- Mar 2016
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livehappy113.wordpress.com livehappy113.wordpress.com
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possessive
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meganandersonsite.wordpress.com meganandersonsite.wordpress.com
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the “dental draft”,
I never heard this before! Cool idea!
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gamesandlearning.wordpress.com gamesandlearning.wordpress.com
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Webinars
This webinar, "The Literary Anthology in the Age of Web Annotation," has some of my thinking on the relationship between web annotation and open pedagogy: https://hypothes.is/blog/the-lit-anthology-in-the-age-of-web-annotation/
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meganandersonsite.wordpress.com meganandersonsite.wordpress.com
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I use Netflix on my phone all the time, I very rarely watch TV at my house on the actual TV, I am always using my phone or computer for Netflix.
a few CS's here
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thetheoryofabouteverything.weebly.com thetheoryofabouteverything.weebly.com
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a scary to
it's a scary to think about?
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- Feb 2016
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lauraward15.wordpress.com lauraward15.wordpress.com
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Olivers
should be possessive: Oliver's
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selinamurphy.com selinamurphy.com
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immature to have a say
Do you mean TOO immature?
Tags
Annotators
URL
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wesgunblog.wordpress.com wesgunblog.wordpress.com
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Not only does livestock play a major role in global warming
fragment (semi-colon error)
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Climate change is a fact according to 97 percent
Cite evidence (hyperlink)
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scientist
should be plural
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If you believe in something like climate change;
fragment (semi-colon error)
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nimal agriculture is the leading cause for climate change
Link to evidence for this statement
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mycomposition.weebly.com mycomposition.weebly.com
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due to the fact that a large amount of people go to college now
This does not make sense to me. Do you mean that it will be too expensive? What does Sanders say about how he will pay, and what do you think of the plan?
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Sanders
Should be possessive
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fixed, some
cs
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runned.
Hyperlink to all candidates...
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bush
cap
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Due to the fact that students are leaving the public schools in hopes of getting a better education elsewhere
fragment
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colleges, he
cs
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Bernie for example wants free tuition
hyperlink
Tags
Annotators
URL
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patellblog.wordpress.com patellblog.wordpress.com
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arenthood, it
cs
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I was totally convinced that abortion can help the almost 400,000 children waiting to be adopted in our country alone.
Ok, but be careful. If someone is adopted, how will they feel reading this. It is starting to sound like "We should have aborted any kid who end up being put up for adoption." That is maybe going a bit far? What do you think?
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tell the newborn baby that they are 400,000th in line
Wow-- powerfully said.
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397,000 children are in foster care
cite source (hyperlink)
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Only 3% of planned parenthood activities include abortions.
Link to stats?
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Planned parenthood
link to the org the first time you mention it.
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parenthood
cap. This is throughout the essay, so I will only mark it here.
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300moreseconds.weebly.com 300moreseconds.weebly.com
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that doesn't mean the baby should vote
LOVE this, and great point....
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Since most of those things go hand and hand with the young adult privileges
Not sure what this means....
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eighteen year olds are very easily influenced
Cite evidence/hyperlink
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This brought me to the final conclusion that voting is too much of an adult thing for any eighteen year old.
But Trump is winning amongst older Republicans, too. How does his status as frontrunner lead to you thinking that young people should not vote, when he is popular with older voters? Did you look up the numbers? Would that help maybe? And if you think he is unqualified and you are a little scared, why doesn't that lead you to want to vote?
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chill1004.wordpress.com chill1004.wordpress.com
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Here is the article
Again, don't let hyperlinks hang like this. Just pull them into the article and link when you are talking about them.
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politically correct
Not sure what this means here...
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emotions are changing
Cite evidence that teens have emotional changes that make them unreliable or poor good decision-makers.
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the
then?
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the brain, do not stop developing until the mid twenties
Cite evidence for the brain developing until mid-twenties and then stopping. This is not common knowledge.
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how can they understand programs
Do you think average older voters would get the budget question correct? Is this about age or about paying attention?
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countries
Should be possessive rather than plural
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Lets
Should be let's (let us)
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governments
possessive
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Race population
What is "race population?"
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students
possessive
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In the article
Refer to title and introduce the article a bit. Add the hyperlink here.
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If you do not know the basic issues
Does being 18 mean you don't know the issues? Surely some 18 y.o.'s do understand the issues?
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a record amount of students are projected to vote in the election this year.
Hyperlink to evidence of this.
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uneducated
Not the same as IQ of 0?
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todays
should be possessive
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gabbay22.wordpress.com gabbay22.wordpress.com
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heroine
heroin
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straight towards the country economy,
Unclear. Do you mean taxing the profits? Certainly those who grow and own crops should get money, yes?
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and how my views compare to the article
This part of the sentence seems tacked-on and different from the first part.
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As if politics weren’t already the biggest debate out there today between the parties fighting about who should be elected for president and why.
fragment
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marissaallyson.wordpress.com marissaallyson.wordpress.com
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astronomical
astronomically
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(FiveThirtyEight).
Good, but better would be to hyperlink the actual statistic...
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abigailpepin.wordpress.com abigailpepin.wordpress.comFree College14
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http://www.usnews.com/opinion/knowledge-bank/2015/05/27/why-bernie-sanders-free-public-college-plan-is-a-bad-idea http://time.com/4090871/free-college/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/bernie-sanders-america-needs-free-college-now/2015/10/22/a3d05512-7685-11e5-bc80-9091021aeb69_story.html
These links just hang here at the end. Instead of that, hyperlink to them throughout the piece. If you do that, you don't need them down at the end just hanging here without any context.
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CCBY GotCredit
See if you can click on the picture and add a caption for this info, instead of floating it down here.
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towards, it
cs
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suppose
supposed
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You wouldn’t really need to
But wouldn't you still need good grades, and to work hard in high school? "Free" doesn't mean that there would be no admissions standards, does it?
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sats
cap?
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Your
Wrong word
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further more.
Not sure what this means...
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Yes for many college being free would be fantastic, but in all reality it really wouldn’t be.
Kind of a confusing sentence...
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wisely you
fs
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are
cost?
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conscious they
fs
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teenager
should be plural
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cs
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theshittyartist.com theshittyartist.com
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When it comes to the rights of women, we cannot go backwards. We have got to go forward,” tweets elected presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders.
Embed the Tweet as a photo or at least link to it.
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“Not a single dollar of federal money pays for elective abortions at Planned Parenthood (or anywhere else).”
Good! But you sort of already talked about this, so I would move this up... and another indication of how an outline will help you tighten things up so you don't go around in circles...
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People will not need abortions BECAUSE of the services Planned Parenthood provides.
Can you find evidence to back this up?
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anonymous female
Is this someone you inteviewed? Maybe make that clearer...
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You didn’t defund abortions, you defunded the breast exams.
Explain-- you need to explain that PP gets no federal funding for abortion.
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PELVIC EXAMS, BREAST EXAMS, STD SCREENING AND TREATMENT, CANCER SCREENINGS
Link out to what they provide?
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government STILL continued to defund all Planned Parenthoods
Hyperlinks!
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After these allegations were proven FALSE
Hyperlink?
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Not only did this reach the internet, it soon spread to newspapers, social media, and even the news.
Hyperlinks?
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zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com
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coincided
?
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they have no chance to see what Trump says.
Needs clarifying. I think you mean that they are removed from his campaign events....
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Isis
caps
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nuclear war
Why nuclear? Are you talking about escalating violence in the Middle East, focused against the US? Are those threats primarily nuclear?
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Deportation of all Muslims
Cite source (hyperlink)
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7 million dollars
You need to cite sources for all of the numbers. Hyperlinks would be best.
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Even if it’s not drugs families as well are looking for a better life.
This feels sort of tacked-on, like it's a different topic altogether. Can you add a new paragraph instead?
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is
are?
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make a wall that borders Mexico and the U.S.
Add a link to source info for this.
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Trumps
should be possessive
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in
for?
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trump
Be careful with details like capitalization.
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Zack Matthews Robin DeRosa Composition February 22, 2016 Donald Trump for President?
I'd get rid of all this stuff. You are writing for the web and for an audience, you are not turning in a paper just to me.
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composition2blog.wordpress.com composition2blog.wordpress.com
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Canceling college and school forever sounds great to me!
Hmm. Really? This is a pretty serious little essay, and that ending feels too flippant and silly to match up with the kinds of things you cover.
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School alone is enough stress for us to deal with trying to please everyone and handle school at once is definitely not something people want to deal with everyday but unfortunately we cant get away from that
fs
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According to the article in US news
add link
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college, yes
cs
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different, there’s
cs
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their
Please make a study sheet for their, there, and they're and see me if you need help!
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than before
than before what?
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their
fix
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stress is studied deeper
Are you saying they study it deeper at Columbia? If so, that is not the same as saying they have more stress at Columbia. This sentence is confusing to me.
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its
incorrect
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Stress In College Students by Alan Riefman
Add hyperlink
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its
it's = it is
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van
?
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Whether it is four essays due by the end of the week with one math quiz and reading or financial aid not covering enough homework, your GPA or trying to stay awake in class
fragment
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financial aid not covering enough homework
This says "financial aid not covering enough homework." Be very careful with punctuation!
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the
?
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thetheoryofabouteverything.weebly.com thetheoryofabouteverything.weebly.com
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System thinking
Could this be a good thesis for you? That we need more system thinking as we address the environmental crisis?
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a watersheds
a= singular watershed=plural
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Temperatures will rise, both frost and growing seasons lengthen, and long term glacial melting will occur.
Add hyperlinks to sources to add credibility to your statements.
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thetheoryofabouteverything.weebly.com thetheoryofabouteverything.weebly.com
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president who won't try to “fire” a foreign leader
Does this connect to Rubio? How? Finish the thought...
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yria and the turkey russia
caps, but also punctuation.
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middle eastern
caps
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states, the
cs
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pollutants
?
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pollutants
?
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We live in a society today that showmanship, the lacking of you not caring if you offend people doesn’t matter.
Very confusing sentence...
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worked, if
cs
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Between their views on climate change, healthcare, guns, and national secretary
fragment, and also a serious typo
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lauraward15.wordpress.com lauraward15.wordpress.com
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A third political party is honestly a no brainier to me. You on the other hand might be wondering why I know what party I’m with and there is no way I’m changing my thoughts. When I started learning more and more about the election as well as the political parties I realized that I agree with arguments from both sides. Now think about this what if there was a party that you absolutely agreed with every single thing.
This is not clear. It sounds like you are saying this:
We need a third political party. But I like one of the two parties we have now and I won't change. But actually I like stuff from both parties.
I can't figure out what you are arguing in these opening lines... Needs to be clearer.
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ecfontaine.wordpress.com ecfontaine.wordpress.com
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Confused by why kids are being taught this way, I decided to look up more information on Common Core.
Love this intro! Catchy and descriptive!
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arciampa.wordpress.com arciampa.wordpress.com
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even serving our country
Wouldn't it be a huge problem for young people to have to serve in a war when they couldn't vote and effect the political process?
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can
The next link says 16 years old? Is that right? Are we talking about 16?
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ryanhaveyblog.wordpress.com ryanhaveyblog.wordpress.com
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he is very proud to stand with our officers
Links?
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says we need to give power back to our police.
Link?
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She has called for police body cameras
link?
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Hillary, that
cs
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guys, the
cs
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Sanders also states that the people have a right to be angry at cops
Link? Also, is this about racism? If so, do you think you need to address that in this paragraph, since I don't think (?) anyone would suggest that the police are scary to white people...
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too scary “militarized.”
Seems a bit awkward maybe?
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he is calling for a “demilitarization” of police forces.
Link to Bernie on this?
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Unsettling incidents such as these make officers become alcoholics, withdraw from society, or need counseling among many other things.
Maybe back this up with a source and hyperlink? Shouldn't be hard to find...
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can’t
couldn't?
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Police brutality has been a hot topic as of late. I am assuming you have all heard of Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Walter Scott, and Freddie Gray. But, have you heard of Officer Thomas W. Cottrell, Officer Douglas Scott Barney, Sergeant Jason Goodding, Deputy Sheriff Derek Geer, Senior Deputy Mark Logsdon, Senior Deputy Patrick Dailey Major Gregory E. Barney, Officer Jason Moszer or Special Agent Lee Tartt? That is a list of officers killed in 2016 by gunfire.
Powerfully done--great rhetorical strategy here.
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has
have?
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consequences.
I am thinking there are 2 paragraphs here: one on how the younger generation has lost respect for authority (maybe cite a source on this to add credibility? There should be stuff out there...) and one on how people need to accept the consequences of their actions.
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it, I
CS
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(Picture by Patricia Councell -https://flic.kr/p/pxxcoy)
Don't need this citation since you added the caption.
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meganandersonsite.wordpress.com meganandersonsite.wordpress.com
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kids
check this-- grammar issue
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If everyone got something than it would decrease the value or worth of that thing.
Is that the case with a high school diploma?
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free however
FS
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(Picture by Tax Credits -https://flic.kr/p/bu6u7Q)
You can add a caption to the picture by clicking on it, which will make this look lots better...
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zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBSrccdaqXo
You need to add the hotlink so it is clickable. See me if you need help figuring out how.
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mycomposition.weebly.com mycomposition.weebly.com
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The Greater Charter School Debate: http://www.usnews.com/opinion/knowledge-bank/2015/04/27/the-great-charter-school-debate-how-many-is-enough
Make these links "hot," and instead of just letting them hang here, go ahead and integrate them into your essay at the places where they go.
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Charter schools are considered "public schools" due to the fact they get public funding. Which will allow children to learn more? Deciding between charter school and public school is tough when it comes to which one will benefit a child more.
Your revision did not really clarify things. You say charter schools are public schools and then you say they are two different things. I get it, but your "fix" didn't really take away the confusion in the language of your essay. I think the intro probably needed a full rewrite?
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300moreseconds.weebly.com 300moreseconds.weebly.com
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I used
Fix the weird slash...
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It’s more like a tornado.
Nice!
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The surprise goes by the name of college
Funny!
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abigailpepin.wordpress.com abigailpepin.wordpress.com
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College isn’t easy though, it is very tough.
Comma splice (cs)
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Escape the lives they once had to have a brand new start.
fragment
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meganandersonsite.wordpress.com meganandersonsite.wordpress.com
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netflix
Remember to capitalize!
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lauraward15.wordpress.com lauraward15.wordpress.com
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probable
Read this out loud to see if you can hear the error.
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was
were
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Jake, the mountain
Comma Splice (CS)
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was
were
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mph, it
Comma splice (cs)
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events, this
Comma Splice (cs)
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Dads
should be possessive
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hire
higher
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All born and raised in Colrain
Fragment
-
Sam is the oldest he is 31
Fused sentence (FS)
Since you edited, this is now a comma splice (CS)
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probable
Is this the word you mean to use?
Tags
Annotators
URL
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ecfontaine.wordpress.com ecfontaine.wordpress.com
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most college students end up switching their major a few times anyway,
There are stats available on this, and they would be cool to add here.
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arciampa.wordpress.com arciampa.wordpress.com
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I started school at Plymouth State University this past fall along with the largest freshmen class in history. In order to relate to the stress of college expenses, I decided to look up some statistics on the average debt of graduates of Plymouth State University. In 2014, 85% of graduates left school with an average debt of $32,327. This can be discouraging when trying to find a career to cover the debt. Within the next five years, the average salary of those graduates will be around $42,000 a year. This is not enough to get your life started and pay back that debt. It will take several years to be able to pay back the debt completely. This makes me nervous because I want to do something I love, but I also need to worry about if it will be enough to pay back my student loans.
Great addition!!
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selinamurphy.com selinamurphy.com
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Its
Nope. :)
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too
too = also or too many
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but its unfair and black students should not have to worry about things like that
You can't assume your reader has read the article or that she understands what you mean here. This could probably be its own paragraph so you have space to really explain what you mean.
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its
wrong word
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forgotten, I
comma splice (cs)
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After reading this article
You need to add something about the article in the intro if you plan to talk about it. And add a hyperlink to it. You can't just toss it in down here without setting it up a bit...
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its
its = possessive (its big nose)
it's = it is
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to
too
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All possible questions you might of gotten in high school.
fragment
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of
have
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thisisformyenglishclasssite.wordpress.com thisisformyenglishclasssite.wordpress.com
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a story.
I use this anecdote in my classes a lot. Love it!
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wesgunblog.wordpress.com wesgunblog.wordpress.com
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This can be translated into everyday life with, by trusting your community and its support at college
Lovely.
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disconnect with yourself
not sure what this means.
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others, college
Comma Splice (cs)
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to
maybe familiar WITH?
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mycomposition.weebly.com mycomposition.weebly.com
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Although with teaching I can go wherever I want or wherever a job is available.
fragment
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crazy, that
cs
-
Which makes it hard to study for the test since the test has so much information on it
Fragment
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classes i
FS
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college, the
cs
-
college I
Fused Sentence (FS)
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some not at all is difficult
That's a wee bit awkward, grammatically speaking.
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all, you
Comma Splice (cs)
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chill1004.wordpress.com chill1004.wordpress.com
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classed
check this
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T
no cap needed here.
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experience. When
Seems like too much space between paragraphs, no?
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gabbay22.wordpress.com gabbay22.wordpress.com
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some people
I think it would be worth being more specific here.
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because once I felt less stressed about it, I realized how stressed I was in the first place
Nice!
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marissaallyson.wordpress.com marissaallyson.wordpress.com
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wanna
what? for REAL?
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week, when
cs
-
chool, you
comma splice (cs)
-
wanna
really? you sure?
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6 hours away from a place I called home my entire life.
beautifully said...
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However, this is not the case.
Do you have evidence to back this up? Link to it!
Tags
Annotators
URL
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theshittyartist.com theshittyartist.com
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So instead of telling us who we should be
Maybe that could tie back to the beginning a bit more? Could you link this imagined reader who is berating you for being stressed to your intro somehow? I feel like I lost the poop thread and ended up with this, but it didn't quite come full circle...
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Lets
Let's = let us
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As I have already stated, the pressure of a high GPA is at stake. We all live our lives with the dreams that we will someday have a hot spouse, beautiful car, and a nice home that has plenty of food. What if someone is happy without all of those things? Is that not deemed acceptable?
This is a good example of how your writing would benefit from a bit more organization. You can still sound spontaneous and fun, but you need to plan these paragraphs out a bit more so that each one has a focus and so that essay progresses in a way that the reader can follow. This one feels like it jumps backwards and then all of a sudden veers off in a new direction.
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life. Sure
Still not digging how close together these paragraphs are. Doesn't look slick enough to be on your beautiful ePort.
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