Liquid Gold
REALLY neat, i love the images in this poem a lot!
22 Matching Annotations
- Jan 2018
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moodle.augsburg.edu moodle.augsburg.edu
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the
cut "the"
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Tread
cut "tread"
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Tread the liquid gold until my legs and arms are jello
cut "treat the liquid gold"
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In the ease of the water Of the liquid gold.
i might have missed this earlier up but are you in water or liquid gold?
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Five seconds to breath in and out. Until I can feel the biting liquid gold, Numbing my skin, my arms, my toes. Numbing my sins, doubts, and thoughts.
this is such cool imagery!
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like I sing soprano in choir
i think you can cut "in choir"? like, soprano IS a choir thing so the message gets across with the "like i sing soprano"
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Sings
change to "singing"!
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My mind: my brain sigh with the feel of water surrounding me
i think "sigh" might be "sighs" here instead? also consider cutting the "my brain" part, and change "sigh" to "sighing" to keep the gerunds going :D
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biting frigid.
you should for sure change frigid to "cold" because it'll be a really neat rhyme
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Until I am fully submerged in the liquid gold
SUCH A COOL IMAGE! cut the "the" though!
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One Two Breath Three Four Breath Five
i get what you're doing here, but it feels a liiiittle odd to me... i think you can work with it though! maybe something like: one (in) two (out) three (in) ...
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moodle.augsburg.edu moodle.augsburg.edu
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To believe in what I am praying for.
i always feel like you're one line over what you need for a complete poem, LOL. i would consider cutting this and ending with "for myself"! :)
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I am supposed to base my belief on faith. I need to be shown.
maybe have a "so" in the second line? just to like, connect those two lines, you know?
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Prove who YOU are
i know i HATE periods (LOL), but ending this with one would be SO POWERFUL.
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What is truth?
maybe as a way to mirror the next line, have "what is truth and what is lies"?
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What is fact? What is the fiction based on bias?
hmm i feel like this can be combined into one line some how? like, what is fact and what is fiction? and cut the "bias" idea cause you already mentioned it a while back
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Why? Why would I pray?
only one "why" maybe? or JUST "why?" as your sentence here?
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The Bible is based on bias.
"the bible is biased" would be a cool way to word this!
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Written by men who wanted their wives In the kitchen waddling around with big bellies Full with their offspring.
ohh wow ok this intent and these three lines, wowza... maybe work with the word "waddling", i love the image but that word doesn't seem biting enough, you know? consider a comma between kitchen and whatever verb you put here
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Every night the same prayer. I ask HIM to forgive my SINS HE hears me better at night, or so I tell myself. HE can’t hear the doubts rattling around in my head like a rattlesnake’s tail.
really like the capitalization, especially because you also capitalize SINS which is an interesting tie to the HIM/HE
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despite the doubt bouncing against my skull Like a bouncy ball let loose in a small enclosed room.
"bouncy" and "bouncing" are similar, might wanna change one of these... you could even just call it a rubber ball? or say doubt is banging against your skull?
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