Good job on your site! I enjoyed reading your essays. I liked how they all had a clear central theme: the song’s significance in marking Michael Jackson’s shift to political messages, which hadn’t been done before in pop. He used his platform to generate discourse around the topic, reaching a wide audience and laying the groundwork for others to use their platform in a similar way years later. I think that this is a wonderful topic, and I also love how you connected this song to current events. In general, your topic sentences and conclusion sentences were strong! Your topic sentences pointed to a very clear direction and often used evocative, descriptive words. I also thought that your conclusion sentences were very well-written. They tied up your paragraphs well, summarizing the main ideas of what you said and making the paragraph feel resolved. However, I did think that there were some points that could have benefitted from more of a transition between paragraphs. Additionally, your vocabulary really stood out. You used a lot of academic words naturally, which made your tone very sophisticated. You are good at conveying your ideas with elegance. However, I think that this may have contributed to a recurring pattern I saw, which was wordiness in your sentences. Some of your sentences were very long, and though they had good content, it made it hard to get through them. When your sentences are so densely packed and informative, it can be difficult to swallow everything you've written, so I suggested breaking it up more. The biggest issue I had as a user was with the structure of your site. I didn't leave any comments on this because I wasn't really sure how to approach, but it heavily impeded the way I navigated through your project. I was confused on where to go, and there didn’t seem to be a clear path. While different options are great, I couldn’t really tell what the options were, and I wasn’t sure if I was missing any content.

Depending on the tone you're going for, it might sound more academic if you said something like "This essay explores how..." or "In the following analysis, we will examine how..."

It seems like "King" should be plural here because you said "one of", indicating that there are multiple.

"I like how you ended with a thought-provoking question about music’s role in social change nowadays. It’s a great way to connect the historical context to the present. I do, however, think the question could be even stronger if you slightly rephrase it to make it more direct. For example, instead of 'How does music continue to influence social change in today?' maybe 'How does music continue to shape social change in America today?'"

It would be cool if you put examples of these here so that the reader could see what they said specifically.

Good transition!

I love the specific and relevant example here.

I really like this sentence. It's clear and concise, uses a good metaphor, and also sort of explains why his messages were diverse without saying "It's diverse because ...."

Changing this might make the sentence feel more active. Depending on the tone you're going for, you might want to consider something a bit stronger, like "came from" or "was rooted in."

I think that for the assignment, we are supposed to put the citations in a different bibliography page instead of in the pages.

Not sure if this is just an issue on my end, but your embedded images are not working correctly.

I like how you are making real-world connections over time, which show that it is relevant even in more recent times. When you start thinking about adding images and embeds, it would be cool if you put something in here that shows an example of media coverage, or if you put a hyperlink to an article about it.

I am not certain if this phrase is necessary. Did you put it in to say that it's a cornerstone among the other songs in the playlist? It also makes the sentence confusing in its syntax.

I like the imagery you make here. I think it would be even cooler if you expanded on this more and painted an even bigger picture.

Formatting question: Are these separate paragraphs? Did you mean to put a line between them? At first, I was a little confused because it switched up from "DNA" to "This is America."

The quote in the middle of the sentence kind of breaks up the flow. I would suggest saying "...confronting systemic racism with raw lyrics like 'I got loyalty, got royalty inside my DNA'" or "with raw lyrics that confront systemic racism, like 'I got loyalty, got royalty inside my DNA.'"

You use great language here (like everywhere else) that is very evocative and descriptive. However, I am a little lost on how the guitar riffs + his delivery shows how he breaks genre boundaries. It seems more like another thing he does alongside breaking genre boundaries, which I think would be clearer if you says "and blends..." instead.

I think you're missing a comma after this phrase.

I get what you're saying here, but it might come across clearer if you italicized "it" so that the reader knows to place the emphasis on that word in their head instead of reading it as a grammatical error.

I really like the language you use for each of your topic sentences with these very active and striking phrases. You do this in the other paragraphs too with "strikes a powerful chord", "echoes Jackson’s call for peace", and so on. They are great topic sentences because they draw the reader in.

This sounds cool and sophisticated, but it also is slightly wordy. You might be able to reword it like "without a chronological timeline."

There seems to be a lot going on in this sentence, and it is a little hard to get through with all the commas. Is there a way you can make it clearer? I would suggest splitting it into two sentences.

I think this is a really good quote. I like how it shows how he looks at Jackson's works as a whole in order to examine his character.

You use a lot of academic language and vocabulary that makes your tone very sophisticated, which is really good!! I've noticed this across all of your writing so far. :)

This sentence feels very dense. It might be able to be broken up into two sentences to enhance readability.

This is in the passive voice. I wonder if it would be more direct and assertive if you converted it to the active voice.

I am a little confused. By outlining what? Is there a way you could make it more clear? Or, is it necessary to say the outlining part, or could you just start the sentence with "Through cultural deconstruction"?

This sentence seems like a little bit of a run-on. I wonder if it would be more readable if you split it up, like: "He argues Jackson’s persona, particularly through “Black Or White,” is a carefully constructed brand designed to provoke moral, racial, and ethical discussions. He even claims that Jackson is “behind an audience he manipulates like a puppeteer” (Silberman 419)."

Also, the syntax in this sentence is a bit hard to follow. Along with my other comment, it might be clearer if you split it into two sentence where you go over the publishing/release information in one sentence and then talk about how he used the song to spread a political message.

I am confused about why you need to specify that it was "this specific recording." It brings a lot of importance to the fact that it was a particular recording, but I am not seeing what was special about it. If it isn't as important, it might be more relaxed if you still say the information about how it is the "Official Video, Shortened Version" in a more casual way, like referencing the recording without drawing too much attention.

This phrase may be more straightforward if you take the word "beneficially" out. I think that you have made it clear that it had a positive impact in the rest of your writing, and it makes this specific sentence a little wordy.

I like this a lot. Talking about using a platform to talk about issues is a very relevant topic, so I think that it's really cool how you are providing some of your own input on this discussion.

This section feels a little disconnected from the paragraph before, which was focused on musical analysis. Do you think it would benefit from more of a transition instead of jumping into the next thing, or do you prefer this way to make a very clear distinction about your topics?

I think this phrase sounds awkward. I think it could be revised to "differs significantly" or "is very different."

I am curious about the conversations about racial identities. Is there a source like an article you could point to? And specifically, what kind of conversations were they?

I think this sentence is wonderfully written. There is a small grammatical error though: I think that in the phrase "...music could, much like rice, can and will..." you can take "could" out. But as for the sentence itself, it does a very good job of summing up your argument and uses good vocabulary. In general, you are really good at writing conclusion sentences.

I like how you are making it clear what your goals are in the project, and I like how you are explaining what is different from what everyone else is doing. It is good because it sets yourself in the context of what everyone else is doing, too.

I love how you made modern connections to the song's message. I think that's important for older music because it shows how their ideas are transformed in recent times.

This is a good conclusion sentence for this paragraph. It sums it up well and there was a lot of evidence to back it up.

I am unsure if this is grammatically correct. To my understanding, you are trying to emphasize the "an American audience" part with the commas as a pause, but I don't think it's working out right now as it is. But, I do like the idea of emphasizing it.

Do you think you could expand on this idea a little bit and explain how it represents the tension? What is tense about the guitar riff?

In the way you structured this sentence, it feels like this phrase interrupts your main point and weakens your topic sentence. I am not sure if it is necessary here, but if you feel the need to mention that it's from the music review, I would suggest finding a way to do it that doesn't make it feel like the center of the sentence.

I'm interested in this, but it feels like it is lacking information. I know you will expand on it later on throughout the project, but is there anything else you can say on it in this introduction to preview what you will talk about?

This is a good comment of criticism on Silberman's analysis. Good job putting your own perspective on it.

I'm confused on how looking at his earlier works proves that he pioneered political activism in pop music. Do his earlier works show that he used to be nonpolitical, or do they show that he was always talking about them? Either way, I feel like the first part of your sentence makes sense with the sentence before, but I don't see a lot of connection to the rest of it because looking at his old works doesn't really prove that no one else was doing the political activism in pop.

I like how you put a specific example here.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading through your site! First off, I thought the way you structured it was perfect. All of your ideas flow together wonderfully, where you first introduced the singer's story, then Dorothy's story, then a significant cover's story, and concluding with your own. The themes are really strong, and I really love how you covered each person's interpretation and went in depth. I do think it would be really cool if you compared some of them, but I also don't think that's necessary. The way you have done it is already super great. The content of the site made your argument very clear: "Over the Rainbow" is great and timeless because it applies to many different people in a personal way that can be adapted to many different situations. I think that analyzing how different people have interpreted it is a perfect way to execute this because you're able to show different personal examples. I also think it works well that you weave in your own interpretation throughout the site, as it makes it very personal and relatable. My general comments on things that could be improved were about adding more transitions, your tone feeling choppy, providing more context (in some areas), and elaborating on ideas that you bring up and then abandon. A lot of my comments were just about how it flowed. For example, sometimes you introduced new ideas that seemed like an abrupt shift from a different topic. Other times, it felt like I was missing information from you. For example, sometimes it felt like there was missing context. Other times, I thought you could talk more about a claim you brought up or a piece of information you threw in by expanding on what you meant or what you were thinking about it.

I think this would be interesting to talk about more.

As a grammar note, I think a comma is supposed to be there to separate the two independent clauses. Like: "Being at Cornell is a dream come true to me, and I am so inspired by what I am learning so far.

I feel like this paragraph doesn't have a lot of transitions between ideas. Like, talking about the movie feels unrelated to the first two sentences.

This was a good choice. It sums your argument up really well, and it is clearly the overarching theme throughout each of your papers.

I like how you make connections between yourself and Dorothy. It really shows that you see the song as more than just the song itself (like how it sounds).

Maybe bringing this up at the start of the paragraph would make the connection clearer.

I think I get what you're saying with this, but it feels sort of out of place. Maybe a transition before that would make it more connected.

This is so cute:)

Your video sounds really cool and inspiring! I really love your ideas and the pictures that you're describing. They seem to perfectly represent your journey and aspirations.

This sentence seems like a run-on. I wonder what it would be like in two sentences or with different transition phrases.

Good argument. It really shows how he added to the already very powerful original song and made it a whole new thing, and it shows why his interpretation, specifically, is deserving of attention.

To me, I wonder if your message would be clearer if you explained how the beauty and love is in this song before you talk about its cultural impacts because they are two different ideas.

I don't see the connection here-- does a song need to be beautiful and loving for it to appeal to many? You provide good evidence that it really did touch a lot of people and its popularity made it significant, but I don't see why the loving aspect of it makes it so. I think it would benefit from explaining how elements of beauty and love made it song popular, rather than just saying that the beauty and love was present in the song and then saying that the song was really popular. You do a really good job of illustrating that it was popular and it was beautiful, but I think that the correlation gets lost.

This feels like a stark contrast to what you say about the meaning of the song. I don't understand how it can evoke love if the previous section seems to be suggesting sadness. I wonder if it would be more clear if you elaborate on this sentiment immediately instead of later?

This is a really powerful quote and it makes really cool connections between the movie and real life.

I love the context you're providing here.

I like how you broke it up into sections. It enhances the clarity of your point and makes it easy to follow.

I am a little confused by this. I wonder if it would be better if this information was in sentence form like the rest of your page as a sort of introduction/context paragraph.

Again, I think this is really powerful, and I wonder if it would make the song stand out more if you put this point before talking about the context about the production of the song.

I love that you incorporated a song that has a different musical sound! I think that with a topic like yours, it's really cool to explore how the theme presents itself in different genres.

The title of the song makes it connected, but you seem to put a different connection in there too: the optimism in "Rainbow" that Dorothy finds during the story through her friends. So I'm wondering if talking about that optimism would be good at the start, because starting with the title makes it appear a little surface level when you actually have a lot more interesting things to say.

At this point, it feels to me like the first few songs reiterate the same point--you have made it clear that she wants a change. I am curious about Elphaba's perspective, where she wants to specifically change herself. Did Dorothy have a similar experience? Or is the only thing connecting them that they want a happier future? If the latter is true, then what sets this song apart from "A Million Dreams?"

I really think it's cool how you're thinking of these songs through Dorothy's eyes. It makes this playlist really come alive.

This is cool! I like how it expresses a question that you are trying to answer with this playlist because it is something for readers to keep in mind.

At the end, I left a comment about how you might benefit from concluding with a more story-like ending about her evolved perspective. Maybe this could be that?

I like how clearly you wrote this out. It makes the sequence of the journey very clear.

I think that the conclusion might be even better if you connected it back to the wonderful prose you made at the start about Dorothy in the movie. Maybe a scene about her appreciating herself? It would just tie things up and feel like a warm happy conclusion.

I love how you used the movie to paint a picture for your introduction. It does a great job of pulling the reader in by appealing to their imagination.

This is a good quote that you chose. I like how the reader gets to know about what happened to her in life with clear events instead of just an abstract idea of "hardships."

I like how you first summarized the text and then reviewed it at the end. It makes your comments stand out and they are clear.

Good criticism. I like how you said it makes the text dense because that is a pretty significant aspect that can make writing really confusing.

Cool quote. The prose here is evocative, so I think it was a good choice.

These few sentences sum the argument up nicely.

How did these things change? Did tempo get slower or quicker? How did she change her phrasing, and how did it change the meaning of her song? And so on.

You mentioned at the end that the author of the source you were analyzing didn't adequately explain musical terms and can be unclear to readers who are not as familiar with musical terminology. I think that can also be applied here with perhaps a short explanation of what the terms you put out here mean.

Sorry, I know I'm annotating on this specific part a lot, but I am just generally confused by it. It doesn't feel related to the part about Garland as a gay icon. Would it be more relevant to the part about her experiences and how they shine through in her interpretation of how the song should be performed?

I think it would add a lot if you put some recordings in here too with an embedded video. If you had her original and then one from years later to provide a heavy contrast, I think it would help the reader to see and understand what changed.

Also, I feel like it is unclear. Are you referring to jazz performances of artists making covers or are you referring to jazz performances that involve Judy Garland? If it's the first, I'm wondering why it is in this page that is discussing Judy Garland's personal experiences with the song.

Is there more to be elaborated on here? It sounds interesting, but I think if this is relevant to what you want to say, it may benefit from you elaborating more on it.. like, how did jazz interpretations differ?

I'm confused about why you refer to the author as "the author." Is the name of the person who wrote it not disclosed in the paper?

Just a note with scalar, if you want it to say "Continue to ____" and not have the contents on every page, you can start the path on the cover page and put in all the pages you want in the linear path. I don't know if this was your intention of course, but I just thought I would mention it because I had my site set up like this too and I thought the other way fit better for my goals. :)

Again, I love the personal element that you've put into this project. It really illustrates that this song means a lot to you personally, and I think that goes really well with your argument that people love the song because they relate to it in different ways and that it's a universal message that can be applied in different ways.

I like the title! It sounds like your playlist is really cool, and I like how you are going to focus on Dorothy specifically. I'm excited to read it.

I think it might be helpful for you to provide a little bit of context on who IZ is. I appreciate how you talk about the significance of the cover and I'm sure you talk about him as an individual a lot more in the pages that you describe here, but a short phrase that introduces him might help a lot.

This is really cool! The metaphor here is perfect. I love the set-up it provides for the next paragraph. I do wonder if you could add a sentence after as a transition.

I like how you begin the whole project by talking about how the song is iconic and beloved. I think it's good to frame it in this way at the beginning.

I appreciate how you discussed the personal significance of the song to you. I hadn't considered doing this for my own song, so I find it really interesting (in a good way) to read why you chose this song.

I think that this is great!! On one hand, I am curious about what was magical about it to you and wonder if you could elaborate, but on the other hand, I feel like you might not have to do that because I feel like using the word "magical" does sum it up nicely anyways. So this is more of a comment that you might use to determine if you want to make the reader see the magic you saw, or if you want to leave it up as something more abstract for them to interpret on their own. I think both works :)

I like how you start off by presenting the evidence that the song was very important to many people because I think it sets the part up where you explain why/how it touched a lot of people wonderfully. It makes the reader wonder what it is about the song that made it special, which I think is great!

While I do like the idea and the wording you used, I feel like it comes across as slightly choppy to me because of the quotes being split off, so I am wondering how it might sound if you did a whole quote together instead of having it be broken up.