Try to avoid using pronouns and general stand-in nouns in the opening sentences of paragraphs - even if it is contextually clear what you're talking about based on the paragraphs that came before, it's generally best to use the actual name / title when beginning a new paragraph.

word choice

While there isn't anything technically incorrect about this grammar, having so many commas right in a row might throw your reader off - is there a way you could rewrite this with fewer commas?

Period should go inside quotes

Similar to the question of redundancies within sentences, make sure to keep an eye out for places where words could be cut for concision and clarity without losing meaning.

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

What band? You were just talking about Irish music in general - are we back to talking about "Zombie" again here?

If you want a verb to apply to both sides of this statement (peace and culture), make sure to place it prior to "both". The structure should be either "both [V1] peace and [V2] culture" or "[V] both peace and culture".

Try rewriting this without any form of "to be"!

Keep an eye out for redundancies in your writing which could be removed for clarity and concision - here, for example, "more than ever" and "right now" are serving more or less the same purpose

the "from" here doesn't have a clear referent

word choice (speak out, for example, would work better)

Grammatically, it isn't clear what "which" is referencing here. The attack? "Zombie"? The story?

word choice

word choice

Active voice might work better here :-)

The content of this sentence is great and clearly leads towards the argument that you're outlining, but the wording could be clearer (particularly the transition to "this" halfway through)

I used to give my students the exercise of writing an entire essay without any form of "to be" in it - the reason being that there's almost always another alternative verb we can use that makes our prose sound more direct, concise, and authoritative. This sentence, for example, might be improved by this! Give it a try here and throughout your Introduction.

No need to repeat the title here :-)

Set this as your home page! The easiest way to do this is by deleting this page and porting over everything from it to the page prior

fragment

tense disagreement

Make sure that, anytime you use a new name, your readers are told who that is

The meaning of this is implied from the previous paragraphs, but make sure it's clear here as well

tense disagreement

The transition between these clauses could be clearer - partially this is the shift from present perfect in the first clause to past in the second clause. The subject also becomes unclear during this transition - does the subject of the first clause (Swift) carry over into the second clause, or does the object of the first clause (commentary) become the new subject?

There are quite a few places in this introduction where you have some redundant wording within your sentences - make sure to keep an eye out for this!

This could be clearer - what specifically do you mean by "production"? Draw us a picture! Also, is the satirical tone you're referring to her tone of voice while singing or a quality of the lyrical writing?

word choice

Here is an example of nominalization - we'll talk about this more in class on 11/12. Try removing the nominalization here to see if that makes your prose more direct and concise.

This is a very specific reference that likely won't make sense to your readers unless you explain it - if it's important enough to include here, make sure to provide that explanation!

grammar

active voice would be better here as well

active voice would be better here

"implore" needs to be followed by "to"

comma

You can just say Swift here - save yourself the extra word!

This grammar isn't clear - either "be feminist" or "utilize / have feminist rhetoric" might be better

Never use two words when just one will do! Hyperbolic and not always applicable, yes…. but in places like this, cutting some words and just saying "Lover" is often a good move

More likely than what? (This becomes more clear in the following sentence, of course, but without that information here the grammatical structure of this sentence isn't as clear as it could be)

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

grammar (need a preposition to transition to the second clause here) - also, a colon would work better than a semicolon here

This is an incredibly cool point, but the wording could be clearer. You're presenting several new ideas all at once in this sentence, and your reader would likely benefit from being walked through these things one by one instead.

What is this pronoun referring to?

make sure that this is a verb in order to grammatically fit with the rest of the list

fragment

This seems to be repeating what the previous sentence said - do you see it serving a distinct purpose?

italics

Same thing here as above - excellent content, but a bit of a run on

Are you referring to the idea that the music industry is nonpartisan? It isn't clear grammatically whether what's being disproved is the music industry or the idea that the music industry is nonpartisan

The content of this sentence is excellent, but it's a bit of a run on - would it be possible to either make it more concise or split it into multiple sentences?

The double use of more here is a bit redundant and gets in the way of the flow of your prose - is there a way that you could reword this sentence?

Make sure that all citations end with a period, even ones with a URL

You don't need to include this info for albums - just year is enough (unless you think it's important for your reader to know the exact date for a specific reason)

Only the first name should go in Last Name, First Name order for multi-authored works

The Scalar Notes feature would be perfect to use here (we'll go over this when we cover visual design on 11/14)

Nice job concluding and guiding us towards the next page

This feels like a bit of a non-sequitur from the previous sentence - is there a way you could make this transition a bit smoother?

Here's a spot where you might pull from the kind of direct and impactful prose you've been using in your conclusion sentences up to this point. What if you replaced this with something more concise and almost abrupt, in order to grab the reader's attention? Maybe something like "But the past always affects the future."

These short, pithy sentences with which you end your paragraphs are great

Make sure to either use your title for this or to make clear earlier that "Bowie, Homosexuality, and Society" refers to a playlist and listening guide

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

The content of this sentence is great but the wording could be clearer

Grammatically, this makes it sound like you're seeking to unpack why there are so few in-depth analyses of it

fragment

Careful about hanging prepositions

are you referring specifically to musical aspects here?

This is great

either no comma or a full subclause for "yet funky" (through dashes or parentheses, probably)

Don't undercut your own argument by using equivocal language like this! No need to say almost, just state your point outright (even if it is metaphorical)

Nice job laying out what you see the larger stakes of your argument to be. To make this sentence as clear as possible, make sure that you're being really specific in this list at the end of the sentence. Instead of broad, context-dependent words like "associated" or "a certain", can you refer us to something specific?

Are these just filler words, or do you see them serving a specific purpose?

This paragraph is much improved from the earlier draft - nice work! You've set yourself up with a really interesting opportunity here. Grammatically, it isn't clear from this clause whether the man behind the song is meant to refer to the "Starman" character or Bowie himself - but since you've done such a nice job setting up the fact that they might be the same person (or at least parallel to one another), this is a great opening to continue pushing on that point. Make this move just a bit clearer to your reader and it will be really excellent! (Using grammatical structural as part of our argumentation is a really difficult thing, but works incredibly well when we can pull it off!)

While there's nothing wrong with using prepositions like this, my own preference (and this is partially just a matter of taste) it to replace them whenever possible with punctuation. For example, here, I might prefer this version in my own writing: "Well, fear not - this project is an..."

Make sure bibliography is organized alphabetically

Need page numbers and place of publication

No need for this, can just say "Video" - make sure, also, to include "YouTube"

italics (and for all other publication / book names)

italics

But it also goes beyond just analyzing the cover art, no?

nice - very clear

Make sure to be consistent with how you're referring to this author

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

Is it important that your reader know that this argument came from a PhD thesis? If so, keep it in - if not, could be worth taking out just to save space and make the prose flow more clearly

This context on the song itself is super helpful and important! Could be worth considering shifting this earlier in the introduction

nice!

italics

This is important context to give your reader, but might not be important enough to warrant going in the opening sentence of the paragraph - use this opening sentence to give us the most important claim or piece of info!

Does "this project" refer to your Scalar site, or the album?

italics

For the final version of this site, you can choose if you want to include individual works cited lists at the end of each page or just the project-wide bibliography (or something else) - totally up to you!

Do you need both titles here?

This is a great title

What mindset? The mindset that an antagonist is all bad, or isn't?

and how that

Saying both "one of the few" and "the most" here seems a bit redundant - could you use just one or the other?

Great!

Who is "personal" referring to here? You? Miranda? Burr?

great!

illustrates and proves

"Impact" implies a direct object - what is Hamilton impacting, and what is social media impacting?

How are you planning to cite this and the other sources you reference in the Introduction? You could use traditional parenthetical in-text citations, as we have been doing up until this point - or you could do something like turning the text into hyperlinks so that, when you click the name of the source, a little box pops up with the full citational information. (Whatever you decide, some kind of citation is needed)

nice! very clear

Can you tell us a bit more? This concluding sentence lays out the argument of the playlist quite clearly, but the evidence provided up to this point in the paragraph doesn't seem to provide all the support needed for this logical leap.

comma

Two back-to-back passive voice sentences is probably not the best structure here :-)

Is the passive voice here serving a specific purpose?

Have you thought about making these titles in the Intro into hyperlinks, so the reader could click to go straight to that page? Might be a useful addition!

I totally see what you're trying to say here, but careful with your wording - Whall's article doesn't change the meaning of Hamilton, just our perception of it.

Nice job tying in other sources! Could you tell us a bit more (even in just a couple of words) about what these articles / authors are doing and how they relate to what you're discussing here?

same thing here as above! could you just say "seemingly" and eliminate a couple of words?

Would it be possible to reorder this paragraph so that the argument of the essay is the most important piece of information, and the evidence used to support that argument (the critique of Whall's piece) is of secondary importance?

consider using a piece of punctuation here to indicate that the reader should take a breath here (since this is a clause-marker "and", not a listing "and")

Never use two words when just one will do! Hyperbolic and not always applicable, yes.... but in places like this, cutting some words and just saying "the song's relatability" is often a good move

Partially just a personal taste thing - I try to avoid using "which" whenever possible. There are other ways to accomplish the same grammatical goal, typically with punctuation, that - to my ears - sound like they flow a bit better.

I think I know what you're trying to say here (and it's a really interesting point!), but the double verb is a bit grammatically unclear (both "shed" and "break")

Phrases like "in terms of" can often get in the way of the clarity and directness of our prose - is there a way you could rewrite this without that phrase?

no comma needed here

Just "Review of..." might work better here - we can assume it's a music review because it's a piece of music that's being discussed :-)

This is a nice, clear statement of your argument's "so what" - but it feels to me like it comes a bit out of the blue. Could you give us evidence to support this claim, or elaborate a bit more on what you mean?

nice!

Cutting out the comma and "specifically" here might make the sentence more direct and concise without losing any meaning

A reader unfamiliar with musical theater might not know that this isn't a usual occurance

italics

This opening, while giving the reader important information, isn't as engaging as it could be. Think back to our discussion of "showing instead of telling" and the example Rolling Stone article - how could you show us this information without just straight up telling us?