As most of your main plot points are the same in this draft, I don’t have much to say about the overall plot, except the ending. This ending is much better as it points into a clear direction as to what is going to happen to these characters next, making a great starting point if you ever want to write stories about this world again. While the plot stayed mostly the same, I did notice quite a few things about how you were telling this story. I saw that not only did you tell us more about the different societies, you also gave us info on them earlier. This paints a clearer picture of the world and gives the reader a better understanding of the environment and societies the characters inhabit. This helps us understand both the direction of the plot and the characters attitudes better, as well as engaging the reader more as they learn interesting things about the world. I also saw that you tried to make Arilyns journey more believable and cohesive, such as how you had her questioning her system earlier then before. Focusing more on this will help the audience connect with her more.

One big thing that really distracted me while reading this draft was the grammar. You would very often repeat exact descriptive words and phrases in your sentences, making them feel redundant. Your dialogue also felt very awkward, with characters not really talking like people do. Sometimes it feels like the characters say things solely for the sake of exposition or to directly state how they are feeling, which takes readers out of the story and make the characters feel less believable. You should try to think of ways to get information across to the reader in a more natural way. One example of doing things well would be the scene towards the beginning of this draft where Arilyn is reciting some history to study. This will allow the characters to be believable while the world remains interesting and cohesive.

Casually mentioning technology like this clues the audience in that this world is more advanced then ours, perhaps being set in the future, before we learn many concrete details about it. Gives a taste about what this world is like.

Very freaky line that catches the reader off guard. Well done.

Typo?

No color? I wonder if this is significant or just an accident.

This is too risky a question for her to be asking. What if Arilyns loyalty or faith in her city's ways was so great she became suicidal?

Great response.

So all city names are colored magenta? If you are set on doing this, it would make more sense for Quoise to be one of their main colors like turquoise or black. (with the name just being in bold) Black/Bold would probably be better as it would emphasize the staleness of the city, especially when compared to the City of Liber (Those color should probably be changed to something brighter)

Also nice mythology reference.

Makes me wonder how many people the city has "failed." It's a scary thought.

The way her fake smile contrasts with the real one she had earlier makes this bit even eerier then it was in the first draft.

Better foreshadowing of her eventually rejecting her cities way of doing things.

That being said, seeing the same two colors being described for everything is getting pretty annoying. Maybe that's part of the point being made?

Hearing literally everything in this city being black and turquoise really shows how controlled and homogenized this city.

You did it again.

Emphasis's the other half of the metaphor from the last draft.

I immediately wonder why those words are colored differently then all the others. Is every city name going to be colored, presumably with their central color? (like turquoise seems to be for this one.)

Nice characterization. Giving minor roles more personality makes a world seem more alive.

Gives us a clearer picture of this world, much earlier then in your last draft.

Interesting way of getting exposition about this society across.

Same color as the buildings outside. Even the clothing in this world is homogenized.

This story has many good aspects to it. I like how its split into many smaller sections. This makes the story as a whole much easier to digest. I also liked the small bits of worldbuilding that would be added in over time, such as through casual conversation. Hearing the main characters answers to a history test was an inventive way of getting some backstory of the world across. This stories biggest strength however, was its build up. You can immediately tell this world is run by a horrifying system, so you are just waiting for the moment for everything to go wrong for our protagonist and for the dark side of her society to show. This is further emphasized by some of the minor details mentioned in the story, such as the dissenting teacher being sent back to the capital and Ms. Monique’s fake smile. The story makes you wonder how the NSC operates and what the leaders true nature and objectives are. The way some sections end also helps building tension, such as section 5 which ends with her falling asleep in the testing facility with it being hinted that she did something wrong with the test. The way in which the two main cities contrast in nearly every aspect was also an interesting angle for the later half of the story. I especially like how even the way the new city looked served as a stark contrast to Arilyn’s home and drove in many of the themes the story is exploring. The themes all work together nicely, with no real contradictions, making a cohesive whole. I believe this story should focus on the tension, build up, and the contrasting nature of the two cities, as these were all the most interesting parts.

There were some issues however. I believe the biggest one is while the story is interesting, it's also pretty predictable. Like I said earlier, you can immediately tell this world is awful and while that does lead to some building tension it also lets the readers guess what is going to happen. It is easy to assume that this society is actually super corrupt and that something terrible will happen to our protagonist to make her see how wrong her indoctrinated worldview is. Perhaps showing some of the genuinely good aspects of her city instead of making it all obviously way too controlling would both add some moral grey to the narrative and throw the readers off the trail a bit. It could make them question whenever or not the city was truly villainous before pulling the rug out from under their feet. On a similar note, it feels like Arilyn changes the worldview she’d had for years a bit too quickly. Perhaps more time could be spent with her questioning her home’s system or learning about the new city she finds herself in. If the story add in some positive aspects to her home city, it could help her have a shared experience to the reader, going back and forth on whenever the city is wrong or not. Finally, the dialogue is also a bit stilted in places. Sometimes it feels like the characters aren’t talking like people and instead talking like essays trying to explain a point, especially in the later half. Try to give each character a unique voice.

Does this indicate the city is an island, or on one? If it does, it makes me wonder if that fact ties into the story or this worlds history at all, and if so how.

Just hearing the name "Life Test" immediately gets me intrigued. It makes you quickly start wondering and theorizing about what it could exactly be. It's a nice hook.

The contrasting colors and looks of the two cities is an effective metaphor for the differences between the two as a whole.

Makes me wonder what exactly about Arilyn made the NSC believe she was so dangerous that killing her was their only option.

Did she disappoint her? I'm worried for our protagonist now.

Is this just a series of typos and I'm reading too much into things, or does the sudden switch from male to female pronouns mean something?

Does this mean she'll never see her parents again? Permanently separating people from their friends and family after they are assigned their role in society makes this system seem even harsher then before.

Our dystopia has a name, one that shows what this nation is consisted of. Adds further to the intrigue.

Having a society plan peoples days down to the hour is an interesting concept for a story. I also find it personally horrifying and hope to see this society change soon.

Now I want to know what happened to her and I wonder if we'll find out what the Capitol does to people later.

Immediate flashback to the Hunger Games. Makes me curious about them and what their true nature is. Are they evil or simply flawed?