Second Wavers are only concerned with themselves anyway.”
This character is a great conduit for learning more about the world structure.
27 Matching Annotations
- Nov 2018
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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I’ll be as short as my patience.
Really digging this introduction scene. You not only show us this new character, you use him to reveal something important about the world.
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Yet before I knew it, the table had been cleared and Emilia was offering me a sleeping mat and my eyes were opening to the light of a new day.
Really, this scene was just great. I would have liked to see more of Selene's reaction to Robert's words, even or especially just internally.
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. She places on a center table a simple bowl of broth and potato bread.
I love this scene because food is a great indicator of culture .Relationships are a great way to show learning tolerance and food is really so important to building bridges. Great choice!
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They can only choose to listen to the voices crying out to them.
So a couple overall notes for the story.
I think you have a GREAT amount of world-building and exposition in here. That's definitely really important. However, I think in your next draft you might want to focus more on bringing action out, or even dialogue. At some points I felt more like I was reading an internal monologue of Xelian history. It's great for giving me necessary information about the planet, but I just feel like too much and it feels unnatural, because people don't naturally think about things they just KNOW from birth. I'd be interested in learning about this history tidbit by tidbit.
-I love the plants!!! I love how you interweave them throughout the story. That being said, I'm wondering why you chose blue to be a primary driving color for this story and not green? I think a really unearthly glowy green would be very interesting!
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I look pretty unassuming with brown eyes and dark black hair,
It would be interesting to expand on the different ways each generation is divided by appearance. Does Selene resemble the Divisors or the Newcomers more? A mix? Especially since you note earlier she's taken on attributes of the Devisors in her skin color
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Or, more importantly, that I happened to be here because they think I’m more likely to follow their every order than most due to “loyalty.”
This makes me interested in knowing what about her in her past has shown "loyalty" that is consistent with what their cause is
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“It used to be sold for only a couple hundred dollars, though you probably have no idea what that means and that doesn’t ring true for the two of us. I guess things change over time.”
you might want to clarify this sentence/meaning. it doesn't read well.
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Alexandrite
Appropriate for the inbetween theme
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three-point vote value to the one-point value of us Second Wavers’ votes and the quarter point value of the Newcomers.
3/5ths compromise reference?
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For the most part, us Second Wavers have escaped dealing with these issues.
I like Selene's placement, it's kind of like she's in limbo or "in-between" which is a compelling place to come from I feel like that you might want to have this feeling be central to your themes, or use it as a point of continuity
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Issues of who can come to Xelia have been strictly regulated since its inception.
Definitely getting some early Ellis Island quota vibes from this! Don't know if that's what you're going for, but I like it.
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Wolfsate, which grows along the walls of my home, is less traditionally beautiful, but its thorns protect the house from the cold, insulating against the cold of the winters. And grelia, which adorns the cracks in our streets, glows whenever the moons pass over, casting haunting shadows across the roads as hovercrafts rush past.
I like the interweaving of familiar and foreign plants here. I think it really establishes the kind of vibe you're going for, intertwining old earth and new Xelian culture. I'm not super familiar with plants, so I had to google to make sure these weren't real!
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dis.lib.usf.edu dis.lib.usf.edu
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Mark comes in and I give him a huge hug. “Eric you looked better in the projected beam when Sandra had entered metallic room in front of me” I chuckled. Mark looks into his phone and scans it the both of us staring at him, “Are we summoned to the Feral Bureau again?” He nodded his head, “Well certainly not’ but who is ready for a new adventure?” He left us on a cliffhanger, both of us wondering what the world ahead had for us.
Really like all the action and concepts you brought into this story! I know some things I'd definitely like to know more about include details about the simulation and reality vs VR kind of struggle. I absolutely love how you've developed and really showed depth to your main character.
I think I'd like to see this emotional connection with the others as well, particularly Eric who plays off of her very well. I like the contrast between the dutiful, hard-headed, brash Zienna, and the sneaky, calculating, cool-headedness of Eric.
I would suggest you definitely build up the theme and concept of trust issues that resonate through the entire narrative.
One other suggestion I have is that for your final draft you might want to take it to the writing center and polish some of the grammar, formatting, and wording which sometimes doesn't flow exactly right and takes you out of the story a little bit, but you have a solid action-filled plot which really helps.
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The only doubt I was in was whether this one was also a simulation or was it in real,
I think this scene is my favorite so far. The warping of reality and the true pinnacle of trust issues, not even knowing if what you're experiencing is real or fake. That might be a central theme to your work.
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“The Pentagon
This would be a good time for a more deeper "reveal" of the Pents' true nature
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he is the only one person I know here in this place and fighting with him wouldn’t make any sense though.
This makes an interesting point about trusting the familiar in extreme circumstances. I like how we see Eric as a kind of "is he or isn't he a bad guy" character. It'd be good to make him be your "morally grey" touchstone for the story.
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trust
good tie in to the emotional distrust we see her exhibit throughout the story
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peculiar in every place most of the places were similar to those of the Phantom.
Interesting!
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I had come here with an agenda which had to be strictly followed , trying my level best to get all possible details and knowledge which would be accessible by all means.
I think that I'm a little confused about the nature of the Center. At first I thought it was a prison, but there seem to be a lot of freedoms.
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I had lost faith and trust over the entire mankind after the incidence,
I think it would be good to elaborate here on which specific part/s of the process have made her lose trust.
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punch him in his face in aggression
I like the tiny ways you've characterized her as a hothead who can be impulsive at times, especially when angered
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"There is no room for any other thing except for evidence here." His tone turning to a stern one now, "You need to understand the scrutiny of their methodology and .." I aggressively retorted "You are trying to prove a point, isn't it . You don't believe me Mark ". "Don't get me wrong , there isn't any way out other than abiding by what the jury will decide."
I think I'd like to know if the reasoning for this has something to do with the world you've created. Maybe sprinkle in and build on Zenia's sense of justice and the concept of it in this world in small details before this point might make the impact even more solid. By which I mean, use this strict code of justice via facts over mercy by emotional appeal as good, desirable things up until the point they're used against her.
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I had been falsely accused, for being a part of the conspiracy the Pents had planned which had lead to the current crisis the country was facing from. Also was I accused of letting Phantom data base getting leaked for which I was given a huge amount of incentive as well. "
This is a super interesting jump between the last part and this. From wanting to stop the Pent's to somehow being mistaken for helping them. I love the thematic timing! It makes you immediately want to know what happened between there and here, and how long it's been. You may or may not want to include hints of ways to tell how much time has passed, or whether we're "backwards vs forwards" in time so to speak
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DVR'
Again I'd like to know what this acronym stands for. I feel in the dark when I can't be on the same level of basic world knowledge as the character and it takes me out of the suspenseful deliberate information withholding about the conflict.
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His dormitory filled with self created maps, sticky notes every where, a framework which looked like a web made up with wires and threads wound up together.
The quintessential paranoia wall. If you're going for having him come off from the bat as creepy, you hit it using one of these. But I like how you back up the paranoia with the scifit tech to "hide it"
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PST tower
Expanding this acronym the first time would be good! I love the virtual reality scene!
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