Hi Shamara! Overall I really enjoyed reading through your project and could really feel the passion you had for “Fight Song” while going through each of your pieces! In each of your pieces I could easily pinpoint what your main argument was throughout this project which I know is difficult to do, especially with the diversity of the style of writing throughout. I found that you often have no issue clearly stating and explaining your ideas and cannot wait to hear how you implement everything you covered and learned while researching in your own cover. It would be interesting to hear how you interpret “Fight Song.” I noticed a couple of small issues throughout each work which remained relatively consistent throughout. There are some typographical errors that might have gotten lost in transferring from a document over to the Scalar site. Album titles have to be italicized (this is something that I know gets lost in the transfer but is worth mentioning so you’re extra aware when editing) while song titles should be placed in quotation marks. I also noticed that most of the body text was bolded rather than in regular typeface which is also something that occurs in the transfer, but is still worth mentioning. I noticed that you often preferred to use the singer’s first name (Rachel Platten) throughout your site, and I’m wondering if this is because of something specific. I believe it is customary to use the last name of the singer rather than the first, unless there is a specific reason. There is also inconsistency in your use of commas when you list things. I noticed there were some places where you used the Oxford comma (a comma before the “and”) and other places where you omitted the comma before the “and.” Either way is fine, but I think you should try to remain consistent throughout your site. Lastly, I occasionally found that your writing sounded like it was emphasizing the guidelines for what has to be included before submitting. I wonder if there’s a way of including this information without directly stating what you are addressing. Finally, though I quite enjoyed the structure and path of your site, I wonder if there can be a way on your final published site to include a different way (rather than through the path) to get to each page of your site.

I wonder if this is really necessary, is it sufficient to just say that you were inspired to create your own cover?

I think this can be omitted since the majority of your project focuses on "Fight Song" it is implied to be the "major song" you're focusing on

This transition hear feels a bit clunky, can you reorder some of these sentences so that one sentence flows into the next. That is, allow the main ideas from each sentence flow / relate to the one following it

"this line" might be better since you're introducing a specific line in the same sentence

comma after "for example"

This sentence really made me pause and think, I really like how you left this as the last sentence; it really leaves a powerful punch ◡̈

I wonder if you could rework this sentence to not include "this background matters because..." because personally, it sounds like you're going down a checklist for what was required for submitting this piece instead of letting the arguments and writing flow naturally

"This song" or the actual name, "Fight Song" might work better

I think since Platten wrote this song in the past, you should use the past tense "used" here instead of the present "uses"

I would replace this with just "Bri Heart" as it is implied by introducing her cover that she is a singer

replace with "Fight Song"

I think this paragraph is better fit with your last paragraph rather than as the introduction paragraph.

This sentence was particularly wordy and I wonder if you could be more clear with "singers often feel pressure to perform their cover exactly how it was written and consequently don't provide any personalization"

I cannot wait to hear this! I'm interested, especially after reading your other pieces, how you're going to make this piece your own ◡̈

Hi Val! Overall I quite enjoyed your project! I really enjoyed the vivid imagery you were able to evoke throughout each piece but particularly in your Playlist and Listening Guide. I could practically see all the images and scenes you were describing. I also felt that your argument was very prominent throughout all five of your works and I liked how you chose to structure the flow of your site. It’s obvious that you thought about how each work flows into the next and there were often connections between all five of your works. I noticed a couple things as I was going through your work, some that were just typographical and others that were more sentence structure. I noticed that a lot of your works were bolded rather than in regular typeface, I think that for some reason, while transferring next from a document to Scalar it’s automatically bolded so definitely be sure to go through before submitting to make sure all the text is in regular typeface when you submit. Another thing I noticed was that a lot of song names, especially in your Listening Guide didn’t have quotations around them and album titles were often not italicized. I think this might also be another issue in transferring text from a document to Scalar, italics were lost in the switch. As I was reading I noticed that the content of your sentences were sometimes redundant. I like how you provide multiple descriptors, but I think when the descriptors are synonyms, it might be better, more concise, to omit one. Of course, this is personal opinion, and if you feel that the synonyms are necessary to emphasize a certain argument, feel free to keep them in. I also noticed that you really like to use semicolons! There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, in fact in some places I appreciated your usage of semicolons, but I also felt that in some places your semicolons actually detracted from your argument. The semicolons often made sentences longer, and occasionally I felt that your argument could be enhanced by the omission of the semicolons. Lastly, I noticed that your “Homepage” isn’t the page with the Book Splash background, I would definitely switch it to this one as it grabs the attention of your audience better. Lastly, I would include another way to get to each page on your site without using the index.

who is "them" referring to? Is there a way to be more specific or is there a reason why you left this ambiguous?

Again, I really love the way you utilize imagery in both this paragraph and the introduction!

You used "tone" earlier to describe how the artist delivers the lyrics, I wonder if "sound" might work better.

word choice - chords (?)

"from" might be a better prepositional phrase to use here, it really depends on how you want this to be interpreted. "From" would probably indicate that the source of this album is The Cranberries whereas "of" indicates possession.

This sentence errs on the side of checking off a list of what your writing needs to include. I wonder if there's a way of stating why "Ode to My Family" is listed right after "Zombie" without directly saying "should be listed"

I think "a" might be a better article to use here than "the"

While I appreciate that you want to draw a connection between the clauses I think the first clause is much more powerful as a standalone sentence.

In general, punctuation should go inside of the quotations

The "it" here feels ambiguous. It could either refer to "bloodshed" (since it's the last word of the preceding sentence) and act as a natural transition between sentences, or it could refer to music (the more general idea).

I think here you could probably just use "violence" as "bloodshed" is under the overarching theme of "violence" while also being aware that violence can entail other acts as well. I like how you have already started to make the connection between the points you're bringing up and the purpose of "Zombies," but I think for these more generic themes in the introduction you can probably stick to broader ideas.

Like other comments I've left, if both sides of the slash work, it might be better to rework the sentence to include both sides of the slash without outright using it!

"a sword" will probably work better here than "the sword," since the latter implies that there is one almighty sword that everybody pulls out to combat their enemy

Here I also love the stark contrast between shiny buildings (I envision tall skyscrapers) and immediately shifting into piles of ash.

I loved this imagery! I think it also works well since your song specifically addresses violence and you've done so with red imagery (cranberries are also red!)

Here I think "repetition of the lyrics" might work better. Though both are grammatical correct, "of them" specifically addresses parts of a whole while "in them" usually addresses being physically situated within a defined space.

I like this comparison here especially since you're just coming off a paragraph emphasizing the aggressive nature to this song. However the plural "sounds" implies that there are multiple sounds produced by the drum that sound like gunshots. Is there just one sound or are there multiple?

Album titles should be italicized

I wonder if there's a better way to connect these sentences. I like the argument here but, I think since the first sentence concludes with what the lyrics and sighs of the lines it feels a bit clunky to elaborate on the anger of the tone right after you mention something that carries a softer connotation. Switching the order of the first sentence (trailing off and sighs before the tone) or breaking up the first sentence into two separate clauses and inserting the elaboration on tone behind introducing the tone might make your writing flow better.

I personally think that switching the order of the first sentence might work better contextually within the paragraph since you go on to discuss aggressiveness adter the second sentence I highlighted.

While I like the argument you make here, I wonder if the length of this sentence is really necessary. Is it possible to put the second clause into the first clause where you write "this?"

You've cited the same section from your source in three consecutive sentences which can distract your reader from your work, which is a shame since you clearly have a good argument to make. I wonder if there's a way to cite it so that the reader understands that content from all three of these sentences should be cited with (Song 200).

"shrilling" doesn't quite fit into this sentence as an adjective, I think removing the "-ing" and instead writing "shrill high notes" carries the same understanding.

I'm not entirely sure if these two clauses should be connected by a semicolon since it does make the sentence quite lengthy. I understand that you want the reader to see the connection between the clauses, but I wonder if it can be broken up into 2 sentences, but still maintain that connection.

Are you referring to our society as Americans, or society as a whole?

I think that since the primary argument of Song's is that "Zombie"'s message is presented through the lyrics and strong melodies "visible in the lyrics and strong melody" should come right after "Song says." Though the current structure of this sentence isn't grammatically incorrect, it places emphasis (because of its appearance earlier in the sentence) on Zombie's message rather than Song's argument about how "Zombie"'s message is effectively communicated.

You've used "However" to introduce a contrasting statement, I wonder if you could use a different linking word here that carries the same meaning but doesn't make your work sound redundant.

Instead of directly telling the reader that there is a flaw in Song's argument you might want to try implying a contradiction or introduce the contradiction. For example, "However, contrary to Song's argument, Zombie has always been..."

this can be put in commas ("as many songs, including 'Zombie,' regain...") since it's a clause that isn't necessary to the understanding of the sentence as a whole.

"the" is unnecessary, "brought back attention to..." will suffice

this might take on a more informal tone than the one you've adopted throughout, perhaps "consequently" or "in contrast" might adopt a more formal tone and holds the same meaning.

I think I may have said this in an earlier comment, but for cases like this where both things on either of the slash can be used, you should write "and" or "or" (depending on the case) rather than a slash.

this feels out of place simply because you stated in the same sentence that multiple innocent children were killed which implies that it wasn't civil? If it was indeed a civil political dispute, you might want to specify a civil dispute for leaders of the governments involved or where it was civil.

I really like how you provided a description of what "grunge" sounds like for the reader

here I would remove "mainly" as the sentence does not lose meaning / gain more meaning with its presence

Song titles should go in quotations

there's tense disagreement here, "see" is present while "made" is past.

"This version of 'Zombie'" is better because "above" implies that you're referring to another cover you mentioned above this cover

"gives a makeover to the song" or "gives the song a makeover" might work better.

"whole group" is a bit redundant, you could probably just say "group" instead

"battling alcoholism and depression" seems out of place, I wonder if you could use a connector instead of a comma like "...showed throughout her life while battling alcoholism and depression."

This sentence is a bit confusing of a read; on my first read, it implied that there was a voice between Vext and O'Riordan that was different. I think to argue that there's a difference between Vext's voice and O'Riordan's voice you can rewrite this sentence as "The inherent difference between Vext's and O'Riordan's voices give..."

since you're referring to something of O'Riordan's (her voice) this should indicate that.

"That closely follows Dolores O'Riordan's..."

I love this argument, but I wonder if you could find a way to omit "this is important" as it sounds a little like you're going through a checklist of what is expected of this writing

I think "since that helps" can be omitted and the sentence will still have the same meaning.

I think if you're adopting an informal tone, like a blog post, in this piece "mic" works, but if you intend to deliver this information more formally perhaps you could lengthen it into "microphone." Again, it just depends on the formality of tone you intend to adopt.

This can imply that cultures is doing the cooking, but I think you should specify ingredients cooked in various cuisines (?) might be better.

Everyone's take on what? I think that you're using this as an introduction to the purpose / content of this essay and arguing that we can apply the diversity of thought to the way different artists cover "Zombie," but you might want to have a broader introduction that is simple for readers to understand that naturally segues into the content of this piece.

"diverse world" might work better for this sentence, but this might be personal opinion.

I think you could probably make this as the title of this whole page rather than "Final Major Essay" and remove the heading when you submit your final Scalar site.

I'm not sure if this transition is absolutely necessary because the way you present your claim implies to the reader that it is your overall argument.

"and" might work better here since I'm assuming it incorporates both traditional sounds and an emotional appeal not either.

"Internal conflicts" already implies that Ireland has a troubled history, I wonder if it's necessary to include "troubled" in this sentence.

I wonder if both are necessary for the overall meaning of this sentence or if you could omit one and your argument still hold true. Media is often an umbrella encompassing various means of communication and I think unless you're using multiple forms of "Zombie" beyond it as a piece of music, it might be better to just use "music" in this sentence.

I wonder if this transition is necessary. I think the first sentence already helps the reader understand that there are examples of where music is used to express nonviolence and the following sentence you're introducing Ireland as an example.

thousands seems to be a bit specific, I wonder if "many" or "numerous" or "innumerable" would work better

the "herself" feels a bit unnecessary to the general understanding of the sentence, I wonder if you could remove it or elaborate on why the "herself" is necessary.

This might be a might redundant, I think if you're talking about the inspiration behind the song it might already imply that you're referring to the earlier stages of writing the song

this might be wrong, but I believe that punctuation goes inside of quotation marks unless it's followed by a parenthetical citation.

I think since grief is already inherently an emotion you can omit "emotion" and go straight to "grief"

Personally, I would refrain from using slashes here, perhaps you could rework it as "the rest of the world, and their leaders?"

I honestly don't think you need this header here as you're already calling the page itself the lyrics to "Fight Song"

Overall I quite enjoyed the little positive notes of encouragement between the songs, but I wonder if it might be possible to include images that use the lyrics of the songs you're referring to, or even quotes from the artists themselves (like this one, using "Try Everything" right after Shakira)? This might be personal opinion but I think that using lyrics from the songs or quotes from the artist might fit better.

"often leaving us feeling like" might work better

....is a specific line...

keeping you strong and protecting you..."

Similar to another comment, this paragraph might be better placed after you officially introduce "Unstoppable" to keep with the order of your playlist.

It might be better to switch the order of this paragraph and introduce it after you introduce how "Stand" is related to the main song, "Fight Song." It feels a bit awkward to include the connection with a song that you haven't officially introduced yet, but this is also personal opinion ◡̈

I would make this two sentences with a period after "upbeat song" and starting the next sentence with "It encourages..."

remove "truly"

"the chance"

"this fight song" might work better here? I think by writing 'your fight song" it's implying to the reader that they can only have this one song be their "fight song", but I think in reality different people choose to listen to different music when they need a lift

remove comma

I think it might be better to remove the "and" before rejuvenated and put it before "ready to take on"

"with positive themes" might flow better

You're

I really like this transition between "rain" and "sunshine" as it also inadvertently ties in themes from your previous writing of using literary devices to express a different / deeper meaning.

There's a bit of disagreement here. I think you could say "when your day feels like it hasn't stopped raining" or "when the days feel like they haven't stopped raining"

change the punctuation here to a colon

its

word choice: "contains" might be a better fit

I think "of music" might be redundant since using "playlist" earlier already implies music, but this is also personal opinion.

the

I would write instead "Titanium is very hard to break because it is an incredibly strong metal" because this structure places emphasis on the metal being hard to break rather than the fact that its a strong metal

"an incredibly"

word choice - exception

make this two sentences, it sounds a bit like a run-on

I would personally stray away from using slashes because the sentence will have the same meaning if you write "chest and mixed voice"

remove "it"

harder

It's a bit unclear whether or not this is your personal analysis of this line or the author's analysis of this line. Either way helps contribute to the overall argument, but it might be helpful to the reader to include who's analysis it is.

"season" might be a little informal, especially considering your tone in the rest of this writing

present tense might work better rather than past

"only the keys and guitar can be heard"

"The instrumentals of this cover of 'Fight Song' differs from the originals as well" might work better as it introduces your specific argument earlier and it doesn't risk getting lost

the original

musical might be redundant, especially if you're referring to the cover, "musical" might already be implied

this might be better if removed

this might tread into bias territory and it might be better to take out "a wise" and stick with "Heart made a decision"

this contradicts your earlier argument that she adds her own personality, it might make for a stronger argument if this part is removed ◡̈

"While she sings 'Wrecking balls inside my brain'" might work better

This is a bit of a run on to me and I believe there are some redundancies throughout. You might be able to rewrite it as "In her cover of 'Fight Song.' Bri Heart adds her own personality through different elements like riffs, note changes, staccatos, slides, and a breathier tone to the original"

were

you could probably change some of the "Bri Heart" to "Heart" ◡̈

quotations

make this a new sentence or connect with "showcases personality which allows the..."

"of a song" might be redundant since "cover" implies that its a recording of an already existing song

redundancy - remove "direct"

"the"

Her personal style, quite different from the original, is what makes her cover stand out.

^^This sentence might work better in your argument because "quite different from the original" is not as important as the fact that her cover is a stand out from Platten's original release.

redundant, remove "all" and just use "throughout"

might serve better in parentheses

"uses different types of voices (head voice, mixed voice, chest voice)"

remove "the"

word choice - unique might be better or simply "her personality" since it implies that its unique to the singer

Since Bri Heart's cover is the topic of this work I might rework this so that Bri Heart comes first, something like "Bri Heart released (?) a cover of "Fight Song" in 2015 directed and filmed by Jervy Hou" I wonder if the director is really necessary for the reader of your work to know, maybe just the cover artist will suffice.

these aren't necessary and I think you can remove them ◡̈

I might put this into a separate paragraph

I wonder if it would be better to write "artist musically and, perhaps, personally"

because you used "as readers" I would follow it with "we" rather than "one" or say "One, through this research, learns that..."

This sentence is a bit wordy and I might rework it without "main argument is important" because it sounds too much like you're going down a checklist of things you were supposed to mention in this piece

should be "its"

what was the deeper meaning? It might be helpful to include this so the reader of your piece can sense how the author interprets the line

I'm not sure "data" is the right word for this description of what the author is doing in their work. I might use "analysis" instead.

In which case, you might want to write "The author argues this through an in-depth, line-by-line, analysis of "Fight Song."

"The author argues" might flow better and sound less like an essay in response to a prompt.

I would write "the author includes data and concludes their argument" (or something along these lines). "The data" makes me think that specific data the author provides will be reference by you later, which you don't seem to do (which is fine, it just doesn't make sense to put "the" in front)

I would remove this section as it, for me, detracts from what you're trying to say. Additionally you refer to the data as coming last later in the paragraph, so the reader can automatically assume that this information comes first

This sentence reads almost as if you're going through the THOMAS acronym and checking each point off. Maybe you could try rewriting this so that the audience is aware of the position of the author concerning your topic but without outwardly stating it

maybe try "used by the writer / singer"

same thing as above - the sentence holds the same meaning even if you remove "in order"

I think this sentence might flow better if you remove "in order"

Here I think I would specifically name the author and the article because otherwise you might be leaving the reader slightly confused as they don't have the background / purpose of this piece originally.