8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Oct 2019
    1. The Pragmatic tend to think of the past as a body of tradition to be preserved and/or a reservoir of errors and miscalculations that we can learn from and apply to the Future. For the Poetic, the past is simply a source of nostalgia and regret. Susan Sontag, a confirmed subscriber to the Poetic view, once wrote: “Just wait until now becomes then, and you will see how happy we were. – Billy Collins – 2008  

      not sure why you are including these quotations in your Works Cited list--remove?

    2. dragging in

      do you really want to use this phrase?

    3. For a writer, they mainly make choices and judgments on the rhetorical situation. When they are engaged to use the resource, they grasp for ideas on their genre and showing the capability of getting in touch with the audience. As a clarification, the first thing you need is a genre or a form of writing, but also an audience to engage and a purpose that the essay achieves.

      I wonder if you might be clearer here (I found the phrasing confusing). I like the idea of writers making choices. Why not state, "Writers make choices as to genre, audience, and purpose? " Keep it simple like this?

  2. Apr 2019
  3. erebus2k.wixsite.com erebus2k.wixsite.com
    1. German Response

      would this apply both in the East and the West, or are their differences?

    2. the partisans influence

      partisans' influence

    3. was swift and brutal, reprisals were common and any success was met with the killing of one's relatives inside ghettos or camps if their name was known.

      edit for punctuation

    4. he acquisition of weapons was another struggle that Jews faced who wanted to be partisans

      cite source

    5. This lead

      typo

    6. he few units who would work with the Jews were Soviet partisan units and some Greek units these units would although somewhat begrudgingly in some instances accept Jewish men who could fight or allow Jewish women who they would exploit generally to join. This led to the creation of full Jewish Partisan units most notably the Bielski Brothers in Poland who would lead a group that numbered over 1,200 strong at its height

      please cite source(s)

    7. here face

      edit for tense

    8. none Jewish brothers

      typo

    9. were likely far less as being in integrated units that were friendly with the populace reduced the need for other more forceful means of food procurement

      interesting--you may need to say more about the relationship between the partisans and the local population

    10. On 2nd August 1941 two armed Jews committed the first overt act in Paris one of them Samuel Tyszelman was executed shortly after on the 13th.

      please cite source(s) when borrowing--in the sentence in which the borrowing occurs

    11. In The West

      This "split screen" lay out seems to work

    12. (Below) - Map of German Army group advance Operation Barbarossa 1941 

      map not easy to read

    13. many Jewish residents in these areas a large number

      rephrase for clarity?

    14. the French army ill prepared for a battle of maneuver

      edit: insert commas

    15. substantial numbering

      insert comma

    16. Among Jewish men and women would rise up to defend

      edit: I don't see a subject for "would rise up"

    17. atrocities would occur the worst

      insert comma

    18. How successful were these armed units? Did they make a meaningful impact in the war? How were they treated during and after the war by fellow partisan units and new national governments? How did they live and subsist in the wilderness? 

      These are very helpful questions!

    19. here was no mentions

      there was no mention or there were no mentions

    1. What was your approach and/or what evidence have you gathered?

      don't see an annotated bibliography yet

    2.   Below is a lithrograof prisoners in the Camps. ( United States Holocaust Memorial Museum 2017)

      not sure how this relates to your topic

    3. "Horrified, I recognized Jo, my loving friend, who was only eighteen years old. I hadn't previously spotted him in the camp. Had he arrived before or after me?

      As powerful as this is, do you want to copy this in length? I'd like to see more commentary from you.

    4. PARAGRAPH 175

      Given how important this doc us, shouldn't this be placed more prominently?

    5. In this camp blue also meant homosexuals." 

      cite source?

    6. but ultimately it became impossible. The machinery of violence accelerated. Outraged by our resistance, the SS began pulling out the fingernails of some of the prisoners. In their fury they broke the rulers we were kneeling on and used them to rape us. Our bowels were punctured. Blood spurted everywhere. My ears still ring with the shrieks of our pain." ( Siele 1995)

      powerful account

    7. we manages

      quote accurately, okay?

    8. (2011 United States Holocaust Memorial Museum)

      I appreciate the in-text citation but try to place it at the precise point of borrowing (in each sentence) and in proper APA format

    9. Prior to Nazi occupation

      please be consistent in boldening headings, okay?

    10. Prior to Nazi occupation there was a thriving gay community with over 2.7 million gay men living openly in Germany . They were officially targeted via Paragraph 175. .

      good, informative text box but it seems thin to me

    11. Paragraph 175 was instated in 1933 to ensure homosexuality would be illegal. Homosexuals  were initially imprisoned via the penalities outlined in Paragraph 175 of the German criminal code. When sentences were up they would be sent to Concentration camps. During the Nazi Regime 75000 men were imprisoned and over 15,000 were executed. 

      please cite sources

    12. Non Aryan homosexual men escaped inital persecution as long as they did right and refused to "corrupt" good Aryan men with there "Homosexual" wiles .

      cite source and explain?

    13. there back

      their please edit for mechanics: spelling, capitaliztion, punctuation

    14. Backround

      Background

    15. and educate on.

      rephrase: "and educate people on"?

    16. and that even today there are 73 countries round the world where Homosexual activity between two consenting adults remains illegal.

      important to know: please cite source

    17. The experience of the Shoah for Homosexuals

      an interesting and important topic Remember to edit for mechanics: capitalization should be consistent, right?

    1. Sports expanded to acquire idealistic as well as normative functions with respect to education and training, health practices, political socialization and commercial marketing

      These words are taken from a source but not quoted. As a result I note plagiarism. Here's the source: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/13511610.1992.9968321?journalCode=ciej20 I've stopped reading as a result. Please see me asap so that I can help.

    2. To start in the article called the ‘True Value’ of Sports is its ‘Commodity Value’ to summarize it up it talks about a process to which I will thereafter refer to as the socialization of sports values from other social subsystems and, pedagogical, medical, political and economic values were normatively transferred to sports.

      I think you have more than one sentence here: I'm not able to follow your meaning as a result

    3. Where will economy be.

      Where would the economy be?

    4. How does sports affect us economical, culturally, social justice, brings new ideas to the table?

      Please edit: I think you have two sentences here. Remember to keep the parallel phrasing; economical, cultural

    5. Have you

      why the use of "you"? seems abrupt and informal to me

    6. 1.www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=0&sid=907a2142-a542-464d-842e-7c5276e35dfa%40sessionmgr4007&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=117067707&db=aph 2.www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=0&sid=b8ec47a5-98a3-47ee-b996-68e118e77374%40sdc-v-sessmgr03&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=9707150219&db=

      These are not in MLA format and are incomplete. I also note that you are missing several sources, including two popular sources and a personal interview. I'd be glad to help.

    7. The last one standing is the champion. Life without sports wouldn’t feel right.

      I don't see a post write

    1. bout 2,000 gallons of water to produce a single pair of jeans (UN Environment).

      another compelling stat

    2. 2,700 liters of water to make a single t-shirt out of cotton, which is also the amount a person drinks in two and a half years (Chyan).

      compelling stat

    3. This process releases “volatile organic compounds, particulate matter, and acid gases such as hydrogen chloride, all of which can cause or aggravate respiratory disease” (Claudio).

      another skillful integration of source material

    4. The production of trendy clothes is just as harmful.

      I like the transition

    5. Textiles may also be recycled into raw material to use to manufacture other goods. About 30% of textiles are turned into wiping rags. Another 25% are repurposed as stuffing for upholstery, insulation, and paper products (Claudio).

      this paragraph seems thin to me

    6. middle-income countries (LMICs). T

      I appreciate your writing out the abbreviation before using it

    7. (Claudio 2007

      APA rather than MLA

    8. It offers “limited functional life design and options for repair, design aesthetics that eventually lead to reduced satisfaction, design for transient fashion, and design for functional enhancement that requires adding new product features” (Joy et al)

      This seems a complex quotation. Can you elaborate and reflect on it in your own words?

    9. es an article of clothing is worn has declined by “36 percent in 15 years” (Joy et al)

      effective stat

    10. Joy et al)

      in MLA we usually cite all the authors if three or fewer, I believe

    11. (Claudio).

      I appreciate the in-text citation and the useful historical context but could you insert citation in the sentence in which you borrow rather than at the end of a paragraph?

    12. As global temperatures rise and arctic glaciers fall, concerns for the environment have intensified, leaving us humans to question our role in these drastic, catastrophic changes. Some minor improvements have taken place- grocery stores like Aldi are starting to switch over to paper bags or charge customers for reusable totes, restaurants and food chains are making the transition from plastic straws to paper, some people are even swapping out their plastic toothbrush for a biodegradable bamboo one- but it’s time to reconsider what we put on our bodies every morning before rushing to class. Now is the time to ask yourself “How does what I wear affect the environment?”

      a very effective opening paragraph: engaging and leading nicely to your research question

    13. our Outfit is Terrible! (For the Environment)

      clever and funny title

    14. Works Cited

      personal interview?

    15. “Putting the Brakes on Fast Fashion.” UN Environment, www.unenvironment.org/news-and-stories/story/putting-brakes-fast-fashion.

      author? date of publication? date of access?

    16. Bick, Rachel, et al. “The Global Environmental Injustice of Fast Fashion.” Environmental Health: A Global Access Science Source, vol. 17, no. 1, Dec. 2018, p. N.PAG. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1186/s12940-018-0433-7. Chyan, Amy. “’Fast Fashion’: Environmental Impacts and What You Can Do as a Consumer.” Global News, 20 Dec. 2018, globalnews.ca/news/4774400/fast-fashion-environmental-impacts-tips-consumers/.   Claudio, Luz. “Waste Couture: Environmental Impact of the Clothing Industry.” Environmental Health Perspectives, vol. 115, no. 9, Sept. 2007, pp. A448–A454. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1289/ehp.115-a449.

      good form and glad to see peer reviewed sources include dates of access?

    17. it’s time for a change.

      I don't see a postwrite

    1. Professor Gary Sheffield

      not in works cited list

    2. Roughly 200,000 German troops were killed or wounded. The Allies also captured 200,000 prisoners of war.

      cite source

    3. “The German forces not only had the cover but they also had the high ground which is a pivotal chess move in any battle to increase your chances of victory.

      please use signal phrase to introduce quotations

    4. The war will be won or lost on the beaches. The first 24 hours of the invasion will be decisive.”(Davis)

      I think you should begin your paragraph with a topic sentence rather than a quotation so that you remain in control of this paragraph's focus

    5. “By the time the first seaborne units touched down in the shallow waters and upon the yellow sand at Utah’s edge, American soldiers of the 82nd and 101st Airborne Divisions had been fighting for hours upon the soil of France. The paratroopers had quickly dominated the countryside for as far as seven miles inland from the beach, drawing upon themselves defensive fire which would have otherwise been concentrated upon the seaborne landings.”

      not sure exactly why you quote at length here--why not paraphrase or select a portion of quotation?

    6. float the tanks safely to shore, unfortunately

      edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere

    7. o the shore via “bloomers” which

      insert comma

    8. that more than 3/4 of the paratroopers would have been killed. Thirty-six square miles of French land was liberated by the paratroopers at the cost of only less than 200 allied lives.

      cite source

    9. The more than 20,000 airborne troops parachuted, after the “O.K We’ll go”, into France to capture the bridges and roads to cut off German troops from advancin

      cite source

    10. “You are not all going to die. Only two percent of you here today will die in a major battle. Death must not be feared. Every man is frightened at first in battle. If he says he isn’t, he’s a goddamn liar. Some men are cowards, yes! But they fight just the same, or get the hell shamed out of them watching men who do fight whoa are just as scared. The real hero is the man who fights even though he is scared. Some men get over their fright in a minute under fire, some take an hour. For some it takes days. But the real man never lets the fear of death overpower his honor, his sense of duty to this country and his innate manhood.” He also said, “There is one great thing you men will all be able to say when you go home. You may thank God for it. Thank God, that at least, thirty years from now, when you are sitting around the fireside with your grandson on your knees, and he asks you what you did in the Great War, you won’t have to cough and say, and ‘I shoveled shit in Louisiana.’ No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, ‘Son, your Granddaddy rode with the Great Third Army and a Son-of-a-Goddamned-Bitch named George Patton!”(

      please set aside these long quotations given the length I think you ought to comment on these quotations, no? Otherwise they dominate the paragraph and perhaps your paper.

    11. by General George Patton who delivered

      edit fo comma use here and elsewhere?

    12. A fake radio network was setup to simulate that the American Army was preparing to invade, and the pattern of air bombardments was arranged to show that the invasion would happen at Pas de Calais in France

      cite source

    13. also 822 aircrafts carrying parachuters to the Normandy landing zones. All together a total of over 13,000 aircrafts would aid in becoming victorious on D-Day.

      cite sources

    14. (Britannica). S

      okay: glad you've cited your source: I would cite author's last name if you have it or the partial title of the entry

    15. May in 1944 was chosen to be the go date. Unfortunately, due to assembly issues with landing amphibious crafts, and logistical issues as much of the material was being used in the Mediterranean theatre of war and Churchill was reluctant to give it up, the date had to be pushed back a month to June.

      should you cite your s source or did you already know this information?

    16. A joint operation planned by both the Americans and British.

      edit for fragment?

    17. Seemingly Impossible, The

      edit for capitalization and perhaps grammar:/diction Improbably, the United States. . . .

    18. Major Assignment #2

      perhaps you can supply a title that captures something of your research question?

    19. Keegan, John. “Normandy Invasion.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., 27 Feb. 2019, www.britannica.com/event/Normandy-Invasion#ref236177. Murray, Kelley. “The Longest Day.” Gustave Courbet, 2008, www.mtholyoke.edu/~kmmurray/The%20Longest%20Day/Landing%20in%20Normandy.html.

      Pretty good form but can you include dates of access?

    20. Edwards, Sam. “D-Day Documents.” War in History, vol. 23, no. 1, Jan. 2016, pp. 140–142. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1177/0968344515603919h. Eldridge, Golda. “Advocating Overlord: The D-Day Strategy and the Atomic Bomb.” Air Power History, vol. 65, no. 3, Fall 2018, pp. 54–55. EBSCOhost, bristolcc.edu:2048/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=132016057&site=ehost-live. Haulman, Daniel L. “Before the D-Day Dawn: Reassessing the Troop Carriers at Normandy.” Air Power History, vol. 51, no. 2, Summer 2004, pp. 20–29. EBSCOhost, bristolcc.edu:2048/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=13377331&site=ehost-live.

      Glad to see these peer reviewed sources. Can you provide the name of the database rather than the URL? and include the date of access?

    21. he choices I made were to think about what information to include and what to exclude. Th

      can you give an example?

    1. While this is a research and informative essay, it is here to educate my audience on my findings and not to persuade.

      I appreciate this

    2. Islam has a another unique way of salvation which is killing or being killed in Jihad.

      take care here: as you note earlier different sects have different paths toward salvation. Try not to over generalize, okay?

    3. heir salvation is based on their collective relationship with God. “Judaism is associated with an extremely high, pure notion of the divine transcendence.”(O’connor). They believe in the national salvation of Israel collectively as a nation

      I think you will need to spend more time explaining the complex concepts contained on this section: please elaborate

    4. forever, so therefore

      no need for both "so" and "therefore"

    5. According to my trusted media source Rabbi Jerusalem is  disregarding Jesus as the messiah because

      please edit for clarity: this sentence sees to need a subject

    6. u can earn your way to heaven if you know how to do good and subjugate your evil side.

      cite source pease

    7. Jews and people who practice Judaism

      not sure why you need both here or how they differ

    8. Judaism holy book

      Judaism's holy book, The Torah,

    9. There has been a lot of debates and argument about salvation works in Judaism

      rephrase: In contrast with Christianity, Judaism contains debate about the nature of salvation?

    10. There is

      I might suggest starting a paragraph topic sentence with a true subject and verb rather than "There is"

    11. he author of is

      typo?

    12. Salvation does not come by simply being born into a Christian family, nor from being part of a Christian environment. Not even being a formal member of a Christian church, nor having received a sacrament of Christian initiation earn salvation. It is not by merit, it is not by works, it is not by tradition, it is not by sacraments, it is by grace alone through conversion to Jesus Christ” (De Chirico 297) 

      long quotations are usually set off with is own left margin or hanging indent

    13. Pastor Nelson

      Thanks but last name sufficient in text

    14. Nelson

      incomplete name

    15. salvation is a gift from God, therefore

      edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere: replace comma with period

    16. bible

      Bible

    17. you have

      why the shift to "you"?

    18. and how they view salvation

      I will specifically look at how these three religions view salvation.

    19. three world religions which

      edit: religions: Christianit, Judaism, and Islam

    20. I will analyzing

      edit: I will analyze or be analyzing

    21. therefore Salva

      lower case "s"?

    22. Work cited 

      Work Cited Please alphabetize

    23. O’connor, Micheal Patrick. “The universality of salvation.” The universality of salvation. 2011. 2019 <http://web.b.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail/detail?vid=15&sid=fc45dcd4-f067 4838-b257-682d7276ac31%40sessionmgr120&bdata=JnNpdGU9Z>  De chirico, Leonardo. “Salvation belongs to the Lord.” Salvation belongs to the Lord. 2015. 2019 <http://www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=9&sid=0367cd4a-d9e4-4abd-95af-1703657746b5%40sdchvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=110616276&db=aph>.  Schirrmacher, Christine. “They are not all Martyrs Islam on the Topics of Dying, Death, and Salvation in the Afterlife.” 2012. 2019 <http://www.bristolcc.edu:2068/ehost/detail/detail?vid=11&sid=e2fvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=78328491&db=aph>. 

      I believe these are peer review sources, yes? Please include name of the journal and name of the database (no need for URL if using database), and date of access

    24. Festus, Otele. “Personal Interview” interview by Oluwaseyi Henry Orioye  21st March 2019. 

      no need to include your name here

    1. a lootbox style

      explain for your reader's sake?

    2. Game Wisdom describes the system “like gambling, (presenting) the allure of “hitting it big” with one lucky pull.”

      cite author?

    3. Many people, particularly young children, can suffer from an addiction to video games

      not sure I understand the logic here: how does this follow from the sentence before?

    4. However

      I appreciate this transitional word but I wonder if it's reader-friendly to begin a paragraph with this word without further explanation?

    5. or example, a study at the University of Oxford involved over 2000 test subjects, all of them in their teenage years, with carers and parents to serve as judges of their behavior. Professor Andrew Przybylski, who was a part of the team that did the study, clarified that “The idea that violent video games drive real-world aggression is a popular one, but it hasn’t tested very well over time. Despite interest in the topic by parents and policy-makers, the research has not demonstrated that there is a cause for concern.”

      I don't see this author's name in your list of works cited. Also see if you can integrate a quotation of more than one sentence more smoothly into your own writing: for punctuation logic you may have to break up the quotation?

    6. Contrary to popular belief among parents and authority figures, various studies show that there isn’t an actual connection to violent video games and actual violence and aggression among youths.

      This is such an important point: I wonder why you bury it in the middle of this paragraph.

    7. The first-person shooter genre, like “Call of Duty”, “Battlefield”, “Doom”, and “Halo”

      I sense the need for a transition here, don't you?

    8. Brain scientists have discovered that swerving around cars while simultaneously picking out road signs in a video game can improve the short-term memory and long-term focus of older adults. Some people as old as 80, the researchers say, begin to show neurological patterns of people in their 20s.”

      okay--good data--but remember to cite author's last name You also might comment further on this long quotation: I'd like to see more of your own thinking in response.

    9. attentional and sensorimotor fucntions.

      are these your words? if not, please use quotation marks and cite source. I will give you the benefit of the doubt for now but if I sense that you are using others' words as your own I will note that and stop reading

    10. A study conducted in 2013 shows that some video games, such as action-oriented ones, require coordination between attention and sensorimotor functions in order to keep up with the action. An article about it states that “The study involved 27 expert and 30 amateur gamers who had their insular cortex scanned by MRI. They found that the experts had an increase of grey matter and increased functional connectivity between the attentional and sensorimotor networks

      good, useful data but remember to cite your author's last name, okay?

    11. your

      why the shift to "your"?

    12. Video games are a major part of human culture. From the primitive back and forth paddle-and-ball of Pong to the gigantic crossover fighting of Super Smash Bros., the video game industry has made leaps and bounds in growth and development. But what effects do they have on their players? Does playing them have any beneficial effects, or are they simply tools to use as distractions from our daily lives? I seek to answer that question, and I have discovered both the good and bad that comes from playing video games.

      I like this opening paragraph very much: it has an engaging lead and you get to your question in fairly quick fashion

    13. Barder, Ollie. “New Study Shows That There Is No Link Between Violent Video Games And Aggression In Teenagers.” Forbes, Forbes Magazine, 16 Feb. 2019, www.forbes.com/sites/olliebarder/2019/02/15/new-study-shows-that-there-is-no-link-between-violent-video-games-and-aggression-in-teenagers/#54e8149d328e. Bycer, Josh. “A Look at the Addictive Nature of Gacha Design.” Game Wisdom, 27 Sept. 2017, game-wisdom.com/critical/look-addictive-nature-gacha-design. Feeley, Jef, and Christopher Palmeri. “’Fortnite’ Addiction Prompts Parents to Turn to Video Game Rehab – The Boston Globe.” BostonGlobe.com, The Boston Globe, 27 Nov. 2018, www.bostonglobe.com/business/2018/11/27/fortnite-addiction-prompts-parents-turn-video-game-rehab/g4GnBwJANVXtGqlxiZPzMN/story.html. Richtel, Matt. “A Multitasking Video Game Makes Old Brains Act Younger.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 4 Sept. 2013, www.nytimes.com/2013/09/05/technology/a-multitasking-video-game-makes-old-brains-act-younger.html.

      These seem useful sources, although I don't see three peer reviewed sources obtained via database, nor do I see an interview

    14. Works Cited

      please include a post write

    1. Sarah was a

      edit for typo?

    2. Alter, Adam)

      last name is sufficient

    3. Body imaging is one of the most negative impacts about social media for adolescents.

      I really like the clear topic sentence here and elsewhere and the fact that your paragraphs are sharply focused: nice

    4. According to a global survey, the prevalence of cyber bullying is encountered at 20% to 40%

      Can you clarify? I'm not sure I understand the percentages and cite author's last name

    5. fter the study, it was show that the use of electronic media in bed explained approximately 4% to 11% of insomnia

      good use of data cite author's last name

    6. Behavioral Sleep Medicine).

      use author's last name

    7. ial media or any electronic before bed creates a risk for insomnia, daytime sleepiness, or chronotype

      cite author's name

    8. the Principal

      edit for mechanics: lower case "p"

    9. 2013 case study found out that 20% of a private high school students have sent sexual explicit images of themselves via cell phone (The Clearing House

      good use of data and in-text (can you give author's last name)?

    10. f technology and hormonal teens, a

      note mechanical issue: replace comma with period Try to edit for this (comma splice) elsewhere?

    11. is sexting, sexting

      replace comma with period?

    12. Based on several studies by professionals, they

      Professionals have discovered that. . . .

    13. developed depression or suicidal tendencies because of loneliness.

      cite source?

    14. snap chat, twitter

      capitalize names of social media companies?

    15. Major Assignment #2

      would you like to provide your own title: in other words, a title that captures your research subject?

    16. n/a, n/a. “How Is Body Image Affected by Social Media and Going Online?” Common Sense Media: Ratings, Reviews, and Advice, Common Sense Media, 0AD, www.commonsensemedia.org/media-and-body-image/how-is-body-image-affected-by-social-media-and-going-online.

      no need for n/a but do include date of publication and date of access

    17. Laurianno, Sarah,  personal interview

      please include date of interview

    18. Charoenwanit, Supawadee. “The Relationship of Cyber-Bullying and Academic Achievement, General Health, and Depression in Adolescents in Thailand.” Walailak Journal, vol. 16, no. 4, 19 Mar. 2018, pp. 231–241. Denza, Diane. “What Does the Research Tell Us About Social Media and Body Image?” National Eating Disorders Association, Diane Denza, 21 Feb. 2018, www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/what-does-the-research-show-social-media-body-image.  Fossum, Ingrid Nesdal, et al. “The Association Between Use of Electronic Media in Bed Before Going to Sleep and Insomnia Symptoms, Daytime Sleepiness, Morningness, and Chronotype.” Behavioral Sleep Medicine, vol. 12, no. 5, 1 Oct. 2014, pp. 343–357.

      I am very pleased to see these peer reviewed journals. Could you also name the database used? and date of access?

    1. The audience is whoever the author is writing for.

      okay: good, clear opening. Don't you need to use each of these terms in analyzing all three of the readings?

    2. The audience that Anzaldua is trying to reach is people like her, people who have been told that their opinion doesn’t matter or that they can’t speak their native tongue.

      okay: can you say more about who those people are? You also might want to move this earlier, no?

    3. Livingston starts off his speech with poetry.

      yes: why does he choose this genre? Stay focused on this, okay?

    4. A writer’s story not only gives information but their perspective and the main components of the story. All writers get creative and make their story the way they want to make it. Genre is never something a writer gives to you right off that bat. Genre is chosen by how a writer is speaking and who the writer chooses to include in the story. The audience is whoever the author is trying to reach. The purpose is the reasoning behind the story and why and how it was written. The genre, audience, and purpose are all important in their own way and show how the story or piece of writing came to be.

      not sure what this paragraph is adding to what was just said

    5. urpose is to explain what the story is telling and the reasoning behind the writer creating the piece of work.

      the first two definitions seem precise but the third may need some work: remember that "purpose" refers to what the writing is doing Do you want to introduce the three readings here, in this intro?

    6. Aggad-Clerx, Fatten. “Every 60 Seconds in Africa…” PechaKucha 20×20, 29 Feb. 2016, www.pechakucha.com/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot.

      pretty good MLA form Include date of access Alphabetize all entries by author's last name?

    7. HarvardEducation. “Donovan Livingston’s Harvard Graduate School of Education Student Speech.” YouTube, YouTube, 25 May 2016, www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XGUpKITeJM.

      begin with Livingstone's name?

    8. This is the first assignment of it’s kind that I have done. This assignment does not remind me of any previous work I have done. What was new about this assignment was that I had to find the genre, audience, and purpose and show how all those components are found throughout a story.  I found the genre, audience, and purpose for all three readings and gathered important information. The choices that I made for drafting and revising were following the guidelines and gathering important information from many sources. Was my writing easy to follow.

      This, I assume, is your post write? Please name it as such.

    9. The Big Idea

      an intriguing title

    1. I personally have seen some of the theories listed while working with children for two years in my high school as well as when i interned at a daycare over the summer a couple years back.

      it would be useful to show how these theories are translated into practice, no?

    2. Talk the speaker says “By

      insert comma beforeq quotation

    3. Besides the simple facts of theories being the influence on early childhood development i found a TED Talk that talks about some things that make early childhood and child development important.

      I appreciate the transition. Perhaps you can tweak it a bit?

    4. nother type of play is called “Mature play” this type of play comes with many different components, mature play also characteristically produces high-quality play scenarios for example the themes of the scenarios can be family, transportation or even a vacation.

      cite source

    5. At every step the child is faced with a conflict between the rule of the game and what he would do if he could suddenly act spontaneously. In the game he acts counter to what he wants … [achieving] the maximum display of willpower.”

      cite source?

    6. of “play” for example “Real play” and “Make-believe play”, a good quote i got about play from this article is “in play Vygotsky observed,

      edit for punctuation?

    7. you had

      why the shift to "you"?

    8. districts in Rome, it was

      edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere

    9. his article states

      please cite source by author's last name

    10. Maria

      use last name only?

    11. “It’s fun working with these types of patients they are generally

      edit for punctuation: fused sentence

    12. something called “Mental retardation” also known as MR. Mental retardation is an intellectual disability which is generalized as a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by significantly impaired intellectual and adaptive functioning

      please cite source

    13. her Pedagogical

      lower case?

    14. One of the first theorist is Jean Piaget, Piaget is labeled as a developmental theorist who observed children’s forms of thinking and formed his developmental theory by the end of his life.

      would you be interested in breaking this long paragraph up and using topic sentences to guide your reader through the paragraphs?

    15. experimentation” this basically

      edit for punctuation: "fused sentence"

    16. The article states

      please cite author's last name?

    17. forts, he is c

      edit for punctuation: replace comma with period

    18. a psychologist for children,

      replace comma with period?

    19. Piaget is known for being a child psychologist and his “stage theories” for example, sensory-motor, pre-operational, concrete-operational, and formal-operational stages.

      please cite your source

    20. “How do theories of child development influence early education?”

      I think what you are asking is this, "How do theories of child development influence the teaching or parenting of young children?" Is that what you are asking? Is your intended audience, parents of young children? That would help focus your question, right?

    21. essay i

      capitalize "I"

    22. References:

      retitle: Works Cited include interview?

    23. References: Bodrova, Elena; Germeroth, Carrie. American Journal of Play. “Play and Self-Regulation Lessons from Vygotsky”. Vol. 6 Issue 1. Fall 2013. P111-123. http://www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=43&sid=d66c7b78-fc4a-48ba-ac35-9566616e12f6%40sessionmgr4006&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=93914007&db=aph

      good to see you use a peer reviewed source from a database: please name the database rather than give the URL And give date of access

    24. Buzz Feed. 10 Mind-Blowing Benefits Of Playtime That Every Parent Should Know About Playtime: It’s more than just a chance for you to catch up on your emails!.  Feb 6, 2018. https://www.buzzfeed.com/mattelhotwheels/playtime-is-fundamental

      author? date of access?

    1. Rehabilitation can help drug addicts stop using drugs that cause physical addiction, but not ones that you are mentally addicted to.

      I think you may have to explain this idea further.

    2. who is staying anonymous

      use pseudonym?

    3. They also found that 87.8% of patients had close friends who were also addicted to drugs.

      cite source

    4. It involves the change of process that can be embedded in social identity change that can increase the access to community capitalization.

      I don't understand--please rephrase

    5. that you

      why the shift to "you"?

    6. It is very important that social identity can be recovered it is the change from a membership that will support and or will tolerate your inappropriate behavior

      edit for punctuation: insert period

    7. This connection is important because if certain personality disorders affect the learning behavior of patients, the rehabilitation programs can be catered specifically for each patient.

      I see--this is an important point. You may want to bring it in sooner

    8. Studies show that 79% of drug addicts are male and 21% of drug addicts are females, they also show that their ages on average range from twenty-one to thirty-five years old.

      cite source

    9. When taking drugs patients can take on various personalities which can interfere with the way they adjust to regular everyday life

      focus? not sure how this fits with your question

    10. t addicting he states

      insert period between sentences

    11. them self

      themselves

    12. abor Mate is a medical physician in Vancouver

      use a topic sentence that will help guide your reader in the paragraph?

    13. he environment influences people’s choice to use drugs, then the society they are a part of impacts their decision to keep using it.

      is this your topic sentence? not sure if the paragragrph stays focused on this idea

    14. rugs, then

      edit for comma use: replace with period

    15. ack to a drug, instead

      edit for puncutation: replace comma with period?

    16. Johann

      use last name?

    17. Johann Hari,

      thanks for citing--note difference in spelling from your Works Cited listing.

    18. Roughly twenty-one million Americans struggle with substance addiction, coming from USA today.com. Every 1 in 7 humans are unfortunately dealing with drug abuse, and 1 out of every 10 people addicted to drugs have had some type of treatment.

      good, useful data. Can you cite the author's last name?

    19. Mansoori, Naveed and Mubeen, Syed Muhammad. Factors Associated with Substance Abuse Among Male Illicit Drug Users in Rehabilitation Centres of Pakistan. Annals of King Edward Medical University, 2018.   Best, David and Irving, Jamie. Recovery and desistance: what the emerging recovery movement in the alcohol and drug area can learn from models of desistance from offending. Addiction Research & Theory, 2017. Kolesnikova, Jelena and Miezitis, Solveiga. Relationship of drug-addicted patients’ personality disorders to social problem-solving changes during the rehabilitation process. Nordic Journal of Psychiatry, 2013. Harri, Johann. Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong. July 9, 2015. March 6, 2019. Mate, Gabor. The Power of  Addiction and The Addiction of Power. October 9, 2012. March 9, 2019

      not yet in MLA shape You will need to make clear which sources you got directly from the web and which sources you got via databases Please alphabetize sources by author's last name

    20. but not ones that you are mentally addicted to.

      no post write?

    1. I say this because though my research.

      fragment

    2. A wait that is just too long and it’s time for a change, a change well needed.

      fragment

    3. called the “First Step Act 358-36″, stating that non-violent inmates will be getting shorter sentences on drug crimes they have been convicted for

      can you cite this source?

    4. Having inmates set up with information for the inmate to succeed on the outside with-in society.

      fragment

    5. Giving every inmate that is getting released a discharge plan as well as having inmates have a positive plan with places of help for them.

      fragment

    6. Domestic Violence program and a Vocational

      lower case?

    7. have to work at it like Ismael stated “Jails are actually supposed to rehabilitate a person

      edit for punctuation: do we have a new sentence here and new source?