If there is a way to overcome the situation, then instead of feeling toomuch sadness, too much fear, or too much anger, make an effort to change thesituation. If there’s nothing you can do to overcome the situation, then there is noneed for fear or sadness or anger.

The situation was explosive and the Dalai Lama knew that it could onlylead to a massacre.

I still rememberthe alertness of mind I felt as I stepped out of the Norbulingka Palace indisguise, dressed in a Tibetan layman’s clothes. All my efforts to calm down thesituation in Lhasa had failed. A huge crowd of Tibetans had gathered outside theNorbulingka Palace, wanting to block any attempts on the part of the Chinesemilitary to take me away.

The true measure of spiritual development is how one confronts one’sown mortality. The best way is when one is able to approach death with joy; nextbest way is without fear; third best way is at least not to have regrets.

so we need touse our days wisely, to make our world a little better for everyone.”

It’s almost a cliché that people with serious or life-threateningillnesses start to savor each moment and to be more fully alive. I worked on abook many years ago with a physician who cared for seriously ill and dyingpatients. He made a powerful distinction between healing and curing: Curinginvolves the resolution of the illness but was not always possible. Healing, hesaid, was coming to wholeness and could happen whether or not the illness wascurable.

I have often thought about the strength that the Archbishop gained fromfacing illness and death so early in life. Illness is one of the most commonsources of suffering and adversity that people face, and yet even here, as withmy father, people can find meaning and spiritual growth in it. In many ways, it’sprobably the most common motivation for people to reevaluate and transformtheir lives.

I was sitting down with this receptacle in front of me and each time Icoughed, blood just came out that way. I said, ‘God, if you want, if this iscurtains for me, then it’s okay.’

As a child, I had polio, andthey say that my father went off to buy the wood for making my coffin and mymother went off to get herself black clothes because they thought I was at theend. In my teenage years I developed tuberculosis and went to a TB hospital,where I noticed that almost all of the patients who started to hemorrhage,coughing up blood, ended up being pushed out on a trolley to the mortuary.

“I should say that for a very long time, thethought of my demise was something that brought a great deal of anxiety.

Our almost natural response is, When I’m hit, I hit back. When you havebeen refined, you want to find out what it is that impelled this other one to dowhat he did. And so you put yourself in the shoes of the other.

explained to me that suffering can either embitter us or ennoble us and that thedifference lies in whether we are able to find meaning in our suffering. Withoutmeaning, when suffering seems senseless, we can easily become embittered. Butwhen we can find a shred of meaning or redemption in our suffering, it canennoble us, as it did for Nelson Mandela.

because in an extraordinary way his suffering helped to grow him.Where they thought it was going to break him, it helped him. It helped him tosee the point of view of the other. Twenty-seven years later, he comes out kind,caring, ready to trust his erstwhile enemy.”

During a visit to Robben Island with Ahmed Kathrada, one of Mandela’scolleagues and fellow prisoners, he showed us in the cafeteria the differentrations that were given to the prisoners—based on their race—a daily reminderof the obsessive racial fascism that they were fighting: “Six ounces of meat forcoloreds/Asiatics and five ounces for Bantus (blacks); one ounce of jam or syrupfor coloreds/Asiatics and none for Bantus.”

They were hardened and strengthened bythose painful experiences. So this shows that the Tibetan saying is really true.The suffering is what makes you appreciate the joy.”

I remember wondering at the time, as U.S. voter turnout washovering under forty percent, how long that sense of joy and appreciation for theright to vote would last and whether there was any way to revive it in Americaamong those who have never been denied the right to vote

“When you got yourfreedom, you really felt joyous. Now the new generation, who are born after,they don’t know the true joy of freedom, and complain more.”

“Even atragic situation can become an opportunity. There’s another Tibetan saying that itis actually the painful experiences that shine the light on the nature of happiness.They do this by bringing joyful experiences into sharp relief.

ou see, at the moment that envy or jealousy develops,you no longer can maintain your peace of mind. So jealousy actually destroysyour peace of mind. Then that jealousy can become corrosive to the relationship.Even with your good friend, if you develop some sort of jealousy, it will be veryharmful to your friendship.

‘Why do I want to have ahouse that has seven rooms when there are only two or three of us? Why do Iwant to have it?’ And you can turn it on its head and look at how we are in sucha mess with climate change because of our galloping consumption, which for theenvironment has been nothing less than disastrous. So you buy the small electriccar instead, and you say, no I don’t need or want that big luxury car. So insteadof it being your enemy, now it’s your ally.”

people

And then he offered another remedy: motivation. “Certainly with envy, it canalso be a spur, you know? It can help you say, I haven’t got a car or a house likethat guy, so why don’t I aim to work to try and get something like that?” As theArchbishop and the Dalai Lama had said, these external goals will not bring ustrue joy or lasting happiness, but motivation to improve our situation is certainlybetter than envy of someone else’s

The Archbishop then went on to offer a powerful remedy for envy: gratitude.“I think that one of the best ways you can begin to counter it is that old one ofcounting your blessings. That might sound very old, old, old, old, old,grandfather-style, but yes, it does help. You know you might not have as big ahouse as that person, but you know what? You’re not living in a shack. So beingthankful for the things that you do in fact have can help.”

because almost everybody,when they are feeling envious, also has guilt attached to it.

The monkeyis quite happy to do this over and over, until he sees his neighbor perform thesame rock-giving task but receive a grape. In the world of capuchin monkeys, agrape is a better, sweeter food than a cucumber.

that envy can become a source of great dissatisfaction. There is aTibetan Buddhist teaching that says what causes suffering in life is a generalpattern of how we relate to others: “Envy toward the above, competitivenesstoward the equal, and contempt toward the lower.”

Comparison is indeed human—even beyond human; it is natural throughoutthe animal world. As the Dalai Lama would point out, even dogs that are eatingtogether peacefully can suddenly start comparing the size of their portion toanother’s, and a fight can break out with barking and the gnashing of teeth.

“I meanyou get up, and you’re trying to be a good person and that guy goes past yetagain, for the third time this week, in his Mercedes-Benz or some other very nicecar. You have been trying not to feel jealous each time he passes with his car, butthis feeling just comes up.”

TheDalai Lama had often emphasized that we are born and die totally dependent onothers, and that the independence that we think we experience in between is amyth.

They should think that we aresame Africans. Furthermore, we are same human beings. Same with religion:Shiite and Sunni, or Christian and Muslim. We are same human beings. Thesedifferences between religions are personal matters. When we relate to othersfrom the place of compassion it goes to the first level, the human level, not thesecondary level of difference. Then you can even have compassion for yourenemy.

how we are who we are through one another,how our humanity is bound up in one another.

“Our whole society has a materialistic culture,” the Dalai Lama said. “In thematerialistic way of life, there’s no concept of friendship, no concept of love,just work, twenty-four hours a day, like a machine. So in modern society, weeventually also become part of that large moving machine.”

Yes, sometimes my bid for human connection was metwith confusion, since it was not the social expectation, but most often there wasa relieved smile, as if we had broken a trance and were once againacknowledging our human bond

of my childhood,

“We are same human beings,” the Dalai Lama said, returning to one of hismost profound refrains. “No need for introduction. Same human face, when wesee one another we immediately know this is a human brother or sister. Whetheryou know them or not, you can smile and say hello.”

“In rural areas, farmers have had a stronger sense of community,” the DalaiLama explained. “So, when someone or some family is facing a problem, youhave the feeling that you can ask your neighbors for help.

As a boy, I never really met thepeople who lived on our apartment floor. I would occasionally hear their doorsclose with an empty metallic clang, and locks turn behind them. If we did seethem while waiting for the elevator, few words were spoken and eyes wereaverted.

“peoplein the big cities are very busy, and although they may see each other’s faces oreven know each other for several years, they have practically no humanconnection. So when something happens, people feel lonely because they haveno one they can turn to for help or suppo

A study by sociologist Lynn Smith-Lovin had found that the number ofclose friends people report having has reduced from three to two. While wemight have hundreds of Facebook friends, our true, close friends are decreasing.Perhaps most concerning of all, one in ten people said they had no closefriendships at all.

“Despair can come from deep grief, but it can also be a defense against therisks of bitter disappointment and shattering heartbreak. Resignation andcynicism are easier, more self-soothing postures that do not require the rawvulnerability and tragic risk of hope. To choose hope is to step firmly forwardinto the howling wind, baring one’s chest to the elements, knowing that, in time,the storm will pass.”

I say to people that I’m not an optimist, because that, in a sense, issomething that depends on feelings more than the actual reality. We feeloptimistic, or we feel pessimistic. Now, hope is different in that it is based not onthe ephemerality of feelings but on the firm ground of conviction.

“That incident could have caused the collapse of the negotiations, but itdidn’t, in fact. We were fortunate that we had someone like Nelson Mandela.“Now, if you had been an optimist, you would have said, Well, theassassination of Chris Hani is really the end of everything. What made peoplewant to go on going on—holding on by the skin of their teeth—was notoptimism but hope—dogged, inextinguishable hope.

“Hope,” the Archbishop said, “is quite different from optimism, which ismore superficial and liable to become pessimism when the circumstanceschange. Hope is something much deeper.

Neither man was asking us to look at the world through rose-colored glassesor to not see the world with anything but a searingly honest view. TheArchbishop even discouraged people from being optimistic.

“When we look at the news, we must keep this more holistic view. Yes, thisor that terrible thing has happened. No doubt, there are very negative things, butat the same time there are many more positive things happening in our world.We must have a sense of proportion and a wider perspective. Then we will notfeel despair when we see these sad things.”

ratifiedclimate change accords that overcame national differences and economic greedto give our world a better chance of survival. The Archbishop often liked toquote one of his heroes, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who in turn was quoting oneof his heroes, an abolitionist minister named Theodore Parker, who said: “Thearc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”

The Archbishop’s and the Dalai Lama’s conviction that we would have adifferent world, eventually, was striking. Several months after the interviews Iwas visiting with the Archbishop in South Africa when terrorist attacks tookplace in Paris. So many people were despairing at humanity’s obviousinhumanity. When I asked him what he would say to those who were caught insuch despair, he replied, “Yes, we do have setbacks, but you must keepeverything in perspective.

“When a disaster such as 9/11 happens, we realize we are family. We arefamily. Those people in the Twin Towers are our sisters and brothers. And evenmore startlingly, the people who were piloting those planes, they are our sistersand brothers. You have a tsunami happen, and have you seen the outpouring oflove and compassion and caring? I mean, you don’t know the victims from abrass farthing.

Ah, it doesn’t really matter. It’s so wonderful that we can bedistressed. That’s part of the greatness of who we are—that you are distressedabout someone who is not family in any conventional way. And yet you feeldistressed, equally.

“What can you do to help change that situation? You might not be able to doa great deal, but start where you are and do what you can where you are. Andyes, be appalled. It would be awful if we looked on all of that horrendousness

When she cameto the Buddha, she begged him to help her. He told her he could help her if shewould collect mustard seeds for the medicine. She eagerly agreed, but then theBuddha explained that the mustard seeds needed to come from a house that hadnot been touched by death. When the woman visited each house in search of themustard seeds that might heal her son, she discovered that there was no housethat had not suffered the loss of a parent, or a spouse, or a child. Seeing that hersuffering was not unique, she was able to bury her child in the forest and releaseher grief.

“Sadness and grief are, of course, natural human responses to loss, but if yourfocus remains on the loved one you have just lost, the experience is less likely tolead to despair. In contrast, if your focus while grieving remains mostly onyourself—‘What am I going to do now? How can I cope?’—then there is agreater danger of going down the path of despair and depression. So, again, somuch depends on how we respond to our experience of loss and sadness.”

I used to think that now I have even more responsibility to fulfillhis wishes, so my sadness translated into more enthusiasm, more determination.I have told those who had lost their dear friend or family member, It is very sad,but this sadness should translate into more determination to fulfill their wishes.If the one you have lost could see you, and you are determined and full of hope,they would be happy. With the great sadness of the loss, one can live an evenmore meaningful life.

“The way through the sadness and grief that comes from great loss is to use itas motivation and to generate a deeper sense of purpose.

In one study it was foundthat sadness lasted many times longer than more fleeting emotions like fear andanger: While fear lasted on average thirty minutes, sadness often lasted up to ahundred and twenty hours, or almost five days.

Sadness is seemingly the most direct challenge to joy, but as the Archbishopargued strongly, it often leads us most directly to empathy and compassion andto recognizing our need for one another

“And so I think we shouldn’t think we are superwomen and supermen. Tohold down emotions in a controlled environment, as it were, is not wise. I wouldsay go ahead and even maybe shout out your sadness and pain. This can bringyou back to normal. It’s locking them up and pretending that they are not therethat causes them to fester and become a wound. I’ve not read this in a book. It’sjust how I have handled them.”

“that constant fear,constant anger, constant hatred harms our immune system. Everybody tries totake care of his or her health. So they need both a healthy body and a healthymind. A healthy mind is a calm mind. Fear and anger are destroyers of a calmmind. Then you realize that anger is no use in solving problems. It will not help.It creates more problems. Then eventually through training of our mind—andusing reasoning—we can transform our emotions.”

righteousanger is a tool of justice, a scythe of compassion, more than a reactive emotion.Although it may have its roots deep in our fight-or-flight desire to protect thosein our family or group who are threatened, it is a chosen response and not simplyan uncontrollable reaction.

The Archbishop simply and succinctly explained the power and limits of thisuse of anger. “Righteous anger is usually not about oneself. It is about thosewhom one sees being harmed and whom one wants to help.”

Yet certainly anger must have a place, I thought. Sometimes it serves a role inprotecting us or others from hurt or harm.

“One time I was in Jerusalem,” the Dalai Lama said, “and I met with ateacher who used to tell his students, When you are irritated or angry withsomeone, you should remember that they are made in the image of God. Some ofthe students in the class were Palestinians, and they had to cross through Israelicheckpoints. They told him that when they would get nervous and irritated, theywould think that these soldiers were made in the image of God, and they wouldrelax and feel better.

Neuropsychiatrist Daniel Siegel explains that when we get very angry, wecan “flip our lid,” so to speak, losing the benefit of our critical-thinking cortex.As a result, the prefrontal cortex, which is important for emotion regulation andmoral judgment, loses its ability to control our emotional limbic system. TheDalai Lama’s driver had flipped his lid, and as a result he acted in a rather sillyway, causing himself even more pain. This scene is comical because it is socommon.

“When I used to get angry, I would shout,” the Dalai Lama said,

“One of the people who used to drive the car would also repair it when itbroke down, which was quite often. One day he was under the car repairing itwhen I came by to see him. As he came out from under the car, he banged hishead on the fender. This made him lose his temper. He was so mad that hebanged his head against the car again and again. Bang, bang, bang.” The DalaiLama pretended to hit his head into the imaginary fender, to the delight of thechildren.

“Where there is fear, frustration will come.Frustration brings anger. So, you see, fear and anger are very close.”

Could it be that all of the getting andgrasping that we see as our major ambition in modern life might be misguided?And perhaps the belief that more is better might be a recipe for stress andfrustration, and ultimately dissatisfaction?

I want this. I want that. Often we are not being realisticabout our own ability or about objective reality. When we have a clear pictureabout our own capacity, we can be realistic about our effort. Then there is amuch greater chance of achieving our goals. But unrealistic effort only bringsdisaster. So in many cases our stress is caused by our expectations and ourambition.”

“Stress and anxiety often come from too much expectation and too muchambition,” the Dalai Lama said. “Then when we don’t fulfill that expectation orachieve that ambition, we experience frustration. Right from the beginning, it isa self-centered attitude.

But if stress and anxiety are inevitable parts of modern life, how can webegin to confront these ever-present irritants? How do we make the ridesmoother? How do we minimize the worry we experience?

“There is a wisdom that has been lost,” Jinpa said.“Our opportunities are so much greater now, but so, too, are our anxieties.”

While survival certainly is thegreatest stressor of all—for which our stress response evolved—there issomething different about the constant pressures and pulls of modern life

him about the flight. To which, Mandela leaned in, eyes wide, and said, “Man, Iwas terrified up there.”

Jinpa pointed out that modern society has prioritized independence to such anextent that we are left on our own to try to manage lives that are increasingly outof control.

general state of unease, during which we have floating fears and worries thatattach to any experience or relationship.

the Archbishop had said, it is when this natural fear gets exaggerated thatwe experience stress, worry, and anxiety.

“Courage is not the absence offear, but the ability to act despite it.”

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, butthe triumph over it. I felt fear more times than I can remember, but I hid itbehind a mask of boldness. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, buthe who conquers that fear.”

“I think we’ve got to accept ourselvesas we are. And then hope to grow in much the way the Dalai Lama described. Imean getting to know what the things are that trigger us. These are things thatyou can train, you can change, but we ought not to be ashamed of ourselves. Weare human, and sometimes it is a good thing that we recognize that we havehuman emotions. Now the thing is being able to say, when is it appropriate?”

Like the ocean has manywaves on the surface but deep down it is quite calm. This is possible if we knowhow to develop mental immunity.”

He saidthat he had lots of problems, lots of difficulties that were causing him a greatdeal of anxiety. I said to him that we human beings have the ability to make adistinction between the rational level and the emotional level.

You can have quickest or you can have best solution, but not both. The bestsolution to our suffering is mental immunity, but it takes time to develop.

Onemust develop the mind over time and cultivate mental immunity.

“People would like to be able to take a pill that makes their fear and anxietygo away and makes them immediately feel peaceful. This is impossible.

I have never seen Archbishop Tutu miss an opportunity to thank someone orappreciate what he has been given. He will often stop an entire production or anevent to acknowledge all that are present.

“Is it okay? Temperature is okay?” the Dalai Lama asked.

“So then I told them that you often used to describe me as a mischievousperson and so I said I also consider you a mischievous person. The meeting oftwo mischievous people is wonderful. So, very happy reunion.” They bothlaughed.

The more we turn towardothers, the more joy we experience, and the more joy we experience, the morewe can bring joy to others. The goal is not just to create joy for ourselves but, asthe Archbishop poetically phrased it, “to be a reservoir of joy, an oasis of peace,a pool of serenity that can ripple out to all those around you.” As we will see, joyis in fact quite contagious. As is love, compassion, and generosity.

Still some might wonder what our own joy has to do with counteringinjustice and inequality. What does our happiness have to do with addressing thesuffering of the world? In short, the more we heal our own pain, the more we canturn to the pain of others.

survey after survey has shown that it is unhappy people who tend to bemost self-focused and are socially withdrawn, brooding, and even antagonistic.Happy people, in contrast, are generally found to be more sociable, flexible, andcreative,

Research suggests that cultivating your own joy and happiness has benefitsnot just for you, but also for others in your life. When we are able to movebeyond our own pain and suffering, we are more available to others; pain causesus to be extremely self-focused.

e are left with a paradox. If one of the fundamental secrets of joy is goingbeyond our own self-centeredness, then is it foolish selfishness (as theDalai Lama would say) and self-defeating to focus on our own joy andhappiness?

And we flourish incommunity. When we become self-centered, turning in on ourselves, as sure asanything, we are going to find one day a deep, deep, deep frustration.”

Without trust, there is no friendship. Wehuman beings are social animals, as we’ve said, and we need friends. Genuinefriends. Friends for money, friends for power are artificial friends.”

you can never develop trust in others.

“As you just mentioned,” the Dalai Lama added, getting quite animated,“people think about money or fame or power. From the point of view of one’sown personal happiness, these are shortsighted. The reality, as the Archbishopmentioned, is that human beings are social animals. One individual, no matterhow powerful, how clever, cannot survive without other human beings. So thebest way to fulfill your wishes, to reach your goals, is to help others, to makemore friends.“How do we create more friends?” he now asked rhetorically. “Trust. How doyou develop trust? It’s simple: You show your genuine sense of concern for theirwell-being. Then trust will come. But if behind an artificial smile, or a bigbanquet, is a self-centered attitude deep inside of you, then there will never betrust. If you are thinking how to exploit, how to take advantage of them, then

“Over the last several years, I have discussed with scientists this distinctionbetween the sensory level of pleasure and pain and the deeper level of mentalhappiness and suffering.

But we can also experience happiness atthe deeper level through our mind, such as through love, compassion, andgenerosity. What characterizes happiness at this deeper level is the sense offulfillment that you experience.

we need to know that there are actually two differentkinds. The first is the enjoyment of pleasure through our senses.

or was it a matter ofattitude toward each bite?

He was eating with relish. There was something deeply relieving about knowingthat holiness didn’t require a rejection of the simple joys of life, like a good mealand especially pudding.

“Not eating out of greed,” the Dalai Lama explained. “Eating only for thesurvival of the body. One must think about the deeper value of nourishing thebody.”

“Too much self-centered thinking is the source of suffering. Acompassionate concern for others’ well-being is the source of happiness.

being put into a fiery furnace to be refined.”

Hey, I’m notalone in this. Look at all the many others, and there may be some who are ingreater pain

ou don’t have to be abeliever in any faith to be able to say, Oh, aren’t I blessed that I have doctors,that I have nurses qualified to look after me, and that I can be in a hospital? Thatmight just be the beginning of moving away from being so self-centered andconcentrating too much on me, me, me, me.

It helps you to some extent to look away fromyourself. And it can help make that anguish bearable.

The Archbishop would say we have verylittle. The Dalai Lama would say we have more than we think.

“The thing is, don’t feel guilty. We have no control over our feelings.Emotions are spontaneous things that arise.”

And then her child is ill. That mother will notremember her exhaustion. She can sit at the bedside of her sick child the nightthrough, and when the child gets better you see that joy.”

There’s

“It’s wonderful to discover that what we want is not actually happiness. It isnot actually what I would speak of. I would speak of joy. Joy subsumeshappiness. Joy is the far greater thing. Think of a mother who is going to givebirth. Almost all of us want to escape pain. And mothers know that they aregoing to have pain, the great pain of giving birth. But they accept it. And evenafter the most painful labor, once the baby is out, you can’t measure the mother’sjoy. It is one of those incredible things that joy can come so quickly fromsuffering.

“Many people look at you,” the Archbishop continued, “and they think of allthe awful things that have happened to you. Nothing can be more devastatingthan being exiled from your home, from the things that are really precious toyou.

I had witnessed both the Archbishop’s tears and his laughter so many times.Well, more his laughter than his tears, in truth, but he does cry easily and often,for that which is not yet redeemed, for that which is not yet whole.

“Discovering more joy does not, I’m sorry to say,” the Archbishop added, aswe began our descent, “save us from the inevitability of hardship and heartbreak.In fact, we may cry more easily, but we will laugh more easily, too.

“Life isfilled with challenges and adversity,” the Archbishop continued. “Fear isinevitable, as is pain and eventually death.

WArrival: We Are Fragile Creaturese are fragile creatures, and it is from this weakness, not despite it, that wediscover the possibility of true joy,”

Every day is your birthday.

No dark fate determines the future. We do. Each day and each moment, weare able to create and re-create our lives and the very quality of human life onour planet. This is the power we wield.

There is perhaps nothing more joyous than birth, and yetso much of life is spent in sadness, stress, and suffering.