This paragraph was entirely new. When I first wrote this piece, it felt so cut off with the final sentence being: "The disappointment in myself and how I could have done better." It ended with myself being on the floor. For me it was like a cliffhanger, I wanted to find out what I was going to write about next. It was the last paragraph where I tried to bring it full circle and bring it back to when I was sitting my car listening to the Beatles. I tried to compare them because it was puzzling that two different situations still made me feel calm.

This paragraph was originally just two sentences long, which were the first and last sentence of the paragraph. Since I didn't have much time originally, I just left the paragraph at two sentences. I wanted to introduce a moment where I lost myself, which was different than my original moment. I wanted to talk about it because it puzzled me that two completely different situations were able to produce the same effect. I was in rest in my car, and I was in stress on the mat, but I ended up coming out with a sense of calm in both situations. I tried to highlight this difference in my piece.

The paragraph here was originally two paragraphs. I found that the two paragraphs should've been combined since they basically had the main idea: the rush and feeling of being in a stressful environment. I figured instead of repeating myself, I should find a way to make it one so that it can flow better and leave more space for other stuff I wanted to talk about.

When I first wrote this, I wrote it with the idea that someone who already knew a little bit about me was going to read it. I began writing like if the person already knew me. I decided to write to an audience who didn't know me. The highlighted sentence was originally in the middle of the introduction because I assumed the person knew me. But since I had a new audience in mind, my introduction changed and I got rid of assumptions I made about my audience's knowledge about me.

This short piece came from the first writing prompt we were given at the beginning of the year: writing about a moment in which we "lost" ourselves. I chose to work on this more because I felt like I never got to finish it. I was wrapped up in trying to start it that I couldn't really finish it in time. It was something that I felt like I could add to and improve on. I enjoyed working on it, and I genuinely put in time and effort. Now it's time to see if the time and effort was well spent.

During my initial draft, I remember writing this sentence and having so much feeling about it. I remember going to the O'Connell house for the first time and gaze in wonder at an actual piano sitting in front of me. I had all those sentiments in mind when I first wrote the sentence, but I didn't write them down for some reason. In my revision, I tried to implement the rhetorical triangle here. I attempted to describe what I thought and felt when I first saw the piano. It was better than anything I ever hoped for because it was a real piano. It wasn't reliant on anything. Music felt more alive and rich. I also tried to allude to the fact that since the piano's presence was bold and at the center, that the room felt less empty. The piano contributed a huge part to the room, but I probably was making that point too obscure in this paragraph.

I tried to be as descriptive as possible in my first draft. It was good, but it didn't get me anywhere. Originally, I basically rambled on about the designs. I talked about the wall designs and how amazing they looked. But the paragraph had no substance. Almost like if it were a hot date. She can be hot but are you on the date because of her personality? Do you even know she has a personality because you were distracted by her looks? I guess that's the best way I can describe it, for myself at least. I tried to look at the "personality" of the essay, and it didn't have one at all. I cut out almost all the descriptive writing of the walls, and left behind the skeleton, which ended up being this paragraph. I ended up giving my response to the designs, which were the questions at the end. Looking at the questions I put, there's no real "how or why". I think I tried to implement the "response" and "how/why" at the same time with asking the questions at the end. It somewhat improved that part of the essay, but not very effectively.

I remember my first draft, I mainly focused on the subject of my analysis. I was trying to argue that the details themselves made the room feel alive, which was true in a way, but it made the essay weak. As I was looking at the last paragraph, I was trying to figure out where I went wrong, and once again, it was because I never implemented the rhetorical triangle properly. I made sure to make it clear that the subject were the "artifacts", which were all the details I chose to write about. My response was that I was given a "sense of unity and tranquility." And that's where I originally cut it off. I had to make it clear why I responded that way. I tried to drive the point home that the legacy of people's work on the room made them feel like they were there again. The music brought them back in the room with me, which made me feel less alone and more at peace.

When I first wrote this paragraph, I realized that my essay took a whole new direction. Only until the ending was when I finally realized that my project completely changed. It was no longer about finding a place to rest after feeling tired in my dorm. It was about feeling content and complete in the room. Originally, I tried to establish how the specific details in the room came alive as a result of the music. It wasn't as effective because I didn't really implement the rhetorical triangle in this paragraph. When I talked about "Tolis", I didn't go in-depth. I wasn't able to properly show why "Tolis" felt alive to me. I couldn't understand clearly why the designs on the walls jumped out at me. When I was revising this essay, I tried to give a specific "how/why". For "Tolis", I asked questions. It made it a bit more impactful in my opinion, but only because I knew what I had in mind. To any other reader, it's probably still a little obscure, but not as much.

In my final draft, I really tried to give emphasis to the Moonlight Sonata and the effect on the room. I remember the first time practicing the song in the room. The song was so fitting to the house. The low energy and sad notes fit the house so well since the house is old, and in my mind, sad at it's age. In my first draft, I didn't emphasize it well. I actually had it combined with the paragraph that talked about how the piano was better than anything I could've hoped for. There were two different thoughts in my initial paragraph. As a result, I couldn't solely talk about the Moonlight Sonata since there were two main focuses in just one paragraph. I split them off and put the first idea up with the description of the piano. I thought it was a good transition between paragraphs. I kept the second idea here, where I could just focus on the effect of music on the room. I tried my best to lay out the effect which was that the music made the room alive. It felt as if there were stories that the room kept. The room just couldn't say since they're all a memory now. In a sense, the feeling that there was memory is what made it feel so human. I felt like I wasn't alone because the room felt so alive because of the memories attached to it, whatever they may be.

The rhetorical triangle was pretty important here. In my first draft, I just wrote descriptively. I didn't really focus on why I had a certain reaction. I just remember being focused on the description of my surroundings and my reactions. Even though it made my essay look good, it was still shallow. There was no real meaning under the flash and flair. I remember just writing that the smell made me nostalgic, but I never said why. There was no main idea as a result and it just felt like filler. So, I decided to use it as an opportunity to talk about my home in CT. Even though I was alone in MA, the smell reminded me of home. That's why I felt nostalgic: it was like my house where my family still was. I tried to use this moment to introduce the idea that in the piano room, I didn't feel so alone.

In my first draft, I remember how I talked about needing a break from my dorm which can be very active and noisy. It often feels cramped and so I would just head to O'Connell. So in the beginning, I had in mind that my project would be: the O'Connell room is a place to escape from life for just a moment and be at peace within its quiet walls. But as I wrote my whole essay, I saw that by the end, I went in a completely different direction. I found myself talking about being comforted by the fact that there are memories of people in the piano room. In a sense, I wasn't really alone because they all left an imprint on the room. During the revising process, I changed my introduction so it would allude to the fact that I felt alone instead of feeling tired. So when I ended up at my conclusion, I wouldn't feel alone, but "with others".