I always thought cities being without internet was so crazy and that it would never work or get done in politics. You know my brother and sister called me once asking me if I had anything to do with the disconnection and I honestly responded that I did not. Maybe I did though.
i like that he is realizing this
As usual, Eric picked up his phone basically hitting his speed dial. Thomas on the other line quickly said, “Let me guess you just watched the President’s speech?”
very in voice with eric's character to do this
The researchers at the university have utilized the unused data wires and server units to manufacture possible atom transportation via classical forms of communication. In past trials from years ago at other universities, quantum entanglement was a problem.
this is cool
There was no traffic on the roads and the air quality was outstanding. Trash was rarely seen on the ground; as people walked to and from their homes, work, school, restaurants, and stores they paid attention to their surroundings and kept their city clean.
what led to this
It started with Mr. Richards who was in the middle of a meeting. His screen cut off. Immediately everyone else looked at him as he cursed and frantically typed on his keyboard
i could imagine him doing this
Mark simply responded as he has been taught, “I work at the pleasure of the President.”
i think this adds a lot to mark's character. he is very committed to his job and pushes his own values aside to follow orders. seems like a solider
Thomas had realized through the close interactions he was having with other students what the internet meant for the world. Just because everyone used it and seemed to like it, didn’t mean it was good for them.
a key element of your story. glad you stated this out loud
The youngest of the scouting unit, going by the name of Thomas, had “grown up” using the planet’s learning centers called schools. He realized that the global communication radiation was called “The Internet” and the vast mobile phone communication system were the cause of their unsuccessful departure. Thomas like the other three members of the scouting party set out to find a way to stop this communication so they could return home and report their great results. While within one of country’s major cities he had a dream about where and what he needed to do and what was possibly going to happen.
this is really in voice with the aliens and their agenda. i like how you phrased it too. sounds like something an alien would narrate
The universe is a very large place, however for a specific race of extraterrestrial beings with technology well ahead of the Earth’s, travel is quick. This particular species’ current home is running out of resources to sustain themselves. These beings need a new home due to their very long-life span and have sent out many scouting units to locate new home. One particular ship was assigned to enter Galaxy 33 and in there, the scouting unit found that the third rock from the sun matched their desired planetary requirements. They were told by their superiors to land on any habitable planet and “blend in” with that society. Their entry into the atmosphere and landing was very rough due to some unknown source of radiation. They were supposed to stay on the planet for five cycles or ten of the local dominating species’ years. With their successful analysis of the planet and its atmosphere they knew this would be the place their species would come to live. However, when they attempted to leave in their spacecraft, they found that the current global communication network currently in place around the plant prevented them from leaving. Years have passed and the members of this scouting unit have become a part of society waiting for the perfect time and place to remove the one thing in their way.
love this intro. very good introduction to the aliens of the story. last time they came outta nowhere
Thomas asked, “Based on where everyone is, how will we get together and be able to leave?”The commander emphasized that it will have to be done quickly and they’ll have to use some of their more powerful resources to accomplish it.
i like that this was explained in more detail than in your first draft.
I have to tell you something. I have been working on a sort of project of my own, and it is coming together now quite quickly. My collaborators on it inform me that it too will be a success soon enough.”
awww he was gonna tell him
believe
believed
Anthony left Julia yet again without an itch to tell the story.
this sentence sounds a little funky
The thought that she would lose what little internet she had left with the new President’s plan pushed her further into hopelessness.
i enjoy the character of julia, and i think she provides valuable insight into what many americans are like regarding technology
High rates of both consumption and production in all of our sectors have resulted in a 12% increase in our total GDP
i really love that u included economics it makes me smile
Crime still occurred but very rarely since the punishment for such was so great
whatre the punishments i wanna know
“I’m sure this is just a temporary thing,” Thomas continued, “There is no way for the entire country to lose the internet.”
is he playing dumb or did he really not know
Eric got up, said goodbye to his family, and headed back to the university.
you should give eric a dog. maybe a corgi, but i feel like eric is more of a beagle kinda guy
desperately needed
i like this word choice, its quite ironic because technology isnt a necessity but people have come to be helpless without it
Everyone only ever cared about getting likes and more notable status on all their accounts and pages. Opinions of others was recognized as opportunity to argue and fight digitally over any topic imaginable
sad but true
Mark Gray holds the position of deputy secretary of the Department of Homeland Security.
I am glad that Mark now has an introduction and it is more explained who he is
My mind must have drifted into the thoughts of some human, this Eric person
good introduction of eric!!
The University of Oakley – September 2020Eric is in his second year at the University of Oakley
the story flows so much better now!!! i am so proud of the progress your story has made
I think I might study architecture I guess.”
this made me laugh he sounds so reluctant about it lol
Thomas’ Dream
this is a really cool concept, i like that he's having a dream
Prologue – Sometime before the 21st Century
retweet on what payton said about being excited for the timeline!!!
Only a mile away from the beach, they could already see the crowds gathered around the stage. Hundreds of thousands of people we're gathered there waiting for them. For them! The nerves sparked within her and she hugged her family tight for support. They loved her! It would be fine.
this is really cute and very in voice to lairen
It was crazy to Lairen that even after years of physically being one of the leaders of the free world, she was still shocked to see her name in the papers or on the news.
i think this is really in voice for lairen.
By 12:00 o'clock sharp, Lairen had hand placed at least 300 recipe books into the bands of the citizens of Washington DC.
very in voice for lairen's character. i think this was really nice of her to do
knowing their culture,
what was their culture like? is this just reflective of their eating habits
By threatening exile, they could rid the society of those who could be considered anarchist, or just the ones who were likely to always oppose them.
i think this might be a little out of voice for lairen. her even understanding this thought seems really extreme for her character
“Furthermore, in the same way we must treat our bodies right for them to function properly and support us, we must regard the environment with the same ideology
this is a cool connection between the two topics (the environment and peoples bodies), but i feel like since the focus of the story is mainly on the health of the people, it might be a little out of voice
he recognized that in order to make the changes she found true to herself, she needed to step out of her comfort zone and act in ways she normally wouldn’t. Her passive nature must be pushed to the back burner, at least while she was doing things like standing in front of the country. Regardless, she felt it did seem to take a toll on her mental health.
i feel like this is a very interesting character development for lairen. I always thought she was super headstrong in her ways, but it seems that she is sacrificing that. I guess it makes sense though because she is very caring of others
“This must be that Lairen you’ve been talking about!”, resulting in a red-faced Xavier. He was quick to explain that he was just talking about the group in general, not just her, but if anything, it just amused Lairen that he was clearly talking about her, and to see him fumble when he normally was so head strong.
i think this is a really interesting and alternative view of xaviers character. i think it's a little out of voice for him, but i like that you included it
Heart disease and strokes occurred on both sides of her family, as well as high blood pressure and a history of skin cancer on her mother’s side. In fact, her mother had just suffered a stroke last week which has landed her thousands of dollars in debt and with no job, so the issue was particularly sensitive right now
i think this gives extremely valuable insight into Lairen's character. It definitely helps me understand her actions later on in the story. I think this is very in voice with Lairen's values.
Plus, Xavier was dying to do it and she could never say no to him.
sometimes its good to say no because then they dont feel like they can walk all over you hahahaha
And every person deserves to feel that way
damn right
can't be taught or enforced. For example, expressing your gratitude.
another example: treating your girlfriend like u love her before she gets tired of feeling unwanted and dips
comma
comma
Today is the last day junk food can be purchased
im eating starburst jellybeans while reading this and it made me feel guilty
It can be so hard without someone to guide you.
this sounds odd to me
She would do anything to feel this again
i felt that
legalized by Xavier for this purpose only, but still gruesome for Lairen.
again, what about congress
Where Xavier was pushy, head strong, and assertive, Lairen was much more passive and gentler in her ways.
what if xavier was the gentle one and cried a lot
“In addition to this, it is becoming a requirement that each citizen must participate in 30 minutes of exercise a day, as well as receive a full eight consecutive hours of rest each night.
just curious, did they alter the constitution to make this possible? if so, wouldnt they also need the support of congress, who isnt controlled by healthment
sprinkled with poster
sprinkled with posters
with hesitation
why with hesitation
loaded up her food and laptop into the front of her bike
howd she fit food for 300 people in her bike
debated on her outfit about 10 times.
it could be bc my view is being blocked by the fat tears in my eyes but i read this as she deleted her outfit
she felt a weird gaze on the back of her head.
creepy
reflect on their days and express what they are grateful for
my day was kinda shitty and im grateful for my dog sadie who i wish i could see but she lives 495703 miles away
Tossing her bag of nourishment over her shoulder,
didnt she carefully arrange it like two minutes ago tho oop
Instinctively, she threw the chicken in the oven and started chopping the potatoes and Brussel sprouts. In just under half an hour she had a nicely assembled chicken with roasted vegetables and was ready to go.
im kinda surprised she isnt vegan
click
quick
which decreases
i think "to decrease" might sound better maybe
havoc being reeked on it
i dont know why, but this sounds weird. i feel like it's proper english, it just sounds funky
This story was really enjoyable to read. It was cohesive and easy to follow throughout the entire story. I like the actual content of your story too. I really couldn’t find much to critique, other than the fact that there were a lot of small grammatical and spelling errors. It also seemed like you may have been using talk to text at some point hahah. There were a few sentences that I thought were worded a little weird, that I had to really think about to understand what you were trying to say. Based on the actual content, I think your story is great. It all made sense, and I enjoyed reading it.
I did find that I was curious about Lairen’s childhood, so if you wanted to include some backstory on that, it would be cool. I can’t think of anything other than that to add. Good job 😊
and the earth is proud to be
the earth is proud to be what
coty
what
twelve thousand words
i see what u did here
believes
beliefs
a place of good
a good place would sound better
her
she
she had truly evolved not only first her city, but then even America and finally herself.
i think this could be reworded to make it more clear.
and nothing less then a biodegradable Cup
this phrase is a teeny bit funky
it,
this comma doesn't need to be here
Flour, eggs vegetables seasoning and other delicious
this is missing a lot of commas
laren and xavior
Lairen and Xavier
under the kitchen
was this meant to say under?
two
too
health meant
Healthment
we're
were
minimized two only occurring one required
i really tried to understand this but i just couldnt im sorry
comma
hahahah
n
N
an
and :)
In no time comma the books
anhcjblfdakvbsAO did you TALK TO TYPE THIS
A few couple hours
hahahahahah a few couple
cooking was not something done. Ever.
wait so they didnt cook at all?
taking
taking it :)
Especially, if
I dont think the comma needs to be there
American’s,
Americans :)
good
food :)
good
food :)
been. In contact
i think this was meant to be one sentence
Today is the last day junk food can be purchased instead of replenishing the energy stores we need.
i could just be stupid but this sentence doesnt make sense to me
official couple
like dating?
miss cared
mistreated might be a better word
negative and sad thoughts
does she have a dark past that we dont know about
It can be so hard without someone to guide you.
is this saying her mother is her guide?
could do something this rewarding instead
i feel like probably not everyone has the resources, opportunities, and connections that Lairen had in the story, which may be why they turn to drugs. Also, not everyone has the same mindset and mental health as Lairen. Nothing needs to be changed, its just something to think about. It makes Lairen sound a little naive in my opinion.
Since then, she is now in the best shape of her life
im surprised she had that drastic of a change in the short amount of time since the law was passed
they were both in the shower
ummm I hope they were in different showers
him two
was this meant to say "him with two"
“I love our friendship, and together we can do anything Xavier”
payton i love you and this story is great so far but this made me CRINGE
onto
i feel like this word doesnt really fit here
For whatever reason, they seemed to be the type to finish each other’s sentences they were so in sync
this could be split into two sentences
silently pumped the air
what does this mean
Fellow Healthment workers she recognized gave her thumbs up
so did they reverse their stance on her going out without protection then?
collective unified
collectively unified :)
technically shouldn’t leave without some kind of perfection
is this supposed to read "technically you shouldn't leave without some kind of protection"?
were
we're :)
and we chose to remind you of their waterproof properties
this sounds a little funky
how much it will feel
what do you mean by "how much it will feel"
thinks
things
He said taken a rest back
i think this should be reworded
finally exile
oof uhh thats tuff
other leadership members
what other members
c
C
The fact that the government takeover had actually occurred, was in all honesty the government’s own fault.
whAt government takeover what
the door
was it like just one door? did they open it together? did one of them hold it open for the other? i feel like normally itd be like maybe two doors but i mean if u want just one door then i support u
out
our :)
experience
experienced :)
bumping into each other with silent looks
not necessary, but i think this would sound better if it was changed to "Bumping into each other and exchanging silent looks..."
ever
every :)
Meeting One- AgendaMain goal-Plan to make this a weekly occurance!Discuss the importance of our valuesHow can we expand our beliefs onto the community?Starting steps
there is a random box here was that an accident
Lairen
Lairen's :)
Fast forwarding back to today
I dont think this phrase is needed. Maybe its just me, but jumps in time like this confuse the heck out of me and it took me like 4 minutes to understand what day it was lol
most favorite
I dont think most favorite is legal english
Lairen
Lairen's :)
The development, and as Lairen always had in the back of her mind- a lack of regard for the environment, in the city now left the area lacking the earthy richness it possessed years ago.
the structure of this sentence kinda confused me. if there is one hyphen, shouldnt there be two?
covered with rejected outfits and she had on her running shoes and an outfit to match accordingly.
hahahaha mood
After her daily errands, it was finally time for the meeting
It wouldn't be necessary, but if you want, making it clear that this is the next week might not be a bad idea. It took me a hot sec to pick up on that for some reason. I could just be stupid tho
t
T
With a smile Xavier hugged her extra tight before shutting the door behind her and heading home.
this chapter was really well written
“This must be that Lairen you’ve been talking about!”, resulting in a red-faced Xavier.
NISHAN
you
you.
So there’s this other group I’m apart of and I know you’re busy with your mom and all, but I think you would really enjoy it.
i was really expecting him to kiss her and im glad he didnt cuz i wouldve been like blehhhh
Out of all the members of Health nut, he was by far her favorite. Something about the way he went about things really spoke to her. He was so fiery about expressing what he believed in, in a way that completely juxtaposed her gentle nature.
are they gonna fall in love or what
Lairen often became stressed for those around her, even though she had no control.
I feel like this sentence is unfinished. Maybe adding "over the actions of others" to the end of it or something like that.
Instead,
I don't think this word makes sense here
She was new
I'm a little unclear about what she is new to
end of it it
"end of it, it ..." :)
“Hello Miss Dorothy!” Lairen said with a smile, this one lady was truly one of her favorite people in her life, and Miss Dorothy felt the same
this could be split into two different sentences
The barn is her sanctuary and embodies everything she values in life. As you approach it, you’re greeted by the authentic wood and its smooth edges which seem to show the hard work that went into assembling the structure. The giant glass windows invite the sunshine and nature in, warming the building and creating a welcoming feeling and the roof is lined with the sleek solar panels which keep the place running without harm to the environment. Right before you enter, you have to pass through the garden out front. The little pathway leading to the door is weaves through the tomatoes, basil, and cabbage, and the path is lined with overgrown native flowers. The smell of the earth is prominent, and the only audible sounds are the bees which buzz around the area, flower to flower, plant to plant.
this is a really pretty description i want to go here
portioned
"enormous portioned burgers" sounds a little odd, in my opinion "enormous burgers" would sound better.
have air quality levels which do not exceed poor
i think this would sound better if you just said "poor air quality levels"
In exception
This phrase sounds a little funky lol. Maybe a better way to word it would be "Although the environmental well being increases every decade or so, the overall state of the environment has experienced drastic decreases."
profit motivated governing system
I think further explaining this would be helpful, as I'm a little unclear on what this actually means about the government and how it works.
The environment has varied over the past century, experiencing peaks during the global viral pandemics which occur on average nearly every 15 years.
Just so I'm clear, does this mean that every time there is a virus, the enviornment improves?
I think that the biggest piece of advice I have that would make this story more cohesive would be to go back through it and alter the timeline a bit. I often noticed that the storyline jumped around, and it was really hard for me to understand when everything was happened. In addition to that, sometimes all of a sudden, the story would say like “one year has passed” and time would jump forward. I noticed myself wanting those gaps in time to be filled in a bit better. In other places, you jumped backwards in time a bit, and those spots were also a little hard to follow. I think that maybe arranging the story in chronological order would add some clarity to the areas I was confused by.
Another thing that I think may help to make the story more easily readable would be to alter some of the sentence structures throughout the story. I noticed a lot of run on sentences and places that should have had commas. I think that maybe reading the story out loud would be a helpful way to know how to edit the sentences in a way that makes them more readable.
I know that in the email you sent Payton and I, you said that you couldn’t meet the minimum word requirement. In my comments throughout the story, I pointed out several places that I think you could provide more details in. Adding more to these sections would make the story more cohesive, as well as help you to increase your word count. I also think that if you added to these sections, the timeline of the story would be more clear, and it would seem less choppy overall.
I really enjoy the concept you chose to write this story about. I was really invested in the story and honestly, I would kinda like to see what would happen if cities like that existed in real life. The aliens added a fun twist to the storyline. Overall, I think you did a good job. 😊
Drones are everywhere monitoring all human population activity. Technology has not advanced to any point that benefits humans. Most new “inventions” are for the benefit of the Aliens who are now inhabiting the planet.Each human was implanted with a chip allowing communication from the aliens which also controlled any behavior. Everyone in the world is connected into one network where each individual is sent notifications and instructions for how to operate in daily life by the alien leadership.
this is a huge plot twist
unbeknownst to Mayor Eric Richards, forces were keeping his city from being taken over and destroyed even as he was being compliant.
Thomas is helping him omg bff goals. payton if youre reading this i would do this for u
invading
invaded :)
Eric immediately woke up and realized that he was dreaming and couldn’t get over how real the dream had felt.
whAt
Later that night Eric met with Thomas at their favorite spot in the Oakley
awhhhh nooo bffs are split up :( i hope eric goes with him
telepathic link
that is so cool
their
there :)
We have tried to slow the rate of the city disconnect rogue programming without success
why do they want it to slow down?
new plan
is it a whole other plan? not the one that has been discussed throughout the story?
its one-year anniversary celebration of disconnection
ohhhh the parade was to celebrate
start of the parade
i am confused this parade seems to come out of nowhere
it does not bother me at all.
what doesn't bother him?
official celebration of the one year anniversary
didn't you say that it is now a couple of years later? i think the timeline is a little off
A month later the roadblocks, protests and general pressure had been converted to its same magnitude in the form of positive support
how did this happen? was it overnight or was it more of a process?
now
know :)
every
ever :)
Eric won the election easily and started his term as Mayor
if you need to up the word count, you could include details about how eric's campaign went
believe
believed :)
Thomas
i am dying to hear more about the aliens
A year later however the city came back online
how and why did this happen? I wanna know more about it
Julia was intrigued by Anthony’s discovery.
this whole section was really entertaining and well-written.
Ther would make her famous
what
Eric replied, “It was kind of sudden. The job came out of no where and I knew I had to just say yes.”
did they like call eric or something? i'm confused as to how he suddenly appeared in this scene
So starting off with the economy. It is booming. High rates of both consumption and production have caused a 12% increase in our total GDP
lol i love that you managed to include economics in this paper. classic charles move
but
i think this would make more sense if it was because
A story about new baby animals that were born at the Oakley Zoo
omg awh
People seemed to be actually communicating with other at bus stops and at street corners as they waited for the light to change. There was no traffic on the roads and the air quality was outstanding. Trash was rarely seen on the ground because as people walked to and from their homes, work, school, restaurants, and stores they paid attention to their surroundings and kept their city clean.
yay progress!!
with other
is this meant to say "with each other"?
He walked into the office and was directed to the Mayor’s office.
wait so what office was he directed to at first? i am confused
in the office
in what office?
About six months later Eric was finishing his degree, Oakley lost all of its internet connection.
I think if this read "about six months later, Eric was finishing his degree and Oakley..." it would be more clear
We believe you would be a great fit for this role and believe you will do the country proud
what makes Mark a great fit?
“This city will be the only city cut off from the internet but they will be made to believe that the entire country has lost their internet connection.
ooooooh sneaky I like this
Madam President
okay nevermind i am just dumb, she's the president of the whole country lol
Today unknown to Mark he was going to get a promotion.
I think if this read "today, unknown to Mark, he was..." it would be more clear.
President Seeley’s
wait i thought it was president Somedia? Or is this the previous president? i might just be dumb
It came
what came?
With the end of the speech
You should include details about the speech! I'm interested to hear about it more.
While within one of country’s major cities he had a dream about where and what he needed to do, kind of like a prophecy.
You should write about his dream! I'm really interested to read about it. Also, these two paragraphs are really good!
Thomas, who has now moved into government himself as the Deputy Director for Transportation and Security Administration.
I think this sentence could be reworded to be more clear.
disconnect this city
it this supposed to read "disconnect, this city"?
Two years later Thomas was walking through the newly reconstructed Mt. Dora with the Mayor seeing his plans in the works all around him.
Providing details about the actual construction of the city would be cool!
The presentation went over smoothly boosted by the brief discussion on the lack of internet
if you need more words, you could go more in depth about the presentation.
Thomas had visions of the perfect city that fostered connections and communication directly between individual to individual, all without the internet or social media
this is such a cute idea i would like to live in a city like this
The universe is a very large place, however for beings with technology well ahead of the Earth, travel is quick.
THERE ARE ALIENS YES
that they would
that they would what?
It must be time for the rest of us to come to Earth.
wait are they ALIENS
A couple weeks had gone by and the country was still without internet.
I am really interested to know how the country reacted to this loss in internet. Maybe adding more details about that would be helpful :)
There is no one for the entire country to lose the internet.
What do you mean by "there is no one for the entire country.."?
When he got to Thomas
If you need to up the word count, you could include details on how Eric was able to find Thomas/ his travel to find Thomas
want
wanted :)
Mrs. Richards always responded in the brief to lengthy chats,
This confused me a bit. I think maybe it could be worded differently to make more sense. Like "Mrs. Richards chimed into Eric and Anthony's chat" or something like that
Eric would stated simply.
I think this could be reworded
wanted a new phone just because and so he wouldn’t be left out.
I think that this would make more sense if it said either "wanted a new phone just because he didn't want to be left out" or "Wanted a new phone so he wouldn't be left out"
Mr. Richards never took the time to really pull away from his computer but knew, with a phone, his one daughter would leave him alone to keep working.
this made me :(
their
there :)
Phones were aimed directly at the two kids and the cake as they were held there waiting to try to capture that perfect moment. Post after post was sent out without a care of who even saw it. Everyone only ever cared about getting likes and more notable status on all their accounts and pages.
This is so sad but so true
I’ll support you if no one else does.
Okay 1) This is adorable, 2)I am already heavily invested in their friendship and I want them to be best friends forever and 3)I really liked reading through their conversation, it had some really cool ideas in it
that
that's :)