I swallowed without guilt

Eventually, I taught myself how to eat again. There was no grand moment or event ormonumental day to commemorate. I ate pasta and didn’t cry after. Cooked for my roommate andallowed her excitement to calm my thoughts. Bought groceries and convinced myself that if Iwas spending money then I had to eat it.

But that was cheating and she would not have approved. I thought of her crouched on the softfabric of the car the first time she felt true danger and I wanted her secrets. Maybe she couldteach me how to turn trauma over in the same swift way she did with an ear of corn. I hoped shecould tell me that everything would be okay. I doubt I would have believed her. So I dreamt herup at the funeral and school and watching telenovelas with her maids and measuring chocolatefor desserts and I wanted to be her so badly.

She liked the small moments of control.

After I lost him I searched for safety like a mad man

later

I expected the ice to soothe and save me when inreality that which should have helped me simply became another burn.

I swallowed it all. He congratulated me with a smile.I lost control easily

So I made a home out of his body, claimed my safety the only way I knew how, andgave him all the love I could not give myself

he called it love.

His trauma made himindependent, mine made me attach myself to anything and anyone that felt remotely safe

My stomach rumbled at the idea of it

“Su pobre familia. No puedo creer que les haya hecho eso, qué débil.”

My actions had consequences and so my excusesfor dying had to be valid and logical and sane. I thought I had a pretty good argument, one thatwould stand in court in case my mother decided she wasn’t content with my decision. She wouldhave killed me if she knew

something I had never been allowed to do before in my fifteenyears

Hey Ben,” I whispered into the night air. “I just wanted to thank you. I want to thank you for spending as much time with us as you did. You lived so much in your twenty-one years. Did you know it was going to be an early end for you? It doesn’t matter. I’m just grateful for the time we were able to have. I miss you. I miss you and I love you in the present tense. I will always actively love you.” Just as the last words left my lips, a bright shooting star shot across the sky from behind my head to directly above me. It was so bright it lit up half the night sky. Maybe that was Ben saying he loved me, too.

The world was burning just like I had wanted it to after Ben died. This time I wasn’t ready for everything to go.

Brave Little Toaster

don’t know, maybe they have an event going on or something,” my mom replied. “I mean I don’t think Santa Paula has anything big enough to make that big of a light. And look at it. It’s orange.” “I’m sure it’s probably nothing, Aria.”