No need for "I think that." It's clear that you are writing in your own voice, with intelligent, impassioned concern for the subject.

This claim may be true, but especially when you're discussing the dangers of false, unsubstantiated claims, it's important that you substantiate all your claims.

Misplaced modifier. This phrase applies to the person trying to lose weight.

Incomplete sentence.

Also can you provide specific evidence to support these claims and/or be more specific about psychological consequences?

and fails to admit that it's part of the same conglomerate trying to make money off people's desperate desires to lose weight.

Stunning (and disturbing) image pairing and excellent use of Berger.

excellent use of quotation to prepare for an engaging timeline of images.

Hims & Hers is the name of the company.

The ad is so (unintentionally) ironic, citing all the for profit parts of the system designed to make us sick, as if it's not part of the same system! Ugh!

Incomplete sentence. Was this a technical error or did you lose steam?

Beautiful, engaging, and thought provoking title and landing page.

Is this a placeholder for a "still to come" section summarizing Berger's argument?

In some ways this title seems to run at cross purposes to your argument that we should discuss Mars and Squire as disciplined, experimental artists and not just remember them as colorful lesbians. Shouldn't your title then put the spotlight on the art and not on queer identities? Maybe "Alternative Queer Artistries"?

There is no entry here for Ethel Mars, Artsy, so I am unable to locate in the Works Cited the various paintings by Mars you included in the story.

Their paintings are gorgeous, but why do two different paintings have the same caption: Ethel Mars, Artsy? Having never seen these sketches before, I crave more immediately accessible information about titles, dates, locations, etc...

I have a hard time making sense of this quotation without better framing/ sandwiching. Who is Sherwood? and what American Girl is Sherwood talking about?

Here again, this road sign doesn't adequately signal the blend of biography, close reading, and artistry that will unfold beyond the button. Embed those videos so we can't miss them!

ohmigosh, this is the most ingenious, engaging reimagining of humanities scholarship I have ever encountered! I love it so much! I wish you would embed the youtube video into your storymap rather than hiding it behind a button that reader's might skip (the button also doesn't explain what we're about to see -- I thought it was simply a link to the painting).

Changes in font size can be distracting unless used consistently to create clear visual hierachies and meaningful distinctions.

Brilliant intervention!

delete this comma

See George Chauncey's social history, "Gay New York" for discussion of the history of the term. He suggests that the queer meaning was circulating in the early 20th century,, at least in queer subcultures. The Oxford English Dictionary (available online via our library) includes examples of the first recorded usage of any meaning. They actually cite Stein's portrait as the first text to use "gay" to mean homosexual! Stein changed the language! https://www.oed.com/dictionary/gay_adj?tab=meaning_and_use#3287607.

Bold and dramatic insight! I'm intrigued! What you mean by linguistic impact? And who or what did these portraits have an impact on?

Your exposition is bold and engaging. Here, I think it would be more accurate to say: Stein created portraits of modernist giants such as...

I don't think these artists "possess" their abstract word portraits, since, as George Bornstein reminds us, literary texts don't exist in any one place or materialization.

I wonder if Hutcheon's discursive definition of art always existing in a sea of past references renders the notion of "a truth" in flux. Maybe it would make more sense to say that comparing two or more works puts them in conversation, and that the scholar who compares them joins the conversation. But what happens when scholars contribute their own artistry to the conversation?

I'm just not convinced that there is "a truth" or "the truth" embedded in any text, and I don't think that's a loss, but a gain for the way we exist in conversation with texts from the past.

These citations seem ggenerated by zotero and don't seem to follow MLA style

why all caps?

This claim is somewhat belied by all the quotations from other scholars, who are acknowledging that Loy's portrait poems say something about her own art and life.

This paragraph feels like you're struggling a bit to differentiate your argument from the critics. You've got a latent argument here that you could make, in the idea that the boundaries between self and other are permeable, particularly in the Paris community of expatriate artists. By returning to the setting of Paris, you could argue that Loy found herself by portraying others in Paris, a place where artists lived and worked in close proximity, inspiring one another with their bold experiments in both art and life.

Fascinating insight. Does this suggest that the boundaries of selfhood are permeable? Or that all innovative artists share certain qualities and characteristics that distinguish them from the average joes? Or perhaps, that Loy uses portraiture as a mode of introspection, looking outward in order to better understand herself.

Good idea to put the portraits side by side, though I think it calls to mind some of her later photos by Man Ray more!

Did I say that?! Where? (include parenthetical)

Good connection to Feminist Manifesto, but the text is too tiny to read. Better to quote only a passage.

Again, we may not need this detail, nor the "ultimately"

Do we need these details, or can you just say:

Lewis argues that Loy's abstraction wasn't abstract...

a work of fictino?

Good point, but this close reading lacks the specificity of the previous one, so it seems like another example of the same thing, rather than an example that generates a new, different insight or illuminates another dimension of her portraiture.

Personally, I like your writing style better than his. Maybe you could make the font smaller? It's like he's yelling over you!

Cool idea -- what tactics? And how does she make use of readymades in this poem, a tactic typically associated with Marcel Duchamp rather than Joyce?

unnecessary verbiage that doesn't really tell us any more about his argument or the poem -- just cut it.

Just say: Bowen Wang argues that...

excellent concise, compelling close reading

Wow! How did you animate the poem image with the boldface? Amazing!

This is really good. I think the easiest way to clear up confusion is to say something like: Most of the photographic and literary portraits of Mina Loy made by other people were created during her Paris years. Loy also created many portraits during her Paris years: of the ten poems she published, 5 are portrait poems. It is these 5 portrait poems that I will examine here.

So you're talking about portraits of Loy made by other people?

What do the portraits have to do with the Paris poems. I want to hear about both, but this seems like a jarring shift, after you just announced a purpose to look at the Paris poems. Perhaps you could smooth the transition by emphasizing in the previous paragraph and this one that Loy's Paris years were distinguished by a market interest in portraiture. Though Loy made portraits throughout her career, she did so with a particular intensity in both poetry and prose in the Paris years. (if this is true, that is!)

Also, it would be helpful to know whether you're talking about portraits of her or by her or both.

The Bowery years were important artistically and poetically, so should probably have their own frame in this timeline.

This is really tragic, because Loy had refused to see him or answer his letters, apparently out of anger at his father.

Cravan

Maybe this level of detail would be better in a narrative than a timeline?

cut clutter

John actually went by "Giles," which how he's usually referred to.

Did you forget to supply this one?!

Avoid equating the poem with autobiography. You might say Haweis was having an affair, a detail Loy alludes to in her poem about childbirth, "Parturition."

Interesting at a moment when most women would take their husband's last name, she chose to reinvent herself as an artist.

Good, clear opening and enticing, informative timeline.

I think you might be able to make this argument more effectively if you emphasized her resistance to the sexualizing male gaze rather than to patriarchal pressures more broadly. Your wonderful analyses of the paintings show HOW they resist the male gaze. It's much harder to show how she's resisting something as abstract and general as patriarchal pressures.

What does "this" refer to? What are the patriarchal assumptions she's resisting?

Ahh, this is exactly the kind of comparison that might work better above in the place of a generalization about male painters, but tell us about the stylistic differences. Is Degas an example of patriarchal attitudes? or of the modernist erotic destruction of the female body?

A similar trope appears in Djuna Barnes's novel Nightwood, where a circus performer's leotards become one with their body.

excellent choice and use of evidence.

I have a hard time with such unsubstantiated generalizations. It might help to provide a representative example or two, otherwise you're relying solely on what's called a warrant of authority: Because Pike says it, it is so.

where in the novel do you see evidence of resistance to patriarchy?

Aha! You had a similar thought. I agree that it's offensive but think we can also see how she is using the stereotype of the Negro as stronger, more physical, and more primitive as a way of revitalizing her own white, female body--that's how Primitivist tropes work. White people create exotic fantasies about the dark Other and then feed on them to revitalize themselves.

Do you think it would be wise to acknowledge this primitivist trope as one of the ways she imagines greater physical power in her own body?

I think you could provide all this useful information in one condensed, concise paragraph, and deliver a more precise thesis. What "profound meaning" will your analysis reveal?

As I read on, it seems like your thesis is that dance in the novel does not serve as evidence of anorexia, but is an art form that confers strength and autonomy onto the main character, allowing her to locate herself physically and creatively outside of her roles as daughter, wife, and mother.

can you provide textual evidence to support these perceptive claims?

no comma necessary here.

This seems like an important quotation for reclaiming and redirecting the power of blue veins toward her own fame as an artist, rather than toward sex appeal to a man.

Why does the text of the paragraphs keep changing in font size?

What does "this" refer to?

She interprets the novel... (maybe unnessary rep?)

Payne effectively diagnoses Fitzgerald...

unclear who is doing the assuming

Possibly give a short plot summary of the novel to get readers interested and grounded in it before you do your lit review.

This phrase seems repetitive, since you told us she not only admired but actually studied it as a child. Maybe just say: she became captivated by the idea of taking up ballet professionally.

This is a marvelous introduction to your project. You've made StoryMap operate like a ScrollyTeller with a zoom function!

This entry should follow the same format as the dictionary entry for Dilettante

Where did you get access to this annotated copy? This would be a great resource to link to and should be included in your Bibliography.

Good argument, but this last clause dangles. Consider cutting it.

She may be creating allegorical figures here, using everyday objects and symbols to represent both real people and abstract ideas.

Not only satirical but very bawdy, scatalogical, and explicit. Lots of references to body parts, especially ones with sexual/erotic functions!

This zodiac sign also evokes two other symbolic traditions:

1. the Blazon, the catalog of female body parts that appears in lyric poetry from Petrarch on ("her eyes are like diamonds, lips like cherries...)
2. The St. Sebastian motif, a saint who was killed by a thousand arrows and who, Richard Kaye argues, became a homosexual icon by the late 19th century.

intriguing!

good insight into Barnes' feminist strategy

This sentence seems to repeat the idea from the first sentence of the previous paragraph.

echoing (and parodying) a cultural tendency to either denigrate or idealize women, with nothing in between.

good connection

Interesting medley of lamentation, bawdy doggerel, and storytelling suggests a wide range of affective moods and lesbian experiences.

Excellent point! As with her evocations of Christianity, she is subverting -- or even inverting -- traditional moral values. And remember "sexual inversion" was consider a valid theory of homosexuality at the time.

Can you transcribe them?

Seems important that this conception occurred without a man or male angel!

caricatured or characterized

Might be helpful to have an image of the 2-column format?

use an m-dash (command/shift/hyphen) rather than a hyphen.

This phrase dangles and the next sentence is cut off.

quote and cite the Afterword for this phrasing.

a more generous quotation might help untangle the syntax here. Sounds like she's being paired like to like, which doesn't make sense if she's straight.

What is the intention? Isn't she just following the conventions of the calendar year and the almanack form?

Barnes describes January as... (avoid passive voice)

irreverence? Is she mocking the women for their reverence? for their irreverence? It's not quite clear what she's mocking, but my sense is that she evokes Christian imagery to create an ironic contrast, since their behaviors are what would be deemed sinful in a traditional Christian theology.

to be enjoyed and read as a communal experience?

This sentence is vague. Why not just take it out?

seems almost like a warning as much as an invitation.

The foreword is fascinating. She starts by minimizing the project as a small, flawed, and obscure affair. To set it before "the compound public eye," she then shrouds it in Latinate rhetoric that obscures as much as it reveals, casting the Almanack as a dangerous mythological creature.

It feels as if, almost 50 years later, she's still trying to preserve the secrecy and self-mythologizing that strengthened and sustained the Lesbian community of the 1920s. They were considered monstrous and unnatural by society, and in some ways, Barnes embraces and recuperates the sense of being an outcast, grotesque monstrosity, much in the way subsequent activists recuperated the term "queer" and staged elaborate gay parades.

difficult? particularly for readers who are not "in the know"!

"is composed of" or "comprises"

I've never come across this view of Barnes as a dilettante, so unless you found it in a more scholarly source than Mirriam-Webster, I would leave it out. She was a serious writer, as well as a witty, ironic, and sometimes outright hilarious one.

I'm not sure she used these movements as much as participated in them. You could simplify to: She combined avant garde aesthetics with decadent, bohemian, "art for art's sake" sensibility.

I think these two sections might be combined in one concise bio of Barnes that leads to the Paris and the Almanac.

Simple, elegant title page tells us exactly what we need to know and entices us to enter, without minimizing your project.

I'd love to know more detail here. Who requested it? Also this information seems to require a citation for its source.

Brilliant connection and excellent point about the setting, but do you mean that the setting is as much a part of her work as the language of the poem itself? Also, might this be a place where you can gesture to the Paris connection. Loy's poem, if it's Three Moments in Paris, connects this NY scene to its Paris "sister city" in modernist decadence.

I'm not the author of this work. See the about page to create a correct citation.

Carolyn

Actually periodical studies is a very established field with a methodology that these students adopt! They didn't invent it.

As a design rule, use left alignment for any text longer than a single line. It's much harder to read centered text.

page #?

I don't think she published a drawing in Rogue, did she? Clara Tice published drawings that seemed to illustrate her work.

Do you need a citation for this information? It may be considered common knowledge, but if you had to look it up, cite your source.

Stein may be looming a bit too large in this project. Her salon was an important gathering place, but not the only one. Natalie Barney's salon, Sylvia Beach's bookstore, and the many cafes and clubs provided other nodes in the network.

awkward syntax. Was she the American facing literature?

Maybe clear to say "About Mina Loy," so it doesn't seem like this is about you, the author of this essay!

Good, clear, engaging opening.

This sentence has a misplaced modifier. The initial clause "through-reimposing..." attaches to the nearest subject noun, so that Three Moments in Paris is re-imposing itself.

You can make a better sentence and stronger anchor by saying something like: By examining Three Moments in its little magazine context, we can see...[and then insert a specific thesis/insight]

This does not seem like a full citation.

What about the Paris context? Can you find any connection to her occupying the worlds of Paris and New York?

citation needed -- add a parenthetical to indicate which Keyser title and a page reference, even when you are paraphrasing.

can you give an example of how they presented her? Without firsthand evidence, your claim relies solely on what's called a warrant of authority, i.e. because Keyser said, it is so.

no need for comma after author's name in MLA style

Where and how? provide evidence from the poem to support your claims.

Can you provide evidence to show where and how poverty, shame, and survival manifest in the poem?

put poem titles in quotation marks, book titles in Italics

missing citation for Howard, too.

I'm curious to read an example of this conversation.

citation?

Excellent quotation & analysis. Where is the citation for this quotation?

fun, interactive prompt

Excellent, clear, concise exposition and thesis.

It's tiring on eyes to read an entire paragraph of boldface type. Can you switch this to regular text and make a transition to invite readers outside the map? Talk to us the way you did at the beginning, e.g.: If you feel a bit dizzy after that tour of Paris, you have begun to realize the length and physical impossibility... You might also productively include some of the calculations you mentioned in class, like how many miles were traversed in navigating the city in this way, and how long it might take to do so.

Since you can't use italics, put the work's title in quotation marks.

Beautiful use of paintings to set the scene. Where can I find the artists, titles, etc. for these paintings?

I love how you've found so many archival photos and postcards. The images pull me back in time, while the map locates me in specific locations.

Is this your typo or how "carrousel" is spelled in the poem?

Is the image above this quotation one of the slogans she cites? I can't tell!

Good way to evoke historical and geographic coordinates simultaneously.

Are you referring to your own work? Or to the digital version of the poem that precedes it? This might be a good place to introduce the digital version and link to it, inviting readers to read the poem in full before returning to take the geographic journey with you.

I love the painting in the background, btw, which makes me feel like I'm about to zoom in and become one of those figures in the Paris park!

Can you include a parenthetical with the names of some of these scholars?

locates her where?

There doesn't seem to be a clear rule for what lines of text are larger. Is it quotations--from primary or secondary sources? Emphasis?

When and how did she die?

explain who the Blackbirds were.

I'm not sure what is the difference between historical contextualization and reading posthumous portraits.

put title in Italics. Also have you introduced Shuffle Along and explained her role in it already? Like Du Bois, this important reference needs more contextualizing to explain its significance as the first Broadway musical with an all Black cast (rather than white performers in blackface) and Florence Mills' role in the production. Was it her breakout performance?

might need a bit more context for readers unfamiliar with WEB Du Bois

Why is this text larger?

The story map is rich with archival details, but I'm having a bit of trouble distinguishing your narrative from the primary and quoted sources. Might be more effective to have a consistent rule of your narrative being in regular paragraph form, and quotations from primary sources appearing in those flying boxes?

I agree about the red curtain and think this text and the screen shots from newspapers would probably be more effective if just delivered, with the sentence above, in regular text/image format

Very effective animated collage that rebuilds the mythology even as it immerses me in it.

Use comman-shift-hyphen to create a real m-dash

put periodical titles in italics

Though clear and coherent, this conclusion feels like a bit of a let down after such subtle, perceptive, and engaging analysis. I think you might say how, after (or as an extension of ) collapsing the distinction between flaneuse and writer, the poem animates the reader in their combined role, inviting us to experience an autonomous, subjective, mutlisensory interiority, in which the self is not objectified nor objectifies others, but experiences its own power and permeability. In this way, the poem reminds me a bit of Walt Whitman's Song of Myself, which concludes by hailing the reader, saying: if you want me, look under your boot soles. We become Whitman, walking the streets of the newly formed American nation in his shoes.

makes me wish you'd found audio to play these notes, though I shouldn't be greedy ;-)

very intriguing and perceptive distinction.

Nicely done!

Paris at a particular point in the 1920s, when there were still roosters! You'd be unlikely to hear that today!

aha -- of course you already thought of that idea!

and perhaps also reflecting on how painters have depicted the space. Or maybe she's seeing the space via the paintings she's seen of it.

effects

The audio effect is brilliant! I can hear the berkekekek!!

wonderfully clear presentation and analysis of the opening lines.

Your insights are excellent, but here again check this tendency to attach dependent clauses that don't have a clear referent. This one attaches to "male gaze."

This clause dangles in this location, attaching itself to the "female flaneuse". Better to begin with the scholars, writing something like:

Scholars have noted that the poem posits the existence of a female... as an alternative to the male....

freely? nonchalantly? Also, what makes him hegemonic? Could the male flaneur ever be a queer or subversive figure?

This seems like a better, more diplomatic framing of your relationship to the digital edition than the one you provide above. Consider condensing to avoid the repetition.

great quotation and recuperating of a criticism into a strength!

Here I think you can praise the digital edition a bit more, given our debt to it, and soften your criticism while still differentiating yourself, e.g.

The digital edition makes the poem accessible to the public, providing detailed annotations of the poem's many now obscure references, and even linking them to a set of related archival images. As rich as this context is, delving into it may distance readers from their immersion in the sensory experience of the poem. Building on the foundation their digital edition provides, this multimedia essay aims to recreate that sensory experience online.

combine in one paragraph and provide a bit more information about the digital edition.

here's where you might intro the digital edition, saying: neglected until recently, when....

Clear, direct opening gets the necessary facts across.

A link to a source doesn't substitute for a citation, and here you risk losing your readers to the digital edition. Why not introduce that edition explicitly, link to, acknowledge your debt to, and distinguish your project from it right up front?

I love your interactive exhibits, and wonder what would happen if you intermixed them with your more formal essay writing? Also, Leah Duncan can show you a way to make the music play automatically with scroll, if that's something you would want.

Your analysis of Drift of Chaos II is so richly detailed that I quite long for the scrollyteller format so I can see the image side by side with your analysis!

Marvelous job linking the poems to the paintings. The inside/outside motif is rampant in her early poetry and tied to gender motifs in "Three Moments in Paris" and in "The Effectual Marriage," too.

It's a bit confusing when you cite "Three Moments" but then quote the poem "Parturition," which I don't think is part of the triptych, is it? Considering moving the passage from Parturition up to just after the paragraph where you discuss it. Or use Three Moments, instead of Parturtition to illustrate both the inside/outside motif and the multiple speakers approach.

Excellent question: I want to read your answer!

Here, you articulate a key point that seems essential to your original contribution to Loy studies. In some ways you're returning us to Conover's original insight about how she defies categorization by showing how she applies this individual touch to her paintings.

For some reason, Hypothesis isn't allowing me to making line item comments.

Here are a few small suggestions for your lucid, perceptive, beautifully written essay.

Since you cite our website so often, it feels like it falsely gives me credit for work that is collaborative or by other authors. It might be better to use the parenthetical (mina-loy.com) and/or cite the author of the particular page or item you're citing on that project. For example, you might use (Rosenbaum) for her chapters on Surrealism, and treat the citation as a chapter in an edited collection, where the author of the chapter is cited, and the edition info is secondary.

"Regardless, more work needs to be done" seems like a sentence that could be applied to almost any artist, and certainly any woman artist. Can you point to some more specific issue that needs attention? Such a move would foreground your contribution and whet our appetites prior to the lit review that follows.

Excellent, concise, confident, and illuminating lit review. It may be a bit unfair to charge Rosenbaum with categorizing Loy's work as Surrealist, since she's specifically looking at work Loy created when actively participating as artist, writer, and agent in Surrealist artistic activities AND she argues that Loy was critiquing Surrealism as much as participating, adopting en dehors garde strategies of engagement and resistance.

Fine job summarizing how your method differs from those before you, but I think you can sharpenn the articulation of what insight(s) your method will provide: what key nuances will your method reveal?

seems like a sentence that could be applied to almost any artist, and certainly any woman artist. Can you point to some more specific issue that needs attention? Such a move would foreground your contribution and whet our appetites prior to the lit review that follows.

In these annotations, I offer a few small suggestions for your lucid, perceptive, beautifully written essay.

Since you cite our website here and elsewhere so often, it feels like it falsely gives me credit for individual work that is collaborative or by other authors. It might be better to use the parenthetical (mina-loy.com) and/or cite the author of the particular page or item you're citing on that project. For example, you might use (Rosenbaum) for her chapters on Surrealism, and treat the citation as a chapter in an edited collection, where the author of the chapter is cited, and the edition info is secondary.

These questions seem more general than your focus, which seems to be: How can Bennett's short story help us understand how Black time shapes conceptions of Black selfhood.

How does Bennett refuse resolution, yet Jenks finds closure. Again, including textual evidence would help make this distinction.

Good use of quotation. Please insert a page reference.

what arrival?

This is a fascinating insight that requires textual evidence to be persuasive.

Perhaps a quotation showing how he traverses interior terrain could help illustrate this claim.

This is very impressive reasoning and sophisticated language. It would be more persuasive if you found evidence from the text to show that Jenks is Black and that racial awareness is evident in the narrative.

Accumulation of what?

A bit hard to follow. By the time I get to "it," I've lost track of the referent. Can you simplify this sentence?

This is a cool effect, but how does it relate to the argument you're making? Frame your media the way you would quotations, explaining where they come from and how they support your argument.

use single quotation marks for a quote within a quote

insert comma

Interesting geographic metaphor. You might want to define the term "stratographic" for those (like me) who aren't familiar with it.

This is so fascinating, and again, I find the photos from Bennett's childhood a bit distracting because not immediately relevant to the argument your making about this story.

excellent! Your prose is often clearer than your expert sources!

This phrase dangles, so I'm not sure who's doing the integrating here.

I have trouble understanding the the "hiatus of unrecognizability" (also missing quotation mark here?). Is it when something stops being unrecognizable? Sometimes it's better to put a key idea in your own words than to quote jargon out of context!

Illuminating close reading wonderfully prepares me for analysis that follows. You do a great job pointing how prominent the theme of time is, especially at the end, when you offer this quotation: "When I die I want you to give it to her, if it's a thousand years from now…just a token of a time we were in love." And then follow it with the token of the radium clock. So clear, yet I never noticed until you pointed it out!

very sophisticated, perceptive, and theoretically informed thesis.