Why nuclear? Are you talking about escalating violence in the Middle East, focused against the US? Are those threats primarily nuclear?

Cite source (hyperlink)

You need to cite sources for all of the numbers. Hyperlinks would be best.

This feels sort of tacked-on, like it's a different topic altogether. Can you add a new paragraph instead?

Add a link to source info for this.

should be possessive

for?

Be careful with details like capitalization.

I'd get rid of all this stuff. You are writing for the web and for an audience, you are not turning in a paper just to me.

Hmm. Really? This is a pretty serious little essay, and that ending feels too flippant and silly to match up with the kinds of things you cover.

fs

add link

cs

cs

Please make a study sheet for their, there, and they're and see me if you need help!

Are you saying they study it deeper at Columbia? If so, that is not the same as saying they have more stress at Columbia. This sentence is confusing to me.

Add hyperlink

it's = it is

fragment

This says "financial aid not covering enough homework." Be very careful with punctuation!

Could this be a good thesis for you? That we need more system thinking as we address the environmental crisis?

Add hyperlinks to sources to add credibility to your statements.

Not sure what this is.

Cite sources for specific info by adding hyperlinks or citations.

Not sure what "acord" is or what this means, exactly.

Does this connect to Rubio? How? Finish the thought...

cs

fragment, and also a serious typo

This is not clear. It sounds like you are saying this:

We need a third political party. But I like one of the two parties we have now and I won't change. But actually I like stuff from both parties.

I can't figure out what you are arguing in these opening lines... Needs to be clearer.

Love this intro! Catchy and descriptive!

Wouldn't it be a huge problem for young people to have to serve in a war when they couldn't vote and effect the political process?

The next link says 16 years old? Is that right? Are we talking about 16?

Links?

Link?

link?

cs

cs

Link? Also, is this about racism? If so, do you think you need to address that in this paragraph, since I don't think (?) anyone would suggest that the police are scary to white people...

Seems a bit awkward maybe?

Link to Bernie on this?

Maybe back this up with a source and hyperlink? Shouldn't be hard to find...

Powerfully done--great rhetorical strategy here.

have?

I am thinking there are 2 paragraphs here: one on how the younger generation has lost respect for authority (maybe cite a source on this to add credibility? There should be stuff out there...) and one on how people need to accept the consequences of their actions.

Don't need this citation since you added the caption.

check this-- grammar issue

Is that the case with a high school diploma?

You can add a caption to the picture by clicking on it, which will make this look lots better...

Your revision did not really clarify things. You say charter schools are public schools and then you say they are two different things. I get it, but your "fix" didn't really take away the confusion in the language of your essay. I think the intro probably needed a full rewrite?

A good point if it is true! Cite your source!

Cite your source for this. It seems odd, since I imagine the numbers vary so widely from district to district, state to state.

Fix the weird slash...

Nice!

Funny!

Fused sentence (FS)

Since you edited, this is now a comma splice (CS)

Can you add an image to this post? So much about family and friends, seems strange not to have a picture of some kind?

You don't have comments enabled so I can't comment. That should get fixed when you start correctly posting blog posts rather than pages. This piece has a lot of problems, Laura, but lots of promise, too! The biggest issue is organization. It's like a stream of consciousness ramble about your life. It needs a much stronger structure, and the best way to fix that is by making an outline of your paragraphs. For example:

1) How my parents shaped me into who I am 2) How my siblings became my first friends 3) How sports made me who I am 4) How trips with friends shaped me 5) How risk-taking shapes me 6) conclusion about how all of these things form you into you.

Each paragraph just needs one well-developed example. This piece needs lots more focus and tightening up, and topic sentences on paragraphs that only focus on one idea will help.

The other main issue here is grammar, particularly Run-ons. Keep working on that so we can get it fixed this semester! Remember that if you revise, you will need to follow the revision guidelines on the Policies/Info section of the syllabus. Email me anytime with questions!

How does this relate to sky diving? Why are they together in this paragraph?

Nope. :)

too = also or too many

You can't assume your reader has read the article or that she understands what you mean here. This could probably be its own paragraph so you have space to really explain what you mean.

wrong word

comma splice (cs)

You need to add something about the article in the intro if you plan to talk about it. And add a hyperlink to it. You can't just toss it in down here without setting it up a bit...

its = possessive (its big nose)

it's = it is

too

fragment

have

I use this anecdote in my classes a lot. Love it!

Lovely.

not sure what this means.

Comma Splice (cs)

maybe familiar WITH?

fragment

cs

Fragment

FS

cs

Fused Sentence (FS)

That's a wee bit awkward, grammatically speaking.

Comma Splice (cs)

check this

no cap needed here.

Seems like too much space between paragraphs, no?

I think it would be worth being more specific here.

Nice!

what? for REAL?

cs

comma splice (cs)

really? you sure?

beautifully said...

Do you have evidence to back this up? Link to it!

fragment

Maybe that could tie back to the beginning a bit more? Could you link this imagined reader who is berating you for being stressed to your intro somehow? I feel like I lost the poop thread and ended up with this, but it didn't quite come full circle...

Let's = let us

This is a good example of how your writing would benefit from a bit more organization. You can still sound spontaneous and fun, but you need to plan these paragraphs out a bit more so that each one has a focus and so that essay progresses in a way that the reader can follow. This one feels like it jumps backwards and then all of a sudden veers off in a new direction.

Still not digging how close together these paragraphs are. Doesn't look slick enough to be on your beautiful ePort.

Ok, I totally LOVE the opening, but you seem to lose the thread of the nerves in this section a bit. Seems kind of disconnected?

These are both fragments, but I still like them, and I wouldn't change it.

Ok so we have to get the ePort set up properly, so I can comment... But this is a solid essay! Lots of stuff has to be cleaned up, and I would like to see a cc-licensed image or two in here to give the post some visual appeal. But the writing is heartfelt and engaging, and I loved reading this!

Love this!

I don't know if this is a run-on but it sure feels like a messy sentence!

Love this.

is this the word you want?

cs

fragment (semi colon error)

Fused sentence (FS)

cs

cs

not a word. as far as I know. :)

comma splice (cs)

love this!

fragment

hand

definitely

Comma Splice (CS)

long run?

"there" is a place "their" is possessive (like their life)

This error recurs in the essay, but I won't mark them all.

definitely

Confusing sentence...

Did the article say this? If so, refer to that directly. It's a bit confusing as is.

I am not sure what this means...

Hyperlink to the article!

spelling

kind of awkward?

spelling

A beautiful paragraph.

we've got to find a way to spell check for you! Let's experiment, since you don't want these errors in your public posts.

Hyperlink this.

spelling

fragment

maybe your argument is ABOUT why college students are stressed? I don't think an argument can be WHY they are stressed. Just a grammar note...

fragment

Again, could link?

Maybe important to indicate that you are white, since readers won't know?

Add hyperlink.

Captions are your friend!

Just hyperlink this! You will need fewer words! :)

Skipping lines between paragraphs will make this look way better!

spelling

see last note

their = possessive there= a place

spelling

maybe hyperlink to an article about how many models are photoshopped?

too

Its = possessive (like its tooth was hurting)

it's = it is

supposed

belongs?

Fused Sentence (FS)

This seemed to come out of nowhere. I wonder if a better intro could help this essay, predicting better what paragraphs are coming...

Fragment

Is that the word you want?

These images below need captions with the citation info.

A link to the report here would help!

Do you need this? Sounds a bit awkward maybe?

Link to the story?

Fragment (no verb)

Link to the video? Or embed it here?

Of course, this is very controversial. I am not opposed to you using this, but make sure you mean to be this provocative, since clearly the BP's would not have called themselves "anti-white" at all. If you want to make this claim about them, you'd probably need to back it up more, since it's not something everyone agrees on.

This sentence is a fragment because there is no predicate (or verb). You could change to "those outfits replicate" or "replicated" to add a verb and correct this.

Do what you gotta do to learn how to add the accent mark to the e: é

or performed?

Add a caption with the license info for the image!

Comma Splice (CS)

ha ha! Made me laugh!

maybe their clothes were revealing?

Skipping a line between paragraphs will make this look way better, I think.

When you post links on the spreadsheet, make sure they are the links to the specific posts, not just to your blog in general (I fixed them this time, but they were not correct).

Are they protesting white on black crime, or talking specifically about police brutality targeted against blacks?

No capital letter needed when following a semi-colon.

possessive

possessive (the rights belong to the people)

possessive (the rights belong to the people)

fragment (semi-colon error)

These are fragments, but I kind of like them like this!

awkward?

FS

cs

a little unclear

cs

CS

CS

Fused Sentence (FS)

CS

Comma Splice (cs)

One word

Wait...are the fuckboys depressed and therefore unable to love back? Or are the women that the fuckboys don't love depressed, and that is ultimately why they can't be loved? Maybe needs a bit of clarifying to relate back to the thesis here...

I think your font changed halfway through...

I think skipping a line between each paragraph will make this look way better....

need a possessive here.

Add a cc-licensed image to the post.

This is a good start, but could use some attention for sure:

1) Since this isn't a post, there are no comments available here, which is a problem. Make sure we get this fixed. You will probably need to come see me.

2) You need to cite your sources by hyperlinking key information or by adding in-text citation (at the end of the sentence with the information, you cite the source).

3) Develop the piece a bit more by splitting it into 4 or 5 paragraphs, each with a topic sentence focused on the one main idea that the paragraph covers.

There are also some small grammar errors. Reading out loud might help you hear some of those...

Remember that if you revise, you need to follow the revision guidelines on the Policies/Info site of our Syllabus. Email me with any questions!

Does the sentence sound better if you get rid of "Instead of?"

WHAT?? That number seems way too big. Cite a source! Not enough to have links randomly listed at the end of the essay.

Info like this needs to be cited or hyperlinked.

In addition to the capitalization issue, I wish you hyperlinked to the video here.

Read this out loud. Can you hear the multiple "talks abouts"?

Add a hyperlink here!

Read this out loud. Can you hear the error?

This is a page, not a post. You need to create new posts, not pages. Your site is not set up right. Come see me if you need help!