- Jan 2016
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The spectacular success made by the DPRK in
-> The DPRK's spectacularly successful execution of
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, a
-> and a
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,
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of
for
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the Korean people came to demonstrate the spirit of the dignified nation equipped with the most powerful nuclear deterrent.
-> The Korean people have demonstrated their strong spirit as a distinguished nation capable of producing one of the most powerful nuclear deterrents.
Dignified is one of those adjectives that a subject can't really apply to themselves. The author should avoid stepping into the realm of arrogance.
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in the most perfect manner to be specially recorded in history
Completely redundant. Either extol a different virtue of the test and how it was conducted or delete. Or something like:
-> By succeeding in this H-bomb test - a moment to be added to the timeline of global nuclear advancement - the DPRK...
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a higher stage of the DPRK's development of nuclear force.
Swap the order here, make the verb active, and define the higher stage. It sets up the proceeding paragraph:
-> This test elevates the DPRK's development of nuclear force to a higher stage: that of nuclear capable nation.
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Through the test conducted with indigenous wisdom, technology and efforts the
"Through the test, which was conducted exclusively with domestically-sourced technology and labor, the..."
Drop "efforts" as it connotes "trying" or work being done that was not productive. This is contrary to the author's message about Juche. Also, "wisdom" is not really a great word for the expertise required to build a bomb, rather in the discretion on whether or not to build it and then use it.
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are making a giant stride, performing eye-catching miracles and exploits day by day after turning out as one in the all-out charge to bring earlier the final victory of the revolutionary cause of Juche, true to the militant appeal of the Workers' Party of Korea (WPK)
Even with breaking this paragraph at "In" this run on becomes onerous. Without taking away too much from the author's style, which is partially bent on overwhelming the reader purposefully, I propose some re-ordering. Possible re-write:
"In this exciting period, when all citizens of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) are, true to the military appeal of the Workers' Party of Korea (WPK), performing indescribably herculean miracles everyday in their unified charge to bring the final victory of the revolutionary cause of Juche, we proudly announce a giant stride forward."
Ideally this would be further broken down, but the author would need to edit further.
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the national history
"the" has nothing to reference here. Since it is factually inaccurate that there is only one nation on Earth, despite what may be the author's wish to the contrary, "the" should be replaced with the subject, "DPRK" or similar.
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There took place a world startling event
Begins like a limerick rather than a serious piece of news - "There once was a man from Nantucket.." Also, world startling is not conventional English usage. Perhaps "earth shaking," which is clever in its literalism given that the tests registered seismically.
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Juche Korea will be prosperous forever as it holds fast to the great WPK's line of simultaneously pushing forward the two fronts.
No clue what the second half of this means. Rewrite needed.
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both in quality and quantity
-> , both in quality and quantity,
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its nuclear deterrence of justice
-> their justified nuclear deterrent
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vicious hostile policy
redundant.
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unless the U.S. has rolled
-> until the United States rolls
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neither be
switch to "be neither"
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for
of
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as already declared
-> , as already declared,
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The DPRK's access to H-bomb of justice, standing against the U.S., the chieftain of aggression watching for a chance for attack on it with huge nukes of various types, is the legitimate right of a sovereign state for self-defense and a very just step no one can slander.
This paragraph is a comedy of errors, literally. It requires an author re-write to fully preserve its intended message, but here is an attempt:
Self-defence is the legitimate right of every sovereign state. The DPRK stands against the United States - the "chieftain of aggression" that watches for any chance to attack with nuclear weapons of various sizes and capabilities. Taking necessary steps to ensure self-defence is a justifiable action by the DPRK. Thus, the DPRK's testing of the "H-bomb of justice."
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with mobilization of the hostile forces
It is not clear how this action supports the economic sanctions and human rights racket mentioned previously. I recommend deletion and replacement with the last phrase of the paragraph so it reads:
-> While kicking up all forms of economic sanctions and conspiratorial human rights abuse accusations against the DPRK designed to bring down the Juche social system,...
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and "bring down its social system"
Delete and move earlier in the paragraph.
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improvement of the people's living standard
-> improve the living standard of its people
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its building of a
-> the DPRK's ability to build a
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"human rights"
Putting quotation marks around 'human rights' gives the impression that the author disputes their existence. Remove the quotes.
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once again
-> , once again,
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The present-day grim reality
-> The grim reality of our present day
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clearly proves
This overuse of words erodes their impact. Delete "clearly."
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Genuine peace and security cannot be achieved through humiliating solicitation or compromise at the negotiating table.
This well-worded statement came out of left field. Kudos.
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since they have been constantly stormed with all nuclear strike means of the U.S. imperialist aggressor troops, including nuclear carrier strike group and nuclear strategic flying corps.
-> The region has been continuously bombarded by the United States imperialist aggressor's troops and with any and all means of facilitating a nuclear strike, including nuclear their carrier strike group and strategic flying corps.
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where a nuclear war may break out
->for possible nuclear war.
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The U.S. is a gang of cruel robbers which has worked hard to bring even a nuclear disaster to the DPRK, not content with having imposed the thrice-cursed and unheard-of political isolation, economic blockade and military pressure on it for the mere reason that it has differing ideology and social system and refuses to yield to the former's ambition for aggression.
This whole paragraph is a mess and needs to be re-ordered. There are several ways it could be done and the author should do a re-write. Here is a stab:
-> The United States and its allies are a gang of cruel robbers that have hard to bring conflict, even the possibility of a nuclear disaster, to the DPRK. All for the mere reason that the DPRK subscribes to a different ideology and social system. The United States is not content with having imposed the cursed trifecta of political isolation, economic blockade, and military pressure - unheard of in their severity. The DPRK refuses to yield to this ambition for aggression.
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even a nuclear disaster to the DPRK
Incorrect usage. The word "even" implies that there is some lesser threat that the U.S. has pushed past in a reckless way. In keeping with the suspected intent of the author, perhaps;
"...that have worked hard to bring conflict, even the possibility of a nuclear disaster, to the DPRK."
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U.S. is a gang of cruel robbers which
This is tough because the author has taken the U.S., a singular pronoun, and compared it to a plural group of people. Perhaps change to "The United States and its allies area gang of cruel robbers..."
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The DPRK is a genuine peace-loving state which has made all efforts to protect peace on the Korean Peninsula and security in the region from the U.S. vicious nuclear war scenario.
-> The DPRK is a genuine peace-loving state. It as made every effort to protect peace on the Korean Peninsula and ensure security in the region against the vicious nuclear war schemes of the United States.
Since a specific "U.S vicious nuclear war scenario" is not a commonly known concept and has not been defined in this document, a more broad reference needs to be made.
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the H-bomb test this time
-> this H-bomb test
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surely guarantees
pairing these two words makes the guarantee seem less sure. Delete "surely" as it is both redundant and undermining.
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the national significance
-> international significance
Don't backtrack on your message now! Specifically, the author earlier referred to the Korean peninsula and regional security, so it would be more correct to say international.
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Nothing is more foolish than dropping a hunting gun before herds of ferocious wolves.
No corrections, but the metaphor is unclear to some readers. Maybe add a clarifying statement that also reinforces the author's message.
-> Nothing is more foolish than dropping a hunting gun before herds of ferocious wolves. Rather than dropping it, the DPRK has traded in its hunting gun for an environmentally friendly H-bomb.
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the hostile policy the U.S. has pursued towards the DPRK.
-> what the United States has pursued toward the DPRK.
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word hostility
Unclear if this is a typo for "world hostility" or actual word hostility, such as insults.
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U.S.-led hostile forces
-> hostile forces led by the United States
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regional security
-> in the region.
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the
delete
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the sovereignty of the country and the vital right of the nation from the ever-growing
-> its sovereignty from the continuously expanding
"vital right of the nation" is unnecessary, "sovereignty" does the trick. Take a hint from Thomas Jefferson: don't use two words when one will do.
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for self-defence the
-> of self-defence that the
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possessed of even H-bomb
-> in possession of a H-bomb.
End sentence.
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proudly
-> has proudly
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the H-bomb test
-> this H-bomb test
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The test
-> This test
Keep the message focused.
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had no adverse impact on the ecological environment
Given the assertion of perfection, I'm taking the liberty to insert a few other descriptors to back up that claim:
"...in a safe and perfect manner: no injuries took place and the test will have zero lingering effects on the environment."
"Ecological" is an unnecessary modifier.
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conducted
-> was conducted
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was confirmed that
This usage is incorrect, as if the author is trying to fact check a source about an unverified piece of information. The tone of the author should remain consistently omnipotent in this piece because the author is the source.
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It
-> Furthermore, the H-bomb test...
Emphasize that, not only was the test of the H-bomb successful, but the testing was done in a safe, organic, environmentally friendly way.
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smaller H-bomb
-> a smaller H-bomb.
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for the purpose of test
I'm unclear on the meaning here but recommend putting this in parentheses or deleting.
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were accurate
"are accurate" as the technological specifications outlive the test, which happened in the past.
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fully proved
Avoid such assertions as it calls into question the veracity of the other claims being made. Change to something like "successfully demonstrated."
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eye-catching
An underwhelming adjective for the hyperbole the author is creating.
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in the exciting period
I recommend starting this as a new sentence.
"...spanned 5,000 glorious years. In this exciting period, when all..."
Note the other grammar/punctuation edits in that quote.
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DPRK
An acronym should be defined before being used.
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spanning 5,000 years
->that has spanned 5,000 years...
Given the tone, "that has spanned 5,000 glorious years" could also work.
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