8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2018
    1. crime and the skills to commit crime through the people they associate with.” I think that these theories go together with what makes people want to commit crimes, also there’s many psychological reasons on why people commit crimes too.

      this paragraphs needs development, no?

    2. Social learning theory is when

      transition?

    3. According to Briggs, “Social disorganization theory includes a person’s physical and social environments are primarily responsible for the behavioral choices that person makes”.

      Can you supply a transition and topic sentence in your own words?

    4. The main theories of why people commit crimes is rational choice theory, social disorganization theory, and social learning theory.

      good topic sentence: The main theories are. . . .

    5. what’s going on through their mind before it was committed, and the crime.

      rephrase?

    6. why the person committed it, you can

      user period instead of comma?

    7. what do these people do get in jail?

      typo?

    8. you are

      why the shift to "you"?

    9. Crime began in the 5th century.

      how so? do you have a source? Hard to believe, no?

    10. Works Cited briggs, steven. “Important Theories in Criminology: Why People Commit Crime.” Dummies, www.dummies.com/education/psychology/important-theories-in-criminology-why-people-commit-crime/. Moskowitz, Clara. “Criminal Minds Are Different From Yours, Brain Scans Reveal.” LiveScience, Purch, 4 Mar. 2011, www.livescience.com/13083-criminals-brain-neuroscience-ethics.html Wagner, Peter, and Wendy Sawyer. “Mass Incarceration: The Whole Pie 2018.” Mass Incarceration: The Whole Pie 2018 | Prison Policy Initiative, 2018, www.prisonpolicy.org/reports/pie2018.html.

      pretty good form (needing dates of access) But you need to supplement this list with three peer reviewed sources and one personal interview, right?

    11. Tingberg

      typo

    1. they’re decisions

      their

    2. We recently were introduced to this “color” theory topic in 1940

      rephrase? you learned that color theory began to be formulated in 1940--a fact which you recently became aware of

    3. Social Media has also been a victim of using colory theory

      you may want to rephrase this topic sentence for clarity: are social media "victims" or instruments/tools for conveying the message?

    4. you’

      why the shift to "you"?

    5. Marketers use colors as a way to hook people in as well. Large corporate companies hire graphic designers who know the basic color theory to incorporate specific colors into advertisements.

      I assume that this brief paragraph acts as a transition to the next paragraph?

    6. “How do marketers use colors to their advantage.”

      end with question mark?

    7. I asked, “Do we all see colors the same way?”

      not sure you need to provide your questions?

    8. I recently set up an interview with Jennifer DiBiasio, my previous graphics teachers from high school.

      I wonder if you might begin this paragraph differently: perhaps with a meaningful topic sentence?

    9. range from approach to avoid.A change in hue can trigger an aversive reaction in achievement contexts, because in this context red is associated with danger and failure.

      interesting

    10. several different meaning

      meanings

    11. to have acted weaker.”

      not sure what this means? explain?

    12. so-called, “backstories”

      no need for comma

    13. you

      why the shift to "you"?

    14. Works Cited

      pretty good form Note no need to use numbers with sources alphabetically arranged I believe you are missing two peer reviewed sources?

    15. it gave me more motivation to complete because it was something I had picked

      good to know

    1. ttendance when a prison tried something new with prisoners, to see if it was the approach that wasn’t workin

      Can you say more about this approach?

    2. n 2014, Dan Pacholke gave a TEDTalk in Monroe Washington exploring ways how prisons can help inmates live meaningful lives.

      tweak topic sentence/transition?

    3. As if they weren’t built to function like ordinary citizens

      fragment

    4. I got the opportunity to sit down with Professor Dana Mayhew at Bristol Community College i

      can you work on producing a new topic sentence/ transition

    5. But what if the fear of being labeled as weak was abolished in prisons and we learned embracing vulnerability in therapy was the key to rehabilitation? An example Murphy gives us helps clear this up

      really interesting point

    6. Which, in turn, will further lead to rehabilitating the prisoner completely, or giving them that extra step towards it.

      fragment

    7. Back to my analogy

      work on transition?

    8. Prisoners who completed vocational programs had better employment rates and fewer arrests following release, than non-completers,”(W

      key data: you may have to work on integrating the quotation more smoothly, however

    9.  Career and Technical Education in United States Prisons: What Have We Learned? By Shakoor A. Ward,

      you can merely cite the last name of the author and put the rest in the Works Cited list, right?

    10. is through career and technical education programs.

      good point

    11. If you

      see earlier comment about point of view ("You")

    12. Reflect on your behavior

      you seem to be addressing those who have committed crimes? is that your audience? note the need to stay true to your purpose of inquiry and exploration

    13. your

      why the shift to "your"?

    14. he recidivism rate for state offenders within five years that led to an incarceration stands at 28.2% as of 2016.

      cite source? seems almost on the low side, no?

    15. My father attended Alcoholics Anonymous while in the facility and was later sentenced to mandatory meetings when he was released. This was a glimmer of hope for me as a young child, but watching it play out was puzzling to me. Though he was promised rehabilitation during his sentence, he was never actually rehabilitated. He, like many other convicts that are just longing to be free again, only attend meetings and therapy sessions because they are mandatory- it’s one step closer to their beloved freedom.

      I must say your beginning with this personal anecdote is quite effective

    16. Going into the system for the first time as a violent alcoholic, I wished he would find the rehabilitation he needed,

      Rephrase for clarity: "Going into the system . . . he would find . . . ."

    17. Works Cited

      please alphabetize by author's last name. Please remember to include dates of access and the interview

    18. I have a bit of a personal bias,

      glad you realize this

    19. I feel as if writing loses a bit of its credibility and validity when there is not anything to back up the points trying to be made.

      good point

    1. Economic position in society

      shouldn't this have its own paragraph?

    2. Also states

      needs subject

    3. a previous state officer.

      you mean he served in the past but is now retired?

    4. Within my research, I was able to give a brief interview with my sociology professor,

      can you provide a more meaningful topic and transition sentence?

    5. Family can be a main reason

      you mean how one is raised?

    6. Therefore,

      not sure the transitions are working here

    7. the SAT, Situational Action Theory, “defines crime as acts that break rules of conduct stated in law and analyzes crime as moral actions.” The SAT alleges that people that commit crimes do so because “they come to see and choose (habitually or deliberately) an act of crime as an action alternative.” (Wikstrom and Treiber.1235) SAT mainly argues how social factors influence people’s crime involvement as “causes of the causes” (Wikstrom and Treiber.1236)

      Can you say more about this in your own words?

    8. labeling theory

      have you explained this?

    9. Many people that commit crimes begin to get labeled by others.

      use as topic sentence?

    10. A person’s living situation can play a huge role in crimes as well. The environment around the person can determine why they chose to commit these crimes.

      okay--good. Shouldn't this be given its own paragraph?

    11. neurological factors

      please explain

    12. Knowing these theories

      Is there more than one theory? Did you name the other theories? I'm confused

    13. Not being a bystander towards something like bullying or seeing students not being accepted by their peers can drastically change the amount of crimes committed.

      relevant to your purpose?

    14. a Times article

      cite author's last name

    15. there has been 17

      there have been

    16. Example of a case such as the situation of school shootings, that unfortunately occurs too frequently especially in the United States.

      fragment

    17. he/she’s

      his/her

    18. She finds reasoning on a person

      rephrase?

    19. she states

      In her study, Tania[last name?] states that

    20. riminology Theories: The Varied Reasons Why People Commit Crimes,

      put in Work Cited list

    21. Tania

      use last name only here

    22. One of the many theories

      rephrase to connect with previous paragraph: One of the theories explaining why people commit crimes says that

    23. People decide to commit crimes sometimes in what they believe is in their own benefit

      okay: will you have sources to cite? Or is this paragraph a transition to the next paragraph?

    24. The question that may change the aspect of specific people’s lives and views

      I don't follow: edit for fragment?

    25. 59% of crimes committed was a felony of burglary or stea

      I'm not sure of the relevance of this data: are you trying to establish why people commit particular crimes?

    26. From a study completed by Lawrence Mundia, Rohani Matzin, Salwa Mahalle, Malai Hayati Hamid, Ratna Suriani Osman; they completed one of their base studieson 12 crimes.

      fragment: can you edit this so as to integrate the source citations? Perhaps you can say something like "A study compiled by Mundia, et. al. shows that. . . ."

    27. Works Cited:

      Please alphabetize by authors' last name Also, can you indicate which database you use to get the peer reviewed sources? And include dates ofd access

    1. Animals enjoy the cognitive ability to determine situations based on prior experience, and then act accordingly

      please elaborate and cite sources--this is a very important point

    2. fear, stress and anxiety.1

      please use intext citation per MLA rather than footnotes?

    3. Department of Economic Development. “How Do Animals Think?” Care and Welfare | Pets | Agriculture Victoria, Department of Economic Development, Jobs, Transport and Resources, 20 Oct. 2017. 2 “Yes, Animals Think And Feel. Here’s How We Know.” National Geographic, National Geographic Society, 15 July 2015. 3 “Animals Think like Humans, Scientists Declare.” Positive News, 13 Sept. 2018.

      These seem relevant but you will need three additional sources--three peer reviewed articles--and one interview.

    4. It helped me on this assignment because it made me decide on what I wanted to do my research on. It also made me think more into what I wanted to write

      good point

    1. job where as now having the ability to go to college is considered a necessity and is almost certainly needed to acquire a high paying job in the field of your choice.

      Can you explain why this leads to higher costs for college?

    2. which states “the cost of college may be going up, but the benefits of a college education –better job prospects ,higher earning potential, etc.-are also growing”

      good: what kinds of jobs?

    3.  https://www.trade-schools.net/articles/why-is-college-expensive.asp

      put in Works Cited list?

    4. are unright 

      rephrase?

    5. York times found on https://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/03/education/03college.html?_r=0 Shows how although studies showed a growth in family income from 1982-2007  that along with the income in families rising they also have to combat the fact of the growth of college tuition

      not sure I follow

    6. “Overall the report found ,published college tuition and fees increased 439 percent from 1982-2007 while median family income rose 147 Percent.

      please cite author Shouldn't you put this data earlier?

    7. new York times

      New York Times

    8. “yes I believe the cost should be indefinitely reduced, studies indicate student debt is not typically manageable with most degrees. Also a college education  is no longer a negotiable and its not fair to capitalize  on a necessity in today’s day and age.”   

      cite source

    9. ”I feel like the price of college is so drastic that the loans you end up with this impedes your ability to be financially independent after school.” S

      cite source?

    10. After being able to get in contact with a former college student who has done numerous years of college, I

      Can you start this paragraph with a topic sentence that will announce the main point that you want to make in this paragraph?

    11. I believe that doing simple things such as stated will help with adjusting the percentage of students that succeed in being able to go to college  rather than having high costs for a higher education along with possibly gathering an unfathomable amount of debt.

      you seem to be veering away from your purpose, no?

    12. As well as lowering the cost by offering interest free loans to students and establishing guidelines in a student’s education that may allow them to earn money by achieving set academic guidelines.

      fragment

    13. was fortunate enough to be able to gain a higher education there are students similar to me who are not as fortunate to have the chance to continue their education

      note that you have a fused sentence--two sentences without a period in between

    14. payed. I

      paid

    15. As a lower cost for college might not be realistic for schools such as Harvard, it may still be possible for community colleges

      rephrase? While the expense of going to colleges like Harvard may not be realistic. . . .

    16. Therefore after the usage of these references it has shown the possible causes and effects of the high cost of college as not having the correct amount of finance has stopped many  students from having the ability to gain a higher education along with the possible reasoning as to why the cost of college is indeed so high.

      I don't see a list of Works Cited, nor do I see a postwrite

    1. Results: State anxiety levels in the music group decreased significantly after intervention as compared to the control group.”

      cite source?

    2. “In a randomized controlled clinical trial, 92 consecutive volunteer patients (mean age, 57 years) waiting for their scheduled dental hygiene treatment were randomly allocated to either an experimental (n = 46, listening to music for 10 min) or a control group (n = 46, waiting in silence). State and habitual anxiety, subjective stress, and mood measures were assessed before and after music listening or silence, respectively…Results: State anxiety levels in the music group decreased significantly after intervention as compared to the control group.”

      interesting study but can you edit this long passage and try to integrate it within your own writing?

    3. Then one day, one powerful day, my grandma started to play the song, and he got up, went to the piano and played it from memory. “…

      wow--an impressive anecdote

    4. This study of music is complex, we have to use more brain power to figure it out. Alike, in another TED talk by Robert Gupta, Music is medicine, music is sanity, he is a violinist with the LA Philharmonic. Gupta talks about a lesson he had given to a “brilliant, schizophrenic musician,” Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, Julliard-trained double-bassist. Nathaniel Ayers, how music connected him back with the real world, his escape, “a chemical reaction, for which my playing the music was its catalyst.

      Did you want to start a new paragraph? What might be your topic sentence in this paragraph?

    5. Anita Collins TED talk, how playing an instrument benefits your brain. “

      no need to put all this info here--put into Works Cited list instead?

    6. what they learn, it takes a lot of brain power.

      note comma splice, here and elsewhere

    7. Myself and my mentor included;

      fragment

    8. can agree

      who is the subject?

    9. I love to go through a lot of drafts if I had a lot of time and listen to others

      good to know

    10. give you

      why the shift to "you"?

    11. Work Cited

      I believe I see two peer reviewed sources See MLA for how to list a personal interview You will need to include dates of access, too, right?

    1. theres millions

      there are

    2. mention

      mentioned

    3. your genes tells the cell how to compact of decompact which determine how the cell reads our genes”[5:00 TED]

      I'm not following

    4. “hardware”, nature of genes, isn’t able to function without the additional “software” being life experiences

      useful analogy

    5. Where as an individuals reaction to their life experiences is due to gene expression. Mainly emphasizing on nature gene expression is the body natural response to a situation, but in order for a person to develop into themselves they still need the influences of their environment around them.

      note fragments

    6. In the article titled Perceptions of Nature Nurture, and Behavior 

      see my earlier comment about inserting a topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph

    7. you can’t

      why the shift to "you"?

    8. families financia

      family's

    9. a Childs

      a child's

    10. the subject of nurture I also found an article titled Poverty and

      I'd like you to insert your own topic sentence to help shape your point in this paragraph

    11. they

      who?

    12. pg.226 P1

      author's last name?

    13. One of which being The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry which did a study called Why are children in the same family so different from one another?

      note fragment and need to put title of journal into Works Cited at the end

    14. or most of the articles the superior results leaned towards nurture

      I'd like to see a sharper topic sentence that would allow your paper to develop in an organized and clear fashion. For example might it make sense for you look at individual cases of normal development rather than abnormal?

    15. The articles that appear for this topic are all sourced back to a person’s childhood whether it is leaned towards the side of  nature

      again, I see a problem of focus

    16. re people conscious of themselves

      not sure what this means or why it is relevant to your question

    17. Does nature or nurture create mental illnesses and ones idiosyncrasies? A question haunting the minds of many. As we explore the theories and psychopathology behind this topic I hope to uncover the truth behind nature versus nurture.

      I'm having difficulty discerning your question: can you be ore precise? are you focusing on the causes of mental illness or are you aiming for sone general question about whether our dispositions are formed by nature and nature? I'm not sure

    18. Works Cited

      pretty good MLA form I also see peer reviewed sources--good Interview?

    19. The Nurture Effect a fictional piece I’ve been working on which was partly where I had the idea for writing this along with family difficulties. The book is about a girl that wants to see if she can rewire her best friends mind to bend him to her whim

      interesting

    1. standardized testing proves to be ineffective at evaluating students’ true academic abilitie

      again, can you bring evidence as to the ineffectiveness of the tests?

    2. The greatest loss education has experienced has been the loss of interest in true learning forms.

      you seem to focusing now on the consequences of testing; have you lost sight of your original question?

    3. then asked whether he believed

      perhaps you do not need to include you're questions but rather try to integrate the interview data into your paper?

    4. analyzing the ineffectiveness of the tests and their ability to accurately represent students’ academic abilities.

      can you bring out the evidence for its ineffectiveness?

    5. teachers learn

      learned

    6. the author

      cite author

    7. The standardized tests simply apply more pressure to already stressed out students. This is causation for poor scores because time and time again psychologists have correlated greater levels of stress with inferior scores. If the tests are smearing stress onto students already braving high anxiety levels, how can they accurately demonstrate their academic abilities? The stress can also cause misdemeanors such as cheating, which instantly threatens the idea of standardized testing in general. If the entirety of these tests are to demonstrate a student’s ability, cheating instantly retracts all chances of accurately representing it. The tests can also cause students to act out of their normal behavioral patterns simply because they know the importance of scoring well on them. In the article, the author dives into how the testing affects the behavior of students and the detrimental effects the testing can cause. It states, “Many people will pay doctors about 1000 dollars to receive a diagnosis of ADHD or anxiety allowing them to receive extra time for the test. Another form of cheating that is big with students is buying performance drugs like Adderall to help them concentrate. Like athletes using steroids to advance their physical strength, Adderall is used to help a person’s mental strength” (Buzzfeed). In sports, athletes are strictly prohibited to use steroids and there is a great deal of attention placed on keeping them steroid-free. However, no focus is ever placed on the staggering number of students putting their scores before their mental and physical health. This is a national crisis and no attention is diverted to the needs of students since the creators of standardized tests are turning their cheek to the issue. If they were to acknowledge it however, it would mean the tests would need to change – which is something so undesirable to them they would prefer to sacrifice student’s well-being to keep it sanctioned.

      you seem to have lost your focus, no?

    8. Buzzfeed)

      author?

    9. unjust; minimizing

      edit for punctuation?

    10. Are standardized tests an accurate way to test students on their academic abilities?

      a really good question, nicely stated

    11. Sources

      title this Works Cited Since this is not quite in MLA form, I can't tell if you have three peer reviewed sources. Of course, you are missing the citation to an interview as well. All told, you should have cited six sources

    1. Dangers to the youth to become addicted so easily, yet it is accepted in today’s  world

      fragment

    2. o did the depression, and suicide rate.

      cite source

    3. Teenagers who had a smart phone surpassed 50% in the U.S in 2012. 77% of teens had access to one in 2015.

      useful stats but remember to insert your topic sentence

    4. For example, live science claims that a twenty year old using a cellphone behind the wheel has the same reaction time as a 70 year old not using a cell phone behind the wheel.

      cite author's last name

    5. So this means that people are not necessarily addicted to their cell phones as a whole, but the feeling they get after a cell phone activates the dopamine in their brain.

      I wonder why this information isn't included earlier, with the the melanin info

    6. Barbra Jennings during her ted talk explains that

      insert topic sentence?

    7. someones presence at all times is a social norm now, there are still some ways to break your cell phone addiction

      are you losing sight of your purpose?

    8. From an excerpt on King universities website

      insert topic sentence?

    9. nights sleep.

      night's

    10. you stare

      why the shift to "you"?

    11. Studies have also found that lack of sleep by cell phone could cause deadly diseases like obesity, or depression

      I'd like to see. you insert a topic sentence at the start of this paragraph and sharpen the focus of the content in the paragraph

    12. blue light secreted by our smart phones interferes with the natural production of Melatonin in our body, effecting sleep with shorter sleep duration, and the effectiveness of the sleep was weakened

      interesting

    13. n an article i found by Patrick Nelson, published in 2016, says

      In his article, Patrick Nelson says

    14. An issue that not many people are educated on.

      fragment

    15. Works Cited

      useful sources but I don't see three peer reviewed sources or an interview

    16. cell phone

      don't see a postwrite

    1. The study

      cite authors

    2. they say

      who?

    3. A study was conducted of 100 adolescents of half male and half female between the ages of 14 and 19.

      same source? please cite

    4. Seema Vinayak and Madhvi Malhotra say that cell phones have been playing a big role in these recent years.

      Can you provide a transition?

    5. Stating that you phone seeks for that good feeling it once felt while receiving what you had received on your phone and anything that triggered the good feeling was good for survival.

      fragment

    6. psychology today

      the journal? please put in Works Cited list

    7. Such as abuse or dependency and that its somehow impacting your life in a negative way.

      fragment

    8. Meaning that the things you get on your phone could be seen as prizes or something good

      fragment and note the shift to "you"

    9. Dr. David

      use his last name or full name rather than his first name only

    10. People who are classified to be addicted to their phone is between 10 percent and 12 percent according to Dr. David Greenfield the director of the Center for internet and technology addiction. D

      okay: good use of source

    11. People either text each other through their phones or they have social media on their phones and talk to each other that way. I feel that phone  addiction happens more in younger people than older ones because the younger ones find more things interesting things to watch or to do. Also I feel like the things on social media are to catch younger people attention and make only put things to catch their eyes.

      you will of course need to support any theory with evidence from credible sources

    12. too look

      to look

    13. facebook or instagram

      Capitalize?

    14. So Why Are People Addicted to Their Phones?

      I think you may have missed a logical step: tech has played a big role and people seem dependent on that tech.

    15. Work cited

      not in consistent MLA format And as a result I can't tell which sources are missing

    16. hey think that being able to offer counselling at universities for depression that this could possible decrease the phone addiction.

      I don't see a postwrite

    1. biblical definition

      Biblical

    2. connects religion and marriage equality in a positive way,

      can you elaborate?

    3. In the ‘Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling’ explains

      edit signal phrase (you need a subject for your verb)

    4. if you are

      why the shift to "you"?

    5. financial issues

      Can you elaborate on the benefits of the legislation, regarding financial and legal status?

    6. Loftus 2001

      APA not MLA

    7. From The ‘Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Family Studies’ on Same-Sex Marriage in The United States, it states

      can you edit this signal phrase? Is there an author you can cite?

    8. discrimination

      non-discriminatory

    9. http://www.governing.com/gov-data/same-sex-marriage-civil-unions-doma-laws-by-state.html

      please cite author's last name only parenthetically

    10. Work Cited

      interview?

    11. Phan, Loan T.1 loan.phan@unh.edu Herbert, David J.1 DeMitchell, Todd A.1 Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling. Jan-Mar2013, Vol. 7 Issue 1, p44-64. 21p.

      not in MLA form

    12. WARDLE, LYNN D. “Same-Sex Marriage, II.” Encyclopedia of the American Constitution, edited by Leonard W. Levy and Kenneth L. Karst, 2nd ed., vol. 5, Macmillan Reference USA, 2000, pp. 2308-2309. Gale Virtual Reference Library, http://www.bristolcc.edu:2259/apps/doc/CX3425002217/GVRL?u=mlin_s_bristcc&sid=GVRL&xid=6662ef2f. Accessed 3 Nov. 2018.

      Pretty good form, but remember to alphabetize by author's last name

    1. Pediatric departmen

      why capitalize?

    2. Next in Pennsylvania

      work on transition?

    3. Not just people who are trying to get through the work day.

      fragment

    4. ‘Ushering in a new era of foster care,’(Deck) is what Skookum kids believes is the new future

      you may need a transition here

    5. The Think of Us team has created this app so children can connect with people who could be a mentor or role model for them, as they begin to search for their next step in their lives, becoming young adults.

      terrific idea

    6. They want to open the thinking of the local communities to broaden their understanding and awareness about what their role could be in the improvement of the child welfare system.

      good point

    7. ‘to make children, especially our most vulnerable children, a priority in the United States.’

      cite source (and use double quotes)

    8. (CWLA)

      why parentheses?

    9. ‘There is no other investment that has been proven to deliver as consistent an impact on students or as high of a return on investment as those made in support of high-quality early childhood education.’

      useful quotation but remember to use signal phrase to introduction quotations and source material

    10. ’The districts’ plans are regularly revised and updated as the needs for children are changing. They have discovered through research that, ‘Early childhood programs have been proven to have the greatest impact on improving outcomes for foster children.

      punctuation a bit confusing: quotation within quotation?

    11. They have implemented the, ‘Local Control Funding Formula (LCFF) law.’

      cite source?

    12. Local organizations, communities and state advocates are trying several different approaches to seek new opportunities for these children.

      an effective opening paragraph

    13. The question is relevant because it is an ongoing issue, new flaws are always being discovered within the system.

      edit for comma fault, here and elsewhere?

    14. Margaret Mead

      include in Works Cited?

    15. Works Cited:

      interview?

    16. Silver, Judith, et al. “Starting Young: Improving the Health and Developmental Outcomes of Infants and Toddlers in the Child Welfare System.” EBSCO, 1999, www.bristolcc.edu:2068/ehost/detail/detail?vid=0&sid=36705221-9699-4a2d-887b-372eed2513e9@pdc-v-sessmgr01&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ==#AN=EJ578111&db=eric.

      remember to include dates of access and the precise name of the database. If there is a DOI number you can use that instead of a URL

    17. rather deepening the knowledge about a topic.

      exactly

    1. ’ve concluded that Violent video games do not make children more aggressive,

      are you being true to your purpose in this assignment?

    2. of them, I think

      comma fault

    3. here a some

      typo

    4. Gary Young

      MLA requires last name only in parenthetical citation

    5. “This paper considers what it is about violent video games that leads one reasonably minded person to declare “That is immoral” while another denies it.”

      Do you think it a good idea to begin your paragraph with someone else's words rather than your own guiding topic sentence?

    6. you look at it more humanly and stray away from these very small and peculiar numbers; these studies are conducted towards solving an issue established by a select FEW, these studies weren’t urgent because the entire population of kids were beginning to rob banks and shoot people like they do in video games. These studies are meant to be observational graphs displaying what they have learned studying children who are susceptible to being manipulated by games that do let you do things like that. I think its very important that you don’t get too focused on the numbers and remember why these tests were conducted in the first place, to create a distinction between people who are affected and people who are not.

      my sense is that you lose some of your focus in this paragraph. Might I suggest that you start the paragraph with a topic sentence and try to keep that in mind throughout that paragraph?