Definitely better developed as a whole. Definitely try to space out quotes to make it a little easier to read! Also, add more about how Jenny really views time travel near the ending after Kim says that the machine could avoid mistakes instead of simply saying that she wouldn't have thought about it. Have her really analyze the situation near the end to make a more concrete ending :)
27 Matching Annotations
- Apr 2020
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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“I hadn’t considered that. I guess I still haven’t really thought this thing through.” “There’s a lot we’re going to have to learn about time travel, but I suggest we learn it all by just doing it. We can fix our mistakes now. We should take the opportunity to make them.” The three of them sat on the couch together, staring at the machine. For the moment, the doors stood still, it did not whirr, and it did not shake. This page has paths: 1 2020-01-15T13:41:02-05:00 Alan Bush 37d3438a69de42ac8dc8ddbb729b403057a56928 Second Draft (full reworked draft) Alan Bush 16 splash 2020-04-21T16:51:52-04:00 Alan Bush 37d3438a69de42ac8dc8ddbb729b403057a56928 Contents of this path: 1 2020-04-14T15:17:30-04:00 Ignorance is Bliss?, by Anna Ress 1 plain 2020-04-14T15:17:30-04:00 1 2020-04-16T17:19:47-04:00 The Experiment 2 draft 2 plain 2020-04-16T17:20:55-04:00 1 2020-04-17T09:34:32-04:00 The Traveler, Second Draft by Leo Adaryukov 6 plain 2020-04-17T14:45:21-04:00 1 2020-04-17T22:37:03-04:00 WWIII: The Animals Fight for Earth 2 by Lauren Trumbull (Draft 2) plain 2020-04-17T22:37:19-04:00 1 2020-04-18T00:02:07-04:00 The Year Was 2120 2 Payton Ray plain 2020-04-18T00:03:48-04:00 1 2020-04-19T16:23:18-04:00 The Shadows by Jackson Brewer 1 plain 2020-04-19T16:23:18-04:00 1 2020-04-19T22:19:48-04:00 Uno - Second Draft, by William Fischer 15 yeah i know it's not quite 12k words. that's the first thing i need to fix for the final draft plain 2020-04-19T22:44:33-04:00 1 2020-04-19T23:18:05-04:00 A Loss of Humanity & the Takeover of Technology 1 Cecilia Gomez plain 2020-04-19T23:18:05-04:00 1 2020-04-19T23:32:21-04:00 The Disconnect - Second Draft by Charles Nyberg 3 Written by Charles Nyberg plain 2020-04-19T23:37:40-04:00 1 2020-04-19T23:52:40-04:00 The Mission - Second Draft 2 Robert Vose plain 2020-04-19T23:54:14-04:00 1 2020-04-20T03:06:00-04:00 Off The Grid- Christian Helms 1 Second Draft plain 2020-04-20T03:06:00-04:00 1 2020-04-20T10:25:35-04:00 The Righteous Clash- Baron Woodard 1 plain 2020-04-20T10:25:35-04:00 1 2020-04-20T14:26:05-04:00 Hyperion 1 Draft II plain 2020-04-20T14:26:05-04:00 1 2020-04-19T22:07:27-04:00 the six of us and the three of you - christie balke 2 plain 2020-04-22T01:18:48-04:00
Definitely a better ending! Still could use some development, especially about whether they would really consider time travel or not, and how they fully view it,
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SLAYER
Nice emphasis!
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Ann steps out at starting at 11:58 p.m. followed by a veritable parade of other Anns. The Quails had accounted for this, of course, and had left a set of pamphlets for them by their future request. The first Ann out - and the last Ann temporally - handed the pamphlet to the rest as they stepped out.
Nice aspect! Really adds to the story
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Quail put her phone down and grinned. Honestly, she had been looking for an event to show off her invention, so getting her friends together and maybe a couple others was a nice display. She might be underselling it a bit, though. When she was daydreaming, she had considered barging onto a TV show or something like that. Twenty people getting to see the most important invention in generations were going to be a pretty small crowd. It was a small sacrifice to make for being able to have a fun time, though.
Great beginning! Try spacing out the quotes to make it a little bit easier to read
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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This paper is a lot better than the first draft! It's a lot clearer in plot and I really like that you bolded some of the words to show emphasis. There are parts of the story where there are nearly multiple pages of just quotes, so try adding some description to tie in the story a lot more :)
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Sesusa: (She walks to the door, and, opening it, sees Whitney on the other side with a backpack of belongings) Hey, Whitney.Whitney: (Seeing her for the first time without a helmet, Whitney is a bit surprised to see her reptilian yet oddly humanoid face. Regardless, they bow)Sesusa: (She returns the bow) Welcome aboard.
Great Ending!
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CLACKCLACKclackclack
Great onomatopoeia :)
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Third Worker-Bot Shattered in Two Weeks: Razers Still Deny Responsibility).
Great labeling of titles! Gives great emphasis!
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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Overall, the story is really good. It's developed very well and the twists are great. I would say that you should develop the ending a bit more, as it is a bit confusing.
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The explosion wasn’t that strong. It took out the ground below the bomb, but really only affected the room it was in and the room below - the ceiling didn’t collapse. They hoped that would still be enough to buy the others the time they needed.
A bit confusing in the end
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“That ‘some maintenance thing’ I did? They were doing some server maintenance, and they had me check stuff off as they moved them. They removed B-5. I remember because it wasn’t even on the sheet, but they had me write it at the bottom.” He facepalmed. “They set me up, didn’t they.”
Great development in plot
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“found it”, Quail muttered. “funcion cpa meets the requirements.”
???
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Jenny had gotten through a meaningful chunk of the code on her own, but there was a sizable bit remaining. Split four (or three - was Quail even conscious?) ways meant they would hopefully be done before any alarms went off. It wasn’t unheard of for someone to be in the office after hours, but by 10 the alarm system would trigger. They wouldn’t want to open the door to leave at that point.
Is he?
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“woa h what hey kim”
Typo?
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The building had been built with grand aspirations. The planners hadn’t really intended for it to only be used for one project at a time, and as such left plenty of room for multiple groups to work at the same time. Nowadays the extra room was used as either office or server space - it was much easier to have the dozen or so employees work within a much smaller shared space than have them all spread out across the campus. As much as the two wished they could have a wing to thems
Great description!
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Like, in her class today, their professor had gone on a rant about how companies were harvesting your information and you had to wear a mask and never leave the house or your identity would be stolen. She’d never really cared about privacy - she went as far as not using her name (as if that was really a choice with a name like Quail, she muttered), but if somebody really wanted her information she didn’t really care about it. What were they gonna do, steal her empty bank account? Go through her trash? She wasn’t gonna get kidnapped or anything. There just wasn’t any big threat as far as she was concerned.
This can definitely relate to how people look at privacy today. Some take it seriously and others simply don't care. It's scary how close we are to this kind of scenario.
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yeah i think she murdered him? or trapped him in a closet or something? he never respondedqueercrimespog[09:17] : oh myGIVEMEDEATH[09:17] : so i think this supports my earlier theory that she’s actually the upcoming greens area serial killer
Great twist!
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At this point, they were used to Quail’s hijinks. They’d first met in their school’s unofficial group chat (neither would ever be caught dead in something like an official school group chat), before realising they shared half their classes. Once college hit, it seemed natural for them to room, and amazingly neither had killed the other within the 3 months they’d spent.
Great development of the characters and their background
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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Overall, this is a great story. It has very developed characters and a great setting from the beginning. I would like to see what else can be answered in the ending, since the ending is kind of broad. Overall, great story that could show the potential of the kind of future that we could hold.
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On the way back to the bar, Sesusa and Whitney witness a protest of broken-cog robots, all with fake metal jaws welded on. At the front of the pack stands Alex, cheering them on. Wielding iron poles, they strike at Compartment members, who are containing them with a line of riot shields.
This is a good ending, but can be a little more developed.
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Sesusa: I was only twenty years old when this happened, I was just a child. Can you imagine how it felt having to leave, knowing that there’d be nothing to return to? No home, no family? (She looks down at the ground) My parents stayed behind. I begged them to come with me, I pleaded, but they told me, “Sesusa, our dear child, Shenlong has been our home for hundreds of years, there is nothing beyond this system for us. But you are still young. You can find a new place to call home. We will stay here, and make sure those who cannot leave are as comfortable as they can be”. I still tried to convince them, I really did, but they insisted. All I could do was grab some supplies with the other kids and go.
Great development of the character
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Sesusa: I lived on Shenlong. The rolling plains, the bluest grass, the giant trees… It was beautiful. When I was young, I would wander around aimlessly, exploring the nature of my home. I got lost pretty often though, and on more than one occasion my parents had to come find me. One time, I had been walking so long I nearly walked a quarter of the planet. Shenlong wasn’t too big, you see. Luckily, I ended up in a village with some relatives, so I was completely safe and I returned home the next morning.
Great description!
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???:
So, are all the question marks robots?
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What’s your name?Child: Li…Lili.
Got it now. That's a smart transition
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So this character is a robot?
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Are these question marks supposed to be a character? Do they have a name?
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