You need twice as many

It's never a good idea, I think, to end with "it's a lost cause." if things aren't likely to change, then why are you writing this? Write this project as though you WANT change to happen. Who could make it happen? Write to that person/people. This imagination for a specific audience and a real/specific purpose might help you focus the project and get you full credit.

This conclusion is likely going to get stronger if you make the case for Memorial Drive being typical of many urban thoroughfares that could be beneficial if design to encourage more pedestrian traffic.

What are the sidewalks like along Memorial. You really need to go there; do a thick description of the space.

This is more like it. Memorial Drive needs to be in the claim you're developing. Move it to the first sentence of all your sections; this might help.

What kind of advertising happens along Memorial Drive? This project simply lacks focus. It makes the right moves, just not substantially in terms of meaning.

Nothing here seems to support the idea that the design of Memorial drive (the stretch you're observing) discourages pedestrian culture.

Instead: How do urban designers design for pedestrian traffic? How does Memorial drive enact these designs or not?

Hmmm. What does increased population, increased car use, dealerships, have to do with a "coersion" away from the pedestrian. This work seems to have veered off track.

Is the area pedestrian friendly?

Nice use of affordance: linking.

What do you mean? You mean more people are living in the area, but you don't see those people along the streets? Along memorial? Maybe these people aren't moving into the area you're focusing on...

Great claim, but what happens when you take out the "I feel"? Does the claim become more forceful? valuable? impactful? (in terms of objectivity, the perception of)

Okay, so as discussed you need a title that reflects the focus of your thesis and research. At this point I don't even know what street you're talking about. I mean... do you mean "the street" as in like "mean streets"? Like, he's so "street"? (Do people say that?)

The connection here isn't clear. There is much missing in this ... intro? What about race? age? are other demographics important? What kind of places lie along this route? Why do pedestrians matter? What does that have to do with working class people?

By whom? why?

Is this history relevant to your thesis? How? It seems unrelated and not so useful. Do you find it interesting?