I can't imagine another 'team captain' suddenly forthcoming. If Britain got its head out of its ass and regained that imperial edge, then maybe, or if China suddenly underwent a democratic revolution and reentered the world stage as a liberal power.

How nice that everyone mellowed out. Now instead of looting their neighbours, states loot their citizens.

But instead, the power is so imbalanced on the US side that these countries are all still biding their time.

Trying to sit out the war and benefit while your enemies fight each other is usually counteracted when one side wins such a convincing victory that they have the momentum to continue onto you.

'Breakout' is an interesting term here. Macedon, Britain, and USA are all powers that 'broke out' of this anarchic balancing act.

Like the Italian cities during the Italian Wars. If France OR Spain gobbled up enough of Italy to reach a majority, other cities picked up on it and switched sides. It did not benefit states like Florence, Pisa, Venice etc. to have a huge winner.

If you can't afford arms, you can't serve, and if you can't serve, you can't vote.

Ancient Romans were very proud of their anti-democratic traditions. Cicero blatantly believes the vote of a rich man is intrinsically worth more than a poor man's vote.

If the elite were united, that would literally give the underprivileged no voice.

Interesting how the very first vote doesn't go to the .1%, but the people just below them.

Very heavily weighted in favour of the richest of the rich. The poor basically only have one vote.

I lean more toward the Morstein-Marx camp. Minus a few exceptions, the popular assemblies voted the way the Senate wanted them to vote.

This would be very open for consensus building; the result of a certain vote may be predetermined if one influential party holds sway over several other influential parties. The patronage system falling like dominoes?

They are not real Romans, but sources for auxilia troops.

I didn't realise imperium also meant courts, though under the expansive definition of 'the power to use legitimate violence on behalf of the state', I suppose the power of persecution fits that.

I believe it's only patricians who can perform most religious ceremonies, thus only patricians can be priests.

Great conclusion.

The two genders of pop-up roads: roadside and hilltop.

How cool, Romans invented (perfected?) travel books.

Prolific armies, not necessarily high quality ones. Drown 'em in quantity!

Good assessment here. On which way this particular corruption skewed, we may never know. Likely, this 'road corruption' fluctuated during the reigns of different emperors, going on a downward spiral during the final years of the Roman Empire.

Literally, all roads lead to Rome. This system builds a sense of Romanness, not Italianness. The socii only had the road link to Rome, not to Capua or Brundisium.

Apt analogy.

Bringing Italian allies physically closer to Rome means bringing them mentally closer to it. If a Roman road runs through your town, filled with Roman messengers, it's not a stretch to call yourself 'Roman' too.

That some Roman roads are ruler-straight is, in and of itself, a fact worth highlighting.

I love that Devereaux considers every angle of a given thing. Like yes, this awesome road system absolutely would be a legitimacy builder for your average Persian.

What an incredibly organised system! Royal/noble favour could get you a lot with this system, not like the hodgepodge fiefdoms of medieval Western Europe.

It might be cool if the card game they're playing reflects some thematic aspect of the scene

Why would Stevan be so open about his criminal record? Would it be in character for him to be shifty with this fact?

Again, on the nose. We probably inferred this from Zlatan's unusual move of dancing

It's not really clear that they're dancing here, when I think of 'romp' I think of kids playing. Maybe you could describe the specific dance? Maybe they're attempting to do something fancy like a waltz, or doing a more Bosnian style dance. It would be a nice cultural detail to put in, and I think this moment of levity to distract from the rape going on would be effective

Nice image

Nice. It would be cool if the guy who captured him was the Major, or if the Major showed up at one point in this flashback

It might be better to have Zlatan assert his usefulness, establish that he is a proactive character who can get himself out of a pinch. What does having the beggar save him accomplish?

A little on the nose

"mess hall" describe this mess hall a bit. There are a lot of military structures, and a lot of room to play with their similarities and differences. Is this place up to code, or is it a bit more lax?

Might be good to describe these beds. Are they run-down cots in this military setting? Are they mid-sized bunk-beds? Are they hotel beds? Explaining these beds does a lot to explain where they are

"Is oven-roasted Camboliannan sheep covered in a luxurious green herb and spice sauce with the customary veggies on the side of course!” a good punchline would be that the group eats it, and it tastes like regular crappy military rations

"knocked you out" damn, hardcore. Consider the implications of this; Sky probably has multiple concussions at this point, unless the captain used some drug to knock Sky out

"got hurt in the process" a bit more specificity here would be nice. What animals? How did he get hurt? This can also be a good way to insert a bit of worldbuilding, since these animals might be weird monsters from your world, and you could explain why they're there

"bit of the drool on her arms. She shrugged." what's rationale for this? Is Sky supposed to be a lazier character?

Is the Sonarway tangible? What does it actually look like? Just a bit more on how it works would be helpful

Good

Good ending, piques our interest for later. I love this, you successfully snare us in with a serial killer story only to have the succubus switcheroo. As you edit this, go back and read everything in Alan's voice; what details are his? What details are the narrator's? Do you think there are two narrators? Who's talking in this? Answer that question, and you have the answer for how the narrator would reaction to and comment on every situation.

I'd love to have this detail earlier, a bit of foreshadowing. I love what you did with the deer, and with one more hint, the foreshadowing will be just right.

Lol nice get rekt perv.

These are two very different things.

Redundant

This feels too obvious.

I'm definitely sensing that this is partially from Alan's POV here. I'm noticing that you're doing an interesting thing with including informal talk like 'ain't' alongside fancy words like 'engaged' or 'devoid'. Is this how you view Alan's voice? To go all the way with this Alan-like third person narrator, stay in Alan's mindset, keep focused on the details he would focus on, not the ones that rational people would.

A suggestion, but if you have everything prior to this in present tense, and this in past tense, we'd get a better sense of the time shift.

I feel this takes away from the weight of 'the woman he'd killed'.

This description seems unusually general for a para that is so dialed in on specifics like 'four tarps, bungee cords, a knife', and 'a pool full of blind minnows'.

Cool detail.

These are two very different connotations. I suggest that you go with just one.

Redundant

This is just a suggestion, but it might be cool to have everything prior to this point in present tense and have this in past tense, so we could experience the time shift better.

What's your thought process with using 'ain't's alongside big vocabulary words? Are you going for the contrast?

Great detail. I love how detailed this para is

This seems a bit too sophisticated for Alan.

Think about this narrator. Is he supposed to be in Alan's shoes? Is he an observer? Judging by the 'ain't', this is sort of supposed to be through Alan's eyes, so keep in the back of your head the details the details that Alan would focus on (as opposed to what a rational person would focus on).

This is an unusual and interesting detail. Is Alan speaking from experience?

I'd like the 'woman he'd killed' to stand alone here, really get across the weight of the fact; 'well-timed bomb' feels superfluous.

Hmm, this description feels too general for a para that is so focused and detailed. It sort of jibes against the ultra-specificity.