Charles, talk about a freaking amazing academic writer! I’m so jealous of your expansive vocabulary! Especially in your false dreams writing, your highly descriptive and emotional sentences really shone through – you’ve definitely got an ear for music! For this and the other writings, each one of your sentences contained so much meaning and clearly related to the purpose of the writing – especially with your concluding ideas!

Most of the comments I made were very minor ones - usually relating to grammar or sentence structure - because I thought you clearly stated your thoughts. One big suggestion is to try and implement shorter sentences to add a sort of “attitude to your writing.” You are fantastic at formally stating your ideas, yet sometimes I find that the most influential writings use a conversational tone here and there. I also noticed that many of your sentences end with a comma then -ing word; therefore, maybe look to change this up somehow by making shorter sentences, placing the dependent clause at the beginning of the sentence, or using different punctuation to help with structure variation. Also, I understand you didn’t have enough time to do this yet, but definitely implement some media to help your project’s visual appeal.

I like the linear structure that you went with. I think (other than possibly switching “The Duality of Vulnerability Between ‘u’ and ‘i’” and “How Kendrick Lamar Transformed Cultural Trauma Into To Pimp a Butterfly”) the order you have is great. One thing that I suggest would be to incorporate more of the tag feature at the bottom of your pages. For example, tag the bibliography page at the bottom of each page where you use cites and the lyrics page after you cite one of the song’s lyrics.

In the end, I really enjoyed your project. Of course I knew who Kendrick Lamar was, but I had no clue of all the details about his young life. I enjoyed your unique approach to this writing: analyzing two songs instead of one. The relationship that you discussed between these songs (especially in “The Duality of Vulnerability Between ‘u’ and ‘i’”) is very informative and overall intriguing – I love it when music artists tell a story with multiple songs (just as you did in false dreams)! For me, analyzing one song was hard enough but two…that’s just impressive. And the best part: you did it beautifully!

I think it would be awesome if every time in your project you talked bout the lyrics, you would hyperlink it back to here and tag this page at the bottom of your writing. It would help give your project more connections and give this lyrics page more purpose!

I like how you actually made and linked the playlist. Especially in the part where you talk about the Attack on Titan playlist cover, this link allows the readers to directly see it. You've persuaded me to link my own playlist to this project too :)

I really liked reading this writing. It effectively delves into the connections between "u" and "i" in a way that grasps the audiences attention with all of your powerful, thought-evoking descriptive vocabulary. Now here's what I'm thinking (and feel free to totally ignore this), but I was wondering since this writing does such a great job as describing the songs themselves, do you think this could go as your first piece after the introduction? Totally your call, but I'm just putting it out there

This is a cool play-on-words. I'm glad you included this quote; it's a great way to start off your concluding ideas!

I'd place this after "musicians" for clarity because it kind of sounds like the artists listed are describing opinions

If you do change up the sentence before, this "also" would sound a little redundant. To help this, you could start off the sentence with something like "Along with this, ..." and omit the "also."

To help with sentence flow, omit this, replace this with "too," and add "also" between BROCKHAMPTON and "began." Since the previous sentence shows what these new artists did, I don't think you need to include "like Lamar" at the end of the sentence (also, "Lamar's" is used as the next word)

It's starting to feel like a run on after this comma. Also, it sounds like the declining part is the "amount of black communities" and not the "new wave of music." To help this, you could put this in the beginning of the sentence so that it sounds like "Eventually declining in the 2000's, 90's Jazz-hip hop music...." You could also just take this part out as I don't believe it is totally essential to your claim

Heres your argument! I like it! (Maybe - though this is totally a stylistic choice and overall, your opinion - include this in your introductory paragraph

This is a really great paragraph closer and essential to your overall claims of Kendrick's purpose for writing these songs. To make it even better, I think that changing up the sentence structure could help a bit. To be more specific, Lamar is used a lot so one can change into "he" to help with redundancy. I also think that it would be important to refer back to whichever song (or both songs) that you are talking about when you expand upon the impacts that they have. The final thing is to change "love" into "love of" so that "appreciate" is related to "the diversity" and the "love of one another." Heres what I mean: "According to Lamar, Compton formerly discriminated against different people, but "u" and "i" point out how each individual has ties to the overarching black culture (such as Jazz) and urges others to appreciate the diversity and love of one another."

I wonder how it would sound if yo added the song title "i" in order to make it more clear that you are comparing the two songs. For example, "...heritages while in "i," the live instrumentals represent accepting honest imperfections."

Love how you phrased this

This is one of the main things that I caught on after listening to them back to back. Your explanation for why he switches his lyrics up is really great since before, I didn't have a clue

Period goes inside quotations -- even for song titles I believe (okay I won't comment this anymore :) )

Comma goes inside quotations

Period goes inside quotations

Comma goes inside quotations

After listening to both of them myself, this is such an amazing way to describe the song. I have no clue how you came up with those adjectives! They are perfect!

You know the deal... I'm still not sure, but I believe this should be italicized

Great closer! It really wraps everything up and teaches the reader an important message that everyone should listen to. Overall, I genuinely loved this writing! You did a FANTASTIC job of analyzing the deeper meaning each song has and its connections with the others in the playlist (while all referring back to your main story and song "u"). I think that by adding some embedded videos beneath each or adding some sort of media to this would, like with the other writings too, take this to the next level. You are a fantastic author Charles!

I noticed that you used "experiences" in this sentence already. Maybe try something like "chapter" to help with redundancy and bring back the theme of "completing a chapter in life" in your analysis of "Dearly Departed"

I don't think this is needed because in the sentence, you have already showed how it is hard to keep a strong connection. In a way, I think this phrase gives more context than what is needed for the reader to understand your main claim. Deleting this also helps with the flow and transition into the next sentence

Only one thing to say about this paragraph: It was amazing! It went back on the protagonist's feelings by covering the themes of the previous songs in the playlist while also showing the impact that "Dearly Departed" has on the protagonist's desire for "closure." One thing, I know that to denote something is a thought, writers put it into italics. So I'm wondering if you think "what now" (I think that getting rid of the apostrophe "s" in "what's" makes more sense) would have a deeper effect on the reader if it was italicized

I love it when you bring the lyrics of the song into your paragraphs! It gives something the listener could look out for, and allows your audience to make the connections between your claims about the song and the song itself

I think you could omit "always." I get why you have it in here - to show the true optimism of this song - but I think that it abruptly stops the flow of the sentence

A lot of essential points that you pointed out here. To change up its very long structure, I would place a period after stronger and then have the new sentence after into something like ". as an individual after exploring new things, navigating the mess life can be, and going through struggle, the protagonist can finally connect the bridge between their past and ...." I'm splitting this sentence (and the previous ones above) up so that none of your powerful claims are not ignored as longer sentences can tend to lose meaning; they can just "mumble on"

Omit since "still" is used in the quote

Once again, amazing overall sentence, but I think you can split it up into two (just to mention though, this is a stylistic choice). The way you could do this is to place a period after "experience" (which, by the way, I believe has a space in between the "c" and the "e;" this could also just be from a glitch in scalar's formatting...I'm not sure). Then after "experience," Start the new sentence with something like "Only now, they are remembering ..."

I think you can take this out

This is a fantastic sentence and very well worded. I wonder how it would sound if you split it up or changed its structure in some way because it has the exact same feeling as the previous sentence. You could do this by placing a period after "chimes" and starting the next sentence with "These potentially reference ..." (In the end though, this is just a stylistic choice -- so ignore it if you feel this shouldn't change)

I like this short sentence. It gives your sentence structure some more variety, and it works well as the first sentence in the paragraph.

I noticed that you have a lot of sentence structure that end with a comma then -ing. This is great especially for your first sentences since it allows you expand upon the song while still being able to keep the title as the first word in the paragraph (symmetry). In order to break up this sentence a bit, maybe make this final part into a chronological list (especially since you used the word "first"); you could do something like "...first introduces the idea of being their own best friend, faintly starts to embrace vulnerability and then finds peace within change which ..."

Referring back to a previous song (in contrast to a future one) in the playlist is brilliant! It shows that "These Chains" still relates to "u" even though it was played before it -- and this can be seen from it "beat switch"

Add the word "and" between here

I love how in this, and every other paragraph, you end up making the connection back to "u" -- and it is done so smoothly!

For example, ... college :) This entire paragraph is super relatable, and I'm sure applies to every human out there. Very well said!

"Unclear"? (Maybe?)

I noticed that you used emotions in the sentence before. Maybe change this with something like "feelings"

Your vocabulary is so good... wish I had that in my brain somewhere...

First of all, AMAZING show (still have to watch the last movie on it though -- has it come out yet? I'm not sure). And second of all, this is a fantastic connection. It describes the theme of your playlist in a way that no words can explain (especially for those who have already watched it). This is so smart!

I love this. I think the message you are bringing is intriguing and one that can definitely be expressed through music!

I can tell you really do know your music! This is a great idea! It gives the readers something to come out with and maybe even remember your project with if they end up listening to one of the recommendations in the future. Have fun with this!

P.S. I think it is spelled "recommendations" :)

I like this idea. I'm gonna make the assumption that no one else is doing something like this. Also, from all of the time that you have spent on this project, I'm sure it would be nice to just let all of your thoughts on the entire process out :)

I plan on doing a conclusion too. I think it will help solidify everything just read and as you said "tie all my ideas together." After reading the rest of your writings though, I know you will blow this out of the water!

Great transition from what you thought Graham's article lacked into your overall view of the article! It effectively leaves the readers with one last overarching summary of what you just discussed

It is already brought up that you believe this, so omit this

Bringing your own opinion in this sentence is a better way, in my opinion, than the sentence before. So this is great!

I really like the fact that you are bringing yourself into this comparison article by using personal pronouns. I think that this is not the place to start that though because saying that "I thought something" does not give the same persuasion as saying "something is 'very convincing and relevant.'"

As this writing is a lot about contrasting Roots and Lamar's beliefs, this comparison sentence is essential. I think that this part could be a bit more concise as it uses some words that are not needed. It could instead be something like "..., not applying the simplified message in Roots."

This is starting to become a run on sentence. Maybe replace the ", but" with a period to split this into two sentences. Then the next sentence could be something like, "But instead, it enslaves them even more to the limits set by the elite."

I noticed that you used power a couple words before; therefore, the readers will understand what you are talking about if you replaced it with "it"

Omit (I believe since you are ending your own sentence even though I know that the sentence you cited probably has a that comma there)

Omit

I think you could omit this "so" because it does not really add anything; its placement, I believe, doesn't fit the formality of your writing so far

I noticed that in the next sentence you use the word "culture," and I think that placement of that word is better than this "cultural;" I think that you could even take this "cultural" out (if you don't want to replace it with another word)

I think you can omit this

I really like how you brought him up in the sentence before, but then explained who he was in the next paragraph. It encourages the audience to continue reading on!

These are two substantial, contrasting points that you make, so I believe that to give these more impact, make these into two smaller sentences; in other words replace the comma with a period

I noticed that you used "culture" in this sentence already. I wonder how it would help with redundancy to change this into "habits" or "lifestyle" or "society"

The words "being" and "by" don't sound right together. So maybe try something like "... message of past trauma's influence on black culture by symbolizing ..."

In this situation, I don't think "how" is the right transition words. Maybe try to replace the commas and "how" with "where" so that the sentence doesn't sound as choppy

I don't believe you need this comma here since the word after it is "by." Also, maybe place the citation at the end of the sentence so that it isn't "in the way" of the rest of your sentence; the audience will know that you are referring to the quote even if this is at the end

Also Italicize this and the rest of the times Roots is used (I believe). By the way, I won't comment on any of the other times the show or album is referenced for the rest of the writing

Italicize (I believe)

Italicize (I believe)

I noticed that you have a works cited page on each of your writings and that is very important. But I wonder if it would help to also have your entire bibliography page connected to the notes as an indirect connections (you can do this by editing the page and adding a tag)

Fantastic way to wrap up the writing. It explains so much of Kendrick's life and how he came to make "u" and "i." It's a full circle moment, and you nailed this whole thing right on the head! (Also, I appreciate the parenthesis explaining what you will do with the media; I think that would take this writing to an even higher level after its added!)

I like how you talk about Kendrick's relationship with his mom and then go right into the song that you are talking about. Once again, your transitions throughout this writing have been great and flow smoothly!

Another question for Nic, but does the period go inside the quotations even if it is a song title?

Put commas around these since it kinda sounds like this is just additional info was added. Definitely keep it in, maybe just put commas to help with the flow of the sentence

Maybe add a scalar note here too so that the readers can know what this is without going directly to the source you cited

I really like this concluding sentence too! It shows some of the inspiration Lamar found for writing his songs; it also, once again, helps tie into the next paragraph smoothly

Great way to pull the paragraph back to the central description of Lamar. It also flows greatly into the next paragraph you have about his young life!

I wonder how the sentence would flow if this is taken out. I feel like the "and ..." doesn't really mesh well with the important statement that you said before this. If you find a way to include this part while getting rid of the "and" statement, then that would also work well too! Maybe something like "...in 1988, further embedding violence into the culture." (However, this would presume that N.W.A was the reason the violence became worse in Compton although I don't believe that is the case).

I see what you are going for in this sentence and I actually like the word "that" because it allows you to have the other verb "created." I'm a little confused on what the high interest rates caused -- did they cause the "housing market crash, Reagan's destructive policies,..." or did they cause "a hot spot for crack, crime, and corruption."? I wanna say that the "housing mark crash,..." caused the "hot spot for...". If this is so, in order to split up the lists a little, maybe you could try using dashes to break them up; for example, "By the 80s, high interest rates - that led to a housing market crash, Reagan’s destructive policies, and an increased emphasis on the war on drugs - created a hot spot for crack, crime, and corruption."

I also think that a little context would be appropriate. Maybe not even a sentence, but just a couple descriptive words like "... , with figures such as famed civil rights activist Malcom X frequently visiting." (Also, I think you could just take out "especially")

I think highs works fine here, but I winder what you think about replacing this with the word "heights" instead

Capitalize

Love this final point you make. It really helps wrap everything together and gives a great basis for what you will talk about in the rest of your writings. For a little more flow, maybe try taking out "These two songs" and clarify the relationship between what the songs are inspiring -- as of now, it sounds likes the songs are inspiring an importance, but instead, they should be inspiring those people to realize the importance. For example, "They remain an inspiration for artists, equity movements, and individuals to realize the importance of healing oneself before attempting to repair damaged communities." (If you find another way to state this in a more concise way, that would work great as well!!) Overall though, this introduction is very well written and effectively informs the reader everything that you will discuss for the rest of the project!

I think you could omit this to help with concision. It also helps with redundant vocab in the next sentence

Lamar's attempt ?

The double use of "is" does not really make sense. I also do not think "however" is the best transition here. Maybe try rephrasing the sentence to something like "This playlist is necessary for understanding "u" as mental health because it is never fully expanded on between the individual songs." (Or something like that) :)

I think this is already presumed. So I wonder what you think about just taking this part out and helping the sentence's concision

I assume this is the album title that you made -- I like it! However, the placement in the sentence kind of interrupts the flow of the sentence. So maybe try placing parenthesis around this so that you can still add the minor detail while allowing a smooth sentence progression

Ayyyy I talk about this in my writings too! From your amazing introduction so far, I can definitely see how "u" and "i" have made an influence on this movement

I noticed that you have used "Lamar" in most of the sentences before this and "efforts" a couple words before. To help with this redundancy, maybe try replacing this with "Today, ..."

Since you did not capitalize this in the sentence before, I don't believe it should be capitalized here (unless you had something else in mind)

These are important to state as it gives even more context to to your main claim in "The Duality of Vulnerability Between 'u' and 'i.'" However, both sentences sound similar though the use of "how...". To help this, you could rephrase the first highlighted sentence into something like, "Here, I narrow down the focus from the entire album to the two tracks' impact on Lamar's community." Changing it also helps to state your claim with less words -- concision.

I like how this ties back to the final thought you made in the first paragraph; it is unique in its own way and it doesn't sound like you are copying and pasting the same sentence

Place a space between these

I notice that you use this word in the sentence before. I wonder how it would sound if you changed this with "discriminatory" or another word with a similar definition

I know that when you copied and pasted this over from something, all of the the italics went away. But since this is a TV show, I believe this should be italicized.

I think that hyperlinking this text to your piece in the scalar site would help connect everything (especially if someone wants to get more information on it right away). Maybe look to do this for each of the other times you cite one of your scalar pages

This is a question that I have to ask Nic myself but are playlists italicized? If so, italicize this and the other discussed in this paragraph.

This is a great concluding thought (and intro paragraph overall). I really like how you start the paragraph off with talking about the individual songs "u" and "i" but then this final thought connects the two into one big claim.

I’m not going to lie, Annie, I would have never known about this song before the Superman trend came out. But after I found out that you were analyzing this song for your project, I was genuinely super excited to read about it – and you did not disappoint! You have this great ability to use the right vocabulary to show what you are saying. I envy that because I find myself using the same words over and over until it takes me like 10 minutes (and maybe a call with my mom) to find the right one :) Along with this, some of the best claims you made came from your quotations. Each quote that you implemented effectively drove your point and gave context/evidence to your overall “So what?”.

As you edit this project, look to vary your sentence structure. Do not change entire sentence meanings and purposes (because they are great), but see if you could change redundant structures such as ending a sentence with a comma into “especially” or any other -ing words. Use these here and there, but try to change other ones. Some suggestions to do this are starting it off with that dependent clause (instead of at the end), breaking it up with different types of punctuation, or cutting the sentence short and making sort of one-liners (since these can give a lot of emphasis on additional thoughts).

The general structure of your project works very well as a linear path. Specifically, having “Listening to Starman” at the beginning is essential since 1) its topic sentence effectively starts your project’s writings and 2) it gives the readers an essential background of the song before delving deeper into the specific influences it has had on the public (talked about in “Bowie, Homosexuality, and Society”). Then your final two writings were just fun and playful yet very informative – and I love that!

In the end, I gained a lot of knowledge that I had never known about this song. To be more specific, the major influence that David Bowie and “Starman” have had on the LGBTQ+ community and all of the connections this song has had with others. Before peer-reviewing this, I had no clue about “Starman’s” similar musical style with “Over The Rainbow!” Now, each time this little song pops up on my Instagram reels, I will always remember David Bowie and his alien-like eyes :)

I also really like this ending paragraph. One stylistic change (if you want) is to use a colon to keep the sentence moving. For example, "...the belief of hope is critical -- even if this comes from a silly meme on social media.

I noticed that you used "shift" in the sentence after. I wonder how it would sound if you changed this "shifts" into "influences" or "impacts"

This is a great concluding thought! It helps wrap together and connect Bowie to this Superman trend

Are you able to embed this video right below this paragraph? It would help prove your point and give this writing a another appealing visual. Along with this vid, I wonder how it would look if you put in one of the Starman Superman videos in the beginning -- I think this would help grab the readers attention because it would allow them to actually see the trend you are talking about

Is it Superman who does this or is it the trend? I wonder if it you could make it a little clearer on what/who you are talking about here (If you are meant to be talking about Superman here, maybe talk about him in this sentence but then transition back into the overall effect that the trend has -- if you wanted to, you could look at switching this and the final sentence of the paragraph since the final one relates more to Superman rather than the trend).

Including this part of the "scared transgender " is an important relation to Bowie and this trend so I would suggest rephrasing it to be its own thought. You could do something like "...their own personal experiences: one being the life of a scared transgender in woman in America today."

Once again, is this supposed to be "humane" ? If this is not what you are trying to say then just ignore this and my previous comment

Is this supposed to be "humane" ?

This is a great introduction sentence that relates to the playful tone you were going with in the writing before! I noticed that this is written in passive voice, and I wonder how it would sound if you changed this into active voice. For example, "As one scrolls through any social media platform, they are bound to hear a funky alien-like instrumental akin to Morse code."

Even when the page first loaded, I was intrigued. The picture, the headings -- it all grabbed my attention.

Overall, this conclusion is amazing. I really like how you wrapped everything back up to one main focus -- Bowie's longevity. And looking back at all of those songs you have chosen, it is clear to see the influence that "Starman" had on each one of them. This was a very fun piece of writing to read and visually appealing with all of the music videos for the readers to listen to!

I think hyperlinking this quote (or the parts before it) could help give you credibility while also using a non-formal way of citing a quote

I think you could take this em dash out and the sentence flow would sound more coherent

I think this point is too important to keep in parethesis. I wonder how it would sounds if this was not tucked away inside of parenthesis and instead, changed into a sentence

I love the playfulness tone that you are going for here! This little play on words helps progress your story along with the connections between the songs!

Maybe something such as "Ordered chronologically, my playlist's story ... ". I felt that the "It is ordered chronically" felt a little misplaced and abrupt.

"Starman's" influence (I believe you can use an apostrophe within a song's title...sounds like a question for Nic :)

I wonder how it would sound if these two clauses were combined into something such as "Including the iconic songs of these two artists, the final song on this playlist is by Siouxsie and the Banshees."

Maybe change this part to "underwent" so that the word "likewise" does not interfere with the sentence coherence

Along with Bowie, I find this type of writing very influential (you see my play-on-words :) ). But anyways, I am a strong believer in using short choppy sentences that are wrapped around longer sentences to really emphasize the points - and in your case, the rest of your writing - that you are making. And this shows exactly what I mean!

This is so cool! I love how this ties into your introduction and overall, starts this writing off with a playful theme

I believe this part can be taken out. These sentences feel more like a reminder for you to look for other sources -- and the audience is looking for you to provide the sources. I think the sentence right before this would wrap up the writing well though since it gives the readers one last thought to look back upon. Overall, I found this piece very interesting! You definitely picked a great piece of literature to do a critical analysis on!

I think a period works better then a comma here

two words with -ing back-to-back sounds a little redundant. I wonder how it would sound if one of the words was changed such as "regretting" to "regretfully"

These are very important sentences to your piece. They are both structured perfectly and show a very compelling analysis of Brooker's chapter. (However, omit " I do not believe")

Omit

Maybe look to change this sentence to something like "While he indeed altered individuals' lives and social conventions, so does the average person." You could also look to space this out into two short sentences. These may help with the transition amongst the sentences prior and after

Great use of an em dash here. It allows the readers to focus heavily on the repercussions that Bowie had to face from the public after "retract[ing] and regrett[ing' his proclamation of being bisexual."

"experimental" ?

no comma

Possibly add the word "yet" to contrast between the children's views and the older generation's views

Maybe connect these sentences with a semicolon and then a contradicting transition word. For example, "...outside source; however, albeit rarely, it does feel like..."

Take out

Take this out

I'm not really sure who "he" is (until I read the rest of the sentence). Also, I think the purpose of this sentence is a little convoluted. So by restructuring the sentence into something like "In other instances, Brooker quotes others sources to introduce new topics about...". This could help transition into the final points of this paragraph.

This is a fantastic quote that proves your point. It directly shows the influence that Bowie had on the public -- which is the main point of this piece. You also follow up on it effectively with the next sentence.

This "to" can get confused with the "to" before it that shows the page list. For clarity, change this to "in order to."

Album covers are italicized (I am almost 100% sure... right Nic?)

This transition feels a bit abrupt. Maybe add a simple word like "Also" or any other one that you sounds fit and adds an essential pause to show another example of why people thought that Bowie and Ronson were gay.

I love this final sentence (especially the word stardom as it relates to your song title). I would suggest adding a little more detail after "comforting guitar" because it sounds like the guitar itself is comfortable. I assume what you are getting at is the guitar's sounds

I see the point you are trying to show and I think that replacing this with "conveys a mystical feeling" will help with the transition of the next sentence.

This is just personal choice: I tend to use colons and semicolons when attaching related sentences and an em dash when stating a fragment yet emphasized claim. So here, I wonder how it would flow if a colon was used instead of an em dash.

Since more is already describing harmonic, I think it would flow better if this "more" is taken out.

Omit this part and maybe look to switch the two clauses in this sentence. The sentence structure is starting to feel a little repetitive when it uses a statement and then "especially..."

If you were to change the sentence before this, then "strumming patterns" would sound to redundant... However, now I think it would be important to bring back up the 12 string as the subject: "In fact, the 12-string nearly follows the beat of the drums, without inserting too much variation." (I think that in that aspect is also not needed to prove your point).

Since you ended the last sentence by talking about the "12-string guitar," it sounds a little redundant to say this again. Therefore, you could try something like "Its continuous strumming pattern resonates..."

In order to start the next clause with a subject, try changing "more specifically" with "in" so that it becomes a prepositional phrase.

I noticed that this sentence is starting to sound like a run-on. In order to keep the same thought going without adding anymore commas, try using an em dash between "guitar" and "a." This also puts emphasis on Bowie's conscious decision to use this specific type of guitar.

Great use of a citation here. It brings a deeper and relatable context into the the visual language that you use to start of this writing; it also brings in other known artists which helps prove your argument of how "'Starman' remains a significant piece of music and culture."

I wonder how it would sound if this was taken out. "On the other hand" and "though" both show a transition of thoughts and having two of them sounds a little redundant. Another transition phrase such as "As the song progresses" would work here too (then you would just have to change around the rest of the sentence). I totally see the conversational tone you are going for though!

I just looked up a picture of David Bowie, and you are not wrong -- he's got some weirdly-shaped pupils :) But anyways, maybe look for a photo of this to put right after the first paragraph to help drive your beginning statements (it also would add a little more humor).

Even though there is a home page before this, by implementing the song title in the very first sentence, I find that it solidifies the main idea for the entire project. So this is great!

I'm not sure if this is totally necessary, but since you have cited different sentences in this introduction, attaching the bibliography page to this would be helpful for those nit-picky citation police

I don't think this is necessary to have. It gives a basis for the very next sentence. And for concision, taking this part out would flow better into the specific impacts that Bowie has had. If you were to keep this in though, I would suggest to change this into active voice to help clear up the subject (like using the subject "listeners").

This sentence works very well as a transition from the previous paragraph. The flow between the concluding thought of the paragraph before and the new idea in the next paragraph is smooth and effective for the writing's progression. Essentially, your use of commas makes these sentences seem conversational -- and that's the way I find writings work best :)

Since influence was used in your title name, I wonder how it would sound if you replaced it with "impact" or "sway."