. Grooming can be difficult to distinguish from romance. The slow process of building trust and establishing secrecy as normal can make it hard for both victims and victims' acquaintances to recognize grooming for what it is. If you feel you may be that victim, or that someone you know is, “one thing to look out for is [an] insistence to meet” on the part of the groomer, Marlowe Garrison says. “Groomers are spending a lot of time and money on building that relationship, and they can see their progress [through meetings].” Groomers' desire to see their victim exceeds the excitement that might be expected of someone in a new romantic relationship and crosses over into guilting and threats. And even if they're unsure about a groomer's intentions, a victim will often "have this instinctual feeling that something’s not right,” Michael says. “[With] romance, you’re not going to have a feeling that you’ve been taken advantage of, or you’re doing something to pay back someone. [Romance is] a mutual feeling; and in a grooming circumstance, it’s not really a mutual feeling." Marlowe Garrison says to look out for certain signs if you're concerned someone you know might be a victim, including alcohol or drug use, nightmares, changes in diet or exercise patterns, insomnia, disordered eating, anxiety, a withdrawn nature, bedwetting (in kids), risk-taking, acting inappropriately sexual for their age, and self-harm or suicidal tendencies.

4. Secrecy is a common characteristic of grooming. Typically, groomers try to keep relationships with victims extremely private from the very beginning, Marlowe Garrison says. “Secrecy is developed early on for non-sexual aspects of the relationships,” he says. In his beach glass example, for instance, he says the groomer might say, “Let’s not tell anyone where you got the beach glass, because I only have but so much. If others find out about it, there won’t be any left for your growing collection!” Excuses for keeping interactions private can make victims feel flattered and special, and therefore inclined to keep these interactions secret. As the relationship continues, Marlowe Garrison says the groomer will actively try to separate the victim, both physically and emotionally, from people who may be “watchful [or] helpful” to the victim. “After the physical relationship is established, there is more secrecy and even shame, threats, [or] force to control the relationship from there,” he says. Isolating the victim from their support networks makes it easier for the groomer to maintain control, a tactic that Michael says is common in any cult-like situation: “The more they can cut off other people [who] are close [with the victim], the more power they have over that person, because they’re not going to have as much outside influence.”

Once the offender has fulfilled promises and put on a show of trustworthiness, they'll start asking for things back — but again, moving very slowly. “It usually starts with a [non-sexual] favor,” Michael says. “So the [victim] doesn’t really know what’s going on, but then it slowly turns into more of a sexual exchange. It can start out with a simple kiss; it can start out with a touch. The whole idea of the grooming is it’s a slow process and that’s why, psychologically, [it] can be so damaging — especially if the [victim] is young because they don’t always know what they’re falling into.”

3. Perpetrators use favors and promises to build trust. Initial friendliness typically encourages the victim to let down their guard and think of the perpetrator as a mentor, benefactor, romantic interest, or friend. And then, “once [the victim's] guard is down, the [perpetrator] will do them a favor,” Michael says. “They’ll do something for [the victim] so that the person feels indebted to them to a certain extent.” Marlowe Garrison says those favors are often small and unassuming to start. “It can be as simple as keeping a promise,” he says. “[Like], ‘I heard you like beach glass. I have three pieces I can give you. I’ll leave them on my porch tomorrow, and you can get them after I go to work,’” Marlowe Garrison says. Offenders also, Marlowe Garrison notes, “insert themselves into the daily life of the victim,” for example by attending events that the victim’s own family or friends aren’t able to attend because of other commitments.

2. It often starts with friendship. Groomers don’t jump right into abuse, which is often sexual; they begin with building a friendship. “It’ll be in a way where they get to know the [victim] well enough where they find out what they like,” Dawn Michael, PhD, a sexuality counselor, tells Allure. “Let’s say somebody is on Snapchat or...Instagram — [the offender] can pick up some of the things that [the victim] is posting. That’s why, especially for young teens or even young adults, they have to be aware of the information they’re putting out there, because someone can get this information and use it to befriend them; and that’s kind of how it starts.” Michael notes that the groomer will look for various ways to get in the victim’s favor, which could be bringing up interests they express on their social media channels, name-dropping mutual — or supposedly mutual — acquaintances, or emphasizing their own influence or power.

1. Anyone can be a victim. No one is immune to grooming, though some are more susceptible than others — including minors, "because of their naiveté,” Marlowe Garrison says. “[Grooming] can occur at any age, and it has a great deal to do with gullibility, insecurity, religion, and culture. [...] It starts by targeting a vulnerable person, then building trust.”

“Grooming is the slow, methodical, and intentional process of manipulating a person to a point where they can be victimized,” Eric Marlowe Garrison, a sex counselor and author, tells Allure. “After [the perpetrators] find their targets, they then gain trust and move in from there.” Here’s what you need to know about grooming.

Inevitably, at some point during a traumatic experience, fear kicks in. When it does, it is no longer the prefrontal cortex running the show, but the brain’s fear circuitry – especially the amygdala. Once the fear circuitry takes over, it – not the prefrontal cortex – controls where attention goes. It could be the sound of incoming mortars or the cold facial expression of a predatory rapist or the grip of his hand on one’s neck. Or, the fear circuitry can direct attention away from the horrible sensations of sexual assault by focusing attention on otherwise meaningless details. Either way, what gets attention tends to be fragmentary sensations, not the many different elements of the unfolding assault. And what gets attention is what is most likely to get encoded into memory.

These advances in our understanding of the impact of trauma on the brain have enormous implications for the criminal justice system. It is not reasonable to expect a trauma survivor – whether a rape victim, a police officer or a soldier – to recall traumatic events the way they would recall their wedding day. They will remember some aspects of the experience in exquisitely painful detail. Indeed, they may spend decades trying to forget them. They will remember other aspects not at all, or only in jumbled and confused fragments. Such is the nature of terrifying experiences, and it is a nature that we cannot ignore.

Our understanding of the altered functioning of the brain in traumatic situations is founded on decades of research, and as that research continues, it is giving us a more nuanced view of the human brain “on trauma.” Recent studies suggest that the hippocampus goes into a super-encoding state briefly after the fear kicks in. Victims may remember in exquisite detail what was happening just before and after they realized they were being attacked, including context and the sequence of events. However, they are likely to have very fragmented and incomplete memories for much of what happens after that.

The brain’s fear circuitry also alters the functioning of a third key brain area, the hippocampus. The hippocampus encodes experiences into short-term memory and can store them as long-term memories. Fear impairs the ability of the hippocampus to encode and store “contextual information,” like the layout of the room where the rape happened. Fear also impairs its ability to encode time sequencing information, like whether the perpetrator ripped off a shirt before or after saying “you want this.” Our

First, let’s consider the prefrontal cortex. This part of our brain is responsible for “executive functions,” including focusing attention where we choose, rational thought processes and inhibiting impulses. You are using your prefrontal cortex right now to read this article and absorb what we’ve written, rather than getting distracted by other thoughts in your head or things going on around you. But in states of high stress, fear or terror like combat and sexual assault, the prefrontal cortex is impaired – sometimes even effectively shut down – by a surge of stress chemicals. Most of us have probably had the experience of being suddenly confronted by an emergency, one that demands some kind of clear thinking, and finding that precisely when we need our brain to work at its best, it seems to become bogged down and unresponsive. When the executive center of the our brain goes offline, we are less able to willfully control what we pay attention to, less able to make sense of what we are experiencing, and therefore less able to recall our experience in an orderly way.

The officer’s reaction is not a result of poor training. It’s his brain reacting to a life-threatening situation just the way it is supposed to—just the way the brain of a rape victim reacts to an assault. In the aftermath, the officer may be unable to recall many important details. He may be uncertain about many. He may be confused about many. He may recall some details inaccurately. Simultaneously, he will recall certain details – the things his brain focused on – with extraordinary accuracy. He may well never forget them. All of this, too, is the human brain working the way it was designed to work.

A door opens and a police officer is suddenly staring at the wrong end of a gun. In a split second, his brain is hyper-focused on that gun. It is very likely that he will not recall any of the details that were irrelevant to his immediate survival: Did the shooter have a moustache? What color was the shooter’s hair? What was the shooter wearing?