Very nicely done! First of all, you are very descriptive in your writing and it really helped me invision the station and everything in it. Your story also progresses very well. It is a very progressive transformation from peace and tranquility to utter chaos. Lastly, great job on the characters. I enjoyed the way you wrote it and the two separate timelines as well as from different peoples perspectives. Continue to elaborate on this and keep it the same as much as you can.
56 Matching Annotations
- Apr 2020
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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134 Days to the Experiment
i like the fact the flashbacks and real life are getting closer together
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With no response,
the suspense is killing me
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P2 became Hanna, P3 became Akina, P4 became Darius, P5 became Beck, and P6 became Peter.
this is cool, almost signifying the impending change ahead
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, like we were hamsters running through plastic tubes.
nice metaphor
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REM sleep occuring
was waiting for rem to be mentioned. nice
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slightly younger with auburn hair
you do a great job of describing characters without using names
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bump.
This is such good description
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formality.
this is pretty cool, im gonna try to stop commenting on every little thing i think is cool lol
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again.
nice tech
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“It’s not about the usability, it’s about appreciating the classic technique.”
love how you included some humor into this
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“Then that would make today my least favorite day,
same tho
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life’s pace became too fast to stop and cook a meal.
right?
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journey.
good description again
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clear.
Very similar to experiments held now and the relationship between emperimentor and experimented. very nicely done
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minimal.
Cool back story
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surface.
good job describing the situation here, very transparent
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Upon
good description here
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Scientist 1
This is a cool way to write your story
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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Great first draft! Some spelling and grammar errors but that is expected. It also shows you just wrote what was on your mind which is important for a first draft! Anyways, as you head into your second draft, i would try to maintain much of the same plot, maybe eliminate some side pieces to the story and elaborate on some of the points i alluded to in the annotations. Overall, a job well done. I can see the parts of the story that were drawn from in class assignments which is cool. The tech used in the story is very cool considering it takes place only 5 years in the future. That also makes it very scary at the same time. But the tech is very good and rooted in science which makes it cool. The plot is also very good and intriguing. Just keep it up in your second draft and keep the base of your story the same!
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dream
ugh this one hurt
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So I sent the staffer saying to bring the President to congratulate Oliver and Lena and to bring enough secret service members to arrest them at the same time.
sneaky
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We want to rule Imperia
never suspected lena, good job
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dont
done
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I was not sure who was responsible for now but I was not going to tell anyone my theory until I was sure.
flipped the whole story upside down. love the suspense
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“It seems like the farmers did something to the food because they were angry,
sabotage? love it
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“I think we need to make a museum
nice, history plays a big part in city development, i would go deeper on this too
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That the little bit of
awkward sentence
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city.
I think you're missing some quotation marks, just wasn't sure how you were going about it.
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completed.”
i remember this from our story!
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wait Kayla you're a genius
Cool idea having the sister come up with an idea that can become reality
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calamity
i dont think this is the word you were looking for, this means distress
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These will be dried and come out as a powder so that it can be used to fertilize the crops grown in Imperia.
Again great tech
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Tesla
cool connection. maybe dive deeper
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walk
small detail, is he walking them or using a boat?
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They treat me like an equal and not just some kid helping out. I think we can tell them that we’ve made up our minds.”
GOOD, emotions playing into the story
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Oliver
everything couldn't be perfect forever i guess, this is a tough point bug good for the plot
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GM
maybe say what this means,. some people jsut might not understrand
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“We
oof the kids will not be happy to hear that one
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“Now
This is great! Elaorate on it!
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To keep schools running,
cool initiative
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“I
Cool tech here, maybe use this as a lead in to the tech the company is using?
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When
Good description of the building and process, really painted a good picture in my mind
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“Yes, I am
This whole exchange is good, i like it
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I don’t think anyone had thought about how the already aquatic wildlife would change in response to this vast change.
Yes! hope this plays a big part in the story too!
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consequences.
this is good, more information on dangers for the city could be useful
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cypress, mangrove and certain oak species to hold more weight and grow bigger.
Ah yes, treehouses
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parking garages
I like this, before i read further, i hope you elaborate on this
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“We need to start some kind of garden
Just out of curiosity, how are they going to start a garden?
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especially toilet paper.
nice.
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Two of my friends are my cousins, Peter and Kristen. The other two were my friends, Addison and Joana.
I get what your saying, just kinda confusing
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I went out in our kayak and met up with my friends.
ooooo daring. Elaborate on this.
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radio.
This beginning has me hooked! I would just try to ease into it more as i said earlier felt a little rushed. But the plot has a good base
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At that moment,
Flashbacks are cool, I would just try to have a smoother transition. I know it's hard i have to figure this out too
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you only found out once you put your foot in it.
Just feels a little awkward here. maybe "I only found out"
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bed.
Good intro, I would just try to expand on it a bit, I feel rushed into the action a little bit.
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