I added this entire paragraph in order to show how I had lost confidence in myself. Previously, I had only written about my home run and left out the part about my crucial error. Although I mentioned the doubts in my head, I didn't provide the full story behind it. Adding this section allows the reader to see exactly what is going through my mind down to the second. When you read it, it's almost like you are there with me. I did this by adding concrete and sensory details about the error. You are with me every step of the way. I chose to include my own negative thoughts so that my emotions are apparent. That way, when I finally do redeem myself, the victory seems that much more powerful. You can see the internal battle that I conquered.

This was the first-ever piece of writing that I turned in for this class. I decided to work on this further because I couldn't think of a better opportunity to show how far my writing has come. As I worked back through this piece, I found many examples of SCVA, run-on sentences, and unnecessary fluff. I found myself bracketing many words. It was very hard to read. I edited the beginning, making it concise and descriptive. Everyone is quick to mention how baseball is so easy because you stand around the whole time. This introduction provides a hard counter to that opinion, while also explaining what is constantly going through my mind as a player. Without this, my essay was lacking clarity, and it jumped into the action a little too quickly.

I felt like my conclusion needed a little more nuance. I didn't want to just tell a feel-good story that everyone's heard a thousand times before. Previously I had written that everything had gotten better and my attempts at fixing my anxiety fully worked. Obviously, that isn't the truth. It's never that easy. So, instead, I was brutally honest with myself and the reader by saying that I am constantly working on it, but it's hard. I won't always succeed. This adds a level of reality to my essay that makes it more relatable. I think that it is a much more powerful way to end because the struggle continues beyond the page. I used my knowledge of effective conclusions to leave the reader with a way that they can think about their own struggles. It's impossible to do it all in one day, but you can work at it over time.

This was a portion that I significantly changed. Previously, all I had written after the conversation was, "These words truly rocked my world." That was not specific enough and didn't provide the information about the internal struggle I was facing. By adding the rest, I was able to set in motion my path to fighting this battle. I re-read the rubric to see that I needed a pivotal moment in the story. This section right here became that moment. This is the first time where I explain the strategies that I begin to use in my head. This was necessary in order to create the arc of the story that I wanted. You can literally see the wheels turning in my brain, as I am working through how to deal with my inner voice.

I wrote this paragraph completely from scratch after my meeting. My first draft contained almost no anecdotes/stories that explained how my anxiety operated. I was using "big voice" throughout the whole essay, and that made it feel more distant and less personal. I decided to add this so that my girlfriend would be able to see exactly how my anxiety manifests itself in everyday life. Specifically, in this paragraph, I detail how even in the most relaxing moments, I am still unable to break free from the tight grip that is my anxiety. I decided to paint the beautiful picture in the first half so that when my anxiety takes over there is a stark contrast. I use a metaphor by comparing my thoughts to a tsunami, in order to help my girlfriend understand how I feel in these situations. She is very used to me constantly pacing, and this helps her make sense of why I do it.