Phones Take Away Life’s Joy
This piece came from the Sherry Turkle one page essay. I decided to revise this because in my initial draft I had only created a stimulus and response, with no why or how to indicate why the quote struck me or how it was relevant. In revising this, I realized I wanted to focus much more on how phones take away from our experience in the moment, rather than my initial thesis that silence is the solution to phone addiction.
Newly Revised Short Piece
Note the picture below, I had taken it back when I lived in California. There was a beautiful sunset, yet this group of girls appeared unfazed and consumed by their phones, which I thought was relevant to my two pieces in this portfolio. Both my 1-pager and my essay touch on the basis of ignorance, and the inability to see the world beyond a singular point of view and how damaging that can become.
This surprised me because although there are many moments throughout a person’s life that can be sad, I believe what makes life worth living is that the good moments outweigh the bad.
In my first draft, I had no response to the quote. This made it difficult for me to justify why I think Turkle believes technology can be harmful. For this draft, I explained why I found the quote was relevant, which I believed strengthened my argument that phones prevent us from being present.
When we are at an institution where almost every department head or hiring manager is white, it becomes challenging to decipher when people are being implicitly biased, or if they are turning down candidates because they truly believe they are unsuited for the position.
In my first draft, I had inserted the research I had done on racial bias with names, but made no effort to connect it to how it possibly influences BC. By including this detail, I point out the possibility for racial bias occurring at BC which I did not do before.
According to Khalwant Bhopal, a professor of social justice at the University of Birmingham, this is a major reason why students of color don’t feel seen at PWIs.
In my first draft, I had only written "According to Khalwant Bhopal, this is why students of color…" Without any context as to why Khalwant Bhopal is a credible source, it was difficult for a reader to understand what Bhopal was asking and how it connected to my essay on racism in higher ed. By explaining her background in sociology, it was easier to understand why Bhopal's research held a close connection to Nyla's experience as a Black woman on campus.
“I don’t feel comfortable talking to a white professor because there’s a gap.”
In my first draft, I had failed to provide any context for the abstract "gap" Nyla was describing to me. By including the short narrative above these few sentences, I made the "gap" Nyla feels much more concrete, and less abstract.
Now looking back, I realized what made him so nervous. I was white. He was black.
My entire introduction paragraph was rewritten. In my first draft, I opened by asking how white students versus students of color were treated on campus. This ended up being far too vague and general for my essay, especially since my essay lacked concrete examples. I needed an example of how white students lack awareness when it comes to racism, so by opening with an anecdote about my own blindness to the issue, I had a much stronger concrete detail that connected to my passions for the issue.