9 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2019
    1. Do you have any idea why the number of failed students increase during this time of year.

      How long has this city existed? I am assuming graduation occurs every year. Why do they not know that it increases after the annual Life Test?

    1. She then continues,

      You can omit this

    2. yells back

      I love how this voice responds to someone making a ruckus by making a ruckus. (Not a suggestion. I just found it funny)

    1. Wait what city is it?” I ask excitedly.

      I could be misinterpreting your words. In an earlier section, the protagonist seemed confused that a person would transferred to another city. All she knows (from her parents' conversation) is that a person can transferred if they have done a great wrong. Why has she not realized the lady was lying by now? When I first read this, I assumed she was so excited that she wasn't thinking. But after reading the whole story I know she is very curious and astute.

    1. watching the monitors

      Possible plot hole. I have several questions

      • Why hasn't they main city detected them? You said earlier that there is a military. This insinuates that there is an opposing force they must protect themselves from. If this city has a radar, I am going to assume that her old city would have radars able to detect them
      • If their radars work when they are close to a pod, does this mean they are close enough for the city to see them? How are they evading the old city?
    2. After forcing out the sentence I head back to back to my boat. My heart begins racing as I have memories of my time in my pod flash in front of my eyes.

      I love this caveat. Sometimes stories get a little too unrealistic with character development. Seeing her struggle is okay! It takes time to grow from a trauma like, I don't know, your city, which you practically have been worshiping since birth, attempt to drown you. But I digress. I am not sure if your story is completed, but if it is not, then I would like to see her continue to grow.

    3. I have had rigorous training on how to use their boat on the water and below.

      I like your forward narration in the story. You are telling your audience exactly how it is so you can go straight into the next plot point. With that being said, I would like to see you present this training progress in a more nuanced way. The way I usually see it done is through dialogue, internal dialogue, or a flashback. That way you can weave background information into the plot more seamlessly.

    1. I

      I'm not going to comment on grammar and all that jazz since this is a rough draft. I suggest more sentence variety. For example, you have a lot of sentences starting with I. "I stand up..." "I lean on the glass.." "I breathe in the cool air." Playing with length and structure can improve the flow of your storytelling.

    1. I smile to myself at the thought of finally having an official place somewhere.

      I am digging the contrast of her naivety before and after her Life Test. I think you display it best when she casually says something that us regular folks would find odd. For example, a quote in section five: "What a nice way to end this connection with my parents" This is a striking difference to everyday life and it sets up the critique of this "Utopian" city that occurs later on.