blood testing machine
hemoanalyzer
blood testing machine
hemoanalyzer
one good turn deserves another
Is this a saying? I've never heard it
to
too
police
you already said police matter so you can just say case here
,
;
blood testing machine he carried accepted
Maybe just, "the machine accepted the blood..."
your
This should be you're
regular beat cops
Is he a detective then?
He felt cold. He felt a sensation of twisting, spinning, convulsing. He felt a ringing, constant pain. He saw naught but darkness but felt the sensation of falling
I really like this
It had piqued his interest though, being able to switch his mind into another person’s body, and he decided to take the risk.
Why did he want to be someone else so badly? I also think the sentence is a little wordy. Maybe shorten it to: "It had piqued his interest, so he had decided to take the risk."
With the package here, he was finally ready for what he had been planning for about a week now.
I think this sentence is a little awkward. Maybe just shorten it to: "With the package here, he was finally ready."
Hallux had five marks on her wrist
I really like this as a way of marking time
Hallux clapped a hand over her mouth to prevent making a noise. Were they talking about Pearl?
I like this addition
anxieties
I don't know that this is the right word.
h
Maybe capitalize?
leant
leaned
one earphone in one of each of the girl’s ears
I think it would be a nice addition to add the song. Like how old is this music? and is it like a CD player or an iPod?
This was good
Maybe change it to, "This was worth it."
K.O.
What?
f you i
?
And Cleo did do it, that night, in a weird haze
I love this plot twist
Late that night, Yoon began. ““Let me all tell you a story. About a rebellion from the past.” Valerie said. The rest of the group turned their attention to her. “This is the story of a city. A city in the summer, baking in the sun, under a brutal dictatorship. A military government, that liked to show off its power and its weapons more than anything else. The city was getting restless. Citizens were meeting, and conspiring. Young men were picking fights with officers, and women were spreading the truth to each other. The people were coming to see that their lives were unjust, and that their government was too. But the government saw this. And they knew they couldn’t let this keep on. But they weren’t sure how to clamp down. One day, they sent a small regimen of tanks, along with some foot soldiers, through the city. Just to keep an eye out. But things turned ugly. The foot soldiers got into a fight with a group of students. And two of those students ended up dead. The fever of the city broke. They rose up and fought back. They killed the soldiers, and took control of the officer’s center of the city. They seized weapons. More died, and they buried their dead. They gained control of the city.” The group were all settled, serious, listening. Cleo rested her head against Valerie’s shoulder. Yoon continued. “When the dictator heard this news, he grew furious. Use all the force needed, he said. Bring the city to heel. The people of the government decided that if the people of that city were not gonna act as an example for how a city should act, they were gonna serve as a different example. For what happens when people step out of line. The government sent tanks, and armored vehicles, and thousands of soldiers, to surround the city. The city folk almost never stood a chance. But they did not give in. For days, they held the city. At the borders there was violence. There was student armed with a rifle against a team of trained soldiers. There were tanks slowly grinding forward, crushing anyone in their path. But in heart of the city, there was something beautiful. Those who could not fight tended to the wounded. They held burials for the dead, where mothers one last time embraced their children. They sang, and they wept. They shared food, they shared their homes. And though the forces from without were encroaching, within there was a c
I also think you could shorten this. I like the analogy to the current situation, but it's kinda long.
Every night that Cleo spent at in the community halls felt like entering a different world, and she loved it more each time. The heavy air, the warmth, the crush of people. It was overwhelming, almost, for her senses, and that sent a thrill through her gut. Sometimes before she met up with the rest of the group she would lean against a wall, with a mug of coffee, just people watching. Watching a masked young woman walk through the hall with purpose, handing out leaflets. Watch a man, head in the clouds, bump over one of the waste baskets, groan, and then pick up and put back all the trash, with a wrinkled nose. Watched a group of young people, each holding a rifle pointed towards the ground, singing some revolutionary chant. A few others in the street joined in. Cleo loved everything about it. One night as she watched, James silently came up and joined her. Cleo didn’t know how long, but they stood silently, warm, and observed people passing. James smoked, Cleo drank her coffee.“This is what makes it worth it,” Cleo had said, as James stubbed out his cigarette. He had smiled in response. “Come on, let’s join the others.” He pulled her by the hand into the flow of the street, and they walked together, comfortable, quiet.
I really like all of this, but if you need to cut words, it's not really necessary
Yoon?
Yoon? Maybe?
unfeeling
maybe use "numbing" instead
g
I think this should be capitalized, I'm not entirely sure though.
plead
Plead is spelled pled, but pleaded is more correct. Both can be used though. I looked it up to make sure and it said that pled is commonly used but pleaded is more correct.
”“
You don't need quotations at the end of this paragraph if it is the same person talking in the second. You just need the quotations at the beginning of the second paragraph:
"...We all are!
"We're not supposed..."
food
foot
hat I wouldn’t have been,
Maybe don't include both of those
we
Maybe change this to "they want" I know that Pearl has changed sides, but her sister doesn't know that yet, and it seems like maybe she should keep up the illusion that she's not on their side.
I.
This should be "me"
The first person called the chief
The first person he called was the chief.
analog
Maybe not the right word. Analog is usually like a flow of information in comparison to digital. Maybe try using standard or old-fashioned instead.
A.I
A.I.
to
too
found about
found out about
Either way,
I think this makes it seem a little accusatory. If he doesn't want to offend him maybe only start with "I only..."
The top floor, where the founder’s office was, was only accessible with the use of a biosignature scanner that examined every occupant of the elevator,
Quotation marks should be here.
your
You're
there
Maybe change one of these "theres" to "here"
Looks like it’s going to be another one of those days, he thought
I feel like this sentence is kinda repetitive.
connector and clicking
Maybe use a comma to separate these or even adding "and then"
became
become