I also omitted some of the unneeded fluff in the beginning in order to get to the point faster. In my original piece I said a lot of the same things just in different ways, so I needed to make it more concise so that it flowed better. I introduce my familiarity with Soul Cycle in the first few sentences so that there is fluency in the piece, but I do not have nearly as much "fluff" than I did in the previous piece.

I wanted to work on this piece further because it meant a lot to me as a writer. It was when I discovered how to be creative so I have always liked this piece. I took Brian's advice and made a few changes. I decided to explain deeper some of my observations like what I was actually thinking and feeling in that class. I think going further in detail improved my piece because it offered more description into how I was feeling at the time. Originally I just had vague sentences like, "As I rode in class I took notice of every time a song made me feel happy or sad, and "I took notice of when I felt myself struggling most," but, I did not go further into what particular song made me feel happy or at what exact point was I struggling the most. In my revisions I tried to go deeper to give the reader more insight of my experience. I wanted them to imagine how I was feeling.

This piece originated from when I sat and observed what went on at SoulCyle. It was originally a one-pager. I picked SoulCyle as my meditation place because it is somewhere I go to relieve my stress and I was so excited to write about something that I love doing. I decided to include this one-pager because as mentioned in my writer's statement it was the first time that I realized how beneficial it is to sit with your thoughts. By just sitting and observing I discovered how much Soul Cycle affects my mood in the best way possible.

In my first draft, my interviews were just thrown in at the end. When revising, I knew that it was a weakness of my essay so I wanted to fix it. I wanted the interviews to go at the end as examples of gender stereotyping in my own life as a conclusion. However, this part definitely fell short of how I imagined it being. If I had another opportunity to revise this piece, this would be something that I would change. There is no transition from the previous paragraph to this paragraph and although the idea of it flows with the rest of the information, the execution of it could be improved. If I had just started with an opener like, "A long with advertising in the food industry, I also see gender stereotyping in my personal life because...." This would have connected the two paragraphs better.

I touched upon gender stereotypes in media in my first draft, but I wanted to expand on this topic more in my final essay. In conference, Brian had brought up the idea of places like Arby's advertising meat using strong looking and sounding males. I thought that this was a really interesting point to drive home the point about how media also shapes the way society thinks and how media often times compels society to stereotype groups of people in certain ways. I think that this definitely strengthened my piece because it provided the reader with another example of gender stereotyping in media which is why I decided to incorporate it in my final draft.

This entire introduction was revised heavily. Originally, I started with a beginning that did not engage the reader, and it was really quite boring. Nothing about my intro in my first draft wanted readers to keep reading. After conferencing I realized that if I started off with a more personal anecdote it would intrigue readers and engage them more. I also thought that it was a good way to start because it foreshadows what I am going to say in the entire paper by providing a real-life example. My paper is on gendering in veganism and how it is associated with the state of feminism, so I think using a story to introduce this idea is really effective.

After my first draft, I spent a lot of my time researching Shaun Harper. Shaun Harper is a psychologist who conducted a study analyzing stereotype threat. Stereotype threat is a term that I did not research a ton before submitting my first draft, so when Brian asked me about it, I knew I had to research more so that I could incorporate it in my paper to the best of my abilities. By using stereotype threat in this first paragrpah it allowed me to transition to the next paragraph easily. I wanted to introduce stereotype within society, specifically in the vegan community, so by providing an example at the end of this paragraph of a male vegan who tries to be more masculine, it was a good segway into my next paragraph on gendering. Stereotype threat is also a term that appears in my later paragraphs so I believe it was a good phrase to use to weave throughout my paper.

I love my title. I wrote this paper to my parents and it is a joke that they have with my sister and I. Whenever we say like "Oh I want a burger but its not healthy" or something a long those lines, they tell us "Girl, if you want a burger, eat a burger!" I also thought this was a really funny title to go a long with a piece that had more of a serious tone. By using this creative title it lightened the mood of the essay and it did not immediately scream " a veganism inquiry". In my original draft, I had something similar to "Veganism Research" and then I realized how boring that was so I knew I had to change it. If I was given a paper with the title "Veganim Research" I would have no desire to read it, but this one I would be excited to read 100% (not being bias!).

I thought that this was a creative title because my paper subject is heavy to digest, so I purposefully wanted to create a fun title to lighten the mood. I was also writing to my parents and it is something they say to my sister and I all the time. If I am ever like "I shouldn't eat this but I want it", they always say "girl, if you want a burger, eat a burger!" Thus, I thought it would be a provoking title that they would find funny.

I completely changed my introduction from the first draft to my final draft. I decided to incorporate more of my own perspective and I wanted to start it off in a more intriguing way, opposed to just stating facts that I found. With this personal observation I was able to introduce my topic while still grabbing the reader's attention. My question is definitely one with depth, "what do gendered attitudes about veganism show us about gender inequality and the state of feminism?", so I wanted to start on a lighter note. I think my anecdote about how prevalent stereotypes are within society, especially associated with food, was an effective way to start my essay.

This paragraph I changed a decent amount from the first draft to the final draft. I explored the meaning of "stereotype-threat" further so that I would be capable of incorporating it throughout my paper. Shaun Harper's study also gave me a great amount of information and a true definition of what stereotype threat is. With this I was able to draw connections between vegans and stereotypes and how they could relate.

This idea is one that I did not really delve into in my first draft, but after my conference I realized it was the center point I was trying to make. The reason why these men are stereotyped is mainly due to the fact that they are "supposed" to be looked at as dominant and stronger to women. I think this part really made my paper more successful because it narrowed down this broad idea I had of veganism to a much more focused topic. This is a great example of how starting with one idea can completely transform into something so much better due to lots of work and research.

In my first draft, I struggled with where to incorporate my interviews so that it flowed. Even in my final draft, I do not do a great job with the transition between the two paragraphs. I talk about gendering within the food industry and certain commercial food sellers, but then I immediately go into my interviews. It does not flow at all, and if I had the opportunity to revise this essay I would change this first. I would have at least an opening sentence explaining how the two relate, or even just say "I can now recognize this gender stereotyping in my own life because..."