I might recommend a smoother transition into introducing the Bible verse.

I might move this to the beginning of this paragraph just because I feel like this really encapsulates all that the content in this paragraph is showing. Additionally, it would just make for a good topic sentence to segway into the information you lay out here.

I think this is a great point, however, it seems to follow the one you were making in the above paragraph when you talk about Smith's realization and the larger issue in thinking that just by circumventing racism one can avoid it. I think your essay is well-written and makes a fantastic set of arguments. I also think it might help readers if you think about organizing/ structuring your essay. One thing to consider would be outlining some of the main points you're hitting on in this essay, which it seems to me from reading are 1) snap judgements made about black men correlating to their appearance. 2) Locations and the implications that one might assume based on the location 3) The attempts Smith makes in order to get the same kind of customer service/ respect any white person might get. Etc So in your intro it might be helpful to elaborate or consolidate these different elements and guide readers to a main argument or intention you're trying to reach

I think a semi-colon would work better here

The infinitive seems to inhibit the sentence. Maybe something to think about would be re-wording it to read, "he describes his existence as both..." or He notices that he exists both as xyz in the eyes of..."

You don't need a comma here

Wow. I don't mean to be cliche but you really hit the nail on the head here

Very compelling point; well-written

Can you elaborate on more of this and what that means in the context of the focus of this particular paragraph? I guess as a reader, I'm just wanting to read more about this point.

I might instead say something along the lines of, "Clint Smith's location in the poem would suggest that he is a student or works at Harvard. Despite this implication, he is still ignored by taxi drivers"

I feel that this sentence is a little cumbersome. I might suggest rephrasing in order to make it more concise.

i'm not sure how I see the fact that cab drivers could be making money but they only have Smith's appearance to base their decision on. What decision? The decision to take him as a customer, etc? I feel that some re-wording or re-structuring of the sentence could be beneficial in order to help expand upon the point you are making.

great analysis!

Is the cab you're referencing just a singular cab or are you talking about multiple cabs?

I love the point you're making here! This is a great intro. I would suggest splitting this sentence up because as of now it is too wordy.

where do we see this law enacted? The workplace, adoption centers? In other words, I need more information and more of an explanation about this law-- what it's doing and how it's supporting your essay and argument

Additionally (and maybe I'm being super picky here... that's probably the case) I might even elaborate on this even more!

I might rephrase, "as the child gets older symptoms can progress into behaviors such as..."

I might recommend making this your topic sentence and then honing in on RAD. I see the trajectory you're on and how you're trying to navigate readers through your essay (which you're doing an amazing job on), I feel that just this little bit of reorganization would make this part even stronger.

These statistics are really illuminating and very relevant to your argument. Great job in finding them and incorporating them into your essay! My one note is to spend more time elaborating on what this means in the whole of your essay. You set up this paragraph nicely w/ a topic sentence that introduced the focus of this particular section and then you moved into the data and effects separation has on children. I guess what I'm kind of looking for is a sentence or two with your reflections on what this all means for the main argument of your essay.

again, I would make the change to biological family

biological families

This sentence is a little confusing to me... do you mean that 1) We need to examine the laws already in place in order to understand how they coordinate or work together with the supreme court ruling in order to protect the rights of people w/ disabilities? or 2) Are you saying that it's necessary to examine the laws that protect people with disabilities to understand more about how they work in tandem with the 14th Amendment. And why is this examination necessary?

Maybe consider just re-wording your sentence in the slightest: "In nine states plus Washington D.C. physical disability can be a sole component or an admissible element for terminating parental..."

Wow, this really hits the nail on the head (sorry to insert something so cliche). Just a soft suggestion, maybe consider moving this up either into the first sentence of your first paragraph or just somewhere earlier so that as the reader I have a sense of where we're going or what you're trying to show me.

So I like the set up of this paragraph, it definitely provides background for the issues you'll be talking about. And I think this particular sentence addresses a couple of important notes that you hit on in your essay. (1) becoming informed about child abuse (and the various kinds of abuse) (2) and the effects that each type of abuse has on a child's life

This feels very conjunction heavy. Perhaps think about re-wording to say something like: There are even cases that are not reported or are realized too late after a child is seriously injured.

through development of what? Do you mean as children grow and develop into adults, their experiences and childhood shapes them?

• need to be understanding*

I think this is an important you bring up in your conclusion. Maybe to just tighten up the sentence a little bit you could say, " It can be hard for kids undergoing abuse to identity that they are being mistreated, especially when they are being hurt by people they know or love

spelling

put a period after age.

One thing you might want to consider researching and incorporating into your paper is what happens if the problem is realized? How is the problem stopped? What kind of policies or organizations are in place to deal with these different forms of childhood abuse?

So I'm totally on board with the point you're making, which is 1) Recognize the problem-- (2) The faster this is done or the faster people recognize the signs of abuse or just realize the large-scale matter of the issue--- (3) the less time a child has undergoing abuse and thus can live like a normal kid. Here are some of my thoughts: I. The topic sentence (or this sentence where you start "the faster the problem" is good. II. What is normal life? This is just a clarifying question… By 'normal life', do you mean just like a normal childhood? What is a normal childhood or life though? Also, I get that this may be an obnoxious question because I understand that you mean a normal life as in a life where these children don't have to endure traumatic events

the faster the problem is realized and stopped , I think you need a comma here? Maybe?

No comma

To be honest, (and this is a personal preference) I might just leave it at "Kids may even be brave enough to share their experiences with others " or some kids may even....

experiences

*hints

subtle

Maybe think about rephrasing this: Nightmares and mood swings, missing school, xyz are all signs that could tell of/ signal sexual abuse and neglect

initial

No apostrophe here.

I think you could spend more time talking about the statistical evidence that shows that a child who is abused has a higher likelihood of continuing the cycle of abuse by becoming the abuser when they grow older. This is a really good point and I think it could be worthwhile to invest or explore in it more.

affects

Show evidence to support this claim

I think it would be better to say something along the lines of, "This is general can interfere with their social skills".

A couple of things here: I like what you're getting at in terms of pointing out to readers that the dysfunctional relationship a child is exposed to at home can distort what healthy relationships look like. However, be specific! This is your time to shine and get in depth. For example, when you say "bad image" what do you mean? I think it would serve you well to elaborate. Also, kids' minds

A couple of things here: I like what you're getting at in terms of pointing out to readers that the dysfunctional relationship a child is exposed to at home can distort what healthy relationships look like. However, be specific! This is your time to shine and get in depth. For example, when you say "bad image" what do you mean? I think it would serve you well to elaborate. Also, kids' minds

Maybe think of re-working the sentence. I like the first part of the sentence where you write, "Displays of domestic violence can have long lasting impacts on a child"~~ As a reader I'm on board, you tell me what's happening, I like this. I think you can move from this sentence straight into the discussed effects of domestic violence in the home: So maybe something like: "Displays of domestic violence can have long lasting impacts on a child. In fact, domestic violence in the home can engender xyz in a child"

I think this sentence is extraneous and that you can get to your point faster without this

This paragraph feel a little jumpy to me, in that I feel like you start with the range of severity in physical abuse, the physical, tangible results from that and then go into domestic violence from their parents. I would like to see a smoother transition between these things or a more expected liason because right now as a reader I'm not quite sure what's going to happen next or where we're going

I think this is a generalization because not all kids succumb to the abuse they endure. I suggest rephrasing this sentence

succumb

severely

I think "a thing of nightmares" rather than "the" thing would work better hear

I think/hope you mean learn

or trivialized maybe?

Do you mean who or where?

I think perhaps this should go after your opening topic sentence. So if you're topic sentence is focused on the predominance of and the concern over sexual abuse against children. I think the definition of it should go after and then the perpetrators of these actions after that

You start to get into the fact that often times children are statistically more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone they know that is not a parent. Stick with this trajectory. Your introduction of terminology i.e. talking about labels of pedophiles and rapists seems relevant to the overall topic or argument you're sharing here but in-congruent with how you're laying out these first few sentences. Does that make sense? Let me know if you need me to further clarify

Personally, I would recommend re-structuring the sentence in order to make it more concise. One way I might suggest doing that is rephrasing: " Child sexual abuse is a predominant concern and issue present in our society."

• pent up*

Over time , you need a comma here

change from passive voice to active voice

Maybe think about just saying, " Mental or emotional child abuse can take many forms... or 'there a different ways mental and emotional abuse against children occur"

Word choice. May be form or type.

Delete

Maybe think about rephrasing? Abuse comes in many forms: There are different forms of abuse, such as : mental, neglect, etc.... This is kind of persnickety I realize

Here is my advice: Sit down and outline, figure out how you want to organize your essay in order to inform readers about the disadvantages black men are faced with in dealing with police. You bring up some really paramount points (like statistical evidence showing these disadvantages), societal misconceptions and continuations of these images, and you connect Smith's poems well. However, I feel that some of these things could be better organized and connected and constructed together.

I like how you use this particular moment in Smith's piece and connect it with the criminal justice system particularly police brutality against black men

I feel like there's a lot going on in this paragraph, too much. You start the paragraph with speculating about what would have happened if Castile were a white man Then you mention again society portraying black men as aggressive. Then you go into how Smith is excluded from certain activities with his white classmates Etc As a reader, I feel very confused about where we're going and what's happening here. My recommendation would be to make an outline so that you can provide sort of a clear "road map" as to where you're going and how we're going to get there. For this paragraph I would focus on one issue and go into detail about it; address one of these things.

How is this relevant to black men being portrayed as aggressive by the misconceptions society perpetuates?

Again, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this

I see the point you're trying to make, however, I think it is necessary to bring in the statistical evidence you mention earlier in the beginning of your essay or some other factual evidence.

I think you make a very good analysis. I would say that these sentences could be worded more concisely and perhaps extended.<br> Something maybe like "Yanez's actions were not only unnecessary but were also overkill (or some other word). Yanez's actions reveal the prevalence of white fear and the unjustified death black men are subjected to in this xyz society.

This is a personal opinion and Dr. Deckard may have better or different advice but I feel that what might work better in this section is I. Start with Castile voluntarily.... (like you already have done) II. Move "He assures that he has a gun permit" secondly. III. Thirdly add in that Yanez fires.. IV. Then Castile tells officer as he's dying... I might add the sequence first and then analyze the situation. Then sort of provide an overview of the situation. "The events in this situation are unfortunately are a frequent xyz or danger for black men, who are in danger of getting shot for simply reaching for IDs or xyz.

Please define white fear.

I recommend re-working this transition sentence or maybe adding a word or two-- So I might summarize this paragraph by saying, while it is clear that police brutality or police force against black men is entwined with discrimination, white fear is another dangerous weapon.... Does this make sense? As a picky reader and editor I'm just looking for something that wraps up this paragraph and then adds on to what else is used as a bias against black men.

Where are the end quotation marks?

I like the idea that you're getting at... that image portrayal or the depictions of black men often define societal viewpoints or misconceptions. However, the syntax and just the wording of the sentence is slightly confusing to me. I feel that you need to develop this idea more. I.E. what do you mean by "controlling images"? -who is controlling them, what kinds of images, how are these misconceptions circulated? Be more specific here in order to allow your reader to fully engage and understand the prominent and paramount point you're getting at.

I like the idea that you're getting at... that image portrayal or the depictions of black men often define societal viewpoints or misconceptions. However, the syntax and just the wording of the sentence is slightly confusing to me. I feel that you need to develop this idea more. I.E. what do you mean by "controlling images"? -who is controlling them, what kinds of images, how are these misconceptions circulated? Be more specific here in order to allow your reader to fully engage and understand the prominent and paramount point you're getting at.

repetitive, delete

• this vivid imagery illuminates/highlights/ makes/insert verba powerful comparison to the fear that Black boys etc..."

** Just say "this vivid imagery"

This is just a little grammar thing but I'm almost certain you need quotation marks around poem titles

What kind of political climate? A discriminatory one? An accepting one? One that is embedded with racism? Be specific.

I suggest putting this at the beginning of your sentence. So instead of starting with, "By combining his..." start with "Smith is able"... and I would recommend re-working the sentence: "Smith is able to combine the intersectionality of race and law through drawing on his experiences as a black man growing up in the xyz climate of the United States"

I think a period would serve you well here.

I really enjoyed reading this essay, very well-done.

I feel like you could make this sentence more concise. More specifically the part of the sentence, "issues with understanding what was happening because of the complex racial, political, and colonial tensions led to little being done by organizations like the United Nations. I just think you could re-work this sentence a little bit

Great point.

Really good analysis and coherent organization

Why don't you just say "European scholars studied Rwanda well before the genocide in 1994 and formed xyz opinions, while rising scholars in (this day and age) or something like this) have adopted xyz. I get what you're trying to distinguish, I just wonder if there's a better way to say this.

I might put a period here instead of a comma, separating the sentences.

I feel that the interjection makes the sentence too verbose or just lengthy. I feel like you could re-structure the sentence or at least split it up. Perhaps consider saying something along the lines of: "The UN and other international peacekeeper's lack of intervention in the genocide and even their incitement of hostile views is forgotten. Furthermore, the neglect on the part of the U.N. is portrayed as xyz and thus severely distorts the understanding of the genocide in Rwanda." In my opinion the sentence as it is now is too wordy and as a reader I feel like I'm stumbling.

I just want to say that I really like this first paragraph , it's informative, well-organized, and really illuminates the point you're trying to make to readers. I think this is very well written and my advice for this first paragraph maybe picky or insignificant. The only things I would suggest in this first paragraph is re-structuring some sentences to make them more concise, etc

black what?

I'm not sure I understand what's being said here or I'm just a little confused

Need specifics, what kind of studies? Or you could introduce the particular study that you're talking about... "In 1999, John Baugh measured discrimination against AAV through researching housing opportunities..."

This last sentence would be better placed in the paragraph before. Also, I feel like this is a redundant point as you've already made this case and written a sentence similar to this or kind of synonymous in message.

is a linguistic art that has allowed people to ....

I believe this is passive voice... Think about rephrasing this sentence. (by the way, I could be totally wrong about this being in passive voice)

Take this out and begin your sentence with how code-switching is a survival tool.

Okay a couple of things. You start of the paragraph talking about how children conforming to this. Then you go into talking about why code switching is used (to stay safe) and achieve social mobility.

As a reader, I feel like I want you to give me more about this. Personally, the Cassius anecdote seems a little disconnected here, in that I feel you need to spend more time giving me examples about how this pertains to social mobility and the safety aspect.

I think maybe you should consider bringing the Cassius example up at a later point in your paper, just not here or yu need to spend more time on this. Because it seems like you're covering a lot of topics w/in this paragraph or briefly mentioning them. So either take this paragraph to talk about how codewitching is seen in the workplace and then talk about how Riley's production illustrates this or really hone in on the idea of survival. My advice is combine the next several paragraphs w/ the claim: Code switchingi allows minorities to achieve social mobility and also stay safe in dealing with authority, in a sense, it's a survival mechanism. --- and then provide examples and evidence that support the idea that you're trying to get across

Code switching is a learned process that enables black people to....

no comma needed here

This prejudicial preference that appears in professional and academic settings is exactly what Boots Riley illustrates in Sorry to Bother you. His main protagonist succeeds in the telemarketing industry because he's able to codeswitch or put on his "white voice"; conform (or another verb) to Standard English.

Who is encouraging this? Employers? HR? Colleagues?

in places like these try to be more specific. What is the something?

I think you can make this more concise: "Codeswitching is a mechanism that has evolved through racist perceptions. It has forced black children to conform to standard English as well as colloquial dialect"

I think it's helpful from here to give readers a road map as to what you specifics you want to be addressing about code switching or what things are important to you to address.

The information in this essay is informative and significant but could use some organization: I actually think your conclusion could serve as your thesis: "The attempted erasure and elimiation of Black English reflects racism that is not only thread through our systems of education but also through the strucutre of our society. The Miseducation of young Black children and the insistence on codeswitching reflects a violent assault on Black culture. However resilient, and adaptive codeswitching has proved to be, the necessity and importance of navigating complex interactions has been created through replicated systems of oppression".

1. You touch on the elimination of Black English in education +how code switching is learned

2. How code switching is a survival tool/ why codeswitching is a "thing" i.e. why it happens, why it's learned or enforced so to speak

3. How the miseducation to black children about codeswitching and the different prejudices produced against AAVE and how it's made to be seen as inferior to standard English and how that's racist and creates systems of oppression...

I propose that this might be one way to structure your paper.

• In addition what is your argument or reflection? Define your thesis*
• Also, another suggestion, within that first paragraph definitely explain the history of AAVE and its interaction with standard English like you do in the first and second paragraph. i.e. just transfer the history from your introduction to your first paragraph

I feel that this is repetitive and aligns more with the paragraph before this because you were talking about how this sort of discrimination and system of oppression emerges in schools and how this informs minorities.

What I see you concentrated on in this paragraph is the sort of more mechanical/ language characteristics of AAVE and saying these are the grammatical components of the language and any ideas that see this dialect as inferior due to assumptions that it reflects lower education standards has roots in racism or xyz... So concentrate of the idea that you're putting forward.

In my opinion, this last sentence neither moves us (as readers forward) into what you're talking about in the next upcoming paragraph nor does it really summarize what you're saying in this specific paragraph.

I understand the point that you're making here and it's significant to the argument you're making or the idea that you're trying to illuminate. However, I think you can articulate it better. By the way, what is a legitimate dialect? Is a dialect legitimized through systematic grammatical and phonological features?<br> Reconsider: AAVE is different and distinct from other dialects of English but just as legitimate because xyz. And any consideration that AAVE reflects poorer education xyz is complicit with racist assumptions because...

** I don't think a comma is used here

grammar. "to split"?

I feel like this needs to come earlier in this paragraph. You can start with the development of code switching and pluralism. But I would follow the Howard citation with this sentence b/c you're making a statement and giving your reader a guide to what's happening in this paragraph.

I.e. Pluralism and 'bidialectalism"- what these things are, why they're important for readers to understand within the context of what you're talking about

II. How the instruction of codeswitching in schools produces systems of oppression. I.e. the sentence that's highlighted.

III. Give evidence to prove this claim that you're making. How does codeswitching in schools do xyz...?

no comma needed here!

It might be helpful to clarify to readers what the idea of pluralism means and what bidialectalism means.

no comma needed here

the double "withs" are repetitive, I suggest rephrasing..

Since the development of AAVE, the interactions between standard English and AAVE have replicated systems... and forced...

I like this first line because it provides a clear example of codeswitching in modern America or it at least provides an example of how the prevalence of codeswitching is portrayed in the media.

I also think it was smart to define what code-switching is.

A couple of suggestions: Perhaps start the first sentence with, "In Boots Riley's most recent film,Sorry to Bother you, the main protagonist Cassius Green, who is a successful black telemarketer illustrates the practice of codeswitching. Cassius is able to "succeed" in the white world or "succeed" by white standards by imitating xyz.

Then define what codeswitching is-- (you already do :))

Citation here would be helpful to back up your evidence

What kind of negative impact? adverse health effects? Negative impacts on their school work?