13 Matching Annotations
  1. Oct 2019
    1. brotherhood.

      I'm adding more to Thomas's story and I cannot wait!

    2. All in all, I committed the assault on a Latino in another rival gang

      The beginning of his racist ideology. I want to make it clear that it was forced upon Thomas to commit the beating on a Latino. He's adoption into the brotherhood came with adopting the life style of racism.

    3. Snitching and siding with the guards was never an option for any inmate, as you’d instantly be labeled a snitch and never to be trusted. Trust was a necessity in prison, it’s how you were labeled and judged by other inmates. If you can’t be trusted, you’d never receive any favors, nor have many friends. With this in mind I decided to go to the people that resembled what I had, white skin.

      added this to show the knowledge of Thomas as he know's that protection from other's by talking to the guards was prohibited.

    4. As the struggle continued into my first few months at San Quentin, I looked for anyone or anything that could stand to protect me.

      This is an important theme in the role of Thomas's life. For all the bad things he'd done up to this point, it was because he needed it. He needed protection in the environment he was in.

    5. I was going to one of the toughest prions in the country, San Quentin State Prison.

      San Quentin is the origin of the Aryan Brotherhood. Thought it fit well as if Thomas were going to the roots of this ruthless white supremacy gang.

    6. n the grand scheme of things, (I don’t like to get into much detail as it mentally upsets me till this day)

      I'm not sure how I really like how I put this. I put this in parenthesis to go with the point that Thomas doesn't rally want to go back in his thoughts to this very moment. He is writing this looking into the past as a new rehabilitated person. I don't know though, give me your thoughts. Should I add more or keep it how it is?

    7. I turned to the streets to try to hustle to survive. I mean, that was the only thing I had really known at that point. How to sell drugs and finesse other’s out of their money.

      Again Thomas has nothing, he struggles to get by day to day

    8. She never grasped the concept of being an actual mother to me, offering no type of love or affection. Never have been given those emotions that most children receive from their parents. It only added the fuel to the fire.

      I added this to furthur add on to Thomas's poor childhood. I use this to show that Thomas really has nothing in life.

    9. she chooses to neglect me

      *she chose to neglect me... will fix in revision process.

    10. being waitress

      *being a waitress.... will fix in revision!

    11. grew up with only my mother Kate to care for me, my father I’d never met. Apparently, he fled across country as soon as my mother gave him word that she was pregnant with me.

      It's statistically proven that growing up with a single parent leads to a harder life with great more difficulty. I thought adding this added to the broken life of Thomas.

    12. As I look back upon my childhood and my upbringing, it sure was not the sight of something pretty. In fact, I believe the way I went about my childhood has to do with how I turned out as an adult. This goes for most people I’d like to think, the actions of someone at a young age carries with them into adulthood. It’s the building blocks of our lives, and reflects to adulthood.

      I add this in the beginning because I really think this is important to understand when reading of people with evil or bad pasts. It's the nature in which we come from, not the nurture of pure evil people believe we are born with. A staple in this writing.

  2. Sep 2019
    1. Anthony McMahon The piece you wrote about Ken is pretty interesting. You dove right into Ken’s background which provided some vital information to the viewer. The background information stated the family structure in Ken’s life which is a really important detail when describing a character. I think many things within the paper should be explained a little more thoroughly or with greater detail. Like how flunking out of his college shaped him into who he is now, or how studying hard for his ACT impacted his work ethic in the future. Just some ideas, but definitely more depth is needed to truly recognize Ken deeper. As for sentence structure, your main body paragraph can be broken down into a couple of separate paragraphs. Most of the paper was written chronologically which is okay, but try to separate the one big paragraph into a couple smaller ones. Try starting by taking the first couple sentences, forge them into an introduction, which you did, and then dive into each paragraph chronically. As an example, you can talk about high school in the second paragraph, flunking college in the third, nursing school in the fourth, and so on. But within these paragraph’s try adding some transitions so it flows a little better. The last thing I got to say is, start talking about the mask he wears at work in front of the patients vs. unmasked at home, earlier in your paragraph. The reader practically reads an autobiography of Ken for 1100 words to just get a couple sentences at the end about who he really is. Remember that it’s a profile about who Ken is under the mask, not so much of his life story.