I really appreciate the parallel structure of all three “Deja Vu” chapters.The slight changes effectively represent both the disintegration of Machado’s relationship as well as her own growing awareness of it. A sentence like “She sees your subtle, ineffable qualities” (p. 29) reflects the romance and idealism that is present in Machado’s heart at the beginning of the relationship. In the second iteration, the addition of the word says (“She says she sees…” p 98) suggests Machado’s growing suspicion of her girlfriend’s words; it gives a hint of all that is underneath the surface but hasn’t necessarily taken full form. Finally, in this section the wording reflects the full force of the emotional and verbal abuse that Machado endures.

I really love these footnotes. I wouldn't necessarily recognize all of the literary tropes that Machado is paying homage to without them. It helps me appreciate Machado as artist. This is a carefully-constructed text. Her structure continues to impress me.

Imagery is generally a strength of Machado’s writing, but this image in particular is very powerful. The title is an important part of creating this image. The comparison between Machado and an insect pinned for display in a shadow box can be interpreted in different ways. The image of a young child collecting bugs as an amateur scientist suggests wonder and fascination. The hint of a butterfly display suggests beauty. Yet the image is ultimately a horrifying one. Machado is the insect, trapped and perhaps in pain. I think that the strength of this image is its complexity and ambiguity. The reader is able to feel the intensity of the hold that the girlfriend has on Machado, yet the threat is masked, not yet fully formed. The impact of the imagery reflects Machado’s joy in this new relationship but also hints at the warning signs that her subconscious is recognizing, even if she herself is not yet fully cognizant of the dangers the relationship poses to her emotional well-being.

This entire chapter is disturbing in many ways. Though Machado makes it clear that the aunt herself has suffered emotional pain, this in no way excuses the behavior described her. It takes a deeply disturbed individual to traumatize a child in this way. Machado’s mother’s silence suggests some of the reasons that Machado herself was vulnerable to her girlfriend’s abuse. The emotional abandonment Machado suffered makes it easier for the reader to recognize why she was so desperate to cling to any hint at all of love.

This, and its accompanying passages on page 29 and page is so well done! The slight changes in vocabulary and structure do a wonderful job of reflecting the slow journey that Machado takes in moving into and ultimately out of this relationship.

This short sentence is incredibly powerful. It succinctly conveys all the reasons why Machado does not immediately recognize herself as a victim and why she does not necessarily feel the need to seek out help. The title reflects not just Machado’s epiphany that something is wrong but also the reader’s epiphany of why so many abuse victims remain in threatening relationships. From the outside, it is easy for us to ask why she would stay with the girlfriend, but this statement makes it clear that the boundaries between right and wrong and security and danger might not be as clear as we think they are.

Though I am drawn in by the tone of this memoir and find Machado’s voice compelling, what strikes me as most interesting thus far is the structure and imagery that she uses to structure her story. I like the way that she takes the same central concept and examines it from a variety of angles. This line in particular intrigued me because I find myself wondering about other architecture metaphors. As I tried to think of some, I realized that most of the ones with which I am most familiar are religious. I had a hard time thinking of any that were not religious.

In this class, we’ve talked a lot about identity. This sentence provides some interesting insight into the identity of Latinx Americans. Throughout this book, Junior has been closely tied to identity as a hypersexual and inherently unfaithful Dominican man. Yet here is a Dominican woman challenging his right to claim to be Dominican. It reflects the ambiguity that sometimes shapes the identities of minorities in America. It reflects the borderlands mentality that Anzaldúa describes. Yunior is in-between. Despite his self-professed love for his island home, he doesn’t really fit there anymore.

To me, this sentence is very telling. In this chapter devoted to Yunior’s attempts at reforming himself, at changing his behavior at least, this is a hint that his essential character remains (at least at this point) unchanged. Yunior understands the reasons why Noemi would want to be cautious in engaging in a sexual relationship, but concern for her emotional state and her general well-being are insignificant to him compared to his own desires. He has a very high opinion of himself and believes that he deserves to have a sexually-intimate relationship with her. In his mind, Noemi is defined by the choices that she has made in the past. He has little regard for her agency and her right to choose for herself when to initiate a sexual relationship with him. He continues to objectify women and feel entitled to using their bodies for his own pleasure.

This entire section is fascinating and deeply problematic. “Secret” suggests an awareness on Yunior’s part that his relationship with Miss Lora was wrong and perhaps shame-inducing. Sexual promiscuity and inability to commit are classic signs of childhood sexual abuse. His desire to defend Miss Lora alongside his relief at having told someone are also common in victims of such abuse. His mother’s equating Yunior with the behavior of her husband and Rafa (instead of recognizing Yunior as the victim he is) would serve to further enhance any shame that Yunior feels. The girlfriend’s reaction is refreshing in one sense: she clearly recognizes how wrong this was. Yet she too seems to normalize it to at least some degree.

Why does it “kill” Yunior when Miss Lora touches him in public? I think it is ambiguous, but it could further suggest the shame that he feels about how and when their involvement started. He feels powerless around her, much as victims of sexual abuse do. He feels trapped and wants it to end but doesn’t necessarily see an easy way out. Her reassurance that she “wants what’s best” for him reflects the careful grooming and manipulation that sexual predators work on their victims.

More contradictions in Yunior’s emotional reactions to Miss Lora. He enjoys the sex and even feels jealous of her interactions with other men, but the situation also produces intense anxiety in him.

A very clear statement of what is driving Yunior in his involvement with Miss Lora. He is grieving Rafa’s death, and he wants to find some human connection to help him process it. He is very vulnerable at this time. He connects his sexual relationship with Miss Lora to fear -- he knows it is wrong, and he is scared that someone will find out. Again, classic indicators of sexual abuse.

This imagery of blood continues the association of Yunior’s sexual relationship with Miss Lora to trauma. His involvement with her are just as much a part of his nightmares as are Rafa’s death and Yunior’s obsession with the Apocalypse. (Yunior himself doesn’t necessarily understand this.)

Yunior’s inexplicable anger at himself in this moment is telling. He enjoys the physical relationship he has with Miss Lora, but he hates himself for it. Such anger (and shame) are often seen in victims of sexual abuse. They feel angry/guilty for enjoying something that they know is wrong.

Paloma’s dismissal of Yunior, her inattention to his emotional trauma -- primarily his grief over Rafa -- is very telling. It is clear that Yunior is drawn to Miss Lora because “She listened" at a time when he was emotionally fragile.

This connection between Yunior’s actions and the examples of his father and brother can be read as suggesting a lack of responsibility on Yunior’s part -- he is who he is because of his genes. In one sense, this suggests Yunior’s refusal to take responsibility for his actions. But I think that these sentences also suggest an air of fatalism and perhaps of shame. There is the suggestion that Yunior wants to be different. I think it is important to consider a chronological development of Yunior’s relationships. His involvement with Miss Lora seems to predate the other intensely sexual relationships that Yunior has described. His relationships with Magda, Alma, and Flaca all come later in his life. His relationship with Nilda predates this, but theirs was a non-sexual relationship. The only relationships Yunior refers to from the time surrounding Rafa’s death are with Laura (“which amounted to listening to her talking about how much she hated her stepmother”) and Paloma (“It’s not like you ever … had sex or anything”). Yunior’s sexual activity with Miss Lora -- suspect because of the age difference between them -- is the first time that Yunior associates his own sexuality with negative emotions, perhaps including guilt.

I find this imagery particularly powerful. The word “burning” is usually associated with fire. The suggestion of heat juxtaposed with the word “ice” (and therefore to the concept of cold) is an intriguing parallel of extremes. I think it serves to highlight the stark transition Yunior has experienced between the tropical climate found on the island of his birth and the harsh winter environment of his new home. It also highlights the distance between Yunior and the American children who can not understand him. It perhaps also suggests the freedom and strength Yunior feels in defying his father and venturing out of his home. Maybe I’m reading too much into this sentence, but I loved how beautifully written it is.