Elroy kept his eyeson the tablecloth."Now that'san on-seasonprice.To be fair,I supposewe should knock it down apegor twol'He leanedback in his chair."What'sa reasonablenumber,you figurei
Just wanted to support him and get his money, but also support and show caring for the man.
What it came down to, srupidly,was a senseofsharne.Hot, scupiclsharne
Not willpower but the fear of dying and not wanting to put himself in the position of death, why should it be him?
He neverpried. He neverput me in a position that requiredlies or denial
He knew that he couldn't ask, because if he asked he wouldn't get the answer.
an.1all I wanted was to live the life I was borr-rro - a main-streamlfe- I lovedbaseballand harnburgcrsand cherryCokes- andnow I was offon the marginsof exile,leavingmy counrry forever,anditseemedso impossibleand terrible and sa
Will never get to live the "American" life, because the life was stolen by the war.
Id sneakdown ro the beachand quietlypush one of the old man'sboatsour into the river and starr paddling myway toward Canada.There were times when I thoughr Id gone offthepsychicedge.
His mind couldn't rest, it couldn't settle, he never felt safe.
nall that time together,all thosehours, he never askedthe obvious questions:Why was I therei Whyalonei Why so preoccupiediIf Elroy was curiousabout anyof this, hewas carefulneverto put it into words
It was like he knew, he was just there to support and give a safe place.
He ollered exactlywhat I needed,wirhour questions,withour anywords at all. He took me in. He was there ar rhe crirical cime-
Like a guardian angel was at the right place at the right time and knew he needed help
The placewas in sorry shape
Just like his mind and life, not really put together.
I headedsrraighrwest alongthe Rainy River,which separaresMinnesora frorn Canada,and whichfor me separatedor-relife from another.
Separated his old life from the new one, the one away from the government and in the woods.
I felr somerhingbreak open in my chest.I don't know what it was. I'll neVerknow. Bur it was real, I know rharmuch, it was a physicalruprure - a cracking-leaking-poppingfeeling
A feeling that cannot be ignored, that needed to be taken care of otherwise a piece of him would die.
Th"y didn'tknow history. Th"y didn't know the 6rst thing about Diem's tyranny,or the nature of Vietnamesenationalism,or the long colonialisrnof theFrench- this was all too damned compli car.ed,it required some read-irg - but no matter, it was a war to stop the Communisrs,
They didn't look into why the war, they only thought it would save them from the bad guys but they were killing good in the process.
feared the war, yes,but I also fearedexile.I was afraid ofwalking away from my own Iife, my friends and my family, my wholehistory, everythingchat matceredto me. I fearedlosing the respecrofmy parents.I fearedthe law.
Fear of death but on the other hand fear of losing the life he had and maybe even being put in jail if caught.
Bochmy conscienceand my insri'crs were telling ffre-romake a break forit, just rake off and run like hell and never srop
Death was so unwanted, why not run away from it.
.I felr paralyzed.All around me the oprions seemedro benarrowing, as if I were hurrling down a huse black funnel, rhe wholeworld_squeezingin righr. Tlrere was no h"ppy way our
Life was ending, right as it should be beginning it was ending.
I felr isolared;I spent a lor of cimealone.A"; rherewas also chardrafr norice tucked awayin my wallet.
Not only the impending draft, but also no friends no people to forget for a moment that there was war.
As a carcasspassedby, youd lean forward and swing thegun up againsrrhe clors and squeezethe tigger, all in one morion,
A war-type situation, trying to perfectly kill, and prefect the animal.
Ifyou support awar, if you think ir's worth rhe price,rhat'sfine, bur youhave to Put your own preciousfluids on rhe line.
If you believe we should kill than you need to be willing to die
Too sffrarc,too compassionate,too everything.It couldn't happen.I was aboveit.
I am better than fighting in a war, I am better than being a part of killing, I have a whole future ahead of me.
America was divided on theseand a thousandorher issues,andthe debatehad spilled out acrossthe floor of the United SraresSenateand into the streers,and smarr men in pinsrripescould not agreeoneventhe rnosr fundamentalrnactersof public policy
The most complicated war, there was no on side to if it was right or wrong as a war
rethan twenty yearsI've had to live wirh ir, feelingrhe shame,rrying ropuslr ft away,and so by this act of remembrance,by putting the factsdown on paper,I'm hoping to relieveat leastsomeof the pressureon mydreams.
He cannot forget the feeling of what he did. Why what he did was wrong and why he never told anyone.
Courage,I seemedto think, comesto us in6nite quantities,like an inheritance,and by being frugal and stashingitawayand letting it earn interest
courage comes whenever you want with as much as you need.