My initial freewrite only had the stimulus and response parts of the triangle. My edited version contains the how/why. It is important to include this because it answers the question: So What? I explain that I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, which is why getting sick hurt, emotionally, so much.

Over the semester, I've realized that my writing is best when I am most vulnerable and honest. My original freewrite only said that I was hating myself, but in this version I include that I actually cried that night. Another honest moment that I added was in the first paragraph where I call myself stupid. I thought it was important to include because even though it seems a bit harsh and unreasonable to call myself stupid for just one mistake, it shows where my mind was at while writing the piece. It shows my voice.

When looking at my freewrite, I noticed I did not write concisely at all, probably because I was just jotting down my thoughts as they came to me, not caring about "good writing." When revising it, I cut out words and sentences unnecessary. For instance, I cut out the sentence: "I don't really want to be in First Year Writing Seminar right now." I feel like I showed that already and naming it didn't add much. Also I cut the sentence: "I'm not too worried though because the last Italian test wasn't too hard." Not only does the sentence not add anything special to the piece, but I also thought it would be more impactful to the story if I kept it as a worry that lingered in the back of my head. I then return to this thought at the start of my last paragraph by saying, "I'm no longer upset that last night's situation took away precious study time, and more in frustrated disbelief that I made that gluten mistake."

This piece originated from the a freewrite we did in class on October 16th. It was one of those freewrites where I ventured away from the topic you suggested we write about. During that class I was very distracted because I couldn't stop thinking about how I got sick the night before because I accidentally ate gluten. This freewrite is the result of my processing that situation. I chose to work on it further because I felt there was more to say on the topic than what I had time to write in class. Also it is something that is meaningful to me. I've been gluten-free for a little over ten years now and I consider it part of my identity.

This revision is actually present in what you can't see. Although this paragraph about camp is still lengthy, I was able to cut out unnecessary phrases and say things in less words. I made this change so my essay would be easier for the reader to read and so that they weren't distracted from the main point by unnecessary details. For instance, the pervious version of the highlighted sentence read: "Mazemakers, the day camp, located in Weston, I attended as a kid and have worked at for three summers, instills the values of creativity, choice, challenge, and community in its campers, all of which have contributed in making me the person I am today." I thought cut out the other camp values other than community because during Night Circle, community is really the only the one that is celebrated. And I thought it was apparent enough that this camp means a lot to me, so I didn't have to say the part about it shaping me to be the person I am today.

This version of the paper includes more description. Both in terms of physical description of the the place, and also the inclusion of more descriptive language that add to the imagery. For instance, in this highlighted sentence, I added the words "soft," "growling," and "lively" to be more specific about what the sounds sounded like. I made these changes because a "meditation on place" should be grounded in details so the reader can picture the place better.

In my first draft of this paper I didn't quite hit at the how/why part of the triangle. The how/why is essential for explaining the meaning/message behind the essay. Without it, the essay feels unfinished, or the reader may be left with questions. In this draft, I made sure to explain why I could carry out reflection on this spot outside my dorm. I knew the brick buildings, the darkness, and the lights reminded me of my camp, Mazemakers, and that it provided comfort, and in the revision I went further to explain that I had this comfort because Mazemakers is like a second home to me. I also added how it was especially important to have this feeling here at BC because BC, my temporary residence, hasn't yet become my "home away from home."

Something else that I considered when revising my first draft was my audience. Often times revising essays to suit one's audience has to do with the style of writing or whether you use an academic or casual tone, but in this essay I needed to make my writing more concise so my audience could understand it. My audience for this essay was a girl who I'm friendly with on my floor who is not familiar with my camp. While writing, I definitely got "lost" in it and because I love the camp so much, and ended up over-explaining things. I needed to strike a balance where my reader could understand my camp and our tradition of Night Circle while still writing concisely. This made my make several changes throughout this whole paragraph, but I just highlighted the end. For example, I cut out one of the "Thank you Mazemakers..." examples. I also cut many sentences from the end that was the product of me writing down whatever thoughts about Night Circle that came to mind. I cut them because they added length to the paragraph without adding any meaningful content.

Another change I made was the addition of this last paragraph. In my previous draft I ended my essay with my analysis, but I thought that it would be more within the nature of a mediation on place to bring it back to me, the narrator, sitting in the place itself. It mirrors the first paragraph which gives the essay a bit of symmetry, which is nice considering that the essay spans several time frames/places. To be specific, both paragraphs contain observational elements such as the chirping crickets and the adirondack chair.