incorrect URL

need place of publication as well as publisher

period needed at end of all citations

need publisher and place of publication

period should go inside quotes (all the time!)

Make sure that your citations are arranged in alphabetical order

If there is no author listed, either leave it out entirely or use the abbreviation "n.a." (for "no author")

Remember to cite the original source, not the database

period (and at end of all citations)

period

Be consistent with whether you abbreviate authors' first names or not

This is the title of a book, should it should go in italics rather than quotes

&

missing first name

Remember that if you want to include a URL to a journal article, you should include the DOI (not copy/paste the URL that appears in your browser navigation bar)

period

comma

italics (also incorrect journal name)

Same thing here as in the Introduction re: bolding :-)

Make sure that when you're only engaging with a specific chapter, especially in an edited volume, you cite that chapter in particular and not the whole book

Remember that we need, for books, the place of publication in addition to the publisher

This is a citation for the database, not the source (I'm guessing you probably used an automated citation generator for this - which is fine, but you still need to verify the citations it generates for you to make sure they're correct)

Same thing here as in the introduction re: bolding :-)

incorrect author

Bibliography should be in alphabetical order

period

no need for this

italics (for all journal / blog / etc. titles in citations)

For a social media post, make sure to include the specific publication date (month and day) as well as your access date

Missing publication information

No need for bullet points

Same thing here as in the introduction re: bold :-)

Make sure that your citations are in alphabetical order

italics (for all journal / magazine / etc titles in these citations)

I'm sure you just copied this over into Scalar, which is fine, but make sure that it isn't all in bold for the next draft of the site :-)

Same thing here as above, but for both the database name and link

For dissertations, we have to include an indication about what kind of document it is - something like "PhD dissertation" or "MA thesis"

Is this the director, or the channel to which it was posted?

Titles of online videos should go in quotes

Titles of webpages should go in quotes

Remember not to cite databases for books & articles

No need to repeat the title of the page :-)

Be consistent with whether you're using full author names or just first initials

Here, like for the YouTube example citation we did in class, it would be better to begin with the title, then the date, then the publication information. Carleton College itself isn't really the author - it's more like the publisher, so that info should come later.

Same thing here as in the introduction with bolding :-)

No need to number the entries in your bibliography - the best way to format this is instead to insert a line break between each entry

Make sure that the most important information in any given sentence is in a place of structural prominence within the sentence. Here, for example, reordering the sentence might make it more clear - something like: "This piece takes the hardest goodbye and turns it into something special, something that we welcome. This is made clear through a series of interviews with and stories of contemporary performers of the song ("The Parting Glass in Practice")...)

I understand what you're trying to say here, but the grammar is getting in your way a bit - it's a bit jarring to go from saying that it is more than a song in the previous sentence to referring to it as "this song" in the next sentence

no comma

Rather than starting by telling us what their version doesn't do, jump right in to telling us what it does do

Why not make this more concise and just say "While any interpretation is valid"?

"as" works better here

no comma

The chronology is a bit confusing here - make clear that you're switching from talking about the long history of the song in the previous sentence to the present day in this one

This is an example of nominalization - we'll discuss this more in class on 11/12. Could you rewrite this sentence to remove the nominalization?

Move the citation here (since you're paraphrasing Graham in both of these two sentences, you only need a citation after the end of the second sentence)

Gotcha! Make sure that you tell your reader this before you switch from mentioning both Ireland and Scotland to discussing only Ireland

Keep an eye out for places in your writing where you can consider cutting redundant words to improve concision and clarity - here, for example, "may" and "possible" are serving more or less the same purpose

no comma

This phrasing might not mean much to a reader who isn't already primed to know that this is a playlist. Can you outline the nature of this page that you're discussing?

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

This is a wonderfully direct and concise summary of your song - could you put it earlier than the end of the third paragraph?

Consider combining these two sentences to improve flow ("interpersonal relationships within the words of the song, a focus which also carries on...")

How is this description of the original source relevant to the argument you're making?

This sentence feels like a bit of a non-sequitur from the previous one - as in, it's unclear how this mention of your essay fits in to the larger point you're making in this paragraph. Could you focus not on the essay itself but rather what it's doing? For example, you could rewrite this sentence to say something like this: "Closely examining the lyrics of night songs is crucial to understanding their historical importance; I provide an example of this kind of close analysis in "The Parting Glass in Context"

no comma

The repeated use of commas in this sentence is getting a bit in the way of your otherwise excellent flow - could you rewrite this sentence to use fewer commas?

singular / plural disagreement

this mention of Scotland seems a bit odd in the context of this paragraph, where the focus seems to shift entirely to Ireland after this sentence

This is the first time that you're mentioning the song that is the focus of your project - I'd make sure you get to it sooner (either in the first paragraph or, in your case, the second - since you're using the first paragraph to set the stage), and also that you mention it in a topic sentence instead of in the middle of a paragraph

Italics

Careful again about your use of the first person plural - who exactly do you mean by "our"?

This seems oddly specific - why not just say "many" or something along those lines?

This is a nice, direct, pithy way of engaging your reader - consider switching it with the sentence afterwards so that you end the paragraph on this high note

Ah ok, this is where things get a little iffy. We've gone from "we" and "the human race" to "our country" - and, thus, the grammatical implication is that Americans are representative of all of humanity. I'm fairly sure this isn't what you mean, so just be careful with your wording!

Why the shift from "we" in the previous sentence to "the human race" here? Do you see these two terms as referring to the same thing? (In general, I'm skeptical of the term "the human race" because of its historical uses in advocating for a sense of homogeneity among humans that elides the specificities of race, gender, class, ability, etc. - but this is a me problem, and if you have a specific reason why you want to use the term then go for it!)

I know that you probably just copy/pasted this text over from a Word doc, but moving forward please make sure that it's not all bolded :-)

comma should go within quotes

through

There's nothing wrong with this kind of transition, but it's generally not needed - just the phrase ""Love Wins All" is more than just a song" already signals to your reader that you're wrapping up your discussion

This is one of the few places in this introduction where your wording could be clearer

For the final version of this site, you can choose if you want to include individual works cited lists at the end of each page or just the project-wide bibliography (or something else) - totally up to you!

The second to last sentence of this paragraph is fantastic. The final sentence, however, seems to go in a different direction than what has been discussed up until this point in the paragraph. Your goal, if I understand it correctly, is to make an argument about the reception of "Love Wins All" (that it has some effect on society); this discussion of fandom seems, at least to me, quite different from a discussion of the role of other K-pop idols.

comma

The repeat commas here are getting a bit in the way of the otherwise great flow of your prose - would it be possible to rewrite this sentence using fewer commas?

It's grammatically a bit unclear what "these dark moments" is referring to here - is it what was discussed at the beginning of the paragraph (Sulli's death) or what was just discussed in the previous couple of sentences (body shaming of female idols, etc.)?

firsthand

I love the way that you're incorporating your pages into this introduction, but the out-of-order numbering gets a bit confusing after a bit. Referencing these pages numerically is totally fine, but I'd consider either reordering your discussion so that you go over them in the introduction in the same order in which they appear on your site, or discuss the structure of your site prior to this point so that the reader already knows what these pages are (generally) before you discuss them in detail here.

Oooh nice hyperlink here too

This use of hyperlinks is great!

Use this opportunity to introduce your reader to the idea that you will be discussing this site and its pages in this introduction! Something like "As noted on the third page of this site, ..." might be a bit more clear.

The only part of this introduction that could use some revision is this final clause - "which matters because" feels a bit formulaic, which is a bit jarring after the lovely prose of the sentences leading up to this point. Is there a way that you could show us why this matters instead of telling us?

Lovely introduction!

You've referenced (both here and in the opening paragraph) your song - but you haven't discussed it outright. Tell us what it is and what purpose it serves in the project! (But to be clear, I think this bookending of the intro with references to the song is excellent)

Word choice

comma

dash

The implication here, if I'm reading you correctly, is that Drake himself is hyper-masculine - if this is correct, state this outright!

Keep an eye out in your writing for places where you can cut out some words to make your prose more concise. Here, what is the phrase "allow it to" accomplishing it? Could you remove it and instead just say "...sensibilities are what create the soundscape..."?

This is an important claim and doesn't need to be relegated to a parenthetical

grammar (it's not the description that's pure, but the sound)

comma (also, careful with hanging prepositions)

singular / plural disagreement

No need for this kind of equivocal language - just state your claim outright :-)

This kind of fine-grained instruction doesn't need to be done here (you'll do that in your listening guide later) - focus instead on communicating the argument that the Playlist & Listening Guide makes and how it ties in with the rest of the project.

italics

word choice

period outside of parentheses

This is the first time that you introduce Majid - tell the readers who he is

It makes sense to me why you've put summer in quotes here (given that it is acting as a metaphor), but I'm not sure why you've put over in quotes as well (also, commas should go instead quotes)

no comma necessary here

grammar (effect as noun vs. affect as verb, and also singular / plural disagreement)

comma

Use circular parentheses () for citations (in general, we reserve the use of square brackets for circumstances where we need to insert parentheses inside a statement that is already itself contained in parentheses (for example, like [this])

This is a bit of a run on - consider breaking up into multiple sentences or using harder clause-breaking punctuation (like a semicolon or em-dash)

Grammar is a bit unclear here - the sentence begins by implying a discussion of the artists (as the ones making structural choices about the song), but it then shifts to implying a discussion of you as the author of this project (as the one highlighting the song's role as an interlude)

Is this information important for your reader to know? (And if so, is it important enough to include in the introduction sentence?)

italics

This is a really nice opening paragraph! It introduces the reader both to the general topic of the project and its overall argument. With just a bit of revision at the sentence level, it will really pop :-)

this wording isn't as clear as it could be (specifically the meaning of "within itself")

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

As you haven't introduced the multiple artists yet (the only mention we have of an artist at this point is in the title of the project, which only references Drake), this reference to "artists" is a bit confusing

I'm not sure what "project page" refers to here - and remember, we're shooting for professional language that refers to this project as an actual publication, not a school assignment. Something like "This site, 'Summer Is Over...' goes..." might work better here

I know that you probably just copy/pasted this text over from a Word doc, but moving forward please make sure that it's not all bolded :-)

For the final project, you don't need to include a bibliography on each individual page (since all your sources will be collected on the Bibliography page) - though you can choose to do so if you want to.

This kind of concluding paragraph is a great way to end this introduction

This still feels like a bit of a throw-away - if race and class are important to you, make sure to discuss them in more detail. If not, they're probably not worth discussing here

both sides of this "but" seem to be saying the same thing?

this comma is unnecessary - also, singular / plural disagreement

Try to avoid pronoun use in the opening sentences of paragraphs - in general, it's best to reintroduce the name of whoever / whatever you're discussing when beginning a new paragraph (even if it seems contextually obvious).

This grammar is a bit unclear - is it you or Lockitt that is discussing this?

When referencing media and writing (including your own), it's generally best to do so in the present tense

This is a great way to transition to the following paragraph! Keep working on this transition - how can you grammatically structure this sentence and the first sentence of the following paragraph in such a way as to make clear that musical theater is the fulcrum that ties them together?

Without additional elaboration, this feels like a bit of a throw-away statement

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

This paragraph is excellent! The only thing left is to make sure that it transitions smoothly from the previous paragraph and into the following paragraph - right now, it feels a bit disconnected from the other paragraphs around it.

This opening paragraph is chock-full of interesting information! This is almost to its detriment, though - shifting from discussing plot, to contextual meaning, to authorial intent, to musical and lyrical content all in a single paragraph is a bit hard to follow. Could you isolate your argument in this paragraph and move the rest of the contextual information to later paragraph? This would free up space for you to really focusing on making your argument and its significance as clear as possible to your reader, and pair it with an attention-grabbing opening (think back to "showing rather than telling" and that Rolling Stone example!)

This is presented as a statement of fact, and thus should be accompanied by a citation - could you either incorporate a source which backs up this claim, or reword so that it is not presented as a statement of fact?

This is an example of nominalization - we'll talk about this more in class on 11/12. How could you rewrite this sentence to make it more active and direct without nominalization?

italics

I know that you probably just copy/pasted this text over from a Word doc, but moving forward please make sure that it's not all bolded :-)

Could you include a concluding paragraph (even a very short one) to restate the overall argument of your project and introduce the reader to the next page they will be visiting on your site?

You've done a good job here of telling you reader why you wanted to create your own cover of this song, but you haven't told the reader what purpose it plays in the project or how it relates to your overarching argument.

Title

The purpose of the sources identified in the reading proposals is to provide context and evidence for the arguments you are making in your various essays. Isolating all of them in a single paragraph like this does not demonstrate how they relate to your writing or your overall argument.

Remember to refer to this as a professional publication rather than a set of assignments

grammar (run on, and singular / plural disagreement)

grammar

Just present (rather than present participle) would work better here

Keep an eye out for redundancies that you could remove to make your prose clearer and more concise - here, for example, "although" and "even though" are redundant with one another

Same thing here as above - tell us what the argument is, not what the process was (process can come later in the paragraph)

Keep revising this title - what's the argument of your playlist and listening guide? Incorporate that argument into the title.

grammar (some commas are in the wrong places and there's some pronoun disagreement)

fragment

You don't need to include this unless there's a specific reason why your reader would need to know what verse the lyric is from

When discussing words as words like this (meaning, words as collections of letters rather than words as meanings), put them in quotes - "like" or "as"

Keep an eye out for places in your writing where extraneous words could be removed without impacting your meaning - here, for example, removing "help us" would make your prose clearer and more direct.

This is a great example of opening a paragraph with a clear statement of the topic and argument!

This grammatical construction isn't entirely clear

Prepositions and conjunctions should generally not be capitalized in titles

If this is the main argument of this paragraph and of the essay you're discussing, make sure to outline it at the very beginning of the paragraph

State this as an argument rather than a reflection on your process - for example, "This cover demonstrates how experiences..."

Pronoun use is unclear - are you referring to Platten or Heart?

Is there a specific reason why you're using just her first name here? It's almost always better to use just the last name instead

use present tense when describing pieces of media / writing

Title? (Make sure that your title starts with capital letters and that it describes the content of the essay / page - here, for example, a more descriptive title like "Bri Heart's "Fight Song"" would be better)

song names should go in quotes

I used to give my students the exercise of writing an entire essay without any form of "to be" in it - the reason being that there's almost always another alternative verb we can use that makes our prose sound more direct, concise, and authoritative. This sentence, for example, might be improved by this! Give it a try here and throughout your Introduction.

This is great! This is the key point of this paragraph - the blog post is just a piece of evidence to support this argument. Make sure that you're opening your paragraphs with the most important piece of information and then outlining your evidence afterwards.

The grammar of this sentence is unclear - are you using "since" to mean "in the time since" or "because"?

Are you saying that this is the main theme of everyone's life? Or is this something that you're taking to be specific to you and/or Platten? If the former, that's a large claim that requires further elaboration.

It's important to always frame quotes with your own prose - try to avoid including a quote on its own as an entire sentence. If this quote is important to you (meaning, you feel that it is important to include the actual quote instead of a paraphrase), make sure to contextualize it with your own words.

Only one period is needed - here, the period should come after the citation instead of within the quotes

italics

punctuation required here - transition between subclauses

This is called a "comma splice" - where a comma is used to connect two independent clauses that could each function as independent sentences. Commas should only be used to connect relative / dependent clauses. Here, this requires a different piece of punctuation (either an em dash or a semicolon)

tense disagreement - be consistent in your use of past vs. present tense

Think back to our conversation about showing rather than telling, from the Playlist & Listening Guide. How can you show this to your reader without stating it outright like this?

The opening paragraph of your introduction is your chance to introduce your reader to what your song is and why they should care about it. This paragraph here was fine for your final essay proposal, but doesn't fit as an opening paragraph for your introduction.

I know that you probably just copy/pasted this text over from a Word doc, but moving forward please make sure that it's not all bolded :-)

No need to include any of this on your Scalar site

Title?

source?

has proven

The content of this sentence is great, but it's a bit of a run on

We generally try to avoid using slashes like this unless both sides of it are critical to understanding our argument and there's no other grammatical formation that will allow for the inclusion of both

This sentence feels like a bit of a non-sequitur from the previous - can you guide your readers a bit more clearly through this transition?

Same thing here as above - try to avoid using multiple prepositions in the same clause

grammar

Go ahead and just state your argument outright! Tell us what you're arguing in the opening sentence, and then tell us afterwards where in the project you get more into this.

In general, try to avoid repeating the same word in the same sentence / back-to-back sentences

Title?

This would work better as a subclause (within commas or dashes)

Another place where these words could be cut and the message of the sentence would be preserved

In general, it's best to avoid using multiple prepositions in the same clause - could you rewrite this sentence to either be multiple clauses (or break up into multiple sentences, or use only a single preposition?

While there's not technically anything wrong with this, it's generally considered bad form to quote yourself :-)

This is the exception to the rule - when you have a citation following a quote, the period should go after the parenthetical instead of within the quotes.

singular / plural disagreement

Try to use direct and authoritative language whenever possible when discussing your writing! Something like "argued" or "demonstrated" would sound more confident here.

What are you using this phrase to refer to?