86 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2017
    1. The bio has a lot of great information, especially on Mina Loy. However, you could use some reorganization. There is information at the end that belongs earlier in the biography, and it's hard to see the focus and structure of the biography. You have a really great start here, and I can see that you've done a fair amount of research!

    2. Mina Loy compared the painting to Oelze saying she was waiting for it to light up at any moment.

      Good!

    3. She said that his canvas, “Expectation” haunted her as there was speculation of an affair between the two.

      You already talked about Expectation. Why is this so late in the bio?

    4. Mina Loy, according to, The Art World Online, became romantically involved with Oelze from 1932-193.

      You need this information way earlier

    5. As Oelze dealt with starvation he was uncomfortable in his own body and therefore it is reflected in his art such as in “In one of the Fallowing Years” which, “depicts a female colossus staring at the viewer, small homunculus apparitions covering her body.”

      This seems out of place. Revise this sentence

    6. Their relationship is discussed when talking about his mental illnesses including semi-starvation, poverty, and isolation.

      Their relationship or his mental state? Confusing

    7. Loy wrote her daughter a description of Richard’s famous painting as a “gigantic back of a commonplace woman looking at the sky,” which shows that Loy had a different perception of this art than Oelze, who focused on all the people in the painting rather than solely the woman.

      Connect this back to the painting in the novel

    8. ntimate details of Loy and Oelze are represented in her novel

      what do you mean by intimate?

    9. which shows that Loy had a different perception of this art than Oelze, who focused on all the people in the painting rather than solely the woman.

      I would separate the sentence here.

    10. Richard’s

      I would say Oelze since you refer to him by his last name elsewhere

    11. In the novel, Jones reacts anxiously to one of Insel’s painting, one similar to Oelze’s “Expectation,” and then ships it to the United States, just as Loy shipped Oelze’s painting to the U.S

      I would revise this sentence

    12. ainting

      paintings

    13. character’s enactment of an embodied, unstable, and automatically conditioned subjectivity.”

      explain this quote after you use it. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here

    14. rance

      add a comma

    15. even

      cut

    16. the characters are said to be a reflection of their relationship with each other.

      Which characters? You also already said this.

    17. 1930s in Paris

      or you could say soon after meeting Oelze

    18. talent counting

      I'm not sure what you mean by this

    19. with her two characters Mrs. Jones, a gallery director, and Insel, an artist.

      but you have three characters listed here. I would revise this sentence

    20. d 1970s

      add a comma after 1970's

    21. The pessimistic tenor of Oelze’s art represented his deep psychological issues that caused him to live a very isolated life after the war in Posteholz.

      I think that they show and express rather than represent.

    22. who started in 1929 when he first encountered surrealist paintings from Max Ernst and René Magritte in Switzerland.

      What was he before?

    23. Richard Oelze is a highly regarded German surrealist painter,

      I would definitely include his DOB and DOD in the biography

    24. The effect of the war on Oelze is shown in his post-1950 art

      I suggest you talk about the different of before and after.

    25. released from being a held as

      you can simply this to just "released from being"

    26. Now,

      This is awkward

    27. who started

      started what?

    1. The landscapes of his early work indicate remnants of Impressionism, notably in “My Mother’s Garden” (1905) and “Corsican Village at Sunset” (1905) (Leger & Schmalenbach, 10). Nearing World War I, however, he found the melodiousness of Impressionism irreconcilable with the tumultuous times, so he experimented with Picasso and Braque’s Cubism. His tendency to break figures into tubular shapes earned his work the nickname “tubism”. In 1909, his work was shown in Paris galleries alongside Duchamp, Brancusi, and Picabia. Léger advocated for embracing the modern era. In a 1914 lecture entitled “Contemporary Achievements in Painting”, he likened the sharp contrast in his paintings to that between billboards and landscapes. Léger’s paintings explore unity of Impressionist-style sceneries with modern technology. Léger served in World War I until he was injured in 1917. This exposed Leger to a variety of modern technologies that began appearing in his work; in a 1922 letter, Leger wrote that he enjoys painting “forms necessitated by modern industry”, such as a furnace or machine gun (De Francia 41). Famously referring to modernity as “a life of fragments” (De Francia 46), Léger replicated disintegration with the fragmented posters, stairs, and dummies in his painting, “La Ville” (1919). In 1926, Leger produced the film Ballet mecanique, a non-narrative film that explores the simultaneous disunity and unity of the modern industrial era, through portrayal of machines at work. He stated in 1913 that modernity must “accept as its means of expression an art of dynamic divisionism” (Turvey 39) and look for classical ideals of nature and beauty within the fabrication of technology.

      I would be careful to not just list his major works, but to talk about trends in his work, or in his life. Right now, parts of this read like a list of his major works. I suggest being careful with this, and using the works as examples, rather than the focus. That way it will be the works in context of his life, rather than the other way around.

    2. Léger’s paintings explore unity of Impressionist-style sceneries with modern technology.

      good

    3. advocated for embracing the modern era.

      how specifically? Use some more details in this semester

    4. The landscapes of his early work indicate remnants of Impressionism, notably in “My Mother’s Garden” (1905) and “Corsican Village at Sunset” (1905) (Leger & Schmalenbach, 10). Nearing World War I, however, he found the melodiousness of Impressionism irreconcilable with the tumultuous times, so he experimented with Picasso and Braque’s Cubism. His tendency to break figures into tubular shapes earned his work the nickname “tubism”. In 1909, his work was shown in Paris galleries alongside Duchamp, Brancusi, and Picabia.

      Good details!

    5. From an early age, Leger was attracted to media in various forms. After apprenticing in an architect’s office, he moved to Paris in 1900, where he studied privately under two professors at Ecole des Beaux-Arts

      Where was he born? Did he grow up in a family?

    6. Léger’s legacy has not been confined to Paris; the Manhattan Museum of Modern Art has exhibited his work five times, most recently in 1998. Leger’s work maintains relevance for ushering in the modern era, uniting traditional styles with industrialization and experimentation.

      I would expand more on his legacy. What is he remembered for? If his style is a focus, consider moving some of the earlier details here to add more to this.

    7. During the 1930s, Léger visited several countries to give lectures, including Berlin, the United States, and London. In 1945, he joined the French Communist Party. In 1955, he was awarded the Grand Prize at the Sao Paulo Bienal. He died in 1955.

      I would consider revising these sentences. Up to this point you've included both simple and complex sentences, and this paragraph has simple sentences.

    8. The works of Loy and Léger were often considered in the same circles. They moved to Paris three years apart and shared acquaintances like Picasso and Picabia. They reportedly met on at least one occasion at a Paris dinner party for notable figures in the art community (Burke). Julien Levy, a friend of both, filmed Loy and Leger for an experimental film series on artists at work.

      I think you can definitely expand this paragraph. This is one of the most important pieces of the biography, so you should consider adding more details an information into this.

    9. a friend of both, filmed Loy and Leger for an experimental film series on artists at work.

      more details

    10. They reportedly met on at least one occasion at a Paris dinner party for notable figures in the art community

      give more details.

    11. three years apart

      dates?

    12. La Ville” (1919).

      keep in chronological order

    13. He stated in 1913

      why is this out of order?

    14. ”,

      comma inside quotation mark

    15. enjoys

      enjoyed. Keep the past tense

    16. injured

      what kind of injury?

    17. unity

      the unity

    18. ”,

      comma inside the quotation mark

    19. Fernand Léger was a notable French artist and filmmaker during the first half of the twentieth century. A Cubist painter, Leger is known for bold colors and geometric shapes, particularly those portraying modern machinery. Later in life, Leger created experimental films, including the well-known Ballet Mecanique (1926).

      Great start to the biography! Looks fantastic

    20. ”.

      Place the period inside the quotation mark

    1. Looks great!! No grammar issues, no big problems. You use a lot of semi colons to connect together sentences, maybe think about removing some of them just because you have a lot of very long sentences. But it's up to you!

    2. it

      add a space before it

    3. in which she was to be included

      I think you don't have to say this

    4. under Ford’s direction

      I think you need a comma after direction

    5. the initial

      the initial or an initial?

    6. hus, “Ford was to feel equally at home—and equally in exile—all over Europe and America” (Saunders 18).

      Good!

    7. The Modernist Era was distinguishable for its incestuous artistic circle of authors, painters, musicians, and the like, but few artists were born into the circle as Ford Madox Ford was in December of 1873—the son of Francis Hueffer, a German music critic, and Catherine Madox Brown, an English painter, pianist, and model; thus much of Ford’s literary success unarguably stemmed from his upbringing.

      Maybe break this sentence up, it's a little long

  2. Oct 2017
    1. You biography looks great! You are about 250 words over word count, so I would suggest looking at some places which you can condense and remove some of the material. One example of this is some of the quotes you use. Another example is when you're taking about Nicholls' argument. I also think that you need to move Nicholls' argument to a paragraph or two earlier. I would suggest to not end on Nicholls' argument, but rather the ambiguous nature of their relationship. You really want to end on fact instead of another critic's opinion.

    2. interactions

      Use a new word here. You say interaction in the previous sentence, so if you want to say interactions here, change interaction to relationship

    3. are

      make sure to change to is to have subject-verb agreement

    4. Yet, the frequency, nature, and depth of Pound’s interaction with Mina Loy remains ambiguous.

      This is an additional reason why I would be hesitant to quote Nicholls' argument as fact. Their relationship remains ambiguous. So while you can describe Nicholls' perspective and hypothesis, it remains a hypothesis.

    5. Peters

      Say Nicholls instead of Peters. His first name is Peter. Also, here, you will want to say "Peter Nicholls," using his full name the first time you refer to him.

    6. Finally, and most surprisingly, Peters notes the marked similarities in word choice and vocabulary between Pound’s Hugh Selwyn Mauberley and Loy’s work as hints that Pound truly admired–and perhaps at times even strove to emulate–Loy’s abstract, emotionless writing style.

      Why I hesitate to take this as true is because Pound came before Loy. So you really need to qualify what you're saying because Nicholls has honestly a pretty controversial, and arguable, opinion.

    7. as hints that Pound truly admired–and perhaps at times even strove to emulate–Loy’s abstract, emotionless writing style.

      You need a citation or a quote here, something to actually prove what you're saying. Also, it's Nicholls' (not Peters'). Peter is the first name so you'll want to use his last name when referring to him. The first time you will want to use both his first and last name.

      The other thing, is that it's Nicholls' hypothesis. This isn't a proved fact, and you need to express it as Nicholls' opinion, his hypothesis, etc. not as a proved fact.

    8. erse?”

      You need one more sentence here to explain what point you're trying to make, to unpack these two examples of their interaction. What explicitly are you trying to say?

    9. points to the contrary

      I don't think this is what you want to be saying here. Pound admired and complimented Loy, but he still remains eminent in literary thought. Loy has a rise in appreciation currently, but their relationship does not actually point to the contrary. Pound was a critic of hers, not the other way around.

    10. Pound famously coined the term logopoiea–defined as “a dance of the intelligence among words and ideas and modification of ideas and characters”–to describe Loy’s writing.

      I would place the definition in a separate sentence. You already have a colon in this sentence so there are too many ideas in one sentence

    11. wherein the eminent Pound was a mentor or role model to the relatively obscure Loy

      good

    12. one-way one

      just say "one-way"

    13. Wilmer states that Pound is frequently misunderstood: “If Pound is obscure, it is largely because of his wide frame of reference; he was also an educator, who used poetry to introduce his readers to works and ideas he had discovered for himself. It is hardly his fault that his syllabus has never been adopted” (Wimer).

      I'm actually not sure if you need to quote Wilmer here. You frame your entire biography through the eyes of Loy, so to quote other authors seems to be unnecessary. I would either have Pound's biography as separate from Loy's perception of Pound, or I would remove this quote.

    14. Pound remains a divisive figure today. His brilliance as a poet, translator, and thinker are countered by his anti-American rhetoric and association with fascism, resulting in his imprisonment and fall from grace. Loy recalled that Pound “was like a child, and an old professor at the same time” and that he “was a sensitive man who didn’t think other people were sensitive.” Wilmer states that Pound is frequently misunderstood: “If Pound is obscure, it is largely because of his wide frame of reference; he was also an educator, who used poetry to introduce his readers to works and ideas he had discovered for himself. It is hardly his fault that his syllabus has never been adopted” (Wimer). Following his institutionalization,, Pound returned to Venice and stopped writing. He died in Venice on November 1, 1972. His legacy is vast; Pound is widely considered the father of imagism and recognized for his work in both the imagist and modernist sphere

      You say "Pound remains a divisive figure today" in this paragraph, looking generally at Pound's legacy, but then insert where he died following his institutionalization. I would move the two sentences on his move to Venice and subsequent death to earlier, before you begin to look at his legacy. That way the ideas will connect

    15. ,,

      extra comma

    16. If Pound is obscure, it is largely because of his wide frame of reference; he was also an educator, who used poetry to introduce his readers to works and ideas he had discovered for himself. It is hardly his fault that his syllabus has never been adopted”

      I'm not sure if you actually need this entire quote here. You highlight Wilmer's expression of Pound as misunderstood, but the quote addresses a lot more than just that. So I would cut out the second sentence, if not more of the quote.

    17. “was like a child, and an old professor at the same time” and that he “was a sensitive man who didn’t think other people were sensitive.

      maybe remove "and that he 'was'" and instead add "..." so that the quote is one long quote. Up to you, but it's a little awkward the way it is.

    18. His brilliance as a poet, translator, and thinker are countered by his anti-American rhetoric and association with fascism, resulting in his imprisonment and fall from grace.

      perhaps change the end of this sentence to "countered by his anti-American rhetoric, association with fascism, and imprisonment." The sentence as you have it doesn't clearly express the point you're making, which is "his brilliance in... is countered by..."

    19. Deemed insane, he spent 1946 to 1958

      I would say "several years, between 1946-1958," or something like that. Right now this sentence is a little choppy.

    20. He became an anti-war advocate, making several hundred broadcasts airing his political stances, many of which were anti-semitic and pro-fascism, in addition to explicitly critical of the United States’ war effort.

      Run on sentence, too many ideas in one sentence

    21. began to become

      Just say "became"

    22. In Paris, Pound developed a relationship with the young Ernest Hemingway, wrote an opera (which Mina Loy attended), and collaborated with T.S. Eliot in the editing of the latter’s famous poem “The Waste Land.”

      You have a lot of information in this sentence. I suggest 1. Including the dates he was in Paris, 2. List out these in terms of accomplishments. I.e., "Pound accomplished..." or "While in Paris, Pound was in connection two three major poets of the century..." somehow to frame how these are presented. There's a connection between them, so why not pull that out and make it stronger?

    23. Paris, and the impact

      No comma. Impact of what? WWI or his move to Paris? Specify

    24. the landscape of England, and the course of Pound’s career.

      Suggested revision: "changed not only the landscape of England, but also the course of Pound's career"

    25. His poetry focused on concrete, succinct language.

      Good!

    26. His most famous work, “In a Station of the Metro,” was written in 1913. From 1912 to 1914, he also launched the Imagist movement, producing the first imagist manifesto.

      Good!

    27. arrived

      Perhaps a stronger verb

    28. and soon published numerous collections of poetry and became an influential contributor to the New Freewoman/Egoist, Poetry, Others, The Little Review, and numerous other literary magazines.

      A little wordy. Perhaps only use one "and" or separate into two different sentences? I think the information is important, but I get a little lost in what you're saying here

    29. but traveled to both London in his twenties.

      Fragment sentence

    30. University of Pennsylvania.

      Dates?

    31. behind the literary movement.

      Maybe specify which movement? E.g. "this movement" since you mentioned modernist movement before

    32. “To speak of the modern movement is to speak of [Ezra Pound]; the masterly impresario of modern poets, for without the discoveries he made with his poet’s instinct for poetry, this modern movement would still be rather a nebula than the constellation it has become” (Loy 157-8).

      This quote is very good! I love the metaphor that she uses: it really sets up the focus of your biography from the start. Excellent!