158 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. ‘We believe in the right to Life; the right to Liberty; and the right to pursue our own happiness. We also believe that if the government fails to protect the rights of its people that the people have the right to change the government. So, Kaepernick’s protest is a peaceful approach to changing the structure in our society and government.

      The central ideas behind this essay seem sound, however, you need to do a better job supporting your claims with citations. Make sure your citations are from credible sources and/or sources that are relevant to your intended audience. Additionally remember to maintain a formal register all the way through the essay and this includes no use of the first person. It's unclear what your thesis is so I would suggest you specify. There were also a lot of grammatical errors and incorrect or non-existent citations so I would suggest you proof-read to catch those before submission

    2. ‘We believe in the right to Life; the right to Liberty; and the right to pursue our own happiness. We also believe that if the government fails to protect the rights of its people that the people have the right to change the government.

      Cite this because it isn't common knowledge

    3. This is the main reason I believe refusing to stand for the national anthem is appropriate and justified.

      No first person and this is an opinion statement until you support it with something/ cite

    4. I feel the United States is not living up to its ideals of freedom, liberty, and justice for all.

      No first person/ why should they care about your opinion, support with citation/credible sources

    5. Coming from a military household, I have my own resources to consult when deciding if kneeling for the flag was disrespectful. My uncle told me when standing up for injustice and exercising the rights given by the constitution, is the most patriotic thing you can do as an American.  

      I understand what you're trying to implement, but you can probably find more credible sources to make your point have a greater impact(why should people listen to your uncle??

    6. “I have great respect for the men and women that have fought for this country. They fight for freedom, they fight for the people, they fight for liberty and justice, for everyone. That’s not happening. People are dying in vain because this country isn’t holding their end of the bargain up, as far as giving freedom and justice, liberty to everybody.”

      Cite this quote

    7. The national anthem pays respect to the people who have risked their lives, been injured, or died defending the United States.

      Cite this or it's just an opinion statement at which point why should the reader care

    8. But this protest received national news coverage and sparked many debates. Many Americans thought that the popularity of this incident would not only create division between the people, but it would also show other countries that same division.

      Cite all claims

    9. When a national figure such as an NFL player refuses to stand for the national anthem, it makes people pay attention and preserves the topic, which doesn’t let it slip through the cracks of our pop culture

      Punctuation issues and also split into two sentences for clarity

    10. When a national figure such as an NFL player refuses to stand for the national anthem, it makes people pay attention and preserves the topic, which doesn’t let it slip through the cracks of our pop culture.

      Cite something

    11. The national awareness of the racial injustice and outright murders picked up when celebrities and athletes used their platforms to put our society in the hot seat and speaking for those who don’t have a voice. 

      Make sure to maintain an academic register.

    12. . A month before Brown’s death, another black man was killed by the chokehold of NYPD officers.

      Since you haven't explicitly stated an importance of the time frame which these events happen, the inclusion of a month before appears arbitrary.

    13. When Michael Brown was shot to death by a white police officer in Ferguson, Missouri (2014), it awakened a movement

      By stating it this way, you are assuming the reader knows who Michael Brown is already.

    14. The protest was to show he wasn’t going to stand for the flag to take pride in a country that unjustly treats people of color, but more specifically black people.  

      Choose either to take pride or stand for the flag because both makes the wording awkward.

    15. Imagine having to live in a world where you feel a pair of eyes on you no matter where you go. Imagine having your head on a swivel every step you take because in a matter of seconds someone can make a decision that can end your life. These actions can be placed on you solely because they don’t live the same life as you. “There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”  

      Don't use first person. Try replacing with the passive voice.(Ex: imagine a world where one is constantly under surveillance)

  2. wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com
    1. Following the fifth stanza, however, is where the poems take their different directions. Yet the similarities within these short stanzas are plentiful and have much to offer.

      Interesting ideas throughout, but a little unclear what the thesis is. Some of the language is possibly a little too familiar for a formal essay. Also rather than informally referring to text throughout the piece use an in-text citation and surround that with what you're trying to communicate.

    2. By comparing and contrasting the two poems, these similarities and differences

      This wording makes it seem as if the similarities and differences are doing the comparing and contrasting.

  3. Mar 2019
    1. Instances such as the Flint water crisis and Cancer Alley provide a window into the systems perpetuating environmental racism in the United States, most notably are the structural injustices within EPA enforcement and the NIMBY (Not in My Backyard) phenomenon.

      Possibly split these into two sentences, a little jumbled. Also I see your thesis now, but I think you want to make it even more clear exactly what you're going to be discussing. Since you mention ER not being discussed enough, activists not being heard, perpetuating white power and systems perpetuating ER it could appear as if you plan to discuss all of these.

    2. How such glaring racial and environmental injustices such as the Flint water crisis and Louisiana’s Cancer Alley continue

      If this is a new paragraph then you need a transition in the last few lines of the other paragraph

    3. who previously had crosses burned on his lawn for attempting to integrate the local high school

      Possibly cut this part of his description out since it doesn't necessarily pertain to the essay

    1. Race as a determining factor of what areas carry the environmental and health burdens of production in the United States underscores national discussions of voice and legitimacy. White communities have the resources to raise awareness, money, and public attention to protect their communities and residents. And, people listen. It is clear, by turning their neighborhoods into toxic wastelands solely based on racial demographics, that black lives are not valued as legitimate human lives in this country.

      Really good information, but I'm uncertain what your specific thesis is. It's pretty clear you're addressing environmental racism, but what are you trying to prove or bring to light specifically?

    2. It is important to examine the varying effects of these pollutants across racial demographics in order to understand that these environmental problems disproportionately affect people of color. In Louisiana in 2000, there were 214 cancer-related deaths for black men and women respectively per 100,000 people compared to 167 per 100,000 people for white men and women respectively (Singer 147). Every year, Louisiana produces 16,000 pounds of hazardous waste per capita.

      I think this is well done

    3. Using of geographic information system (GIS) mapping showed that polluting manufacturers are located in the areas that have the highest percentages of black residents, the lowest average household income, and the most residents without a high school diploma (Blodget 647).

      Earlier when you said there is no doubt that this occurred due to the racial demographics of the town, theses are great statistics to support that. Maybe move that statement to this paragraph.

    4. While only about 6.5% of the chemicals manufactured in the United States, but they are the source of 12.5 percent of the hazardous waste produced nationally, showing that their chemical production pollutes at a higher rate than production elsewhere (Singer 144).

      Possibly seperate into two sentences or phrase differently to correct the run-on.

    5. There is no doubt that this occurred due to the racial demographics of the town. It is hard to imagine toxic water ever being sent an affluent white neighborhood.

      I completely agree with this, but cite something or use some statistics to make it more credible

  4. Feb 2019
    1.    Acts of sexual violence, hyper-criminalization, and discrimination are seen as the norm when dealing with these specific minority groups. Black children continually face discrimination, unfair punishing, and extreme policing on a daily basis, yet they are still expected to remain civil in front of authority figures. The United States is seen as such a progressive nation but needs drastic changes to become the post-racial society that the citizens believe it is.[19] The mass confinement and policing of the Black population has inhibited progress and is negatively affecting Black youth. There needs to be more attention in curing the issue beginning with the children.

      Like this, but it should more closely mirror your topic sentence

    2. . It is unfair that these children are at a disadvantage because of institutionalized racism instilled in this country.

      Add a sentence underneath this that allows you to transition into the topic of the next sentence.

    3. hese forms of punishments allow teachers to harshly punish a Black student for a speaking out of turn in class but only give a warning to their white counterpart.

      Cite this, to give it substance

    4.  Hyper-criminalization of African American girls causes them to receive harsh treatment inside and outside of the classroom setting.

      This is a great topic sentence, I think you should try to implement a similar setup in other paragraphs.

    5. The school to prison pipeline has different paths for boys and girls. Many boys that go down that terrible path are subjected to the street-life of “hustling” and selling drugs.[10] The girls that spiral down this road go into prostitution and get “pimped out”.[11] Children should never be subjected to such harsh lifestyles.

      I think this could be a seperate paragraph on the different way it affects boys and girls. Within this paragraph i think it may distract from the main topic of this paragraph which seems to me the role policies play in prejudice

    6. The initial goals of these exclusionary punishments are to prevent students from misbehaving and promote a positive learning environment. These forms of punishments allow teachers to harshly punish a Black student for a speaking out of turn in class but only give a warning to their white counterpart.

      combine these to sentences and make the second sentence a however clause. (Ex: ...and promote positive learning, however, in actuality they allow etc. etc.)

    7. Moreover, teachers are not the only people in the school system that participate in unfair, prejudice behavior.

      I would put this in the previous paragraph so the first sentence of this paragraph can be your topic sentence, I think that could help with organization

    8. A teacher is supposed to facilitate ambition and help children reach their goals, not hinder dreams by discriminating against students.

      I agree with you, but since teacher qualifications/expectations doesn't seem to be the focus of your essay, you should probably leave it out.

    9. The school to prison pipeline is a structural system that abets in pushing children out of the classroom and onto the streets, which eventually results into criminal activity that leads to jail t

      Maybe break up into two sentences, I think they can both stand alone

    10. thugs, criminals, and children

      Because of how this is setup it reads as if you're still continuing your list(thugs,criminals,and children) to remedy that you could say '...thugs and criminals, and the children in/of these communities are etc. etc.'

    11. Black children with the school to prison pipeline and hyper-criminalization of Black girls.

      I like the contents of your first paragraph, but I think you should reorganize it so it's more clear what the structure and focus of your essay is going to be

    12. This current era of mass imprisonment has dramatically affected the hindrance of the success of all demographics within the Black community.

      Possibly reword since this is the intro I would be more clear about how it has affected the hindrance, especially if this idea is going to be integral to your essay.

  5. Jan 2019
  6. wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com wri101.digitalsociologyprojects.com
    1. Many would question the true significance of toxic masculinity saying that it is just how some men are, and not every man acts this way. That is very true, although all men don’t fall victim to this, any man can. The strongest buildings known to man have crumbled from the smallest of cracks, and the same applies to toxic masculinity. No matter what values may be possessed as a man, if he is not avidly working to end the cycle of toxic masculinity in his own house and community then he is part of the problem. Toxic masculinity must be ended for the sake of the future generations, and in order to do this, words must match actions. Men have a responsibility to not only to be vocal in their communities, but to also practice being a positive member of that community. There must be open dialogue between men and women so that we can insure women are being heard, and that they know they are valued members of society. Men must be willing to go the extra mile and to speak with their daughters and let them know that toxic masculinity does exist and that they should never be afraid to be who they are. If older generations of men can carry the torch and lead us away from the toxic behaviors and ideologies of times past, then the next generation of men will definitely follow. Before long, toxic masculinity will be a thing of the past, but it will take the full effort of everyone to end this horrid cycle.

      Like this portion of the essay especially the use of "strongest buildings have fallen etc." quote, however, maybe try using another quote that better communicates that idea of even best people falter sometimes. Really good job t giving your own take/solution, however you should most likely mention this earlier. Maybe mention the Gillette ad as well since a large portion of your essay was about that, however, apart from that good conlcusion

    2. Actions such as these were common in entertainment for years because the sexualization of women was and still is a reliable way to draw in male viewers

      After this statement would be a good place to plug in some kind of proof, most likely a quote or some statistics

    3. The disregard of empathy for the young boys fighting shows how toxic masculinity suppresses the emotions and it creates the stigma that acknowledging said emotions makes you soft.

      Maybe try to find better evidence to support this statement

    4. Countless generations of men were subjected to viewing this in their adolescent years thus creating a stigma as to what a man should be, leading to them becoming the men they watched on tv.

      Maybe reword, Ex: These unhealthy behaviors have been reinforced in countless generations of men who have been repeatedly exposed to these images since their adolescence. This negative reinforcement has played a major role in normalizing toxic masculinity in today's society….

    5. The entertainment industry would portray male characters as rough, rugged men who only got in fights and had relations with a new woman weekly. If characters touched a woman inappropriately there would be no negative repercussions to follow. Countless generations of men were subjected to viewing this in their adolescent years thus creating a stigma as to what a man should be, leading to them becoming the men they watched on tv.  

      Give proof, maybe cite some popular movies or get a quote from a prominent movie expert/star/critic/writer that supports your claim

    1. The strongest buildings known to man have crumbled from the smallest of cracks, and the same applies to toxic masculinity. No matter what values may be possessed as a man, if he is not avidly working to end the cycle of toxic masculinity in his own house and community then he is part of the problem. Toxic masculinity must be ended for the sake of the future generations, and in order to do this, words must match actions. Men have a responsibility to not only to be vocal in their communities, but to also practice being a positive member of that community. There must be open dialogue between men and women so that we can insure women are being heard, and that they know they are valued members of society. Men must be willing to go the extra mile and to speak with their daughters and let them know that toxic masculinity does exist and that they should never be afraid to be who they are. If older generations of men can carry the torch and lead us away from the toxic behaviors and ideologies of times past, then the next generation of men will definitely follow. Before long, toxic masculinity will be a thing of the past, but it will take the full effort of everyone to end this horrid cycle.

      Love this portion of the essay especially the "strongest buildings have fallen etc." quote. Really good job tying things together as well as giving your own take/solution. Maybe mention the Gillette ad since a large portion of your essay was about that, however, apart from that great conlcusion

    2. Actions such as these were common in entertainment for years because the sexualization of women was and still is a reliable way to draw in male viewers.

      After this statement would be a good place to plug in some kind of proof, most likely a quote or some statistics

    3. The disregard of empathy for the young boys fighting shows how toxic masculinity suppresses the emotions and it creates the stigma that acknowledging said emotions makes you soft.

      Maybe try to find better evidence to support this statement

    4. Countless generations of men were subjected to viewing this in their adolescent years thus creating a stigma as to what a man should be, leading to them becoming the men they watched on tv.

      Maybe reword, Ex: These unhealthy behaviors have been reinforced in countless generations of men who have been repeatedly exposed to these images since their adolescence. This negative reinforcement has played a major role in normalizing toxic masculinity in today's society....

    5. The entertainment industry would portray male characters as rough, rugged men who only got in fights and had relations with a new woman weekly. If characters touched a woman inappropriately there would be no negative repercussions to follow. Countless generations of men were subjected to viewing this in their adolescent years thus creating a stigma as to what a man should be, leading to them becoming the men they watched on tv.

      Give proof, maybe cite some popular movies or get a quote from a prominent movie expert/star/critic/writer that supports your claim