When I was living with an alcoholic I failed to acknowledge the symptoms in myself that I now find so recognisable in others living with alcoholism: over-responsibility, self-isolation, confusing pity with love, prioritising the health of the alcoholic over one’s own, making excuses for the drinker, continually anticipating the next problem and then, when it arises, trying to force a solution (which inevitably fa

When people are drunk they forget what they’ve said, how they’ve driven, at whom they have lashed out. But the families don’t. The families observe, absorb, clean up afterwards, rearrange social events, make excuses, pay overdue fines, and find a million ways to cover up. They also remember, often for years afterwards, particularly the children.

Living with an alcoholism often leads to serious mental and physical deterioration in spouses, sisters, brothers and children. But the carers of alcoholics don’t have time to attend to their own ill-health because the drinker’s problems are so much more urgent. He is the one winding up in the hospital emergency department on a regular basis or being admitted for surgery to mend the alcohol-related damage wreaked on his organs and intestines.

What will we do when he inevitably gets drunk? Even harder is the decision about inviting the family member who has finally found sobriety. How is she going to cope when everyone else is drinking? What happens if the occasion causes a relapse? It will be all our fault!

continuing to love them without trying to fix them.

“Didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.”

In many ways, families are the real victims of the disease, the ones who suffer most, who are on the receiving end of the verbal and physical abuse, who feel the social embarrassment and shoulder the financial hardship.

lived with an alcoholic for a decade without realising it. This was because he held down a 9-5 office job and “only” drank on Saturday nights. Like many, I had a completely clichéd and inaccurate image of an alcoholic. I thought they were people who sat on street corners with bottles in paper bags.