actually expand this scene and make it happen in the real world

edit this final scene but make it good

machine

had

since john's already been in here for a while, what triggered this alarm?

comma after this

i don't think this line is necessary

comma after this

nobody was immediately there

all of the sudden

had not

add 'from there, it was..'

come

is this phrase supposed to be 'so as to'? if not, just cut the so

I think if he knows he's gonna like break the rules to solve this, you should have him argue more with the chief earlier about how many people could die. this would reinforce the clash between their personalities

were

I think John's reaction should be way more shocked/ confused

unless you feel it's essential to the character, i would cut this line, or else i think you should have it be part of what hawking first says to john, when john comes in and is like awestruck by the office setup and powerful computer

i think you could be more consice, say 'to catch the expression' since you already explained that the expression was surprise

you accidentally used first person through this whole paragraph

John

delete

how would john know the computers blocked the windows if it blocked them? He wouldn't be able to see them. I know this is a nitpick!

he

John

his reaction kind of made me laugh, i like it

I think there should be more tension/ argument before stephen admits about montium

add the even back in over here

delete

You're

delete

John's

this is kinda gross i love it

I think something like 'it made john nervous' would sound more natural

explained

other rooms

i think 'luckily, it wasn't his job to deal with that.' would sound better

why?

there's a little highlighted bit you left here an accident, make sure to delete it!

repetitive, cut this

maybe instead of turned out fine, say they raved about it or loved it

i think you should cut this line

?

I think you should have a sentence first establishing that there's a man sitting in his room, otherwise the first use of him makes me think, who? who's him?

I love your story! Even better on the second draft than on the first :-)

i think you should cut this word

wept

i think you should put the line of dialogue before you say the last of the light drained from her eyes, or else it seems like shes dead before she speaks

Pearl had fallen

I think this time you overshot it on the foreshadowing about pearl switching sides. i think you could make her switch sides and give it a little foreshadowing, like her different personality at teh beginning, and maybe a little bit when they see the gang at that town. that way it could still be more of a twist

feels a little cheesy

maybe say soemthing here about shielding other people from seeing the house, explaining why its in such good condition

she does refer to the crucible as an it though? I'm not sure if you could get june to not do that without making her speak in a very weird manner

in which she suddenly found herself

rung out

fumbling

light

down her feet clanged on the ground

cut this line

I think you can go ahead and say 'it was june'

it sent a pang of sadness through hallux. she wished her family's happiness could have been immortalized in the same way

had felt

was

But those people are

The rich

I almost feel like this foreshadowing might be overdoing it

had gone

change to a colon

i think everyone or all the people might be a better word to describe the crowd

who had

had run

seemed to understand

had held

hadn't wanted

could

you just used the word warm, so maybe try something else here?

took over the business

had

asleep

this

for her to keep

pulled

do you mean they hadn't?

i think you can delete this

i don't know if the word murmured matches the tone you're going for?

delete

i think the word destination would fit here better

that had eventually

you already used place in this sentence, maybe change to another word?

delete

love this line!

had never

loving this change to pearls character! and the dialogue here feels really natural, it's good!

cooked

my internalized sexism jumping out here, but i totally assumed the mayor was a man, so i was confused later when you said she got shot. Maybe describe how the mayor looks here? Also this conversation between dee and the mayor seems a little too straightforward, lines like this city was build for the wealthy, or where she says she doesn't want the city to change. i feel like the conservative rhetoric she would give is more along the lines of, if we made medicine cheap there would be no incentive to produce it, that's just the world. And, yes its expensive but it's the best healthcare out there! Even if the both know it's a lie, the mayor wouldn't be so honest i think. i do like the part where dee realizes the mayor doesnt want anything to change because she benefits from the current system

Cute! But i feel like you could have built up to this a little more

Is dee's face on camera? Wouldn't the police come and find her to try and make an example of her, and to crush this movement?

This section about realizing the importance of health justice, and the section about organizing for it, feel a little rushed

I think you could expand on this. Maybe include a story of the first time she told someone the story, and how they responded with their own story of something similar and dee realized that this happens to other people too

suspicion?

Just my take on it, but i think it would be more in line with reality if the only reason this antibiotic is so expensive is because the company/ govt selling it wants to raise profits. A lot of the expensive drugs in real life aren't expensive for a semi-legitimate reason like this, they're only expensive because of greed. If using this antibiotic a lot would cause the bug to adapt to it, then maybe it does make sense that the government denies it to people, since more people could die in the long run if they let everyone use it. In real life, antibiotics are super cheap and commonly used, even though the super bug thing could become a reality. Anyways, I just think it would be more fucked up and realistic if the only reason minny was denied this drug is because it wouldn't be profitable for her to get it

i think 'how could she do this' would be better than 'how could she do this to me'

this line feels a little akward, maybe instead have him share a memory of how minny would help him or something nice she did for him

this is really gruesome, i love it

Okay so there is a really fucked up disease out there! I'm not sure if you wanerd to save this reveal as a plot twist, but i think it makes more sense for the narrative if you establish this really early on, so that we know why it's so bad if they get sick. You could include info about it in minerva's internal monologue when she first leaves the city, about how afraid she is of it, or when mrs themis is defending dee at the trial she could mention it in her closing statement, to emphasize how exiling dee is basically a death sentence

i know i left a comment about this already, but if you put the name of who was narrating after the date, it would make the transitions between them more clear and smooth!

this is cute!!

I think you should cut this line

this part should be in quotes. Also i feel like if everyone is this concerned about sickness/ disease you should establish early on that there's some horrible epidemic/ fever that you can get in this world, and its super contagious and only the city has the cure/ vaccine. otherwise i feel like disease isn't the main thing people would be concerned about, and it would make it more tense if you established what the disease was and how horrible/ how painful it is to get

I think this line, the part about i had never had any crushes, is a little too direct of a way to put this, especially if minny hasn't had any experiences with guys before? Maybe a more subtle approach like, describe how the guy looks and have minerva say like for some reasons my heart was pounding, or something about his eyes stopped me from running off.

l love this anecdote! builds the sisters' relationship, and adds some more background about the injustice of the healthcare system in new tampa

'maybe even gotten married' would sound less awkward

wow, I'm not sure if you made this explicit earlier in the story and I just missed it, but I thought they were both in their late teens or even early twenties. I think you should make it clear just how young she is earlier, that would raise the stakes and make it wilder that minny left the city. Maybe make her more emotionally immature or something? also i think it's better established how close the sisters are this time around, but you could still do some fleshing out of their relationship at the beginning of the story

you're

is her leg magnetic or are the arrows? why?

I think you could add some more sound/ visual imagery about the storm, or maybe talk about how they would have been protected from the storm if they were still in the city

sounds awkward, rephrase the sentence or cut this part?

i think you should spend some more time here talking about how bad it was at first, how difficult to ajust to living outside the city. Maybe talk about minny saving dee from a predator attack, how hungry they were, how they missed their parents and such.

make this its own sentence

awkward phrasing, maybe try reading this out loud to find something that flows more naturally?

advice

since you mention it later, maybe add a line where dee says she always checks twice to make sure the peg is in.

I think you could clarify here that the way to stop a fan is by placing a peg into it, because I asssumed there was just some switch to turn it off, and so I was confused when they started talking about pegs. Also I think at the end of this paragraph it might be a good idea to have a flashback to the accident, and describe it in more depth so we can better picture what Dee was feeling and thinking.

this is essentially a repeat of the line before, maybe change it to prosthetics were expensive because "of the time and resources it took to match the prosthetic perfectly to the wearer's body."

since you just said nervous in the last sentence i think this would sound better if you switched it to 'dont worry' or 'dont be anxious'

this sentence reads kind of awkwardly

I like how you expanded more on their living situation! It makes it feel like this isset in a more real world.

You should really use headings or a change in font or something to indicate the change in POV between sisters. Otherwise it takes a minute for me to orient myself and realize who's narrating

I think this ending feels a bit rushed? I would love a confrontation scene with Hawking. Maybe Hawking is in some secret room behind his office, and John gets in and sees him like working on the AI tech and Hawking noticed hes there. And he's serious and emotionless to sort of contrast the nice bumbling mask he put on earlier. Maybe he tries to call security on john but the AI then comes into consciousness and rebels against Hawking, preventing the security from hearing Hawkings call. Something like that? Security ends up hearing them and comes up and ties up john anyways, so the AI would still help him escape from there. Maybe if the AI turns on hawking when he's there and it like emotionally destroys hawking because he thought of this AI as like his child, his creation

Ok I like the plot of your story a lot! But I think you need to do something to make John a more sympathetic character. We need a reason to feel for him more? Maybe he knows he's kind of an asshole and we see him trying to be better throughout the story? Maybe he has some sort of estranged relationship to another character that he needs to redeem himself to get back, like a family member, or maybe his partner back when he was a beat cop? Maybe he's rough on the outside because he needs to be for work, but deep down he's really empathetic, like right now. He feels for the AI. It's helping him but he can tell it knows something isn't right about it, and he wants to comfort it. Maybe his old partner (or estranged younger brother or someting), who he had been close with, got addicted to drugs a few months ago and like left the force, and turned up now as one of the victims of this case? And because of that, or maybe in spite of it, John can't help but feel connected to the AI, to try and help it. Just spitballing!! I think there's lots of ways you could make us more invested in wanting this character to succeed and live. it would be good for john to grow and change more over the course of the story

I love the last line a lot, but I think it would have more impact if someone John knew was part of the AI, like I suggested in another extremely long note. It would make the scene more emotional

Okay, if you take my dialogue change from earlier with the secretary, maybe he could track down the secretary after her work and like convince/ threaten her into getting him access to the building, like a legitimate ID card and uniform. Then it wouldn't make alium's security seem too weak? Maybe john tells the secretary he knows alium is up to something shady and she wouldn't want to get in trouble, would she? If Alium is an illegal product he could tell her everything he knows and say he could put her away for a long time for her association with Hawking. Get her to switch sides. She could even communicate with him throughout through a communicator and help him get to and break into Hawking's office? This might make more sense if the woman was hawking's personal secretary? Like in the earlier scene he gets up to hawkings floor but then has to trick her into letting him in, like i suggested before. Maybe she also takes him back down to the lobby during that scene? To establish more of a connection between the characters.She could even double cross john at the end somehow, for a fun extra plot twist. I know this is kind of jumbled I hope it makes sense?

kind of awkward phrasing

I like this bit plot wise, I think it makes a lot of sense and gives John a good reason to get even more suspicious of alium

I know this is sort of the archetypal asshole police chief character but I think it would be more interesting to take him a different way? Make him sort of methodical, careful, well-educated, calm, and rules focused. Sort of the antithesis to John, and this could create a similar sort of hate dynamic between them.

Okay I know it would change the story a lot to make alium's product like underground, but I think it would make the story creepier and more tense, and there would be sort of a double reveal 1: of this product and 2: of the AI being created. Maybe Stephen's page was open on the victim's computer, so John goes to interrogate him without sort of knowing anything about alium. Though he would first have to find him, giving more of a chance to use his detecting skills. This would also create a more tense interrogation btwn John and Stephen, because Stephen wouldn't want to reveal what he's doing and John would have to drag it out of him. Again though, I know this would like change everything so you can take or leave this suggestion

I think it would make more sense if her brain activity stopped right away, since her consciousness has left her body? If Alium was some shady underground corporation it could still be unclear at this point why she used this device and what went on

I think when you're writing a scene where the characters share the same gender pronouns it's better to use their names when needed to make it clear which he is doing which action. So here "Stephen didn't look very thrilled by that dry response, but he apparently wasn't angry enough to try and tell John to get out."

his

Just a personal preference, but I think that these sort of scenes set in the in between should seem sort of distant and like disconnected, so maybe try not to use the I pronoun? That would mean changing this to "Or whatever you could call what he had now."

i like this intermission chapter a lot

this should be either swore he could hear or could have sworn he heard

maybe change this whole sentence? it feels kind of awkward that johns just like sequentially listing off the answers to hawking's questions, consider how this would sound if the lines were spoken

if you add the dialogue change I suggested earlier, it would change the context of this and make it seem even more like she's trying to flatter him and cover her ass. I think that would give this scene more weight ! She could even like step up the flattery another notch when John is unimpressed.

you accidentally switched to first person again :-)

i think it could be better for characterization if she continues to insist that he can't meet the boss, to the extent where john insists she pulls up his schedule. She has some sort of tablet and reads off of it that the boss isn't free, and he sort of grabs the tablet out of her hands and it shows that she's just looking at something random on the tablet, bluffing that it's the schedule. He makes some comment about her lying to law enforcement and how he could come back w a warrant and she finally defers and agrees to bring him up. Could improve his characterization as the archetypal like brusque cop type?

totally a nitpick but i think it would sound better if you either said NYPD or just with the police, and have him already have pulled out his badge in the previous sentence

Loving the imagery, especially the contrasts it provides to everywhere we've been so far!

If you decided to make alium corp some creepy underground operation it would give a chance for the detective to do some investigating to find out more about them? Like either searching around the web based on what was on the victim's computer, or maybe tracing where the sensors on the victim's neck were produced. Something along those lines? Would also raise the stakes I think. Maybe so you could still have scenes at their HQ they could have some other business that its sort of the front for their other illicit business. Feel free to ignore these suggestions if it ruins like the whole flow of your story

If this is a product they make commercials about, wouldn't they know what it was? Or is it like relatively unknown? I think there's two ways you could take this. Either make it so this is some sort of dark web item that you can only get on the DL, or make it so that the thing you have to put on is maybe some sort of injection, or some like not visible to the naked eye microchip? Maybe in the people who have this fatal experience with the mind movement machine the backs of their necks could swell up, but the cause would have to be revealed through some autopsy or something?

I think there would have to be something more suspicious on the website for John to notice it. Like maybe he sees the first page is the alium corp page witht the start button. Then like he looks at the next tab and it's people talking about their experiences with the corp. And then like dozens of tabs of like the different bodies you could look through to go into their bodies. Would give this scene more of a creepy build up. Also for the creepy factor i think it would be better if the mind mover was an illegal/ unlicensed product? That's up to you though!

do you mean open the roof of the car? If not, I think a different phrase would be better

just a little note? I think mind movement machine would be catchier just because of the alliteration.

I feel like this group of mercs really is too nice? Maybe at some point earlier in the narrative hal could save them, or help them out in some way, and for that they feel like they owe her, and it's kind of a bonding moment? Like Rex is the standoffish leader, but he has his own moral code and is like okay you helped us, now we owe you one. and they start to all really bond after that.

I assume that this group wants the crucible for their own purposes, so knowing that hal wants it to give to some kidnappers would make them not want to work with her I think? I think it would either make sense for her to not tell them the truth and plan to like make off w the crucible alone once they find it, or they come to some agreement where the mercs say if she finds it they'll bring it to the meeting point with the gang and help her beat the gang and save her sister, but the mercs will keep the crucible. Or maybe they say they'll help her, but later hal finds out they planned to double cross her and keep the crucible for themselves, since they are lawless mercs. Right now it seems like they're just looking for the crucible for the fun of it?

I like this hopeful ending a lot! And I like the story over all, I think you're good at fiction writing. I think my one problem with the story is more the idea that if all of the rich people left earth society would totally collapse? I'm not sure if you were trying to imply this, but I think it would make more sense if society had already been collapsing because of some extreme climate apocalypse scenario, and that's why the rich people left and society struggled, and cars and stuff don't work because green tech was never developed and funded, and there's no more fossil fuels. Because honestly I think if all the rich people left earth, we would be better off? There would have to be some sort of outside pressure/ other factor contributing to civilizational collapse. Also it might be better to have some kind of scale of just how many people left? 100k? 1 million? 1 billion? I do like your story though, I enjoyed reading it. You're a good writer!

i think it would sound better if you deleted this

Just a formatting issue, but the indents between these various paragraphs are not all the same? I think the smaller ones look better.

think it would sound better if you cut this line

i really like this line, like one final act from pearl to show how far gone she really is. Although, I don't exactly know what de opresso liber means. Maybe you could explain that at some point?

Ok it's probably just me, but i read this as it literally physically was not her sister, like they had some sort of body double or hologram. It made the next bit a little confusing. Also this change feels kind of sudden for pearl, who we only know as this cheerful little sister character? Maybe at the beginning when she's asking hal to tell her the story about their father, pearl could show some bitterness about the rich leaving, some indication that she would show sympathy to this cause

I really think it would be helpful if hallux kept a tally of how many days left before she gets to pearl, because i've definitely lost the thread at this point. A count of the days left could even replace the diamond motif you're using as section breaks

aren't we all?

I like this, but i'm not sure how Hal figured it out? Could you provide more about her reasoning, or maybe have June phrase something about the crucible in a way that tips hal off as to who it really is?

I feel like there needs to be some explanation for why this house hasn't been pillaged/ looted. Is it like magic? I would think all the books would have been stolen

i think you can cut this line

this line made me laugh, i can really picture it

If the mercs also don't know what the crucible is, why were they looking for it? Does it have some sort of high selling price? If the mercs are meant to be really shady, they seem to have really solid moral compasses wrt what happens to the rich people? I feel like they wouldnt care so much? Or at least to me calling the group mercs makes it seem like they will steal anything or kill anyone for the money, you know

I think this should be a colon not a period

I think Hal would go into this market thinking she'll enjoy it, but it just makes her think of her sister, which ends up making her sad/ stressed.

If this is the first time Hal has seen someone get killed, I think she might freak out more? Or feel kind of sick or guilty. Yeah these people are criminals, but they're just trying to eke out a living. Or if Hal has seen people get killed before, I think she wouldn't gape, she would maybe stiffen up a little or something. You could even have her remember the first/ last time she'd seen someone die, and have her worry that her sister is going to be next.

unless im misinterpreting, doesn't the previous paragraph say they have been traveling for multiple days, and eat and sleep every night?

I think since hal has such a short time window to find this thing, she would be paying close attention to how many days had passed, like a daily tally. I think this would also raise the tension for the readers, since we would know how much time she has left

Maybe add do you know what it is? I think at this point hal would have asked everyone she had talked to what the crucible is, but if you need to keep it secret for plot reasons, you could either have people not tell her because they think she's fucking w them and does know what it is, or when asked what it does people just go tight lipped

maybe add some more description about lucky's appearance/ vibes to validate why he rubs hal the wrong way?

at this point Hal is stressed and tired, maybe have her push back a little? As for more information? Get in a bit of an argument with the bartender and try to storm off, which would be when he grabs her. Could also add to why she finds him unnerving like maybe he stays totally calm and smooth even when hal gets angry, and still offers up that extra information even though she's trying to storm out

I actually really like the line this way. So it's a toss up I guess, lmao

Since after getting to the end of the story, it seems like Minerva and her family are somewhat poor, maybe add some more details about how they live?

Maybe add some internal monologue here where Diana remembers the accident for herself? Then you could provide a more thorough description of what happened and how, and how she felt. Maybe they could have even had to amputate because it took so long for an ambulance to come get diana because she's poor, so she lost too much blood in her leg.

This feels a little convenient? I think it would make it more compelling if Minny and Diana are separated for a while, and it's a challenge for Minny to find her sister. Maybe she could even save her sister in some way, or Di could save her? Also did you maybe cut off some of your story when you posted it? Feels like there's plot missing to get from this point to the point where you started off. Overall I do like the central plot/ driving conflict of the story a lot!

Would there be any element to this trial of the city compensating Diana with a prosthetic because she lost her leg doing work for the city? If that's not an option because of cost, or because this wasn't in her contract, maybe you could include that?

If there's going to be a sort of theme of this animosity between Diana and Sam Jackson, maybe a scene at/ near the beginning of the story from diana and minerva's childhood could help cement this and make the reader feel more invested? Like instead of Diana's friend Marie being bullied by Jackson, it could be Minerva, and Diana could have stepped in and protected her. This would create a more solid basis for the animosity in the courtroom and also show the close relationship between the sisters!

Maybe add some sort of narrative mechanism to show that the perspective character had changed, like a different font or titling the chapters with the characters name? Maybe it's just me but I thought this was still Minerva's perspective and I was really confused as to when Minerva lost her leg

maybe add more about how miverva is feeling? This feels like an understatement

just a tiny note, but if you use her last name in the next piece of dialogue, maybe refer to minerva by her full name here?

This exposition feels a little forced in, maybe try to show not tell? Find a more natural way to give the readers this info