I removed a paragraph in which I talked about an Investment Club social and networking event because it didn't connect to my focus on the false narratives I pressure myself to fufill. In this paragraph, I added more concrete and specific details to illustrate another one of my false narratives, living in New York City. I wanted to include this false narrative so that the reader could understand how much I want to live in New York and work at a bulge bracket bank because it would be such a great professional experience. But I also wanted the reader to see the pressure I was placing on myself by comparing my professional situation to Annabel because she will be living out what I imagine for myself.

While I made progress in my revisions by adding specific details, I definitely could have expanded on what "my picture perfect life" is and how at surface level Annabel's living and working situation seems "picture perfect" to me because she is going to be living in New York and working for a great firm which is what I see for myself in my daydreams. In looking back at the revisions I made and taking into account more feedback, I still have more to unpack with that statement.

I revamped this paragraph by providing concrete and specific details to illustrate an example of one of my false narratives--receiving a perfect grade. Adding a specific example of a false narrative makes the reader better understand the concept and has a better understanding of the pressure I feel to excel. I also relate back to the introductory paragraph by showing how I was not mentally present in the moment because my head was focused on fantasy rather than reality. I wanted to connect back to my introduction to make the focus of my paper more clear.

To make this paragraph read more clearly, I could adjust the third sentence to "When I write papers for my writing class, I doze off and envision my professor handing me the paper back a few weeks later. A huge smile appears across my face when I read his feedback and see a small “A” enclosed in an oval on the final page of the essay."

In my first draft of this essay, I opened with a broad statement, "Not a day goes by that I don't think about my future." And then I wrote about feeling pressure about not knowing what I want to do for a career which does not set up my focus of this paper, that I'm learning about how to minimize the pressure I place on myself when I feel like a dream should instantly be a reality. To make the focus more clear, and make the focus easier to follow, I opened with an example of me daydreaming about my false narratives which better sets up my paper.

I drafted this new introduction to use more sensory, concrete, and specific details. I wanted to add those details so the reader can better visualize where I'm sitting and what I look like when I'm daydreaming.

This newly revised shorter piece originated from a one-pager assignment to spend 20 minutes at a meaningful place on campus and then write about a detail from the place and how it makes the place meaningful to you.

I wanted to work on this piece further because I love Coro Cafe and when I looked back at my one-pagers that I wrote this semester, this one had the potential to be awesome and what I initially turned in was not awesome. I wanted to rework this one-pager to have a more clear focus that I feel motivated and energized after sipping coffee and spending time with my friends at Coro Cafe.

In this draft, I conclude with circling back to the reading for my energy class that I originally worked on before my friends arrived. This paragraph shows why I come to Coro--not to study, but for a "pick me up" which consists of my friends and my coffee lifting my spirits and mood.

This draft is very different from my first draft. In rewriting almost everything, I held myself accountable to write keeping SCVA in mind. I also added more concrete, specific details and developed a main idea, or focus about how I feel motivated and energized after spending time in Coro thanks to my friends and caffeine. This increase in energy makes me feel like I can take on the world!

In this paragraph I also added more concrete details like the crazy group hug my friends and I regularly do in public and mention how twelve hours without seeing each other seems like a lot because we all spend so much time together. These details show, but don't tell, that the five of us are very close which I did not include in my first draft. The sensory detail of our laughs overtaking the cafe does a better job showing how loud we are, but how much fun we have enjoying each other's company because our faces and stomachs hurt from laughing.

I first revamped this paragraph by adding more specific details about the parts of my day before stopping by Coro Cafe. By mentioning my class, Powering America, and how it exhausts me, the reader can easily understand why I need caffeine and how interactions with my friends brighten my day. I also added more sensory and concrete details which help the reader understand my coffee order and how it's the perfect amount of caffeine and sweetness. Including the Life360 app also shows how close my friends and I are because ordinarily parents use the app to track their kids' locations.

wahoo