Some overall comments. I think this collection of ideas is great. We have discussed a lot of these in the past few encounters but as an article, at the moment, it lacks cohesion. It comes across as aimless, too broad, it's quite ambitious but the result doesn't match the ambition.
I'd advise you to stick what you yourself just mentioned in the Signal group: "confused on how to tell the story... how to get across that a. collective digital ownership is a thing and b. that it matters."
I think if you can do that 1-2 punch in the first page, the rest of the space you can leave as spaces for illustration.
I think you do not need to explain the technology or go into the metaphor of the layers, the deeper you go into that cake of the layers the more trouble and confusion you get yourself into (like I could run an autonomous collective space at the hosting layer, but I could never write an OS from scratch... is my collective autonomous?)
To run a collective not all those layers need to be collective owned or collective produced. Talking about those layers adds confusion.
I do see why you do it though, it is tempting to try to cover that, but it's patronising and unproductive in this context I think.