So, wait. I can understand that the group pushed Pearl to join them, and that she was "sympathetic to the cause", but this sort of massive shift still comes off as... weird? Like, this almost makes it seem like Pearl has always been a part of their group and plotted to use her sister to get the crucible the whole time. Is that what you are going for? If not, the shift from loving sister to uncaring Marsh groupie is too much for me.

Wait, did she not explain that to them yet? So, the group follows the map and goes to the marked house, but none of the rest of the group (i.e. those who aren't Hallux) question why it is that the house was marked in the first place, and by whom until now?

While this works just fine, it might add a little to the mystery of the scene if you describe what happens a little more colorfully. Some nice details like how the woman almost seemed to appear as if in a dream, saying how the woman's voice almost seemed to lull her back to sleep again, stuff like that.

I like her confidence, but I don't know if she should say it as plainly as this. Even if she isn't a sarcastic character, it might be fun to have her be a little sarcastic here.

The first part of this sentence doesn't sound right. Maybe you meant to say something like: "She hoped they didn't inflict any unnecessary pain on Pearl..."

I can understand that the main antagonist character in this scenario has these qualities and they use that to recognize him, but I also feel that in this kind of post-apocalyptic world those qualities might not be exactly rare. Maybe he can have some recognizable scar, or maybe a tattoo as well?

"assumed"

This should be proven, me.

If he's stuttering here, copying how Cleo's speech was when she was nervous might sound better. Although the dude obviously isn't nervous in this scene, he's likely talking quickly and is caught off guard by Cleo's actions, so it would work well enough.

Getting your eye stabbed is pretty bad, and it would certainly be much worse than what happens here. It might be better to just make it some kind of high tech contact lens or something. Or just have some sort of justification for why the pain goes away.

This should be capitalized, I think.

Him letting her off in exchange for her betrayal of Yoon makes sense, but I feel he should still make clear that she is entirely disposable and at their mercy. Some kind of clear threat that he leaves off with.

Just a simple typo.

"shoved"

Sounds just a tinge awkward. Maybe just replace with "Now what would a girl like you want to know about that, hm?"

I'm going to leave my previous annotation up, but you did a lot of what I was talking about here and in the following sentences. Good work.

With regards to the previous note, just as I suggested last time try to have Pax introduce the community as an idea, but use his interaction with those around him and the scene to introduce the revelation that that kind of community is what Cleo wants for herself. Or at least that she desires it so much that she would be willing to take risks to achieve finding it.

Although it doesn't much matter, the "she" could be describing the other girl OR the main character. Saying that Cleo was moved, or that "the girl" was moved would be better.

It might also be a good idea to include that they are closely monitored, or at least like in 1984 the people in power try to create the illusion that they are always watching. Something like security cameras everywhere, guard patrols, etc. You already have hints of this, but I just wanted to add.

I was wondering why she would live in the suburbs when she was broke, but this explanation right after fixed that right up. Nothing needs to be fixed, but good job at explaining that in a plausible sounding way in the world you are building.

I think "Lotto" here should be capitalized. Probably.

I really like to use commas in my own writing, and I often am guilty of using too many. This is one of those cases where there are too many commas. Breaking this apart and starting off with a simple sentence like "Cleo sat at her desk, in her high walled cubicle, staring, unbroken at her computer screen." would be fine.

Just as an ending note, I want to say that the ending feels very rushed. The start of the story, and just about everything up until before Minerva dies has a decent pace. Everything that follows has an almost frantic pace to it. Try to expand more near the end of your story, or at the very least make things feel less rushed.

Its kind of strange to introduce several characters like this near the end, kind of out of nowhere. If they are important now, they might be worth some kind of mention near the start of the story. Even if its just a glancing mention.

I agree with Noemi's idea to add more visual imagery about the storm. Description of the trees nearby, the creaking of the truck they were in as the winds roared, stuff nearby flying off from the winds, etc. Also, you misspelled "lightning" in the previous sentence.

Just another random thought, it might be worthwhile to provide some context to why they require people to leave if they can't do their job. Some kind of newfound hyperfocus on efficiency resulting from their regret of not being an efficient city before the impacts of climate change, maybe?

Providing some description on what she sees from the roof might be interesting and provide us with a general overview of the world she lives in. Not at all a requirement, but it might add something nice.

I might change this later if it is explained later in the text, but just going off of the first draft why is she afraid of some "sickness"? If this isn't explained later, it just comes off as weird.

"Designing"

Just a simple typo, should be "I'm"

"...if anyone had still kept track of those things."

I feel like the wording needs a little bit of a change here. Something along the lines of "Her hunch about the possibility of more of the gang being in Wakefield was proven right as she stared at the man who orchestrated her sister's kidnapping, ..."

Nice word, haven't seen that one around before.

"gets" instead of "will get" sounds better to me. It makes the thought read better, in my opinion.

I feel like the statement might be more powerful if it was just "It's easier this way". Removing the sorry just feels more powerful, more concrete. A declaration, not an apology.

Ah, so it is a job. At least briefly mentioning something about it sooner, even if only a hint, would be appreciated.

Also, quick question, what is the context behind them hunting? I understand the idea of the city being focused on environmental friendliness, and understand some of the environmental benefits of hunting, but why do they do it? Some kind of background, motivating force for them, or even just context would be nice. Or even just saying that it's their job.

Getting a call from a hospital out of the blue? I feel like the character should be nervous, or scared, or something. Give a little description of how the character is feeling/what they are thinking before or after this kind of dialog. You don't have to always do it, but it adds a lot.

Just wanted to state, before I get any further, that this kind of foreshadowing can be appropriate in the right circumstances, but don't fall back too much on doing this lest you end up with a character that magically seems to have ESP for some reason.

This first sentence introduces the time a little awkwardly. It doesn't feel natural, at least to me. Have the character wake up, discuss the dream, and then look at the clock perhaps?

You probably need to explain why a streaming service is allowed in a society that forbids social interaction, living together, and just generally being social. Maybe it can be some kind of "dark web" service or something?

As a general rule, show, don't tell. Even if the character himself is saying it, it comes off as slightly awkward. Maybe have her look him in the eyes, and him punish her because of it.

This part kind of happens quickly. As the lead up to the big conflict of the story (her being asked to betray her community) I think it needs a little bit more. Something a little more dramatic maybe, like she tries to hide in the closet (or something) when she hears someone break in and sees its them? And then she gets found, obviously.

Just highlighting this part to talk about the story talked about immediately after. It might be better if instead of being in quotations, the story existed as a separate body of text to make it more discernible. After this sentence, you could say something like "She continued, her voice rising as she begun her tale:" and then a space break and then the story.

Using italics to display that this is typed word might be helpful, or something to otherwise discern it from spoken word. Not a big deal though.

Comes off just a bit on the nose. Maybe tone it down just a little, instead of having him just saying stuff maybe have him be with a group of people and mention how he interacts with them to get across that the main character desires those kind of things for herself.