The Shadows- Jackson

This story has so many places in which your voice is great and your message is displayed in a very descriptive manner. In situations when you are explaining the city as a whole, or the desert location, our outer rim of the city, your detail is amazing. This allows me to paint a perfect picture in my head of what all your settings look like which is something that I truly enjoy within a story. This is also very present within your storytelling as well with a very large arsenal of explanation and detail while revealing our protagonists actions better answering the plot questions. In your original draft there were a lot of unanswered questions, but I could see in places within this draft how you were able to answer some of those questions in a suitable manner. Pretty much all the leftover questions that I had were answered within the end sequence of the story. I also love the mysterious aspect of your story leaving the audience continually wondering. This aspect of your story always made me want to read forward even after I had already read the piece once. The ominous nature of some of the other characters like the couple in the fan add excitement to the story. Overall this draft was very solid filling in all the plot holes that I saw within the first draft. The vision of the story is coming together better with it now being a more cohesive piece of work. The main aspect of your story that I believe is out of choice is your overall timeline. In this second draft you were able to answer all the newly presented questions of the piece but for many just threw them in at the end. I believe that much of this information you could add as a prologue, adding other aspects of it such as Mark's death in the middle of the story shifting back between the two experiences. This would allow for your story to flow smoothly as well as add some excitement to some of the slower more descriptive scenes. This end sequence is so significant to the story allowing for you to answer the questions that are necessary. The only other concern in vision with this tory is still a slight lack of science fiction. I see how you did add some aspects to this new draft but was only found in some places. Don't be afraid to let your imagination run wild adding flairs of science fiction throughout the text. As discussed above your description is clearly a bg aspect of your voice that has been present in both drafts. The attention to detail with your writing makes it interesting to read allowing for the audience to imagine the story within your guidelines. You clearly do this well throughout the story and it definitely elevates your writing to the next level. When you are doing this the story flows well adding the necessary information. When you stray from this vision just adding information for the sake of the tory it is still solid, just potentially misplaced.

Hyperion- Vaughn The draft although significantly different from your previous one surprisingly kept to a very similar and solid storyline. The passion for your writing is a very clear aspect of your writing as I can clearly see your excitement through your writing. Now that your story has a proper ending the story flows from head to toe with all aspects of the story coming together. At first I raised my concern with the hyperion sections of writing but I believe that your ending allowed for the story to reveal the purpose of hyperion and his role within the story. It changes the story completely from being about a small time journey between two kids and a scumbag to a universe shifting happening that was much more significant than the reader could have imagined. I believe that there is a clear storyline present that you stay with to a tee. This allows your story's vision to transcend through the writing being one collective peace. Overall this draft was very thought through coming together in a way that I am sure you are happy with. In all honesty there weren't many situations where I believe that the story was out of voice. The only big shift I believed was the style/format of your writing throughout the piece. I am not sure if this was on purpose but in my eyes the writing shift has the potential to shift alongside the story. This will allow for the audience to read different aspects of the story in different manner causing the writing to have introduced effects on the reader. The only other place that I believe your voice can still be shifted back towards is hyperion's first chapter. Although the ending ties it all together allowing for the story to make sense I still feel like a connection between hyperion and the reader is not made until the end. This is important in the final stage as you want all sections of writing to reveal your vision. Other than these small apset of your story this was a very impressive draft. The thing that I believe you do when the writing is most in your voice is create an appeal/ connection between the reader and story characters. Throughout the story there are moments that you create drawing the audience into these characters. This is an effective tool within storytelling making one want to continue reading. When you do this the story is the most interesting and compelling.