216 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. board

      A really good essay overall! I like how you interweave anecdotes and broader statistics and information about society as a whole. I think the biggest thing is to fix the wording on some sentences to be clearer/less conversational!

    2. She received dirty looks and victim blaming from the doctor and the nurses.

      A bit wordy/conversational, maybe something like.. "The doctors and nurses caring for Cottom gave her disapproving looks while blaming her for her condition."

    3. One may wonder if other factors affect this statistic but even

      Delete, by saying all other factors are controlled for, you address that and it the way it is written now it is hypothetical and wordy.

    4. Which leads to another pressing concern, of doctors not believing Black pain.

      Don't move it, but maybe connect it to Thomas more (considering I suggested moving the previous couple of sentences). Maybe something like "The experiences such as Thomas' in which doctors do not listen to their patients shows another pressing concern; doctors do not believe Black pain." Just an example, but it takes the specific experience and shows how it fits into the larger picture

    5. Yvonne Thomas tried telling her doctor that she was experiencing side effects with this method and they did not believe her.[10] They told her that other things in her life were causing those side effects and proceeded to leave the implant in.

      move this to after the sentence ending in "...refuse to remove the Norplant from her."

  2. Mar 2019
    1. unpatriotic

      Overall, a solid first draft! In terms of the content/structure, I think it is currently a bit repetitive and doesn't build to a larger point. Right now, I think it reads a bit like a summary of Smith's stanzas rather than an argument that uses smaller claims/analyses to build to something bigger. You hint at it a bit in the conclusion with the sentence about how his poem presents a larger issue. I think your essay would benefit significantly from that being brought into the body of the essay and connected to the sub-points.

    2. The poem, however, is not just about taxi rides, it presents a much larger issue of biases keeping black people down.

      I think this needs to be more than just one sentence in the conclusion, especially because it's in your intro. I think the biggest point Smith is making is not about cab drivers but about social dynamics more broadly, and thus deserves to be in the body of your essay.

    3. It is similar to how Kaepernick is expected to stand for a flag instead of kneeling in acknowledgement of how the United States has historically treated black people and all the lives that have been lost because of it.

      cite

    4. and he is expected to praise it because the “Good Lord” built it.

      I don't agree that his grandmother expected him to praise racist systems (if I'm misinterpreting your point then perhaps edit the sentence to be more clear). How do you know? You need evidence to substantiate debatable points.

    5. This speaks to Tressie McMillan Cottom’s comments about legitimacy through education, how she is not respected until she proves herself to be an academic.

      I don't think this adds much to your discussion, at least the way it is written/presented right now. It seems like a side note because there is no discussion/analysis of the significance of this connection. It seems a bit tangential (especially since Dr. Cottom is not mentioned anywhere else in the paper).

    6.             Smith’s next thoughts in the fourth and fifth stanzas are about his appearance, how he was told the manner in which he will be treated is down to everything except his skin color. He thinks of himself in 5th grade, “Mrs. Capperson holding / all the boys in for recess to tell us if we don’t / get tattoos, grow out our hair, pierce our ears, / or sag our pants everything will be all right” (Smith). The message conveyed here is that black people can be treated the same as everybody else as long as they are careful with their appearance. It implies it has nothing to do with their skin tone. Yet in the fifth stanza, once the fifth cab has passed Smith, he knows “everything is not all right” (Smith). He realizes that, he has already taken his hood down and his hat off, what else left is there for him to do? Smith has followed Mrs. Capperson’s advice, but at this point he realizes she was wrong. He realizes that it is solely because he is a black man, that no one will serve him.

      This seems very similar to the discussion of the second stanza, I think it would make sense for them to be together. It messes up the flow to talk about appearance/dress, pause, and then continue that discussion.

    7. The fact that people are willing to pay for rides, yet many cab drivers dismiss them because they are black, proves they are making assumptions about people and emphasizes how strong those biases must be to exclude whole demographics from their customer base.

      It may be useful to delve into the "so what" and the social implications of this dynamic to evoke more emotion from the reader. Bring the evidence to life.

    8. and while there is no shame in being a cab driver, it is not as distinguished as having or getting a Ph.D.

      I don't see how this adds to your point, so I would recommend not going there. You seem to be pointing out a superiority/inferiority dynamic that is really a structure of power and legitimacy, which I think is more about certain groups of humans thinking they are superior to other groups of humans and that is problematic regardless of job title.

    1. today

      I think your essay is clearly structured and flows naturally among topics and brings up some really important issues! The main thing I noticed for improvement was the tendency toward wordy sentences.

    2. The Civil Rights Movement was a momentous step. However, policies such as urban renewal, the Fair Housing Act, and the Interstate Highway Act all worked cohesively to dismantle and gains from such activism, allowing the quiet re-segregation of American today.  

      Maybe add another sentence about the relationship between the segregation of schools and housing?

    3. There is no instance where this is clearer than with 8-mile road in Detroit

      support for the claim that this is the clearest example? It may be easier/more accurate to say that it is just one example

    4. Similarly, re-segregation is increasing. In 2016 a study showed that new schools account for a large (38%) share of currently segregated schools. Nearly 40% of the education re-segregation originates from school districts undoing implementation and shuffling student bodies by neighborhood into these new schools. It is also important to note that schools are simply projections of the housing districts and neighborhoods in which they serve. Decades of discriminatory education policy is partially to blame but schools exhibit a first-hand account into the segregation of the housing market, a segregation which never ended and never was formally addressed.  

      cite

    5. a large (38%) share of currently segregated schools

      It's a little choppy to have the 38% in parentheses, so maybe take it out, take out "a large share," or at the end of the sentence say something like "...schools, at 38%."

    6. It experienced a whole new education reform under Mayor Blumberg in the past decade. Much of this reform centered around the development of new charter schools.

      I think these two sentences could be consolidated and combined into one to be less wordy

    7. Desegregation of schooling was a shining moment of change in the United States, reversing decades old policies of segregated and unequal education. For one, desegregation of schools was widely disapproved by Blacks and Whites in the United States. Black parents were concerned about sending their students to white schools for safety reasons. Most Black students ended up in White schools as districts closed or heavily converted black schools. Similarly, social treatment and mostly white teachers proved to be concerns (Cobb 2014). White Families shared concerns based on racism but also based on false pretenses surrounding the economic status of Black children and the safety of their own. Such fears became apparent as private, primarily Christian, schools started to pop up all over the south where white children could seek refuge in their own exclusive environments (Cobb, 2014). Poor implementation allowed for the quiet reversal of these policies in schools sixty years later. 

      Great!

    8. The history of segregation and institutionalized discrimination in this country have left an impact which continues to, despite new generations, target Black populations.

      I think this topic sentence is a bit misleading about what your paragraph will be about. To me, this makes it sound like the focus will be the continued impact on black populations today, but this paragraph is the history/context. Maybe rephrase to something like "In order to better understand racism in the United States today, it is important to first note the historical context of segregation..."

    9. The first major case following Plessy vs. Ferguson was in Rhode Island in 1952 (Cobb, 2014).

      I think there may be a typo here. You're introducing a case after Plessy but the next sentence talks about Plessy?

    1. *NOTE: i think i was supposed to write about a social issue more than the actual poem itself… not sure if i was on the right track here….. whoops!

      I was under the impression it was supposed to be a social issue but I'm not entirely sure, I could be wrong. But you do discuss racism more broadly in your analysis of the poem.

    2. Smith depicts racism and violence, particularly against young black men, through many different literary devices and poetic techniques, and, as briefly mentioned previously, the use of a second-person cicada narrator to tell a painful, truthful, and ultimately implicative and moving story.

      This seems a bit wordy, perhaps make more concise if possible

    3. According to author Clint Smith himself, he wrote these poems in an effort to redesign “the talk”—a talk given by parents to their black children about navigating a world that is oftentimes set against them—to introduce new questions and new pieces of advice.

      I think you could potentially use this as evidence/part of your explanation in the body of the essay

    4. “what the cicada said to the black boy” is not Smith’s only poem in which an object or animal speaks to an unnamed black youth.

      I think this is a simplistic statement that doesn't really get at what the paragraph will be about. Try rewording it to be a better indicator of what you will be talking about

    5. “what the cicada said to the black boy” is not Smith’s only poem in which an object or animal speaks to an unnamed black youth. Another poem found in his collection Counting Descent is “what the ocean said to the black boy.” The two poems both employ a specific stanza pattern—and eventual breakage of that pattern—and both are written in all-lowercase. And as stated previously, both feature a unique narrator asking impossible questions and offering up advice to a young black boy. However, there is far more guilt found in “what the ocean said to the black boy” than in “what the cicada said to the black boy.” When the cicada speaks to the boy, he understands the boy’s situation, but when the ocean speaks to the boy, he is guilty, describing how “they use me to put you out”. These poems serve to show the many different ways in which black people interact with the world—and vice versa. There’s no one simple and easy explanation for the systematic and institutionalized violence, pain, and racism found in the country, and while there may be similarities in how different communities interact with and view the world around them, the differences in those interactions often result in the most powerful realizations, such as the power of mislabeling and misunderstanding seen in the closing lines of “what the ocean said to the black boy”. 

      Because you only talked about the cicada poem in your thesis this is a surprise and thus seems a bit tangential. If you want to talk about how the cicada relates to other poems, it should be in your roadmap in your introduction.

    6. By bringing the reader fully into the poem, Smith is asking of him or her—in what parts of your own life are you marginalized or made to feel lesser? How have you contributed to the “they” persona in the poem? Do you fully understand the impossible choices that young black men must make to protect themselves?

      So what? Why does it matter these questions are being asked of the reader? Explain the significance

    7. two very different ways of dealing with the institutionalized racism and violence found in society,

      The cicada isn't hiding from institutionalized racism, so I'm unclear how they are dealing differently with institutional racism

    8. At first, one might believe that the boy will be rendered something good because of the positive connotation of the word “multiplicity” in this context, but the sudden and shocking “of mistakes” reminds the reader how the boy is viewed from the outside of the world and also sets up the landscape of the rest of the piece.

      This is a really long sentence! There are good ideas in it so maybe break it up into two or three sentences.

    9. America

      You seem to be focusing on the United States in this essay but "America" includes both the North American and South American continents. Be as accurate and clear as possible in your labels.

    10. Although “but you” may seem small, it is only the second mention of the character on the other side of the page, and the first time that character is mentioned after a relatively lengthy description of the life of the cicada.

      This sentence seems pretty wordy, perhaps rephrase to be more concise

    11. In addition to the use of punctuation, the all-lowercase format of the poem seeks to forego the traditional style and structure of poetry to create a mood and atmosphere that splinters typical poetic order. Not only does the use of all-lowercase reflect quiet rebellion against characteristically white grammar rules, but it also gives the poem a freedom from certain poetic mandates, emphasizing the ‘free’ nature of the cicada versus the bound and stuck nature of the black boy to whom he is speaking. The cicada has learned how to save itself, the cicada has wings and can fly, the cicada can write in all-lowercase; meanwhile, the black boy cannot escape and still has to conform to the white and traditional rules of society.

      code switching could be relevant here if you wish to discuss it

    12. However, the reasons for these atrocities are largely unknown,

      Cite. I think this is debatable so it's especially important to substantiate this claim. To my knowledge there have been many propositions as to why institutional racism exists in the US

    13. It also emphasizes the unknown nature of much of the current Black Lives Matter and other race-involved movements

      I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this. Maybe reword with more clarity?

    14. The jarring, sudden use of the question mark serves to shock the reader, to fully integrate him or her into the story being told.

      Unpack this more. What about it is shocking? How does the shock integrate the reader?

    15. Throughout the piece, the only times Smith ends his sentences with punctuation is when he ends sentences with question marks. In fact, the entire piece lacks punctuation in any form except for question marks.

      These two sentences are redundant, pick one

    16. through a plethora of different literary devices and poetic techniques, and, as briefly mentioned previously, the use of a second-person cicada narrator to tell a gut-wrenching yet ultimately beautiful and incredibly important story.

      Just saying the author uses literary and poetic devices is pretty vague, perhaps it would be beneficial to your thesis to be more specific and focus on a few in particular. Also, I would argue POV is one literary device, not a separate thing as your thesis seems to outline.

    17. Told through the point-of-view of a cicada, which at first seems random, eventually becomes clear not only because of the idea of being able to ‘fly’ as an escape, but also because of their intensely long hibernation periods followed by only several weeks of life.

      This is a long sentence and is a bit clunky. Maybe break it into two and reword?

  3. Feb 2019
  4. wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com
    1. cycle.

      The structure of your paper needs improvement, because it's not entirely clear what your paper is really about. It starts by being about gay epithets, then toxic masculinity in general, then how toxic masculinity affects women, and then the responsibility of men to end toxic masculinity/how to do it. Each one of these is a big topic and while I see how they are all vaguely related, the structure of this paper comes across more as a kitchen sink of things related to toxic masculinity rather than a logical argument that begins and ends in the same place. An argument should be somewhat cyclical. Covering a lot of things leaves me wondering what the main point is. Also, there is not one single citation through the whole paper. Your thoughts on the Gillette ad do not constitute an argument. You absolutely need sources to back up your ideas and views. Otherwise, why should anyone believe you? It also results in poorly thought-out claims that are very easy to poke holes in. This paper would really benefit from a more clear structure, and evidence that is cited. Also, your introduction paragraph should introduce all the topics you will discuss.

    2. Later in the commercial the scene from the T.V. show is seen again, but this time the audience does not react to the man squeezing the woman in a joyful manner. Instead they sit in silence while they watch and the look of disgust on the faces of the audience reflects how society should view such acts.

      you need to cite the ad

    3.  Actions such as these were common in entertainment for years because the sexualization of women was and still is a reliable way to draw in male viewers. In more recent years the traditional ties to misogyny and female exploitation have been all but erased from modern television and film. 

      All of this needs to be cited

    4. Gillette Commercial

      Also, listing "Gillette Commercial" at the end of your paper is not a citation. There are specific formats with different requirements for how to give someone credit for their intellectual property, such as MLA, APA, and Chicago.

    5. Men have a responsibility to not only to be vocal in their communities, but to also practice being a positive member of that community. There must be open dialogue between men and women so that we can ensure women are being heard, and that they know they are valued members of society. Men must be willing to go the extra mile and to speak with their daughters and let them know that toxic masculinity does exist and that they should never be afraid to be who they are. If older generations of men can carry the torch and lead us away from the toxic behaviors and ideologies of times past, then the next generation of men will definitely follow. Before long, toxic masculinity will be a thing of the past, but it will take the full effort of everyone to end this horrid cycle.

      These are big ideas that you are bringing up only now. Why are there surprises?

    6. The strongest buildings known to man have crumbled from the smallest of cracks, and the same applies to toxic masculinity.

      How can you possibly quantify what are the "strongest buildings known to man" and what does it have to do with toxic masculinity?

    7. If you ask a man what job a woman would be good at, rarely would you get a response that highlights the fact that women can do any job.

      I don't agree. Did you conduct this study? You need evidence to make claims, you can't just keep stating hypotheticals as fact.

    8. The words that were her own, and the ideas she chose to share with her cohorts have been deemed insufficient.

      Poorly worded and doesn't say much. Could be simplified to "Her words and ideas were deemed insufficient," which is essentially what you said in the previous sentence.

    9. ”,

      In British English it is sometimes allowed to have the comma outside the quotes, but in American English it is not. I don't notice you using British English in other aspects of this paper, so be consistent and stick with the American punctuation rules.

    10. This action is laughed at by the crowd and the young men on the couch watch as though they are used to seeing this type of disrespect on a regular basis in their lives. A

      Awkward and wordy phrasing

    11. Questions like these must be brought to the light, if we ever hope to end the vicious cycle that is toxic masculinity.

      Are you saying that merely asking the questions will help end toxic masculinity? I'm skeptical. I think that's just one small step.

    12. In one instance we see two boys wrestling in a back yard, one father simply says, “boys will be boys”.  The phrase “boys will be boys” was used to justify the actions of the boys, suggesting that violence and a physical nature are acceptable. 

      Specify that this is an instance in the commercial, and then CITE it.

    13. If characters touched a woman inappropriately there would not be repercussions to follow.

      Again, a hypothetical you are assuming to be true. This does not constitute evidence. Do you have a specific example or a source to back you up?

    14. Imagine if every man on Earth only focused on these aspects of manhood… It isn’t that hard to imagine sadly.

      I don't see how this adds to your paper. Evidence from academic sources is more credible than hypotheticals.

    15. few aspects of manhood

      The way you wrote this makes it sound like there are certain characteristics that objectively define manhood. Isn't the point of deconstructing toxic masculinity to point out that "manhood" is an arbitrary social construct that promotes gender roles and binaries and should not be these destructive behaviors that cultural norms perpetuate?

    16. Toxic masculinity has many forms, and I will shed a light on these as well as how they appear in today’s society.

      If this is your thesis, it is very vague and the structure of your paper would benefit from a more specific roadmap.

    17. has plagued men since the beginning of time

      Humans have not existed since the beginning of time. I suspect you meant since the beginning of human existence. Anatomically modern Homo sapiens didn't emerge until around 200k years ago, and I would argue that they were not using homophobic epithets. This statement is both incorrect and not cited.

    18.  Ironically, the actions that cause that response are never in fact gay and the person who does it isn’t in fact gay. 

      Several things about this sentence:

      1. You didn't cite this.
      2. It is unclear what you are trying to say.
      3. There needs to be correct punctuation around both "in facts" if you want to keep them, but they are repetitive and unnecessarily wordy.
  5. Jan 2019
    1. Michele Obama

      A great example of an influential woman! Maybe also include a female CEO of a top company? While there aren't many, there are some, and that helps to support your claim that women are just as competent as men, but have unequal opportunities/treatment. (Also her name is spelled "Michelle")

    2. achieve

      Overall thoughts: You bring up a lot of very important points about human rights and equality! You do try to tackle a lot of huge topics, so by nature it is more difficult to discuss each in detail/with specificity. Just something to consider: this essay is more of a survey of many issues rather than a deeper investigation of one or a few. Grammatically, your language is pretty casual/conversational with some awkward phrasing. I don't think first person is a good choice for this type of writing. More academic wording will make you sound more credible. I don't think your introduction is very clear in outlining what you will discuss throughout your essay. It is more of a series of broad, unsubstantiated claims. The organization/structure of the rest of your essay is built on the clarity and structure of the thesis/intro, so your whole paper would benefit from editing to your intro. Great start!

    3. in many ways

      In what ways? Are her motives relevant? Did she do this for good press, because she actually cares about these individuals, or both? Does it even matter if in the end the working conditions improved?

    4. We as Americans

      This statement assumes the reader is American. I think the "we" is unnecessary. Additionally, be careful with your use of the word "American," as anyone in North America or South America are Americans. I am assuming you mean the United States, but it is something to consider in your writing.

    5. It is very easy to see of you watch TV or keep up with the news to see that most high-end corporation CEO’s are usually male

      Great point, but the sentence is a bit clunky/awkwardly phrased, perhaps rephrase?

    6. A study found that

      If you want to say that a study found something, I would recommend saying what the study was/who conducted it to add more specificity, as just saying "a study" does not necessarily add more credibility to your claim. If you don't want to get into those kinds of details, I think you could start the sentence with "women."