143 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2019
    1. Hye did an outstanding job in her second draft building upon her foundation of creating a desirable-possible city of unity and understanding. She very creatively incorporated robots that would remind the people that people are all humans, regardless of their background or race. There were some places where I was not exactly clear of how ideas would be acted upon, but my questions were answered as I continued to read. I love how the story flows, especially as the setting changes from place to place and all the characters that are incorporated. I would like to know more about the robots, but it is not necessary because of all the parts of the story that Hye included up to that point. If Hye found it necessary, I would have liked the cultural exposition to be described in more detail and to know more about what it took for Tim to uproot from his family in East Asia. Overall, the story is very inspiring. It is a great mix of realistic and what could happen with technology in the future! Wonderful job, Hye!

    2. the content shown on these robots are decided by the creators,” Jess explains.

      I really like this, Hye. Great way to incorporate science fiction and further the message you were trying to share.

    3. We could also make advancements to these robots such as create and input an algorithm that will allow them to detect any form of conflict between individuals or groups- both hidden and visible.”

      SO COOL!

    4. “Oh! I suggested improving surveillance and security in the country. We can start by incorporating modern technology to protect not only the minorities but also the rest of the population. Furthermore, by incorporating this possible solution, we can reduce the number of crime and violence in our society. Although this solution may have it’s disadvantages such as others using it for negative purposes, I believe the pros still outweigh the cons. Of course, this solution will require some form of trial and error for a desirable result,” Tim explains.

      This is a great way to incorporate technology.

    5. “That’s an interesting outlook on this situation, I was just thinking we should give out ice cream cones to create a happier society,” she jokingly says. 

      You did a great job mimicking her character!

    6. With that said, up-beat music began to play and the audience began to chant Tim’s name. Hearing this, Tim felt like his dreams were coming true: meeting his role model and celebrity crush on the show he still loved watching every now and then. He walks out jolly and greets Ellen.

      I can really envision this... great description!

    7. A few days ago, Tim got a call from a local television network saying they interested to interview him. To his surprise, this call was from the producers of the Ellen Lee DeGeneres Show.

      This is such a cool addition to your story!

    8. With those words said, Tim parts with the young lady after she thanks him. To Tim’s surprise, she offered to return the favour with an agreement to his previous request. Tim and his partner were able to capture one of the most simple yet meaningful photographs. It is not of the city itself but of one single individual who occupies it. It is of this nameless young lady in a business attire with her hands on her hips, looking fearlessly at us. It holds a deep meaning: to stand up for who we are and to be proud of where we stand. It is us who creates the city. It is the differences that makes a city unique. We are unique.

      I really like this part of the story. :)

    9. “But don’t worry, we’ll eventually reach a stage where we can live in a society that will accept us for who we are.” Tim continues.

      Because Tim is continuing to talk, you do not have to have a space between the two quotes.

    10. With that set in stone, I would like for you to enjoy the rest of the exposition and I hope we can embrace each other’s differences. Thank you for coming as well as watching for those tuned in around the world.Tim walks off stage as proud as he could be for being able to end this movement with a big finale; to be able to open the minds of many and to create a change regardless of how small it may be. 

      Absolutely beautiful!

    11. This was going to open the eyes and hearts of many. 

      I really love how you have created this story. It is very clear and has a deep purpose. At this point, it would be helpful to know an overview of the idea that Tim has. Then, you can continue with how Tim puts the production together, as you already have.

    12. We are finally approaching Fall where the leaves begin to change slowly into its most vibrant hues, creating a feeling of homelliness.

      The way you write gives me a feeling that you are talking directly to me; I think that is a unique yet effective way to tell a story.

    13. Do the people who inhabit the area change how the city is created or is it the opposite way around? There are so many questions but yet no answer. Therefore, Tim decides to go off course; a different route that is somewhat refreshing. 

      You do a great job incorporating aspects of what we have discussed in class.

    14. Where were the families playing catch on a Sunday afternoon with their golden retriever? Where was the happiness and joy from living in a world with choice and freedom? Where did the smile on people’s faces go? It seemed as if he had entered a new dimension in the far future yet he felt like he had gone backwards to an era where people struggled and were not content with their life.

      This is very insightful, Hye!

    15. It was as if Tim had entered a whole new world; from living in a small cottage house with the sunlight kissing the soft green pastures covered with flourishing flora and fauna to a densely packed neighbourhood with structured houses all lined up against each other and facing one another.

      Great descriptive language!

    16. To start off, there are several questions that need to be addressed, especially when making a life changing decision. That is, “Am I making a practical decision?”, “Can I simply leave my family behind for what seems like a desirable future?”, and “Will I be able to create a change in the world by pursuing my passion?”

      Very insightful questions!

    17. They offered him a 3 month recruitment to see where his skills can take the company. After weeks of pulling off several all-nighters and chugging down 2-3 cans of energy drinks, a wave of relief washed over Tim when he finally received the acceptance/recruitment email.

      Perhaps you can switch the order of these two sentences.

    18. With this yearning for change and a difference,

      What has sparked this yearning in Tim? Did something happen in his life earlier or did he have an experience that made him feel this way?

    19. little void inside his heart. A void that could be patched up

      A void is very large; therefore, it may be useful to change the word "void" to "hole" or something similar.

    1. The burning in my throat had stopped. I didn’t even see burns on my skin. Had I imagined it all? I didn't even have a mark.

      How did she not have any injuries from the gas?

    1. Marc doesn’t mind so much though. I think he’s genuinely really happy to be at the factory. I think he hopes that one day he’ll be promoted to an overseer or officer as a reward for his good work.

      I love how you have developed Marc's personality.

    2. We get assigned into troupes at that age and as a group we do all of our schooling and training together. They decide our jobs for us at that age so we can learn relevant motor skills and information.

      I am curious to know more about how they decide their jobs. What does the testing process look like?

    1. Melanie has transported her reader to a world that is so captivating. It incorporates science fiction in a way that remarkably helps its readers consider the desirable-possible city. The mystery is appropriate to the development of the story, and an explanation was given, but I would like to know more about how Elena’s family is doing after she has moved to the Inner-Ring. I would also like to know more about how the Elites interact with the vehir and why elites make vehir dress in the same blue suits and wake up at the same time. You can also share more about what the physical environment of the Inner-Ring is like compared to the lowlands in order to further explain the divide between them and the transition that Elena is experiencing. On that note, in order to make the story more cohesive, you can include more about how the transition from the status of a vehir to elite is on Elena. This is important because Elena really wanted to escape from the lowlands and run away from her job, and now she finally has the opportunity to. You can continue to grow this aspect of your story to help your reader know how Elena is feeling about her new status and over time reveal why she is feeling this way. Her life is like a bridge between the vehir and elites. The gems of her story are the division between the vehir and elites, for the tension between the two in the society is very real and effectively demonstrates societal inequality. She has created a deep friendship between Elena and Marc that is very personal and relatable. Another gem is Elena’s character itself. The perspective of first-person and her sense of humor are very engaging. In addition, the explanation of the genetic mutations and technology used to train Elena is very impressive because it all is very advanced, yet it is explained in a way that the reader, who may not have any background in those fields, can understand. I honestly feel like I am reading a published novel because of the style of the writing and the way the plot is moving along. I can't wait to see where it goes.

    1. Maybe next time they’ll create a simulation of this and I can shut her up.

      I had to read this sentence two times, but the second time, I understood the joke and it was very funny.

    2. “Well we need to get you something for the Rowan Gala! It’s this big fancy party where all the Elites go and have dinner with the Chancellor and the rest of the high court. They also invite a bunch of foreign dignitaries to sit around and basically talk about how great they are. The cool part is where the Elites with the most unique and dazzling abilities put on a power display. They make it seem like it’s a show but I think it’s to scare the other foreign powers into leaving us alone. Seems to have worked so far.”

      I can see how this relates to the desirable-possible city. It is there, but it is not overwhelming. Great job.

    1. We’re hypothesizing that your body reacted to one of the chemicals in the explosion and the small trace of mutation you had in you, absorbed the explosive energy and gave you…explosive abilities.”     “I can make things explode?”     “Well technically, you created your own solar field and projected a concentrated stream of that energy outwards. Most Elites who can manipulate the elements need to get it from an already existing source. We need to study further but it looks like your ability is self-generated. You are able to create your own energy source and project it outwards. We’ll study your capabilities during your training sessions though for confirmation. “

      Great plot development.

    2.  “Good evening Ms.Elena, my name is Elijah, and I am the high chancellor of Altheria. You’ve been called to the high court today to review a mutation it seems we were unaware of. While the circumstances are unusual, we’d like to welcome you into society as an Elite member. You’re to live here on the grounds of the Inner Ring for your training, studies, and testing.”

      I like the way you took the story here, taking your time to help your reader understand the next step in Elena's journey.

    3. How is that even possible if we’re all tested when we’re kids? And both of my parents are Vehir. ALSO when did you do tests on me? How long have I been here? Is that even legal?”

      Your dialogue is very authentic.

    4. During the winter time, we get thicker ones to keep us warm

      How does the government distribute blankets to all its citizens? Do the people not keep thin and thick blankets in their closets like we do?

    1. Hye Rim has done an amazing job creating relatable characters and focusing on a message she wants to share with her readers. In the beginning of the story, she can elaborate on how or why sales increased that allowed Tim and his family to live a comfortable life. As Tim leaves his family to pursue his dream, what does the process of them parting look like? Do they maintain contact? If so, how frequently and by what means? Does he plan to return home in the future or visit his family? How did they respond when Tim went into a coma? Did they go to California to show support for Tim in the cultural exhibition? When Tim researches how to obtain a temporary job at a photography agency, I wanted to know more about his experience with photography. When and how did Tim discover this talent? How did he practice it before landing the job in California? What exactly is Tim’s role in the photography position? Has he been commissioned to take photos of a specific theme or more-so ones of his choice? I found it interesting when you had Tim say “I guess we’re doing this again.” I would love for you to elaborate on these feelings, such as how even living out his dream grew monotonous. Can you possibly give more information about Sam as a person? Was he ever exposed for his attack on Tim or given any punishment? I truly love the way that you engage your reader with questions about what they think about the desirable possible city so that they can think and hopefully respond. However, try to find ways to weave Tim’s idea of the perfect city into his actions, for actions say a lot about what people believe. The idea of a cultural exposition is very creative, and I see its purpose in your story. I just find it very hard to envision happening without some big organization like the United Nations overseeing it all. I loved the plot twist of Sam attacking Tim because Tim “did not belong” there. Perhaps you can expand upon Sam’s character, his background experiences that led Sam to commit such a malicious act, and who else was involved in planning the attack, like who moved the car. From there, you can expand on Tim’s rehabilitation and how the hate crime drew attention around the world. Then you can jump into the cultural exhibition. I would like to know more about how the cultural exhibition ran smoothly; can you paint a picture of what went on in the performance? Did the performers from each country travel to the United States or were they residents in the United States? How did they all interact outside of the performance? I love the introduction of the last character, the Asian American business woman. Her interaction with Tim was very real and raw. In making your story more cohesive, perhaps you can swap the cultural exhibition to the end of your short story and conclude with your manifesto. When Tim meets the Asian American woman, perhaps he can invite her to speak at the cultural exhibition. The gems were in your description of East Asia and your comparison of it to the United States. Because it is so personal to you, it is very authentic and I believe you should leverage on that. As you do this, I believe your ideas of the desirable possible city will inherently be expressed. Your story did an awesome job addressing the desirable possible city, but I found it hard to identify aspects of science fiction. Perhaps you can have Tim create a form of technology to unify people in cities, eliminating distinctions between socioeconomic status and cultural backgrounds, like a way for people to virtually visit other countries and experience different cultures.

    2. Since the day of the cultural exposition which was broadcasted all over the world, small yet gradual changes have occurred. Little by little, people have become more adapted to the idea of sharing a space with different types of people without strongly taking into consideration their social standing. Others have become more open minded to the idea of forming interpersonal relationships with those of different socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. Of course, one cultural exposition will not create a tidal wave of change as adaptation takes time and effort. 

      I am glad you addressed what happened as a result of the exposition. Could you possibly provide a few specific examples of how sharing space and forming interpersonal relationships has changed?

    3. Tim says one thing and one thing one, “Accept yourself, You’re perfect the way you are”. He explains how a city thrives off of people like us. The beauty of a city stems from its diversity and its acceptance for differences. We’re simply at the climax of the movie where tension is high but eventually, everything will workout. With those words said, Tim parts with the young lady after she thanks him and returns the favour with an agreement to his previous request. Tim and his partner were able to capture one of the most simple yet meaningful photographs. It is not of the city itself but of one single individual who occupies it. It is of this nameless young lady in a business attire with her hands on her hips, looking fearlessly at us. It holds a deep meaning: to stand up for who we are and to be proud of where we stand. It is us who creates the city. It is the differences that makes a city unique. We are unique.

      The message you were trying to convey was very clear. I love how you expressed it in many facets throughout your story.

    4. FLESH IS FLESHWhat makes us different from others?Is it the color of our skin or is it the way we talk?How can we create a desirable possible city if we’re so different?The answer is simple…FLESH IS FLESHUnderstanding and acceptance is what we needIf we don’t understand, we often fear. If we fear, we begin to judge. If we judge, we attempt to control. If we cannot control, we attack. So how can we create a city of desire if we refuse to understand and accept?FLESH IS FLESHLet’s say we decide to understand and acceptWhere does the lead?Meaningful connections are createdUltimately developing into citiesFLESH IS FLESHWe begin to eliminate the obstructions of dissimilarity We begin to create a melting potWe begin to work in unityWe begin to progressFLESH IS FLESHThe creation of a city is simple yet difficultCreating a city does not mean we need to start overWe simply move on with the knowledge of the past and presentWe simply start NOW.

      I recognize this as your manifesto. It is so powerful and really thoughtful that you would incorporate it into your short story.

    5. Everything goes by smoothly; the views increase by every second and the spread of awareness increases throughout the program. Each country was able to perform and display the beauty of their culture and that the differences are what makes each and every country unique and exquisite. It was now towards the end of the program,

      I found myself wanting to know more about the presentations from the countries. Perhaps you can provide highlights from a select few of the countries' presentations.

    6. He also recruited a diverse set of individuals of different socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds, makeup artists, production designers, stage directors, and much more to create a mind blowing event.

      This is a very creative idea, great work.

    7. Different countries would flaunt the beauty of their culture and the historical meaning behind it. This would give each country a chance to expose it’s differences. Finally, the event would close off with powerful message by Tim who shares his past, his experiences, and his vision for a possible desirable future.

      How would the countries make their presentations? Where would the event take place?

    8. even after the 3 month period

      I understand this to be the time Tim was in the coma, but it may be helpful to the reader to reference the 3 month period was because of his coma.

    9. If we want to create a desirable possible city, the most logical thing to do is simply get rid of the problem, right? That would create a harmonious life, right? That would teach us a valid lesson, right? What do you think? Do you think we need to try and understand one another or simply ignore the issue by getting rid of it?

      I do not typically find short stories that address the reader so directly; however, in this case, I find it to be effective.

    10. It was in this moment when he realized the true nature of humans. Often times, if we don’t understand, we fear; if we fear, we begin to judge; if we judge, we attempt to control, and if we cannot control, we attack. Does that mean our society has come to a stage where we no longer accept and try to understand each other? Instead we try to eliminate all dissimilarities? What kind of community does that create? These are the questions that determine whether or not we are able to live in a desirable possible city. How can we create a prosperous future if we cannot do the simplest thing which is to understand the perspectives, ideas, and background of others?

      Your transitions from action of characters to commentary is so good, and your commentary is so powerful and relevant to the course.

    11. He picks up his Sony Alpha A7 III camera with his remaining equipment and heads off to work. Today’s mission is like every other mission: visiting a neighbourhood East of the central office which is 2 hours away. With his partner, they head off to ‘Cherry Villa’. Normally, Tim would deviate from his main project and go to an area that has something unique to offer but for some reason, his gut was telling him to go to ‘Cherry Villa’. On arrival to this neighbourhood, something was familiar yet odd. Thinking so little of this feeling, Tim brushes it off and decides to go in. Like any other wealthy neighbourhood, this community had a gate code; very fancy. They drive in and park in visitor's parking. It was a beautiful day for a walk and the neighbourhood was perfect for classic photographs. The typical American Dream. As they walk and capture the beauty of the neighbourhood, Tim and Sam felt uncomfortable. It was as if someone was watching our every move. He felt as if someone was making a mental note of who he was and what he was doing. He felt judged for the way he walked, talked, and dressed. It was to the point where he felt as if they knew what he was thinking. With a few more shots needed for the project, they stayed but hurried along. After taking the remaining pictures, they headed back to their car. Where was it though? 

      I was hanging on every word here! Great descriptive language.

    12. What kind of neighbourhood is this? Is this even a neighbourhood? With these thoughts lingering in his mind, he slowly drifts off to sleep. 

      Great how you included this reflection of his thoughts. Helpful to the reader.

    13. To pop the bubble everyone hides in and to expand their knowledge and heighten their mindfulness. It is through these photographic images that Tim wanted to create a change. After all, “A picture is worth a thousand words”

      Very moving.

    14. express himself in ways he did not have to back in Eastern Asia. Through body language and variations in tone, he is able to live a less intimidating life as basic ideas can be communicated. 

      Can you please elaborate on this? I am interested to know more about why he could live a less intimidating life in the states.

    15. Again with time, he is able to adjust to the new culture and language. Although he may not speak it as fluently as most people in the states, his daily activities are no longer major problems.

      Was there anything specific that helped Tim to adjust to the new language and culture?

    16.     His adjustment in a new culture was never easy because it is like molding yourself in the sense of understanding new beliefs and traditions regardless of how alien it may sound

      Very nice wording.

    17. Where were the families playing catch on a Sunday afternoon with their golden retriever? Where was the happiness and joy from living in a world with choice and freedom? Where did the smile on people’s faces go? It seemed as if he had entered a new dimension in the far future yet he felt like he had gone backwards to an era where people struggled and were not content with their life. 

      I love how you are walking your reader through the development of Tim's perspective-- it is very insightful perspective.

    18. However, something seems different. Why is my neighbour acting quite strange? His body language seems closed off. With his arms across his the central line of his body tightly clasped around one another and a tense handshake once greeted gives Tim a weird vibe. As oddly as this interaction was, Tim did not think too much about it. Maybe it was the neighbour’s personality. Maybe he wasn’t having the best day.

      I was very captivated by this perspective.

    19. A classic lifestyle in the late 1800’s is simply comprised of a small yet cozy cottage amidst the soft green pasture with the wheels of straws resting on the earthen bed. Every morning, the sun would rise and the birds would sing to signal the start of the day. It was simply an old photographic scene of flora and fauna. The day’s events start off with a warm cup of coffee and a hefty breakfast. Followed by feeding his farm animals their daily nutritional meal and cultivating as well as harvesting his crops for his weekly sales. Every Sunday morning around 6am, Tim would go to the local market to sell his products with his fellow friend, Jonathon. This would put a bright white smile on his face as he interacts with his friends and family while providing them with their weekly groceries. In essence, Tim finds a sense of purpose from these early morning Sunday activities. The day would end like every other day. The sun would finally set, spreading its rich blend of orange, red, and purple over the land. He would pack up his things and slowly head home. 

      Great way to start your story. Your description brings it to life.

    1. The Chancellor Alec lives and governs from the “Inner Ring”. In history class we learned that it used to be called the “pentagon” but after the wipeout, the Elites stepped in to save whatever was left of humanity.

      I would like to know more about the rule of the Elites and perhaps how the "Inner Ring" compares to the rest of Altheria.

    2. I’ve known Marc Reider since we were 5. We get assigned into troupes at that age and as a group we do all of our schooling and training together. They decide our jobs for us at that age so we can learn relevant motor skills and information. Those troupes that are lower in number are higher in rank. Troupe 3’s for example have to learn other languages like Syrian and Mandarin for international and foreign affairs. They’re the ones who work with the high-ranking officials and elites to conduct secret business at the capitol. I think there are about 80 troupes in my region. The 80’s have to work in the sewage sector so it really could be much worse for me. Still though, I hate it.

      I was really engaged here.