10,000 Matching Annotations
  1. Jun 2021
    1. Crypto node implementations
      • from : https://discord.com/channels/478735028319158273/790825713094754364/847518960814784582 The issue with just using webnative in nodejs is that e.g. the webnative.initialise function depends on a bunch of browser-specific features, e.g. window.location and its query parameters (for authentication after redirecting from the auth lobby). However, it's possible to skip that layer and try to build the filesystem yourself. We've recently done that to support writing tests for webnative in node. The remaining thing you need to do is make sure to replace the underlying crypto keystore stuff that would usually save to indexedDB with something else. We've implemented an in-memory version here:
    1. Western painting, in so far as it is naturalistic, owes a great debt to sculpture, which taught it in the beginning how to shade and model for the illusion ofrelief, and even how to dispose that illusion in a complementary illusion of deep space.

      I thought this sentiment was very thought-provoking as it says a lot of truths about not just Western paintings but Western art in general. I feel as though what pioneered art is the observation of the natural world and its elements of lights shadows, three-dimensionality etc. This has later evolved into the art we know of today, encompassing all art movements. It's the style that is different but it all derived from the natural world.

    1. “There’s still this residual . . . instinct to think ‘Oh, it’s just TMZ, let’s wait for the Associated Press or the New York Times or the Los Angeles Times before we can say it’s true,’” said press critic and journalist Kurt Anderson. “I don’t think in, say, five years, that this will be the case.”

      TMZ is not being accredited because people at the time thought it wasn't a trustworthy source, that has changed

    Annotators

    1. Donovan: How the world wants you to be. How they raise you. What is good or bad? Actually, I have it on the book on my phone. Each time when I get depressed and stuff like that. It's a mental process. I really recommend that book. Actually, I have it on my phone, so I can share it to every person I am able to give it out to. There was a point in my life where the, the substance abuse had just taken over my brain, and I was going schizophrenic. I was diagnosed as being bipolar. My teacher, the one that that's always been with me my whole life, locked me up in a mental institution and she gave me the book to read. That book saved my life. And it saved my life so many times from doing stupid shit. And it's a really mind opener. Really mind blowing.

      Return to Mexico, reading

    2. Donovan: And the immigration center, they give you good food. My mom used to always put money for commissary. They told me that I had a chance to stay there and fight to become a US citizen. A year into me being there, I met a guy who had less crimes than I had, and he already said seven years there. I was like, “No, it's not going to do. I'm going to waste 10 years of my life. My mom's not going to see me, not even my friends from my school will see me.” The public defender I had, was like, “No,” she didn't want it. I was like, “You know what? I want to dip. I want to go. I don't care.” And she started telling me—it was a Mexican girl—things are fucked up. I was like, “I want to go. I can’t give a fuck. I want to leave right now.” And she was still fighting for me. I remember that time I stood up and I was like, “You know what, I no longer want her to represent me.” And the judge was like, “No, no. He doesn't know.” I was like, “I no longer want her to represent me. I'm over age. I can represent myself.” And the judge, I still remember, was like, “What do you want?” I was like, “I want you to deport me tonight. I want to be in Mexico right now.” It was a year and eight months. I was going nuts. I don't know. I was 180 pounds. I was a butterball, so I just wanted to leave. I found out about that guy's case and I was like, “You know what? I'm not going to waste seven years of my life here. I'd rather be somewhere over there.”

      time in the us, immigration status

    3. Donovan: Yeah. I felt like that was something that I needed to do because I consider myself not too literate, at some point ignorant, because I don't like reading books. Now that I'm starting to read books so that I'm around people that are super educated, I see that the culture, the religions that I think were forced upon us. And CNC, we were still slaves. We're still slaves to that religion. That's not our religion. Now, if you look at the Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mary is a resemblance of Tonantzin (Nahuatl), mother earth. It's like they do a lot of stuff to just enslave you. All the pyramids they destroyed, there's only I think 10% of the books that survive after they burned all the books. You had open brain surgery already at that age. We had dental work already. We had so much medicine. We had studies in astronomy. Our Aztec calendar to this day is one of the most exact calendars. It's like, you were evolving so much, so much, and then we just got chopped down. And that to me is frustrating.

      Time in the Us, identity, Mexican, native american, aztec

    4. I just felt limited, very frustrated. I never felt scared, but I think that's... We had a wellness coach here, her name was Natalie, and she was like, “It's not that you - you don't be scared, it is that you don't let yourself feel that way.

      time in the us, immigration status, lost oppurtunities

    5. Donovan: I never felt like I didn't have papers. I'm very easy to get along with, I make a lot of friends. My word of mouth, it's… I almost never stutter. I'm a very good person. My mom never even told me that I never had papers, until I got a little bit older in age. But it was frustrating that I'm not able to unravel my full potential. I had a lot of scholarships that got shot down, because of my status.Donovan: They disqualified me for a lot of scholarships, because of my status, so it's frustrating. Then you have my sister on the other side who's only three years younger than me and she's officially a lawyer, immigration lawyer, in San Francisco. She just passed the state bar exam three weeks ago.

      Time in the US, Immigration Status, being secretive

    6. Donovan: It wasn't, I don't want to say that it was nice, but it wasn't bad. They gave us really good to eat. The only thing that I didn't like, when I got boarded in the Oakland airport, that I got did the whole transportation to , they made us stay three days awake. You go on the plane, then it's on bus. Then you send you from shelter to shelter, and it's just, you're inside a basketball court, a school court full of 400, 500 people. You sleep wherever you want to. It's just, and then they wake you up, you almost never sleep. I remember that I was 72 hours awake and it was just crazy. It was just hectic. But once get into the immigration center, it's pretty chill.

      Detention, treatment;

    7. Donovan: It's depressed. You feel like you're alone. You feel like you're worthless. And then you feel sometimes like this is what I deserve. Well personally me, because I haven't been a good person. I'm not going to lie. I've done a lot of bad shit, but this is what I deserve. This is what I did in my life. This is what I caused for myself. If I were to listen to my mom, it would have been a little bit different. But you feel just like a loner, and then you come here and they segregate you because you can't talk good Spanish. So it just, you feel like a piece of shit. If you're not able to handle it, it tears you apart. It's really hard. But the food of Mexico is amazing. The culture here is, you see really where your roots come from. You're like, “Damn, I'm a fucking amazing person. Who has culture like this?” I don't think there's like another country that can compare itself to Mexico, in the food, the culture, in all that's happened to us. When I was younger with the same teacher that adopted me, she's an Aztec dancer. I had already knew about the Aztec culture. I was an Aztec dancer when I was smaller, so I'm really fond of Aztec Mayan culture. She's Native American, she's Apache. She sent me a lot, and then you look at that and like, now I see why Mexican people are so happy, why we are so up and going. Because that's how you got to be out here—you got to stick out like a sore thumb.

      Return to Mexico; Challenges, cultural differences, family separation, language; Mexico, best parts about being back; Identity, Mexican;

    8. My mom never even told me that I never had papers, until I got a little bit older in age. But it was frustrating that I'm not able to unravel my full potential. I had a lot of scholarships that got shot down, because of my status.Donovan: They disqualified me for a lot of scholarships, because of my status, so it's frustrating. Then you have my sister on the other side who's only three years younger than me and she's officially a lawyer, immigration lawyer, in San Francisco. She just passed the state bar exam three weeks ago.Anita: Wow.Donovan: Yeah. And it's, I don't know, I feel like I needed to be something big because of my moms, all that she went through. My dad passed away when we were four in a car crash. But it was just frustrating to see everybody else, “Well I can get this scholarship because of this, or I can go work here because of that.” And I'm like, I've always been a hard worker and I see them people that are just half assed. They have papers so they can be half ass.

      Feelings, frustration; Dreams; Immigration status, lost opportunities, broken system; Parents, expectations; Higher education, opportunities for, dreaming about;

    1. But as I mentioned before, for me to get stuck in a call center is a dead-end point. You don't go farther than what you're expecting to. This I learned, maybe I didn't also tell you about the story that I have encountered all over the call centers, which got me to getting my own business, a small little business, which is like a little grocery store. I found out that every time I used to go to a call center, I used to go down the stairs, try to get something to eat, a snack, and I saw this guy selling a lot of stuff down there. I used to give them almost like 50 pesos every time I went down to eat. That's when I was like, "Okay, what am I doing here? They're making more money than I'm making, and they're just here for a couple hours." That's one of the things I actually encountered in the call centers. You're there for eight hours. Nowadays, you don't get your lunch paid, which is like, it's another hour extra of your life because you have to travel two hours from your house all the way to work and then you have to travel back two hours from work to your house. It's very difficult.Beto:Like I told you, a dead-end point, because you might get to be a general manager, right? You're relying a lot on the companies, on the accounts, I should say the accounts because a call center, they also rely on the accounts. If the account moves and you already become a general manager or supervisor, if they moved back to States, you're going back to [_____] again. You go back to [_____], you go back to start at where you started from, like the beginning. I decided to stay where I'm at, which is just a regular agent. I mean I don't have any problems, such as if I become a supervisor then the money that you get, it's like, I was getting this much for now I'm going back to zero. I'm going back to my regular pay. That's the way I see it. After that, you hit the wall. You don't actually get to move forward.

      Return to Mexico, Jobs, Call Centers, Dead end

    2. Anita:You had a strong home environment. Your mother and father were there?Beto:Yes, yes.Anita:They were happy?Beto:They were happy because they didn't know what I was going through. I never told them my experiences at school because of the respect I have. I knew if I would tell them something that I was going through, because of Mexican culture before, they were very strict. I was afraid of telling them, "You know what, I'm going through this struggle at school, these difficulties" because my dad would tell me, "You're just going to study. That's why you're going. You're just going to study. Don't pay attention to anything, and I don't want you to do anything stupid. You're to go to school and that's it."Beto:I knew his answer already. I knew what he was going to tell me, so I just decided just to continue with my stuff. Now that I'm older. We have this conversation. I had this conversation with him. "Did you know about me having these difficulties with Chicanos, with black people? Did you know they wanted me to become a gang member? Did you know all this?" "No. How come you didn't tell me?" "Because I was afraid of you knowing that I was having this problem because I knew you weren't going to do nothing. You, you, you were not going to take me back to Mexico because we were already here." He's like, "I didn't know."Anita:How did you resist becoming a gang member?Beto:I resisted because I really didn't like it. Because of the culture here in Mexico, you don't fight for a street. Don't fight for a street. We fight, I mean we have this argument, because you took maybe something off me but not because of a street. We know it's stupid. We're like, "Oh, that's your street? You own it? Go for it." I'm like, "It's your street? What about the street? That's good.Anita:Thank you so much.

      Time in the US, Homelife, Parents, Expectations, School, Fitting in/belonging, Bullying, Gangs, Resisting affiliation

    3. Yes. Yes, I did. I didn't know it, I was just [mumbling 00:46:07] didn't know. But then I learned it. I remember we used to do the Pledge of Allegiance, it was every morning, every morning. After that, I don't know what happened to schools. They stopped doing it, but it was every day. I used to do it every day. The Pledge of Allegiance. I even learned the American anthem, but all of a sudden everything started changing. I really don't know why. Times change. Things change. It reminds me a lot when I used to ride my bicycle to school, put the lock on it. I felt like in the movies. When I was little, I felt like I was in the movies, because of me on a bicycle, putting my bicycle and locking it. I felt like the Back to the Future guy, and I always wanted some Nikes like this guy. It was difficult for the language. It was difficult for the culture because it got me mixed up with the American culture and Chicano culture. There was a big division there because I had to learn from both.Beto:That's when you get like a Chicano burrito, Americans potato, mashed potatoes in this. Then, okay, Chicano goes to LA Dodgers stadium, and he's American. Cinco de Mayo, he's Mexican. What's going on? It's like, what's going on with this guy? But then American culture, [sings] “take me out to the ballgame.” I asked my mom a lot of stuff. I asked my dad a lot of stuff, and I believe I mentioned when you asked me how I felt, American or Mexican? That's what they taught me. "You're Mexican. You're Mexican, you know the pyramids. You been there, you studied there. You remember this?" "Yes." Okay. Then you're Mexican. You're not American, but you're learning the American culture. Okay? Chicano, it's different. Way, totally, completely out of, don't pay attention. Yes. Pay attention. But don't go too much into it. You're Mexican."

      Time in the US, Adapting, US Traditions; Identity, Mexican, Chicano, American

    4. I miss the taste. I miss the relaxation, everything that's around in the States. It's very –you don't stress that much. I used to travel around at work and the view is beautiful. There's a lot of places that are beautiful. I haven't had a chance to travel here. But the food, the American stuff, the things I used to do early in the morning like to go to this American restaurant and ask for my hash browns, my bacon, jar of orange juice and a coffee, it’s just amazing. The cook was my friend and, he knew me already. "Hey Beto." "Hey my friend. Same?" It was amazing. Something that we don't have here. Something that's missing here when you go in, the way they treat you, it's beautiful.

      Reflection, The United States, favorite parts, missing

    5. Well, a call center is a great place. I have nothing to say bad about call centers because basically you're in the process of making money. Right? But as I mentioned before, for me to get stuck in a call center is a dead-end point. You don't go farther than what you're expecting to. This I learned, maybe I didn't also tell you about the story that I have encountered all over the call centers, which got me to getting my own business, a small little business, which is like a little grocery store. I found out that every time I used to go to a call center, I used to go down the stairs, try to get something to eat, a snack, and I saw this guy selling a lot of stuff down there. I used to give them almost like 50 pesos every time I went down to eat. That's when I was like, "Okay, what am I doing here? They're making more money than I'm making, and they're just here for a couple hours." That's one of the things I actually encountered in the call centers. You're there for eight hours. Nowadays, you don't get your lunch paid, which is like, it's another hour extra of your life because you have to travel two hours from your house all the way to work and then you have to travel back two hours from work to your house. It's very difficult.

      Return to Mexico, Job, Call Centers; Job, Call Centers, Dead end; Return to Mexico, Business, Opportunity

    1. Anita: So here, what's it like working at Teletech?Ivan: It's a pretty nice job actually. I like dealing with customers. I like taking calls, it's nice.Anita: But don't people scream at you?Ivan: Not if you talk to them, you know? Like you got to talk to them... But I mean, I do get kind of irritated sometimes. [Chuckles].Anita: What irritates you?Ivan: Sometimes the customers, they don't understand, they don't know where some stuff is at. It just—sometimes it gets irritating after a while. Yeah, but it's a good job. I can't complain.Anita: So, I wonder if you can tell me—I know this is a little fake—but because it was so moving to me, in your own words what you told me outside.Ivan: Yeah. What I like about this job is that it makes me feel like at home, like in the States. Once I go in there, I forget about everything. Just when I do go out the reality hits me and I see that I'm not in the States, I'm in Mexico City. But I do like to be in there. If I could, I'd stay in there. Like I do overtime, I like to be talking with the customers, you know, in the States. Yeah. We have a good conversation sometimes.Anita: Do you talk about lots of things about—Ivan: Well, we talk about the shows, you know, the programming, what's available to talk about in TeleTech.

      Return to Mexico, Jobs, Call Centers, Community, Opportunity

    2. Anita: How do Mexicans treat you?Ivan: It depends. Some people, they just see that you got good stuff and they just go ahead and rob you. Or they'll just pull up on the motorcycle and just get the money away from you, or whatever you do have. I know when you are in the States it's not even like that. Or if it happens, it's one in million, or you know? But not all the time. Like here, I've been robbed here like three times already.

      Return to Mexico , Discrimination / Stigmatization

    1. I don't remember a lot of stuff, mostly because what hit me was being separated from your dad. I can tell you that with my mom and my dad, I have lived all my 20 years. I got to see my two brothers little. Right now, they're older. Some point, that's why. Maybe I was distracted, or I don't remember about things because I just cared about my family, about my dad and my brothers.Carlos: My cousins, for instance, I had a really good relationship with them. Yeah, I think that's the most difficult part. But I had to pass at that time, you know? I really appreciate my grandparents for taking care of me, even though I'm not their child. They took care of me, and they're still taking care of me, even though I'm older. I have my own life. I can go places. I just go basically to sleep. I get Saturdays and Sundays off. I'm barely at their house, but I really appreciate it, that they took care of me.Carlos: Most of the times, I think about what would be different from living with my parents than my grandpa. You know, It's hard. It's hard. Maybe when you're a kid, you don't realize it, you just live. But once you truly know the love for your family, for your parents, it hits you. Not having my dad and my mom when I was in my important point of my life, a teenager. Right now that I’m 20. I haven't been with my dad so he can't support me. He can't give me that advice, that hug that maybe you would like, right?Carlos: He does give me advice through the phone, but it's not the same you know? He also send me money quite often, but I always say that the most important thing is being with your actual family than all the economic stuff or the money. Most important thing is the love and the relationship you have with them.

      Return to Mexico; Challenges, family separation, mental health; Family relationships, those who stayed in Mexico, those who remained int he US, new family formation; Age, journey back to Mexico; Feelings, sadness, isolation;

    2. Carlos: It's a long story. I had some friends—they were African Americans, Mexicans, also some from the States. I hanged out with them for a long time, but I didn't notice in that time, but it started getting, doing bad things and stuff like that. One day we were playing out, one of them had a car. One of them had a car. I remember it was a Corvette. An old one, though. Not like the one they have here, right?Anne: Yeah, cool.Carlos: Yeah. What basically got me in trouble was me being with them, because we were just hanging out. Supposedly, I thought we were just hanging out in the car and taking them for a ride, but what they did is go rob a pharmacy. I remember it was a Walgreens pharmacy. Everything went bad. In that instance, I didn't know what was happening. I thought they just wanted to buy something. The police came, and I got in trouble. There was some snitching there because the friend that was with the car, I think he found out about something and he left. I was with them.Carlos: That happened to be troublesome for me because one of them snitched, and they pointed out that I was there, too. Basically, I didn't do nothing bad, but I was at the wrong place and in the wrong moment, so that got me, a bad decision to me and everything, and all that happened.Anne: You were 15?Carlos: 15.Anne: Just a child.Carlos: Yeah. Teenagers. Brand new teenager.Anne: Were you part of a gang?Carlos: No, but they were, but I didn't know that. After, they told me. The one that I stuck with, he actually told me, "Hey, you know what? After they snitch"—and he knew—he was like, "Hey, you know what? You're about to get in trouble. We're in a gang." I really don't remember the name of the gang. They robbed, and they were just out for some money. I think in that moment, I didn't realize, but they took drugs.

      Arrests, Police; Gangs, resisting affiliation, activity; Drugs, selling;

    3. Yes, it was very hard. In that time, I'm the biggest son of my dad, and wouldn't have someone to interact with. Mostly it was my cousin. They lived a few blocks away from us, so I just hanged out with them. Right now I can remember they were teasing me for not knowing English. It's kind of fun once you understand, right?

      Time in the US, Homelife, Parents, Family structure

    1. Oh, yeah. I think of myself as Mexican, but I do love America. United States, because we are in America here. I always consider myself as being a Monrovian, Californian. I mean, I paid my taxes, I went to school there. I grew up there. I guess it's not where you're born, it's where you were raised. I love this place though too. I do, because out here, it's a trip. I mean, out here, you won't go broke. If you're a lazy person, you won't have ... there's work everywhere out here. You can do whatever. I mean, helping a lady take her bags to the car, she'll give you ten pesos. If you look for stuff to do here, there's stuff to do here. Just me, I just miss my life you know? I miss my life. It's way different, put on a CD that somebody's going to like ... then somebody’s not going to look right, "What the heck is that?" I mean, it's just hard, especially when you live around everybody who don’t speak English. They don't hear your stuff. I do have a couple friends though that are from out there too though, that are deported also. Because we find each other. You'll see somebody that has tags and you'll be like, "Hey, man. You lived out there before?" "Yeah, I lived in so-and-so. I lived in Huntington Beach," or "I lived in Long Beach." "Oh, is that right? Oh man, I lived in Monrovia." Become friends. That's why I still speak English. I mean, I don't lose my—

      Identity, Mexican, Monrovia

    1. Simply put, one of the major reasons Germany has a healthy book publishing industry, beyond its pricing law, is because Germans (like the English, the Irish, the Japanese, the French, and many other nationalities) tend to read more, and more seriously, than Americans. I can’t cite statistics to prove this, but after traveling much of the world I know in my bones that it’s true.

      from What Germans are Reading, "In fact, according to Culture Score Index of the UK-based market research firm NOP World, Germany is tied for 22nd with the United States for the amount of time spent reading per week, just 5.42 hours."

    1. Angelo: There could have been more people that heard my story, there could have been... Somebody should have said this is not right. Somebody should've said the police report is not right. I promise anybody could read the police report and it makes no sense, it makes no sense whatsoever. And I just feel like somebody could have said, "Well, hold on, this makes no sense at all. You know, let's ask him what happened." But it was never, "Okay, what happened?" It was always, "Okay, you did this." So that's where I saw the bad side of the United States legal system where I literally had no voice—and mainly being in Texas. I mean, in Texas literally, I was the bad guy because a little baby got hurt.Angelo: And so it was very hard, it was very hard. Even in jail there were people that would fight their cases and just because a woman said something—you didn't even have to actually do it—just because a woman said, "You know what, he did something," it was, "You're going to jail," just because of an outcry. So having this case of a little baby being in Texas, and just hearing all these stories, I was like, "There's no way that I'm going to get past this." And literally the very first offer was 30 years. 30 years, super aggressive, they put in that out of those 30 years, I had to do minimum 25 years. And it was just so scary for me because that was not me, I wasn't what they had on paper. I was not that person, I was different, I was completely—Isabel: Opposite of the criminals that you were surrounded by?Angelo: Exactly. And just hearing all these stories of people going through things in jail of all these things, I told myself, "Why are you here then? You're not supposed to be here. Why am I still here after six months? Why am I still here after a year? Why am I still here after me finally signing for some time?" I was like, "Okay, it's all going to be over. You're going to go home, you're going to see your mom." And then out of nowhere you get this paper that says order of deportation and you're like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what's supposed to be happening. No." And so it was like literally the world ended, and everything was taken just so fast. The only things that I have left is pictures just because of the situation that happened, I am not on good terms with the mother of my kids. And all I'm left with is pictures and just memories and that's the hardest. Not being able to just have some type of context, some type of pictures, or recent pictures and updates, something, something, something, it's very hard.

      Reflections, The United States, Worst parts; Time in the US, Arrests, False accusations, Prison, Feelings, Despair, Frustration; Leaving the US, Court proceedings, Reasons for Exit, Deportation,

    2. Isabel: Despite your own experience with the US justice system, you have like a larger faith that it is still like less corrupt than Mexico. Is that kind of what you're saying?Angelo: Well, it's very difficult because in the United States, when I would think about corruptions or anything like that, I think about families getting separated, all this stuff that's going on now with the news, with the President. Those are the bad things that I see up at the United States, about just this one guy has a problem with -- had an argument with one Mexican one day and it ruined his image for the rest of his life, and now a whole country has to has to suffer because of that. And I feel like the corruption here in Mexico is more inside of Mexico, more of being corrupt here and not having to do anything with any other countries or anything like that. But I do feel like there could've been more done.

      Reflections, The United States, Favorite parts, missing, Worst parts, US government, Mexico, Worst parts about being back

    3. Isabel: Yeah. I understand how you would really not want to ask anything from your dad, but it seems like you had to ask for help there. I skipped one part of the story and I just want to backtrack because I think it’s important. You were held by ICE [Immigrations and Customs Enforcemen] for detention for two months?Angelo: Yes.Isabel: Two months. Do you mind just touching on the conditions or like the treatment you experienced there?Angelo: As soon as I got into immigration…it was Houston. So I mean the immigration center, was, I can't say it was things falling down, things breaking apart, it was all right. What the thing that was scary, very scary was that before the first time that I went to court just talking to people, they will tell me that they'd been there three, four years fighting their case. And they had moms and dads that were United States, residents, citizens, and they were still there fighting their case. And I would ask them, "If you don't fight your case, what happens? And they said, "Well, you know, they deport you tomorrow." And I called my dad and I told him, "Look, dad, I don't want to be here three, four years. I don't want to be here. I'll sign my deportation."Angelo: And whenever I went to court, even though I had already told that to my dad, I still tried to fight for me being there, I talked to the judge and the judge told me, “You have a criminal charge in the United States and you're considered a threat, you're considered a criminal and you're considered a threat to the safety of our citizens.” Those are the exact words that he said, “You are a threat to our citizens.” And I told him, "Okay, well hold on. I have 20 years here, I have four kids here, my brothers are here and my whole family's here. You can't tell me this." And it was literally a one, two, three step process with him. There was no emotion with him. It was, "No, this is your option, sign, fight your case. But I guarantee you right now that you're not going to win your case."Angelo: So it was like, "Why are you giving me the option to fight my case if...[Sigh]" So I told him, "Okay, well let's sign." And literally the next day, that's when I got deported. And it was just me not wanting to be there, seeing everybody at immigration being there three or four years, and literally they had more chance of staying than I did. Favors were more on their side than they were ever on mine. So I said to myself, "If they can't do it, what makes you think that you're going to be able to stay?" And that was my main decision for me signing the voluntary deportation so I wouldn't be incarcerated anymore. I didn't want to be treated as a criminal anymore. I never felt like I was a criminal, and I got surrounded with criminals.Angelo: I got surrounded with people that -- I had to change my whole way of being. I had to exercise a lot, I had to change my way of being, I had to be so cold, so reserved just stay to myself because I didn't want anybody to mess with me. I wasn't meant for that. I was meant to be a father, I was meant to be a household person, I wasn't meant to be imprisoned, and it even got to me and I told myself, “No,” because there will be a lot of guards that would tell me, "You're a dirty Mexican." And there will be a lot of times where I would question myself, and I said, "Okay, well your bunkmate, he's here for murder, he's spending here his rest of his life, you're getting treated bad. Well, maybe you are a criminal, maybe you should just start being a criminal." And it was just so hard for me to stay focused on, "No, you got to get out of this, you're going to get out of this."Angelo: And at any given moment it would've been so easy for me to just explode or something bad to happen, and I just had to concentrate so much on just getting through that. Every single time that I got called something, it was just put your head down and, "Okay, no, you're right." And it was like that throughout the whole time of me being in prison and in immigration. It was just that, "You're a dirty Mexican." And there was nothing that you could ever say to them. If you said something to them, it was a five-year charge added to you. So it was just keep your mouth shut, do what they're telling you, and just keep your head down and stay out the way. And that's literally how I survived being in prison. I stuck to myself and I didn't mess what anybody.

      Leaving the US, Reasons for Exit, Deportation, Detention, Reasons, Framed, Court Proceedings, Judge, Imprisonment, Other inmates, Guards, Treatment

    4. Isabel: And that was kind of like your early experience, kind of struggling to be back in Mexico and come to terms with not being with your family. So where did you go from there, not only just job wise but, also, how long have you been back? And like what's been going on since then?Angelo: Well, from there they said I needed some time for myself to think. So I got offered a trip to Cancun, they paid for a month for me to be in Cancun. And literally I just vacationed and spend some time there. And I went with a cousin and we literally had so much fun that I said, "You know what, maybe things will be alright. From the difference of coming here to the state of Mexico and going to Cancun, Cancun was more lifestyle of what I was used to, more English, everything was so pretty. So I was like, "Okay, well they have places like this in Mexico, so maybe I could do this, maybe I could bring my kids down here."Angelo: And I spent a month in Cancun. And from there I came back to the city and I tried Uber. It was very difficult for me because I didn't know the traffic, how it worked. Literally all the speed bumps, I would pass over them going very fast and people would freak out, but I would just always tell them, "You know what, over there in the United States, they'll let you know if the speed bumps are coming" [Both laugh]. And so, I wasn't able to do Uber; I got kicked out of Uber. I tried doing my studies, that was very difficult and I'm still not able to do it because they won't validate my credits that I have from high school. They said that I have to go literally start from elementary all the way up. So I couldn't continue with my schools.Angelo: That got put on pause. And so I started visiting Mexico City. I started walking around Mexico City, the nice areas and that's when I started learning about these call centers. I applied for a call center, and it seemed all right money, compared to what everybody else was making. And, you know, it wasn't anywhere close to what I was making the United States, but for this lifestyle of me in Mexico City, it was all right. And that was difficult for me as well because I lived in the state. And so I would have to transport three, four hours to get to my job. I would have to wake up at 4:00 in the morning and get to my job at 8:00 in the morning. And I'd come home at 11:00, 12:00 at night.Angelo: And so that went on for about four or five months until I literally said, “I can't do this anymore.” I resigned from AT&T, and I've literally been stuck since then besides from my mom giving me what she can—my mom doesn't work so the main income is from my father. Me and my father not having that awesome relationship, I feel shameful asking for him for anything. So, there'd be times where my mom would send me $10, $20, and literally got me two or three days, and that's literally how it's been going on for past couple of months.Angelo: Until recently I was staying with family, and one thing led to another—my aunt from the United States visited and she did not like how things were going for me. She said, "You're just sitting around, and you have no need to work because people are sending you money, so I'm going to give you a need to work." [Chuckles]. And she kicked me out. And literally that was two days ago. So that's where I found New Comienzos. I've been running around trying to try to get help because literally right now, I'm on my own. I literally had to break down to my dad. I broke down, and I told him, "I need your help. I need you to be there." And he heard me, and so just yesterday I got my apartment, and, you know, moving forward.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Employment, Economic well-being, Continuing education, Jobs, Occupation, Call Centers, Dead end

    5. Angelo: No, it's actually the very first time that I've been able to tell this without actually crying or anything like that because I don't want to embarrass myself or anything. Yes, it's very literally very hard. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, right now my kids are in birthday season—my kids literally have birthdays back to back. So I mean, it's literally hard. My first Christmas here, I had no idea it was already Christmas until I saw lights. So, I literally just stood in front of them where I was staying—I was staying with my uncles—and I just stared at the lights and just broke down. And there's many times where that happens to me. There's a car that I used to have, or let's say McDonald's or any little thing, a pretty park—I walk by a pretty park—and I just picture my kids. So, it's very difficult mainly because of my kids. That's all I wanted to be, a father. I want to say that I gave them everything. And it's just very hard not being able to, for all that work to just be taken away just like that.Isabel: Yeah. I mean especially when you're saying like being a father, being a good father and talking about not being able to forgive your own father for the way that he treated your mother, being able to rise from that, to be the man that you want to be. Not having that figure as a father, like knowing you don't want to replicate that.Angelo: Exactly.Isabel: And the cruel irony of then still be pictured as that person that you never wanted to be.Angelo: Exactly. And that was my main goal, just like you said it, that was the perfect words. I wanted to be someone that my father was never to me and to my family. So, I said “I'm going to be the best father,” and I want to say that I was, but it just got taken away. It's very hard because my kids right now, they stay with their grandparents—they don't have a father. I think to myself on Father's Day at school, what are they making? Who are they giving the projects to? My oldest son, he remembers me.Isabel: You mentioned that your return to Mexico was very difficult, you had a lot of struggles, like all the alcoholism, also finding a job, socially. Do you mind just going into some of the obstacles you ran into on your return?Angelo: On my return to Mexico, my very first day here in Mexico, I spent the night in on the border, in Tamaulipas, Mexico. And literally I didn't want to do anything else. The very first thing I did was go to a store, and I bought a beer and I asked the lady at the store, "Will I get in trouble if I walk around the streets with the beer?" And she said, "You'll be fine. You have two or 300 pesos, right?" I said, "Yeah I just came back from the United States, I have money." “You'll be fine, if somebody pulls you over, just give them that and you'll be completely fine. “So that was the very first thing I did getting here to Mexico. There's so much alcoholism in my family that when I got here in Mexico, I said, "Okay, well it's in my blood. Let's go for it." And literally there will be times where I would just go out and buy a vodka bottle and go to my room, buy some orange juice and just literally drink until I passed out. And that went on for about half a year until one day, I guess I got really sick. I had the hiccups a lot that three or four in the morning, I was making too much noise.Angelo: I literally do not remember this, but there were people banging on my door trying to get in. Nobody was able to get in, they had to break the door down. And from what they told me, I was just in a corner and just literally choking on myself, with so much hiccups that, and I was just [inaudible]. The next morning and everybody sat down with me, and they literally—Isabel: Who’s everybody?Angelo: My uncles. I was staying at my uncle's house, so my uncle's family sat down with me, my cousins, and they had to pull me straight. They literally said, “You're not right.” They didn't talk to me too much because just them saying “You're not all right,” it clicked into my head that it was a very, very, very first time that I blacked out drinking, the very, very first time. So I told myself, "How do you not remember this happening? How do you not remember any of this? Or why are they telling you this? What did you do?" And I just saw my father all over again, and that was it, that's when I stopped drinking on the daily.Angelo: Yes. Because depression is a big part of my life. In the United States, I got diagnosed with bipolar depression, so there's just times where one time I could be happy, and then I think of something and literally my world ends. So getting here to Mexico, that was my escape, that was my answer, that was my... I can't say it wasn't the answer because for me my goal was to destroy myself, my goal was to get mugged in the middle of the street. There would be times where I literally walked around the state of Mexico three, four in the morning, just in the middle of the street, just looking for trouble. I wanted somebody to find me, I wanted somebody to…you know, all these dangerous streets that people were telling me, I wanted that, I don't know, I wanted to just destroy myself.Angelo: I wanted to get beaten down, I wanted for something bad to happen, and it was very hard. So whenever they had to break down the door, it was a big eye opener because they had to call my mom, and my mom did not know any of this. And my mom's a very big important part of my life, even over there she would always help me with stuff. She would always run around with me, she would always go shopping with me if I needed anything for my kids, she was always right there, if I needed babysitter, she was always right there. So whenever they had to call my mom, and they told her, "You know what, your son is doing this" [Emotional]. That brought so much shame to me, and that's when I said, I told my mom, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to do what my father did, so I'm done." And that was it. That's when I said, "I'm not going to do this again to my mom."

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, family separation, mental health, Family relationships, feelings, sadness, disappointment, frustration, despair

    6. Isabel: Just in the moment when your baby fell off the bed, was she pushed back onto the bed and then that—Angelo: It was because of that same reason that she did not let me leave the room. And so I got her, and I moved her away from the door. I literally got her and I tossed her on the bed and that was me not thinking.Isabel: That is just such a tragic…Like it's the worst way that could have gone. Again, I'm so sorry that it went like that. And thank you for sharing that, and that was the most difficult thing to -

      Time in the US, Feelings, Tragedy

    7. Isabel: Yeah. I mean, that's incredible. And it sounds like you're really making a life for yourself and for your family in the US. So can we, I guess start to move into the events that brought you back to Mexico? Just going into those in more detail.Angelo: Okay. Well, I remember the date perfectly. It was November 12, 2015. That's the day that me and my baby mama, wife, girlfriend argued. It was a very childish argument. Do you want me to go into full details?Isabel: Whatever you're comfortable sharing. I know we talked about this in the survey, but we'll just reiterate it.Angelo: Okay. So we started arguing, my girlfriend was a type 2 and was that explosive type 2, where she always had to get the last word. And if we weren't done arguing, she would continue the argument even if I needed a breather, she's, "No, we got to talk because we have to talk." And so that day it was basically like that. We were arguing, one thing led to another, she fell on the bed and my little six month baby went flying. As soon as I saw that I tossed myself, and I swooped her up, but—Isabel: Swooped up the baby?Angelo: Yeah, but it was too late, her ear hit the floor. Her ear hit the floor, and I tossed myself, so I hit a bunch of furniture and bunch of stuff fell on top of us. And baby started crying and she wanted to take off with my kids—I love my kids to death.Isabel: Kids? So it was the baby, and also?Angelo: Yes. I have four kids in total. My oldest kid was barely going into elementary school, so that was the main reason why we always argue a lot, because I told her if my kid's going to start elementary school, he's going to stay in one school. We're not going to have him moving around from school to school just because we're arguing or just because we have problems. If we're going to do this, we're going to be a family, and we're going to get through this. And that was the main reason why we stuck together, I would say the last couple of years, because even though we didn't have that much love for each other anymore, it was basically we loved our kids too much for us to do anything else. And so, she wanted to take the kids, so I absolutely didn't let her. There was a point where I called the police because after the baby stopped crying, she wanted to put her in the car seat, and I told her no. And it got to the point where we were literally tugging at the car seat.Angelo: We were playing a tug of war at the car seat with a little baby in a car seat. I told my little brothers, "You know what, I need you to sit down and help me." Because we were alone at the house and I didn't want anything to go wrong. So I told my brothers, I need you to help me, I need you to sit down right here and see what's going on. Well, I have two brothers. I told one, “Sit down and see what's going on.” And I told the other one, “I need you to call the police.” I called the police and they told me, “It's a civil argument, we can't do anything until one of you puts your hands on each other, then you can call us.”Isabel: How old were you?Angelo: I was 21 years old. I called the police multiple times, they never came. It got to the point where I was sitting in the living room, and out of nowhere I see my baby mama grab her things and just take my daughter. I had two boys and two daughters. My two boys were the oldest and the two daughters were the youngest and the baby of course. And she took the toddler, the two-year old, she took her by the hand and left through the back door. As soon as she did that, I called the police again and I told them, “You know what, this is way out of hand. She's literally taking off with my kid, she's out of control. I don't want her to be detained, I don't want anything, I just don't want anything to happen to her because she's crazy right now, she's super mad and I know her, the way she drives, something's going to happen.” They never showed up. I promise you if they would've showed up then, anyways—Isabel: No, I‚Angelo: If they would've probably showed up then, the first time that I called them, everything probably would have been…I probably wouldn't have ended up deported. So, she left with the kid—Isabel: Are the other kids at your house during this time?Angelo: Yes. At that point I had told my brothers, "Take my kids, go watch TV and just keep them entertained." So my wife took off, me and my kids spent the afternoon in my mom's house. The next morning, it was around seven o'clock in the morning, I took my newborn out to get some sun and I was out there talking to my mom. While talking to my mom, she paid attention to my little baby and she said, "She has a bruise." And I asked her where it was because I hadn't seen it and she told me, “It's on her ear.” And right away I started putting things together and I said, "My little baby got hurt, something happened." I didn’t tell my mom at the time what had happened, and then I told her, "What do I do?" And she said, "Okay, well maybe it's a spider bite. We need to take her to the clinic." We took her to the clinic, as soon as we got to the clinic, all fingers were on me. They asked me, "Where's the mother?" And I told her, "Well, the mother's not here."Angelo: "Well, we need the mother because this is not a spider bite, this is a bruise. And we need you right now immediately to take the baby to the hospital, and there's no way around that. You need to go right now because we have people that are waiting for you." As soon as I got to the hospital, I was greeted by a detective. Literally the whole hospital was running around trying to figure out what happened. That detective from the little city that I was staying—it was a very little city and very, very, very little city. So by all these arguments with my girlfriend, they had already gotten to a point to where they knew us. They knew we were a toxic couple, there was always things going on, there was always cops needing to control the situation or calm it down.Angelo: So, by the time I got to the detective, she did not want to hear my side of the story. She said, "The little baby got hurt, I have four children, I'm going to put you behind bars." My wife got there, they asked her what happened and she said, "It was his fault." This was around 1:00 AM in the morning, I had planned to stay there with my little baby throughout the night. I was in the restroom about to take a shower, getting ready to lay down. I had already given my keys to my car to my sister because she didn't have a way home. So I was literally preparing the water for me to take a shower and they knock on the bathroom door, I come out, and they said, "You need to leave the room immediately. You need to leave the hospital immediately. And in the morning we're going to have an order for your arrest." And I told them, "Okay, well hold on. What's going on?" And they said, "We can't tell you anything, you just can't be around the little baby."Angelo: I told him, "No, I can't leave. I'm not going to leave my little baby." And they said, "Okay, well you can leave right now, or I can give you a ride home, if I can give you a ride home, then I'm going to have to go ahead and read you your rights." I didn't know what's going on, with them saying that I panicked, and even the hospital ladies were literally scared and they didn't know what was going on. And they were on my side and they told the police officer, "No, no, no, hold on, hold on. He doesn't have a way home, but we're going to get him a taxi. We're going to get them a taxi, we're going to give him the taxi pass and he should be good to go." So they gave me the taxi pass, I went home, nobody showed up the next morning. I called them around half the day because by that time, throughout the time that I was in the hospital without me knowing, they had already went to my house and picked up my other children.Angelo: The next morning, after them telling me to leave the next morning, I called the police station and I told him, "You know what? I need to know whether my kids are all right, where they're at, I need to know what's going on, I need to know something because you haven't told me anything, I don't know where my kids are at, I don't know if they're with their mother, I literally don't know anything. I need you to tell me something." And they told me somebody will get in contact with you soon. I spent a month waiting. I was working, I came home, my mom was crying on the couch and she told me that they had an order for my arrest and I told her, "Okay, well what's next?" And she said, "I don't know son."Angelo: I told her, "Okay, well I'm going to go tomorrow and I'm going to see what's going on." The next morning, I was on my way to the police station, I was walking because obviously I didn't want to take my car. So I was walking to the police station, it was a couple blocks away. When I was walking towards there, I guess they had went some other way where they hadn't seen me, but the police were going to my house and they didn't see me walk into the police station. So they went to my house and they asked my mom, "Where's he at?" And she said, "He's walking to the police station as we speak." Literally it was like, I was the biggest terrorist in the world. They closed down the streets, they put fire trucks, they had detectives, and literally they greeted me with, "Mr ____, how are you doing?"Angelo: So hypocritical because after them saying that they threw me on their hood and put cuffs on me, and I was literally in front of the police station when they did this. So a town so small, everybody saw, all the neighbors, schools, everybody saw. And I was like, "Really? I'm literally in front of police station. Why are you doing all this?" And I was just the biggest terrorist at that time. And I'm getting into jail, they told me that I was being charged with serious bodily injury because it turns out that in her ear she had a little bit of internal bleeding, and they weren't sure if that was going to affect her or not. Thankfully she was only at the hospital for one day, but I didn't know that, I had no idea.Angelo: So literally it took them about a month for them to build their police report. Once I got to read the police report, it made no sense whatsoever. The detective literally twisted my words because once the detective was at the hospital asking me questions, she asked me, "Who did this?" And I told her, "You know what? I know how this goes, my mom works for the state. My mom has her own daycare." Me and my mom went to the clinic, me and my mom came to the hospital. If at any time I was going to think, "Hey, you know what, maybe I'm in trouble. I would have given the baby to my mom and I would have not presented myself, but I'm here with my baby. I have my baby in my arms, this is my life. You can't tell me that you're going to put the blame on me. I wouldn't be here if I feel any type of guilt." So on the police report it said Angelo ____ brought the baby to the hospital because he feels guilty.Angelo: And so that was a done deal. Once I got into prison, got my lawyer, there was a pretty good chance of me fighting it. First three months, I presented myself to the court. Well, they took me to the court because I was already detained and my first offer was 30 years. They told me 30 years or fight your case. Ended up waiting six months, and they went down to 25 years, ended up waiting a couple of more months, they didn't go down at all until my lawyer said, "This is where we're at. You want to protect your wife so much, you love her so much, you don't want her to go to jail, you're planning to throw away your life, 25 years.” She literally took out her phone and showed me a picture of my wife in Miami with some other dude, and then—Isabel: Where are the kids?Angelo: With their grandparents. And then I told my lawyer, "Let's go to trial, I'm going to fight this." The next day the state called me, and they said, “We're going to offer you three years.” And I told my lawyer, "Okay. So what's going to happen?" She said, "You've already done nine months. You've got to do a couple of more months and you'll be good to go." And I said, "Okay, well, I'm not going to put the mother of my kids behind bars, I'm never going to do that ever in a million years, no matter whatever she's done, I'm not going to be the person to do that." So I said, "Okay, I'm going to do a couple of more months, it seems that I have an immigration bond, so I should be good to go." As soon as I got to prison, immigration bond was gone. I got my papers for deportation and my road ended because I thought a couple of more months and the nightmare is over. But I ended up being deported.Isabel: That's just like a series of people twisting and it does sound exactly like a nightmare. I'm so sorry that that happened.Angelo: Yeah.Isabel: I totally get what you're saying. Like, “If I'm here and I'm carrying my baby, if I was guilty, why in the world would I be here?” Like there's so many steps that I feel like for me so clearly indicate you not being guilty. I think it does kind of get back to problems with US authorities and the immigration services where it's like obviously you're undocumented, or they see that you're Mexican, they're going to assume and paint the picture they want even if you in no way fit that picture that they want. And it's so out of your hands because they have all the power in these situations.Angelo: Exactly.Isabel: I just really want to clarify your story for this, in the altercation with your girlfriend or wife, when the baby was on the bed and she was trying to leave with her. And you were saying, "Please don't, you're not leaving with my children." Like, when you said you're in a toxic relationship. Did it also get physical sometimes?Angelo: It got physical. It got physical because there were points where she would stand at the door and that's the only time it got physical because she would get hit by the door. I would try to pull the door and she literally stand there and, I insist, and pull the door even harder. There was one time where we were playing tug of war with the door, and I let the door go and out of nowhere I just see lights—I see lights. Yeah, she hit me, she hit me in my eye. And I grew up with my dad being an alcoholic, I grew up seeing that happen to my mom. Even to this day, I can't forgive my dad. Me and my dad, we can say we love each other, but I will never forget that.Angelo: So that was always in my mind. I have a sister, I have a mom, I'm never going to touch a woman. So whenever I saw lights, I was like, "Okay, that's going to make you feel better, go ahead." So at first, she started slapping me and then I saw lights because she punched me in my eye. As soon as she punched me in my eye, I was like, "Okay, okay, okay. it's not slaps anymore, you're out of control." I held her, she was facing the wall, she bit me. She bit me so hard that I literally I threw her, I literally let go and she hit the wall. She hit the wall and I think she said she bit her lip, I'm not sure what the police officer said, but she ended up spitting up blood because at that point she told me, “Get out of the house.”Angelo: And at that point, we were living by ourselves and I told her, “This is my house, I'm paying rent, there's no way I'm leaving. You can go to your room, I'll stay in the living room, I'm not going anywhere.” So she picked up the phone to call the police, at the same time I picked up the phone to call the police. And so we were both on the line with the police. I waited outside for the police, I waved them down. I literally waved them down and I told them, "Hey, you know what, this is what happened." They took pictures of my eye, they took pictures of the bite, and at the end of the day it was my fault because a woman got hurt. So that was the only point it ever got to a physical altercation.

      Time in the US, Relationships, Having Children, Complications, Break-ups, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Feelings, Despair, Tragedy, Arrests, False accusations

    8. Isabel: And you said you became a chef—you started at Applebee's—can you tell me what the restaurant experience was like becoming a chef and moving around from there?Angelo: Well, when we first got to the U.S , my dad got into construction and so after a few years he got tired of that physically—it was very physically demanding—so he got into the restaurant. By the time I was 16, he had already had his status. He was a very good cook, so he brought me along. I was under his training from then on. I got that spark again, to want to do something, because I saw everybody, how they treated my dad, and literally just because I had his last name, it was, "Okay, you got the job." And my dad was at a very prestigious level to where many people would call him offering jobs or—Isabel: Your dad was undocumented as well?Angelo: Yes. When I saw that, I was like, "Okay, I might not be able to go to college, but maybe I could become a manager, maybe I could have my own kitchen, maybe I could have my own store, my own restaurant." And so being under my dad's training gave me that spark. I overpassed my dad, there were points after three years in a restaurant where I wasn't my dad's son anymore, I was my own person. I could go up to people and they would be like, "Yeah, I know who you are." At first it was all like, "Okay, who are you?" “Well, I'm ____ son.” “Oh wow. Okay, well here you go.” But then after a while it was, "Okay, well we need you because we've heard of you and we need you to pick our store back up." And so after that, that was my goal to have a restaurant, my own restaurant.Isabel: What was your favorite restaurant to work at?Angelo: That's very difficult, but I would probably say Applebee's just because that's where I started, and it just brings so much memories of me learning, me getting that experience, me burning myself a lot. And so yeah, that was probably the best time of my life, working at Applebee's.Isabel: Even though you went on to surpass your father?Angelo: [Affirmative noise].Isabel: It's really cool. So, you have kind of like this going…Start pursuing cooking and kind of earning that prestige or going after your father. But then you also mentioned that you're doing this because you had to support a family. Were you living with your baby's mother at the time? Were you together?Angelo: Well it was very difficult because at the age of 16, my father had legal problems. He ended up going away for, I would say, half a year-a little bit more than half a year. Throughout that time, there was a point where I had to basically become the man of the house. My mom doesn't drive, so I would take her to her job and I would bring her back. There was many times where I had to drive at three or four in the morning. So at the age of 16, I wanted to become that. I wanted to become that man of the house. And really that's the main reason why I had my baby, because I said, “I could do this, I want this, I want to be a father, and I'm going to be a father.”Angelo: And so, at the age of the age of 16, I moved out of my parents' house. After three months of working, I moved out of my parents' house, got my own apartment. And I ended up working two jobs at a time to be able to support my family and be on my own. After a while it was very difficult. So, there were plenty of times where we'd be on our own, and then something bad would happen financially, and so we'd go back to our parents' house. It was just basically on and off being on our own and not being able to make it.Isabel: So you said you were 16, so did you say you were older when you were renting a house or an apartment or anything that you'd pretend?Angelo: Yes, when I was 16, I had to get fake IDs, fake social security cards, and so that's how I got my apartment. Even 16, I looked older than what I was, so it was really no problem for me to apply for an apartment, or anything like that.Isabel: Did the restaurants that you would work with or the people there know that you were undocumented or that are younger?Angelo: No.Isabel: How old were you when you were becoming the chef?Angelo: 16.Isabel: That's incredible. I'm learning how to like... the other day I Googled how to cook chicken [Both laugh].Angelo: It was very difficult, but I wanted to do that. I saw my father, and I wanted to be him. I wanted to be him.Isabel: So, I'm just still trying to wrap my head around this. So, I know you started at Applebee's, but when you started at the last restaurant you work for, it was this like English, British kind of style. It's more on the other ends of the Applebee's spectrum?Angelo: Oh very.Isabel: Very much like more high end?Angelo: [Affirmative noise].Isabel: How old were you when you were a chef for that restaurant?Angelo: I was 20, 21 years old.Isabel: So that's kind of like where your career span…still so incredibly young. So how old did they think you were when you were working for them?Angelo: Then I could say I was 21.Isabel: Okay, so then that's fine.Angelo: Yeah.Isabel: That's enough credit.Angelo: Yeah, by then they knew who I was. There was points where I would get called in from other stores and they would tell me, “Leave where you're at and we'll give you $3 more.” Literally, I've never made minimum wage. And so that's basically how about how I got to $15.50 at the end. The reason I went to the British restaurant was because I was at Applebee's, and me and my dad would bump heads. He was the top chef, and I would also be considered the top chef. So whenever we would work shifts, it was all like, "Okay, so who's in charge?"Isabel: Literally too many cooks in the kitchen.Angelo: So that's when I said, "Okay, well I got to be on my own. I got to do my own thing.: And thank God I was able to do it. I put my mind to it and I got my name out there.

      Time in the US, Jobs/employment/work, occupations, chef, feelings, pride, dreams, excitement, hope

    9. Angelo: Yes, it was very difficult. Growing up like, up until middle school, I was all about school. I was in honors, AP classes, all of that. There was a point where one of my teachers—one of my reading teachers—basically just had me by myself because whatever she was teaching wasn't enough for me. She had me on a college level reading. I forgot the book, The Count of Monte Cristo? The Count of Monte Cristo.Isabel: That's definitely college level [Laughs].Angelo: Yeah. So—Isabel: In what grade?Angelo: I was in the eighth grade. And so that was awesome for me because I feel like, “Okay, I'm not from here, but they're praising me, and they're saying I'm doing good." And I'm sorry, what was the question?Isabel: No, no, that was perfect. I was just saying it's a hard dynamic, like refusing those opportunities.Angelo: Yes. And so after middle school, I was also into poetry a lot. I got a reward and I was asked to go to Nevada to receive the reward in front of a bunch of people. The website was legit—it was if you search poetry on Google, it was the very first one that came up. It was even to a point where you search my name and my poem came up. I got a mail certificate inviting me to Nevada, Las Vegas, Nevada to receive that reward. I ran around the house; I told my sister. But at the end of the day, it was that risk of if we go, we're going to get pulled over, and we're going to get deported. So, you can't receive that certificate.Isabel: And this is a poem you've written yourself?Angelo: Yes.Isabel: What was it about?Angelo: I think it was a love poem, it was most definitely a love poem, yeah.Isabel: I love poetry too. I only imagine how awful would be to when you pour yourself into a piece of art, like poetry, and then get recognition for it, and how amazing that feels, but then having that last hurdle that you can't go over.Angelo: Yeah. So, once we got that established that "No, you can't." Basically, for me it was like, “So what's the point? So what am I working for? If I finish high school, I'm not going to be able to go to college, what's the point?” And I really never saw a future after middle school.Isabel: Yeah, I feel like some students in high school have a hard time staying motivated knowing that they might be able to go to college someday. So, like being a high school student and knowing that you can't because of the law, I can only imagine being very discouraging in terms of doing that work. You mentioned you stopped going to school midway through your junior year, so what happened there and where did you go from there?Angelo: Well I dropped out of school because I had a baby. So from then on it was basically work, work, work. And that was basically my life after junior year—just work and work.

      Time in the US, School, Working hard, getting good grades, Extracurricular activities, poetry, Struggling, Dropping out, Immigration status, lost opportunities, in the shadows

    10. Isabel: Yeah. I mean, it's really hard to pull back on those memories. From the ones that you're more sure of like going into school, any friends or teachers that stood out?Angelo: I remember going to school, it was very scary for me because I didn't know the language. There were many times where I would just cry. The teachers would try to comfort me, but I would just scream—I didn't know what was going on. Even times when I was in pain, I couldn't tell anybody what was going on. So it was very difficult. I did have one friend, and that was my closest friend. I was very young, so it was like I needed that, to have somebody support me. You know, obviously my parents were there, but maybe they spent more time trying to get them situated, and not really introducing us to the American life. So it was, basically go to school, you're on your own and then come back in your home. So it was basically like I had to learn everything by myself.

      Time in the US, School, Learning English/ESL, Struggling, Feelings, Fear, Frustration, Despair, Sadness, Solidarity

    11. And that was my main goal, just like you said it, that was the perfect words. I wanted to be someone that my father was never to me and to my family. So, I said “I'm going to be the best father,” and I want to say that I was, but it just got taken away. It's very hard because my kids right now, they stay with their grandparents—they don't have a father. I think to myself on Father's Day at school, what are they making? Who are they giving the projects to? My oldest son, he remembers me.

      Children; Regret, Reflection

    1. Anne: Yeah. And you're working, I guess?Carolina: I am.Anne: But what kind of work?Carolina: It's at TeleTech. It's a phone—Anne: Call center?Carolina: Oh yeah, a call center.Anne: How is that?Carolina: It's really good. I'm liking it.Anne: How long have you done it?Carolina: This is my second week.Anne: Oh.Carolina: Yeah, I just turned 18.Anne: Did you work before then or is this your first job?Carolina: I worked in a hog farm over there.Anne: In a hog farm?Carolina: Yeah.Anne: So the hog farm must've been outside of the city?Carolina: No, we lived close to it actually.Anne: Okay, so you're liking this better than the hog farm?Carolina: Yes and no. It was really nice working in a hog farm. I experienced a lot of things.

      Return to Mexico; jobs, call centers

    1. Anne: If you could change immigration law in the US, how would you change it?Brenda: I don't know. I think it's just tough because I don't think it can be—what is it they call it—like a blanket solution of “okay, let everyone go through” or “give everyone automatic resident status” or whatever. I remember there was a few things that I saw I think when John, I forgot his name, was really opposing Obama during his second re-election. But a lot of things that I saw were like, “Oh you have to go through schooling.”Anne: John McCain?Brenda: Not John McCain—maybe I'm thinking of George W. Bush the second time he went through. But I remember it was a lot of like, “Oh, the men going through a military training or going through school or making sure that you've gone all these years without any law-breaking and stuff.” I was like, “That's fair because most immigrants are trying to stay out of trouble.” I can attest to being scared of … “No, we have to be sure that we're good and making sure going to school or getting a job” and I think that's just normal basic things to ask for.Brenda: But I think those would have been great. It's harder now. I don't see the appeal right now in the US, sometimes it's a struggle because of how the political climate has been going since I left. I left when Obama had just gotten into the White House. So, it was really hard to see that transition completely the last few years. But I definitely think a system has to come up because I feel like it keeps getting pushed aside. We'll do it later, we'll do it later. Definitely for the people in the DACA program now that they've never known anything else.Brenda: I think I would've loved it if I had gotten that opportunity or hadn't left before it was installed into place.

      reflections, the United States, policy to help migrants; DACA

    2. Anne: So the adoption proceedings required that you go back to Mexico before?Brenda: It turns out they did not [Chuckles]. We just had a very badly researched attorney, I guess. He had gotten one of my uncle’s citizenship—and funnily enough, not the uncle that was with that aunt. He didn't end up being able to get residency or anything, and I don't know why we went with him specifically. But he just kept saying, "You have to leave." I remember telling everybody, “Okay, outside of having to leave at this time, I keep seeing that a lot of people that do this immigration process, in particular, don't leave the US. They never leave the US, they stay there.” Everybody goes, "I know, but you don't understand it's different." I was like, "It's really not, it's adoption-based immigration process.” So, I'm always like, "No one listened to me, so that's why [Chuckle] this happened."

      leaving the US, reasons for exit

    3. Brenda: My parents got together when they were pretty young, not that young, but pretty young. My mom was like eighteen, nineteen. My dad was nineteen, twenty, and so my dad always instilled like a lot of fear like, “You better never get pregnant, you better not whatever.” There was never any discussion of like what I was supposed to do to avoid getting pregnant, but it was just in my head. It's always been like, “All right my parents said not to do that so I'm not going to do it.” But I think sometimes it's just that it's like, “what else are you going to do,” or “how else do you progress into being a woman” unfortunately like other than with a child or with a partner even though it's by mistake.

      homelife; parents, expectations; family

    4. I do want to go to school. It's been something for the last few years. At my last job I had to work, I had a day of like ten and a half hours and then I had two-hour commute. So that ate up most of my time, and I was just coming home to sleep basically. But I loved my job very much. I was like, “Oh, I don't need school right now. I'll figure it out eventually.” And five years went by and right now I'm like, “This is kind of the perfect job for school because it's so relaxed.” I am off on Fridays, I'm off Saturdays. I work from home a lot of days. But it's a lot of stuff that I have to ask my parents to do over there to go get my documents and stuff apostilled—I think it's called—or certified and then I have to translate them.Anne: All your education documents or transcripts and all that stuff.Brenda: Yes. So, I can eventually go to school here. Then there's this fear of like, "Oh my God, what if I don't get into any of the public schools?" Because I'm like, "No, I want to go to one of the public universities" and if I don't, that's another cost and now it's like I don't want to leave work because I like working and I'd have to do it on the weekends. Then in my head, I'm already like, "Oh my God, am I already not struggling through to balance a schedule I don't even have yet." I'm just already stressed about it [Laughs]. But I do, basically, it's to go back to school because I do miss it a lot and I do enjoy it.

      Feelings, fear, frustration, dreams; Education, college; Jobs, occupation, earnings, call centers; Challenges, continuing education;

    5. Brenda: Yes, but they were born over there, so it's different. When I left, they were three and five. Since I couldn't work and I couldn't drive or anything, I've always babysat them. I was their mom up until some point because my mom worked most days and so that was really hard because now the oldest is fourteen and the next one is twelve so it's a whole world of difference. The three-year-old when I left, he thought I was his mom. My mom told me that when I left on the bus he was like, "Brenda come back, I'll be good. I promise." He was just crying and crying. [Emotional]Anne: I'm sorry.Brenda: It's been a while and now it's just … One is a teenager and she had to deal with my family drifting apart when us two left. A lot of things happening because my mom had a hard time dealing with half of her children being here. So, the oldest is very straightforward, very grumpy sometimes. It's always weird because I think about her when she was five and now, and I'm like so much responsibility fell on her when I left. [Emotional] And the little one [Chuckle], he always says “Hi” to me, but he doesn't remember me as well anymore because he was two or three when I left. So, I think them too, they're the hardest part [Sniffles].

      Family separation; Feelings, sadness; Mexico, worst parts about being back; Feelings, despair; Family relationships, those who remained in the US; Family relationships, new family formation; Challenges, family separation; Challenges, mental health;

    6. I was supposed to come here and then we were eventually going to have a meeting at the consulate in Juarez and then be able to go back at some point.Anne: What happened? Why didn't it work out?Brenda: We waited a long time. It was about a year and a half because everybody was like, “It's going to be about three or six months, three or six months.” And that passed, we were finally stuck there and it was because of the Hague Convention—if I'm not mistaken—which is like an international adoption thing that a lot of countries sign into to try to avoid human trafficking for children. Everything that we did with my aunt, which was technically live with her for two years, begin the adoption process before I was fifteen. All of these things that we did, we were supposed to have done them here in Mexico. And we tried to dispute it because we were like, "We've never lived in Mexico and my aunt's not from Mexico. Why would we go to Mexico to do this?" So they're like, "No, but you can keep appealing it. But that's the process, you were supposed to do all of that in Mexico." The point is that we didn't want to, there was no reason for us to go to Mexico. We've never been there, my brother left when he was one and I was three. So, we were always in the US and so it didn't get declined completely, it just got, I guess, on hold and it's been like that for the last—when did this happen—like five, six years? So on my end, I'm good being here. I like being here, but it's because of my brother and his autism and he's very much in his own world of his habits and what his plans are and everything. It was really hard for him to come.Brenda: It was a complete disruption to his routine. It was a complete—like being away from his parents, being with people he didn't really know that well. Being in a different country, like language he doesn't speak as well—everything was hard. So, I don't touch that process because I know it's technically still going on and the hope is that one day he can go back. Me, I'd be happy to just go visit once, maybe often. But for him, because for him, it's so important to go back to the US.

      Reasons for Exit; Family reunification; Special Needs; Journey back to Mexico; Challenges, mental health; Challenges, Family Separation; New family formation; Challenges, language, cultural differences; Immigration status;

    7. Brenda: We started the immigration process when I was fourteen, I think. My aunt adopted us, she is a US citizen, and the whole thing was supposed to be super easy peasy. She adopted my brother and I, and legally we lived with her because she lived across the street—we lived with my parents, but she was across the street and formally she was our parent. It was supposed to be like, “Here, you're her daughter and you get papers right away.” It was not that simple or easy. Our attorney just said, "You do have to leave the US" and I was like, "But when?" I was already eighteen. I was like, "When?" It's like, “Oh, I don't know.” No one ever included me in the process of what had to be done. So, I had to look it up myself and see at eighteen and I don't know how many days old, your time starts counting as an illegal alien. I was like, "All right. So, no one's checked on this. I have months till I have to leave.”

      Reasons for Exit; Legal status;

    1. we’re the victims of our own success.

      Well this one is loaded and has stood to be true. We all want the best for our loved ones and we do what it takes to provide them just that "the best". Let's say you go from making a $25k salary to a $75k salary, in just one year. What do you do? You increase your expenses and not necessarily with the intent of living above your rmeans. Your taxes increase. You no longer qualify for government assistance. You now make too much to qualify for certain benefits. So you've already taken a big hit financially. You then purchase a better home, in a better neighborhood, and or purchase a more reliable vehicle, and healthier meals to feed your family and on and on. It's all going to "cost" you.

    2. This is a really important point; it’s a big shift in priorities — it’s no longer about poor countries and just poverty. It’s about every country. And every country is going to have challenges in getting to the Global Goals.

      This is a very important point. Not everyone is on the same level, therefore will not progress the same. This will take the average time for everyone to reach this Global Goals to be slowed down. I can also understand why some people who want change are still pessimistic. If the countries that seem to be on the right track still need a lot of work, what can we expect from those much further behind?

    3. Russia has lots of natural resource wealth, but lots of social problems. China has boomed economically, but hasn’t made much headway on human rights or environmental issues. India has a space program and millions of people without toilets.

      It's undeniable that China and India have a lot of fixing to do with human rights and classism. That being said these are the most populous countries in the world with 4 times more population than the U.S. In populous countries like these infrastructure has to be made just as fast as population growth. It's easy to see how a country with over a billion people might have a sudden scarcity of toilets despite having a large GDP.

    4. Certainly not with business as usual.

      Our society built in the wrong way from beginning and now we have to rebuilt it. It's like an ancient city where everything is old and needs to be fixed, so it much easier just to build another one instead. For examples nuclear weapon: it costs a lot and all those money might go to education, healthcare etc., that thing went wrong from the point it was developed. This was just an example, there are many more of such things. But the problem is that we can't rebuild society.

    5. Even a flood tide of economic growth is not going to get us there, if it just raises the mega-yachts and the super-wealthy and leaves the rest behind.

      This is exactly what I had talked about in my earlier annotations. The great divide between the wealthy and poor and it's dangers. If all money was made in fair ways that did not harm the employees and only benefitted the employer, then that divide would be far less prominent.

    1. "While it takes time to make these changes now, it's a one-time engineering cost that will have lasting impacts, both internally and externally," Sorenson said in an email. "We're in this for the long game, and we know inclusive language is just as much about how we code and what we build as it is about person-to-person interactions."
    1. > When i read on HN and realize just how many people there are like me, or that there’s people that are also way too into disc golf, acoustic guitar, or any other semi niche activity i wonder why it is so hard to make more regular connections and interactions with them.That hit me in the truth. I feel like that a lot: if I know these people exist, and care deeply about the things I care about, why am I not building lasting friendships with them?And then I realize that it's not a flaw in the medium but in myself. I lack the confidence and determination to go form those connections. I could write to any of those people and say, hey, I'm coming through Cincinnati, and would love to see your project/talk with you over coffee about your research/drink beer and yell about liberty. But I don't, and that isn't the internet's fault.

      Who do I wish I were connecting with more?

    1. I think we will find at least faulty if not completely unacceptable: that the agent should shrug it off. Suppose the agent says, in effect, It's really too bad about what happened and the damage that’s been done, but my involvement was just a happen- stance that it was my bad luck to suffer. | admit my negli- gence (dishonesty, cowardice, opportunism, etc.) and accept such blame as is due these common faults. But it would be totally unfair of you to judge, let alone blame me for unlucky results and situations [ didn’t totally control and stupid or masochistic of me to let you.

      Wenn ich diesen Abschnitt richtig verstanden habe, kritisiert Walker hier, dass es etwas gibt, dass wohl jeder als falsch betrachten wird: und das wäre, wenn der Akteur versucht sich vor Vorwürfen zu schützen, indem er andere Faktoren "vorschiebt", die zu der Handlung führten, für die er verurteilt wird. Ich kann dem, sofern ich diesen Abschnitt richtig verstanden habe, nur zustimmen. Ich finde, man sollte generell vorsichtig sein, bei der Berücksichtigung mancher Faktoren und das besonders bei Jenen, die dem Akteur die Verantwortlichkeit entziehen würden.

    1. Axel: I just wish my kids would tell me. I want them to have that confidence that I didn't with my parents to tell them, and I want them to have that confidence with me and I would let my kids do it in the house, in the backyard, whatever, but somewhere where I know they're going to be safe, instead of like with me and my mom, I would have to go hiding around, go in the streets where it was more dangerous because somebody could see me, cops could see me. All these other stuff, and I'm okay with all that stuff. I'm okay if my kids want to do it, they want to try it out. All right.Axel: If things get out of hand, obviously I would come down to them, but at the end, I just want to see them happy. I want to see them grow, want to help them become who they're going to be, I want them to grow up and be able to say that I was there for them. Even my daughters, even though I'm not over there, I want them to be able to... Even though right now, that's why I take that as a big priority in my life to buy stuff for them, so that they could say, "Hey, your dad's never there." He's like, "No, but he's always helped. He's not there physically, but he's there when I need him emotionally. When I need anything clothes wise, he's always providing me that type of stuff. Maybe he wasn't there physically, but he is somebody in my life important."Axel: And that's always still be my dream. Right now, I separated with my wife that I have because she wants to work, but due to the kids and I don't have any family here, her family lives about an hour and a half away from here, nobody could take care of the kids so she was a stay at home mom. We weren't missing anything, we were actually living pretty good, but she just felt like she needed to do more for the family. She felt like the kids were going to grow up and be like, "Oh yeah, dad was always the one that did everything. He's the one that get the money." She's like, "I want to feel like I did my part. Sometimes I want to buy them something out of my own heart and I want them to know that it's something that I did for them."Axel: I was like, "Yeah, you don't have to say that it's my part or anything like that. I don't ask for any of that. Imma buy them my own stuff." She's like, "No, but I just still feel like it's difficult." So right now, we're separated, but we're still talking, we're trying to fix things out. I want to fix it too, because they say third time is the charm, and I understand my mom too at the same time like, "Hey, you don't want to go and have another baby with another girl. That's going to be four. How do you plan on maintaining? You got two over here, you got one over there."

      Return to Mexico, Family

    2. Axel: When my mom calls me and tells me all that stuff about my family members, I don't get upset at my mom. My mom's like, "Hey, they're all saying this and this and that." I'm like, "Mom, just ignore them." She's like, "No, how can you just ignore it?" I'm like, "Mom." I was like, "Look, I never hear them say anything or see them say anything. You're the one that tells me. I get upset at you because you're telling me all this stuff that you already know and it's upsetting me that you get upset, and it upsets me that the fact that they're making you upset. I'm upset at you for letting them get you upset and I'm upset at them for even worrying about that stuff."Axel: You never worried about me when I was in the States and when I was going through all that jail time. None of you wanted to help me out with a recommendation card because you were like, "Oh no, because if we put our information on there, they're going to have us on record and they're going to come looking for us." I'm like, "No, it's nothing like that. They're not even asking for your address. They just want your name and they want you to write something good about me, something that you know about me. Stuff that you're saying that I'm a good person to society."

      Time in the Us, school , bullying

    3. Axel: I'm more likely to get into a fight or into a physical altercation with somebody or even verbal altercation with someone, because of them saying something about somebody I care about than them saying... They could say the most horrible things about me and I just brush it off my shoulders. I really don't care because I know who I am. But if they anything either minor or whatever it is about somebody I care about, that upsets me a lot because they have no reason to say it, they don't know the person or the person's not even there. So I'm like, "Hey."Axel: If the person is there, I'll be like, "Hey, defend yourself, man." They're like me. They're like, "It's not even true, I don't really care." I'm like, "All right, cool. Let's just ignore them then." But I'm more likely like that. My mom told me that too. She's literally learned that on. She's like, "Yeah, I noticed that." She's like, "You have a heart of gold, but you let people take advantage of you and let people step over you and stuff like that." I'm like, "I don't really care about that. I know what my life is, I know what I do with my life, I know exactly where I'm going, what I'm doing with my life. If people want to say all this stuff, okay. They can say it. I can either let it affect me and bring me down or I can let it affect me and I go at them or I go physically with them or go argue with them, whatever. Or I can just let them say what they want to say and act like nothing was said at all."Axel: I was like, "It's not affecting me." If it gets to the point where it's affecting me, like maybe they're talking about me and my wife or talking about me doing something that is going to upset my wife and now my wife is upset with me or something like that, it's causing problems in my personal life, then yeah. I will get upset at that point, but if you want to say, "Hey, Axel's this, Axel's that, Axel did this and oh, he's this and that. I heard he also was into this." All right, cool. But if you say something like, "Hey, did you know Axel was messing around with this girl and even his wife doesn't know?" And then all of a sudden my wife is like, "Oh, really?" So now she's mad at me for something I didn't do just because they said it. Okay, so now I'm going to get upset because now you're making my wife, my ex, my girl, whatever it is, you're making my parents upset because of that.

      Time in the US, fighting

    4. Axel: I get mad about stuff as if I was an OCD type thing. I would get mad because somebody grabbed something and then leaves it over here on the couch and doesn't put it back on the table. I'll get mad at stuff like that. That upsets me more than, "Hey, this person's talking bad about you." My mom is really picky about that. My family members are really nosy. They're always like, "Hey, did you see what Axel published on Facebook?" I mean, it could be just a funny picture about a certain thing, but just because I posted it, they think I'm doing those things or I'm into those things. I'm like, it's just something I found funny and I wanted to share with people. I'm not doing it.Axel: My mom's like, "You know how your family is." So now it got to the point where I can't even express myself on social media just because of my family? I'm like, "Mom, you know that I'm not doing that stuff. You talk to me every day. And they're not helping me, they're not supporting me, they're not doing anything for me. So why let them affect anything that has to do with me?" She's like, "I just don't like telling me." I'm like, "Ignore them, block them. If they're really family, they shouldn't be doing that type of stuff."

      Time in the US, mental health

    5. Axel: Yeah. To get the drugs or just to party, do whatever and she ended up not doing anything. The car, she could have kept it for herself and used it. She ended up buying another car later on, a couple years later, not even as good of a car as the one I had. TV, she didn't even have the TV for a while. At one point, to me, I thought it was karma at first. I was like, I gave her a lot of stuff, I even gave her the apartment where I lived. I told her that you can live in that apartment, it's under my dad's name, nobody's going to charge you rent, nothing. It's a free apartment, you can stay there and you can have your own place now.

      Return to Mexico, family

    6. xel: About six months past, they gave me the same probation officer as before and he actually congratulated me. He's like, "Hey man, you did it." He's like, "You passed the lie detector test again." Because they gave me another one before the end. "You passed it, everything's good." He's like, "I'm here to give you your paperwork that you're off." He's like, "I know it's three days till you're off, but we're just going to go ahead and sign." He's like, "Look, so that way, you sign right now, you know that on the eighth, you are a free man." He's like, "You're good to go."Axel: Yeah, signed my papers, everything was good and I stayed out of trouble from 14 all the way till I was 19, which is when the recent charges and everything came, the evading arrest and I got my shit. I didn't have no reason to evade arrest, I didn't have anything on me or anything. I had had one or two beers. I wasn't drunk or anything, but I did know I had kind of smell, and I knew that they were going to play that on me, and I was still at...

      Time in the US, arrests, probation

    7. Axel: I'm like, I’m not worried about that. I want to go outside with the people I've been knowing for years, my family and stuff. I was really disappointed at that point. I was really depressed. I got upset, I called my parents and my friends were like, "Hey, are you out already? Where are you so we can go pick you up?" I'm like, "I'm inside my cell." And they're like, "What, why?" I was like, "Apparently, immigration put a hold on me this morning at two, three in the morning so at six, when they took me out, they weren't aware. They changed me out of clothes and everything and then once everybody was gone and I was the only one left, they were like, why are you here still?" And they were like, "Oh well, it's because you have an immigration hold, blah, blah, blah, so we're going to have to take you back in."Axel: So here we go again, fighting my case, trying to take another two, three months. Just so that they offered me five years again and they were trying to go down to three. Three and some probation. And then at the end, when my judge got the deal where they were like, "Okay, this is what we're going to do. We're going to give you a misdemeanor charge and a felony, and you're only going to do two years."

      Time in the US, immigration status

    8. Axel: In the end, I've got a deal with the judge. They were going to extend my probation for another year. We got that deal on a Friday. By the time that the judge closed the deal and everything on my lawyer, it was already 4:30 in the afternoon. The probation office is closed at five. They were like, "Okay, look, we got the deal with the judge, he just said all you have to do is wait till Monday when the probation office is open again, so that way you go from here, your probation officer's going to pick you up here at the holding cell, he's going to take you straight to the probation office, they're going to go ahead and take your documentation, your phone number, address, everything they need from you so that way you can already get registered and that way, we know for a fact that you're going to take your probation and you're already registered into it."Axel: I was like, "Okay, yeah. Sounds like a deal." I'm already signing the paperwork saying that I'm pretty much going to be free on Monday, I just got to wait till Monday because of the probation office. The whole weekend I was excited. I was like, I'm leaving Monday, finally I'm out of here. I know I got to go through probation, but this time, I'm going to take it seriously. It's only one more year. I'm just going to chill out for a year.Axel: Monday came, they took me out of my cell, they gave me my regular clothes, everything, gave my paperwork to leave, everything was cool. Probation officer started getting there and they picked up everybody except me. And they asked me, she's like, "Hey, what are you waiting for?" I'm like, "I'm waiting for a probation officer too." So I looked up my name and everything and they were like, "Oh, well, actually, it looks like immigration put a hold on you just last night at one or two in the morning. So actually, we're going to have to put you back in your cell." He's like, "But don't worry, we're going to put you back in the same one so that way you can go back in with the same people that you were in there with and you don't have to meet some new people and stuff."

      Time in the US, courts, probation, plea deal, misdemeanor

    9. Axel: So now he has to explain all the thing over again in simple words or baby terms for me so I can understand it. It's just like... Besides that, I found that kind of hard but I would never leave school because of that. I was willing to struggle with it but like I said, once I had my baby and everything here, then everything just... I had to put all that aside so I could focus on the money because the job that I had at that point wasn't all that much, and obviously, a baby is a big...

      Time in the US, school, learning English,

    10. That's why I found it a little bit harder when I started going to school here. To try to do my career was, obviously their language is a little bit more extensive, they explain things with some bigger words that I don't understand.Axel: Like I said, I don't like people asking me a lot of questions and I also don't like asking a lot of questions, because I don't like feeling like... I don't want people to think that I'm just not there with them. But it's not that I don't understand that, it's just that there's certain words that I just don't get the full meaning of it. And I don't want to be there in class like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait. What does that mean?"

      Time in the US, School, Learning English / ESL

    11. Axel: And then I don't know the whole story of how my mom and my stepdad started talking, but I know they were coworkers because they've told me that part before, and my dad's also told me. He's like, "Yeah, I know him. We used to work together, he was just my partner, in a way." I mean, my dad doesn't seem like he has any hard feelings about it, but he never remarried again, so I don't know what happened there. But my mom got remarried and now it's been like, I don't know, I suppose right now it's been about almost 20 years? And he's never remarried, he's never really bothered, I’ve never met him to have a girlfriend, no other kids, nothing. After the first one, he just gave up and just enjoys his house alone with the dogs and stuff.

      Time in the US, Family

    12. Axel: It's either because they're already being paid by them or it's because they know that if they go in there, it's going to be some big drama with the guys in there, or it's just that they don't really care anybody that. They just want to make something for their day. Here, it's almost just like that. There's cops everywhere, they stop you for anything.

      Return to mexico, interactions with the police, stops

    13. Axel: You can be late to work just because of that. You could be 10 minutes early or two minutes early, but if you get stopped twice right here at least, you lost all your time right there. You're running late already to work. That's either before work, during lunch, on a break, after work when you're going home. It's just anytime. It got to the point where work, it's a mission just to go from your work to where your transport is. Either the train line, the substation or the buses. They're only about three...

      Return to Mexico, Jobs

    14. Axel: It's annoying sometimes, because sometimes even because of that, within the two blocks, they could search you about two, maybe three times. Because one guy will search you on the bikes, the guys on the bikes, then you're okay, they'll search you, they'll let you go. About another block later, you'll bump into guys that are just walking around and they'll search you too. Another block later, the guys in the cars, the trucks are going by, they'll stop in front. "Hey, let me do a quick search, just random."

      Return to Mexico, interactions with police, stops, corruption

    15. Axel: The guy didn't like my whole attitude that I had with them, so he decided he took his phone out, he showed me a bag of... What was it? I think it was weed or I don't know what else it had in it, because it was a big bag, like a trash bag. Just full of stuff. And he's like, "Look, I've got this in my car right now in my trunk. If you don't hand over one of your phones," He's like, "And actually, the one I want is that one." He wanted the brand new one. "And actually, I want this one. So look, this is the deal. Either you give us the phone and everybody goes about their ways, or I take you in and I'm going to put this on you. There's no way that anybody can prove that it's not true. My partner's obviously going to go with me." He's like, "So you decided what you want to do. Do you want to go ahead and let us take you in and we'll put this big bag of stuff that I got with you, on you? Or you give me the phone?"

      return to mexico, interactions with the police, stops, bribes

    16. Axel: Then it's like, all right, I had a cop one time, I didn't have anything on me, no reason for them to even search me to begin with, everything was okay. But the problem was I had two phones. I had just bought a new phone, and I had my old phone that I was going to sell or give away to my ex-wife, so that she could have it and sell her phone. They caught me with... They pulled me over, searched me. They're like, "Why do you have two phones?" Like thought I stole one. I'm like, "No, I didn't. All my information's in both of the phones, I'll show you."

      return to mexico, interactions with police, stops

    17. Axel: They're all in cahoots, really. In the end, what they all really want is just some money. If you offer them money, they're going to let you go. It's happened to a lot of people. It's happened even to me. They catch me and they tell me... They don't find nothing on me, but they don't like the fact that we act the way we act. We tell them we don't have anything and we get mad because they're searching us for no reason. They don't like our attitude that we take against them.

      Return to mexico, interactions with police, stops, bribes

    18. Axel: Yeah, because they say there's too much going around the area, as far as with drugs, with the robbings. People know that obviously we get some decent money because we speak English. They know the days that we get paid. The people that live around here in the streets and the cops know when we get paid, so there's cops out here every day, roaming around just looking and they see anybody with tattoos, they'll pull you over and search you. It's probable cause, supposedly.

      Return to Mexico, Interactions with the Police, Stops

    19. Over here, you can't really trust that thing where somebody comes up to you and they're like, "Hey, I need some help, something's going on right here around the corner. Somebody's trying to hurt my mom or somebody's trying to hurt my sister." You can't even trust that because you might go around the corner and they're just going to jump you and rob you. It's all just in cahoots to get something out of you.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Crime

    20. Axel: Half of it, mom was everywhere and then the other half, I was in a stable location where I actually met the friends that I have now that still talk to me now that I'm here and that still help me whenever they can. I don't even have to ask them, they'll just tell me, "Hey, right now I'm going to send you some money or I'm going to do this, I'm going to give your kids something, where can I meet them? Blah, blah, blah." I know that they're going to help me, but I don't like to ask them because it's not something that I don't really like to ask them for, for stuff because I know it's not their fault that I got deported or anything like that.

      Time in the US, living situation

    21. I'm like, "Mom, everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Every single thing is either whether you believe it or not, everything happens for a reason. There is already a plan for you type thing." I believe in that type of stuff and I went to church when I was younger. I did go to church when I was in junior high, and it was nice. It taught me a lot of stuff and I do believe in God. I'm not going to say I'm a follower, but I do believe in Him and I do believe in what they believe here, which is La Santa Muerte, [Saint Death] and I believe in death.Axel: If there's one thing that everybody believes in, it's death. Because everybody says, nothing is promised but death. That's one for sure thing that we all have is that. Believing in the death here, believing in La Santa Muerte [Saint Death] like the guys, it's a lot more credible. It's like yeah, we know death is there. God, everybody says God is here, there's the books and the testaments, there's no really actual evidence besides the books. Yeah, there's some stuff that do... I like that type of stuff and it gets my mind over, but I was never too much of a follower. My mom didn't like that. She was like, "You need to take it seriously." I was like, "I am, but it's already happened. It's already done and it's already happening, it's in process, what can I do about it? I can just hope for the best and prepare for the worst."

      religion

    22. So my mom would go in or my dad, and they would take my daughters in and I would talk to them. Talk to them or just joke around with them, play with them there from across the glass. That was my whole relationship with my second daughter.Axel: My first daughter, I did have some encounters with her. I did have some years with her there. But the important years, when she was actually talking and already doing stuff, I was never there. My second daughter neither. I did talk to them on the phone still, I did FaceTime to them, and my daughter just cried. She wants to know when I'm going to go visit, and I don't even know how to explain to her the whole situation. I just keep telling them, "One day, just wait. One of these days, we're going to see each other. Either your mom comes over here or I go over there, but we'll see each other."Anne: So you're still friendly with the mom?Axel: Yeah. With both of them. And my family too. My family know that they're my babies, that they're my blood babies and my mom, "It's not their fault for whatever mistakes you made. It's not their fault for whatever they're going through. That's your blood, that means that's my blood, they're my grandkids so I don't want to see them struggling, I don't want to see them doing bad."

      relationships, having children, creating families, family;; detention, prison

    23. Axel: Finally, I gave up on that. I was like, I'll just take whatever plea they gave me. They gave me the two year plea. So I took it. I was like, okay. Two years again. I was like all right, here we go. But this time, it's actually jail. It's not county, it's not juvenile or anything like that. I thought it was going to be a lot worse than what it was, but like I said, it was the same. The only people that were different were really... The guys were bigger, but there was always mean guys in juvies too. The only difference that I really noticed were the guards. Since you were now older guys, you're adults, the guards were rough, they were mean, they were just abusive.Axel: Not abusive, really, because they never really hit you, because over there, they're more strict than here with that type of stuff, but they would talk really... They would talk down to you a lot and stuff like that. When I did my two years there, it was depressing for me. Every time, those two times that I did my time, I wasn't really depressed about me getting caught up, I wasn't depressed about my situation, I was more depressed about not being able to be with my family.

      time in the US, arrests, prison, guards; feelings, sadness, depression; family separation

    24. They were like, "Okay, look, we got the deal with the judge, he just said all you have to do is wait till Monday when the probation office is open again, so that way you go from here, your probation officer's going to pick you up here at the holding cell, he's going to take you straight to the probation office, they're going to go ahead and take your documentation, your phone number, address, everything they need from you so that way you can already get registered and that way, we know for a fact that you're going to take your probation and you're already registered into it."Axel: I was like, "Okay, yeah. Sounds like a deal." I'm already signing the paperwork saying that I'm pretty much going to be free on Monday, I just got to wait till Monday because of the probation office. The whole weekend I was excited. I was like, I'm leaving Monday, finally I'm out of here. I know I got to go through probation, but this time, I'm going to take it seriously. It's only one more year. I'm just going to chill out for a year.Axel: Monday came, they took me out of my cell, they gave me my regular clothes, everything, gave my paperwork to leave, everything was cool. Probation officer started getting there and they picked up everybody except me. And they asked me, she's like, "Hey, what are you waiting for?" I'm like, "I'm waiting for a probation officer too." So I looked up my name and everything and they were like, "Oh, well, actually, it looks like immigration put a hold on you just last night at one or two in the morning. So actually, we're going to have to put you back in your cell." He's like, "But don't worry, we're going to put you back in the same one so that way you can go back in with the same people that you were in there with and you don't have to meet some new people and stuff."Axel: I'm like, I’m not worried about that. I want to go outside with the people I've been knowing for years, my family and stuff. I was really disappointed at that point. I was really depressed. I got upset, I called my parents and my friends were like, "Hey, are you out already? Where are you so we can go pick you up?" I'm like, "I'm inside my cell."

      time in the US, arrests, prison; court proceedings, ICE

    25. Axel: Over here, everybody looks the same, really. You can't really tell who's into the narcs, who's into some heavy drugs, who's into just being calm, who's maybe undercover police, something like that. Over here, it's like you can't really get mad at anybody on the streets, can't go off on them, can't really argue with them because that person could just be involved with somebody higher up or could be involved with the narcs, the little gangs that there is around the areas and all right, so now you mess with that person, so they already know where you work, they know you're around this area all the time. They'll come and get you the next day or they'll go away, come back with some friends and they'll mess with you, or like they said about the food stuff or they'll come and pick you up in a truck, they'll kidnap you for a while, torture you and just go and kidnap you just for fun. Just to leave you in the room and not eat for a couple days.Axel: It's never happened to me, but it's happened to my coworkers and stuff and they've missed work one or two days and they're about to get fired and they come back, and then they're like, "Man, I was kidnapped. I didn't have no form of communication or anything, I was kidnapped for the past two days." All they ask for at work, because they know that it happens and there is no way for them to prove it, really, there's no way for you to prove it either so all they ask for you to do is at least go make the report with the police.

      return to mexico, challenges, crime, violence

    26. Anne: How does it compare--the food here to US?Axel: I stopped eating all that fast food. In the US, it was nothing but Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell. Just nothing but fast food. I think the only healthy... If you consider it healthy food that I would eat over there would be Chinese food, Chinese restaurants. Over here, it's all mainly, not homemade, but it's handmade. Our restaurants too, fast foods, they have their little machines and everything but over here it's like, you go and you buy some tacos, they're cooking it right there in front of you. They cut it open and cook it in front of you, they do everything right there in front of you. And in the States, you go to fast food, it's like, "Okay, I'll order this." "Okay, don't worry, we'll call you in a minute and you'll have your order ready."

      cultural differences; food

    27. You could tell me it's all calm, but everybody says my area is a little area, it's kind of a dangerous area, but I've never been in any type of situations over there. No assaults. How do they call it? People that get on the public transport and they steal from the public transports, hijackings and whatever. Something like that. Never anything like that, and everybody said that that area is mainly known for that type of stuff. But at the same time, I guess it's the people. Once they see you where you live and they start getting to know you, and they don't really mess with you. They're like, "Oh yeah, that's the guy, he lives over there somewhere. I see him every day or I see him every two days, but I seen him a couple times."Axel: But when you go to the new area, it's like...Anne: Then you're a target.Axel: Yeah. Everybody looks at you, everybody wants to know who you are. Are you some type of police officer trying to do an undercover operation or something? They either come at you because they think you look suspicious or they come at you because you look like a easy target and you're easy to pick for, phone or something. Either way, it's just bad all around.

      Return to Mexico, challenges, crime, violence

    28. For me, I consider English my first language. It's really my strong point. My Spanish is... Even though I spoke it at home, once I got older, obviously I was always with my friends out playing video games, going to basketball games, football, just doing activities, so I was never home then. So my Spanish started going from pretty good to just like I can get by. And now, it's getting better now, but there's certain things that I still don't understand. That's why I found it a little bit harder when I started going to school here. To try to do my career was, obviously their language is a little bit more extensive, they explain things with some bigger words that I don't understand.Axel: Like I said, I don't like people asking me a lot of questions and I also don't like asking a lot of questions, because I don't like feeling like... I don't want people to think that I'm just not there with them. But it's not that I don't understand that, it's just that there's certain words that I just don't get the full meaning of it. And I don't want to be there in class like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait. What does that mean?"

      Return to Mexico, challenges, language, employment

    29. I had a cop one time, I didn't have anything on me, no reason for them to even search me to begin with, everything was okay. But the problem was I had two phones. I had just bought a new phone, and I had my old phone that I was going to sell or give away to my ex-wife, so that she could have it and sell her phone. They caught me with... They pulled me over, searched me. They're like, "Why do you have two phones?" Like thought I stole one. I'm like, "No, I didn't. All my information's in both of the phones, I'll show you."Axel: The guy didn't like my whole attitude that I had with them, so he decided he took his phone out, he showed me a bag of... What was it? I think it was weed or I don't know what else it had in it, because it was a big bag, like a trash bag. Just full of stuff. And he's like, "Look, I've got this in my car right now in my trunk. If you don't hand over one of your phones," He's like, "And actually, the one I want is that one." He wanted the brand new one. "And actually, I want this one. So look, this is the deal. Either you give us the phone and everybody goes about their ways, or I take you in and I'm going to put this on you. There's no way that anybody can prove that it's not true. My partner's obviously going to go with me." He's like, "So you decided what you want to do. Do you want to go ahead and let us take you in and we'll put this big bag of stuff that I got with you, on you? Or you give me the phone?"

      Return to Mexico, interactions with police, stops, bribes, corruption; interactions with police, arrests, false arrests, framed

    30. People know that obviously we get some decent money because we speak English. They know the days that we get paid. The people that live around here in the streets and the cops know when we get paid, so there's cops out here every day, roaming around just looking and they see anybody with tattoos, they'll pull you over and search you. It's probable cause, supposedly.Axel: And if they catch you with something, they won't take you to jail. They'll just ask you for a bribe and they'll take 200 or 300 pesos from you. If you don't have any money, they'll take your phone. If you don't offer them the money or say, "I'm not going to give you any money," they'll scare you to act like they're going to take you to the jail. Then they give you a last chance. They're like, "Okay, last chance before we get there, it's right there across the street. You want to go ahead and cooperate or you want us to go with the judge? Blah, blah, blah."Axel: They're all in cahoots, really. In the end, what they all really want is just some money. If you offer them money, they're going to let you go. It's happened to a lot of people. It's happened even to me. They catch me and they tell me... They don't find nothing on me, but they don't like the fact that we act the way we act. We tell them we don't have anything and we get mad because they're searching us for no reason. They don't like our attitude that we take against them.

      Return to mexico, challenges, crime; return to mexico, interactions with police, stops, bribes, corruption

    31. they come in and they'd be in a little group, they try asking you for directions, one of them is distracting you, the other one is taking stuff out of your pocket. Then she hands it off to someone else that's behind them, that person walks away. Someone else comes in like a distraction like, "Hey, what's going on?"Axel: They're all in it together and at the end, some people start to act like they're actually caring about what's going on. In the end, they're all in cahoots with it. You can't trust anybody. In the States, at least you knew you could help somebody and it's probably legit. Over here, you can't really trust that thing where somebody comes up to you and they're like, "Hey, I need some help, something's going on right here around the corner. Somebody's trying to hurt my mom or somebody's trying to hurt my sister." You can't even trust that because you might go around the corner and they're just going to jump you and rob you. It's all just in cahoots to get something out of you

      Return to Mexico, challenges, cultural differences

    32. my mom always told me, she's like, "Trust me, you don't want to go to Mexico." She's like, "Life over there is not as you picture it. It's like your cousins and everything, they say they're having fun over there, but they've been over there they're whole life." He's like, "You? You're going to have difficulties." One, is the tattoos. Two is they look at y'all as a target more because not only for y'all as in general, but then also because they know that you have family over here, they try to use it as extortion and they have tried to call her a couple times and tell her that they have me and, "We have your son and you better send some money and blah, blah, blah."Axel: But she always have someone with her like my sister or my stepdad or something, and while she's on the phone with them, then my stepdad, my sister contacts me to make sure that it's not true and that way they can just go ahead and blow it off and stuff, but thankfully, nothing like that has actually happened but they always worry about that part of... They worry more about that than anything else. They know that I can take care of myself and they know that I work and I'll make my money and I can handle myself as far as economically, but they're still worried about just because they know how the environment is. Not only just in the streets, but just everywhere in general, the transports, everything. You can't even get in transports without have your hands in your pockets or grabbing your stuff because if not, somebody will just take it in the middle of nowhere. Next thing you know, you're just like, "Oh, my wallet, my phone's gone." I don't even know where it happened, nothing.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, discrimination/stigmatization; Return to Mexico, Challenges, crime, violence;

    33. Once I moved with him, he moved about two blocks down just to another apartment where it was bigger space, where I could stay with him and from there, we never moved again. That's when I started doing from like seventh grade, all the way up till I finished my last six years.Axel: Half of it, mom was everywhere and then the other half, I was in a stable location where I actually met the friends that I have now that still talk to me now that I'm here and that still help me whenever they can. I don't even have to ask them, they'll just tell me, "Hey, right now I'm going to send you some money or I'm going to do this, I'm going to give your kids something, where can I meet them? Blah, blah, blah." I know that they're going to help me, but I don't like to ask them because it's not something that I don't really like to ask them for, for stuff because I know it's not their fault that I got deported or anything like that.

      Time in the US, School, Making friends; friendship

    1. Tweet Post Share Save Get PDF Buy Copies Print Idea in Brief The Situation The fast-changing nature of business today means that employees’ continual learning is vital for organizational success. The Response Chief learning officers are assuming a more expansive role, aiming not only to train employees but also to transform their organizations’ capabilities and make learning an integral part of the company’s strategic agenda. The Specifics Extensive interviews at 19 large companies revealed that “transformer CLOs”—those who are embracing this expanded role—are driving changes in their enterprises’ learning goals, learning methods, and learning departments. In today’s dynamic business environment, workplace learning has become a key lever for success. And with that shift, the traditional role of the chief learning officer is changing. No longer are CLOs responsible just for training—making skills-based and compliance-oriented courses available to employees and perhaps running leadership-development programs. Instead, they’re embracing a more powerful role in which they reshape capabilities and organizational culture. We call this new type of leader the transformer CLO. Transformer CLOs are strong senior managers whose mission is to help their companies and their employees thrive, even as technologies, business practices, and whole industries undergo rapid change. The transformer CLO role is not reserved for the lucky few whose CEOs see learning and development as essential; any CLO can take steps to fundamentally change the nature of learning in an organization. We recently conducted extensive interviews with 21 senior learning officers at 19 large companies to find out how they conceive of their roles and organizations. This research, which builds on our prior work on digital leadership and culture, revealed that transformer CLOs are driving three principal types of change in their enterprises. They’re transforming their organizations’ learning goals, shifting the focus from the development of skills to the development of mindsets and capabilities that will help workers perform well now and adapt smoothly in the future. They’re transforming their organizations’ learning methods, making them more experiential and immediate, and atomizing content for delivery when and where it’s needed. And they’re transforming their organizations’ learning departments, making them leaner, more agile, and more strategic. Transforming Learning Goals The need for organizations to become more adaptable means changing the goals of corporate learning. Instead of narrowly focusing on job- or compliance-related training for all but their high-potential leaders, organizations should cultivate every employee’s ability to explore, learn, and grow. The objective is not only to train people but also to position the company for success. To achieve this, CLOs should strive to do the following: Reshape leadership development. Creating a true learning organization starts at the top, with preparing executives to lead in new ways. One company that has done this well recently is Standard Chartered, a multinational financial-services company. Three years ago, under a new CEO, Standard Chartered launched a strategy that fundamentally changed the way it does business—and required its leaders to build new strengths. “We’d been doing executive development for years,” said Ewan Clark, the company’s global head of leadership effectiveness and organizational development. “But a lot of it had been about either pure self-actualization or aspects of coaching. This time we’ve put the organizational agenda right in the center of executive development, and we’ve said that leadership is about developing the skills, capabilities, and value behaviors to lead this agenda.” As part of that effort, the company began teaching leaders to augment their experience and intuition with investigation, experimentation, and data-driven analysis when making decisions about their parts of the organization. Their instructions, according to Clark, were straightforward: “Articulate a hypothesis. Go out and experiment. And if it doesn’t work, then why not? What did you learn? Add to it. Capture your learning. Share it with other people.” This new approach required changes in the leaders’ mindsets, not just their skills and procedures. Organizations should cultivate every employee’s ability to learn and grow. It’s not enough, though, to improve leadership capabilities at the very top of the organization. To effect widespread change, organizations need strong leadership to cascade down. Cargill, a privately held food and agriculture business, achieved this by democratizing learning. As Julie Dervin, the company’s global head of corporate learning and development, told us, “We really only had the capacity to reach about 10% to 15% of the total relevant population in a given year when delivering a particular learning program. Unintentionally, we were creating a learning culture where only a select few got access to high-quality training.” Dervin and her team resolved to fix that problem. “We’ve been fundamentally changing how we design, deliver, and shape those learning experiences to be able to reach exponentially more learners with high-impact learning,” she said. Concentrate on capabilities, not competence. In their change programs, transformer CLOs focus less on teaching currently needed skills and more on developing mindsets and behaviors that can enable employees to perform well in tasks that may not yet be defined. This shift may also mean moving away from comprehensive skills inventories and competency maps, which can lead people to check boxes rather than build capabilities. “We don’t really know enough about what the world will look like in the next couple of years to be able to predict exactly what skills we will need,” said Amelie Villeneuve, the head of the corporate university at UBS, the multinational financial-services firm. “If you focus on building individual microskills, you may be missing the bigger picture.” Emphasize digital thinking. The transformer CLOs we interviewed have sought to develop digital awareness and aptitude in their employees. Singapore-based DBS Bank, for example, created a learning curriculum that aims to build seven priority skills for digital-business success. “While not everyone needs to be an expert at each of these,” said David Gledhill, who served as the company’s chief information officer until August 2019, “we want them to know enough so that they understand the transformation we’re driving and contribute great ideas.” Vital Skills for a Digital World To equip its employees for success in today’s digital business environment, DBS Bank focuses on imparting skills ... One priority, for instance, is to get people more comfortable using data in decision-making. Data-driven thinking is key for almost everyone in an organization, but in different ways. Frontline sales and service reps need to be aware of information about customer preferences and behaviors. Executives must learn to trust and value data even when it contradicts their past experiences and gut feelings. Leaders often don’t know what to do with all the data that digital innovations are making available to them, said Nancy Robert, who, as the executive vice president of the American Nurses Association, led the design and delivery of training for millions of the organization’s members. As Robert put it, nurses don’t necessarily have the “digital-data competency” to answer the questions that confront them. “How am I going to interpret that data and integrate it into the rest of the care?” she said. “That takes a very different cognitive skill.” Cultivate curiosity and a growth mindset. CLOs can amplify their teams’ energies and capabilities by fostering a “pull” model of learning, in which employees set their own agendas for gaining knowledge and skills. Doing that, however, requires an environment that sparks employees’ curiosity and ignites in them the desire to learn and grow. Villeneuve has worked on this at UBS and previously at Google, where, she said, she learned how it is possible to “accelerate wisdom more effectively by providing a series of contexts where people can play and learn at the same time.” Leaders at DBS Bank launched a number of programs to find out what would inspire curiosity among their employees. One notable success is GANDALF Scholars, in which employees can apply to receive grants of $1,000 toward training on any work-related topic, as long as they agree to teach what they learn to at least 10 other people. When you engage employees in teaching, as DBS is doing, you expand and deepen learning. Rahul Varma, the senior managing director for talent at Accenture, calls this a “leaders teaching leaders” philosophy. “You learn the most,” he said, “when you actually have to teach somebody what you learn.” This approach turns the natural curiosity and energy of any single employee into learning opportunities for many others. It certainly seems to be working at DBS: As of early 2019, 120 grant recipients had gone on to train more than 13,500 people—4,000 in person and the rest through digital channels. According to Gledhill, many GANDALF Scholars report that the teaching component of the program is their favorite part. “What they enjoyed most,” he said, “was the empowerment.” Transformer CLOs are personalizing, digitizing, and atomizing learning. UBS, DBS, Accenture, and other companies that have embraced a growth mindset subscribe to two beliefs: that everyone’s abilities can and must be developed if the organization is to thrive in a fast-moving environment, and that innate talent is just the starting point. But for a growth mindset to become part of the company’s culture, all employees must internalize those beliefs. That won’t happen unless learning is pervasive, available to everybody who might benefit from it. And that requires rethinking the way learning is delivered. Transforming Learning Methods Until recently, providing learning to all employees was too expensive, and there weren’t enough trainers. Employees almost always had to be physically present at training sessions, which often meant traveling and missing time at work. That naturally limited the number of participants, making learning an exclusive rather than a democratic opportunity. Now things have changed. Peer teaching greatly expands the number of trainers and expert content developers. And digital instruction expands the reach of learning opportunities to more employees without the company’s having to worry about enrollment numbers, scheduling conflicts, or travel costs. Employees can access learning when and where they need it, often from colleagues who live the topic every day. Transformer CLOs are taking advantage of all these developments. Perhaps most visibly, they are moving away from traditional classroom training in which people are exposed to the same content for the same amount of time regardless of their particular needs and levels of understanding. Instead, these CLOs are personalizing, digitizing, and atomizing learning. They are shifting their attention from specific courses to the whole learning experience. To accommodate the different preferences employees have for how they consume and absorb information, a growing number of companies now make training available through a variety of media—text, audio, video, and more. Transformer CLOs go even further. They’re introducing innovations such as programs that set aside learning time on people’s calendars, and mobile apps that pose leadership questions to managers during their day. They’re offering games and simulations and encouraging the company’s own subject-matter experts to produce YouTube-type instructional videos. They’re even exploring the use of artificial intelligence to develop recommendation engines that, guided by individual and peer behavior, will suggest tailored learning activities to employees. In short, transformer CLOs do everything possible to create engaging and effective experiences that meet employees wherever they happen to be, geographically, temporally, or intellectually. Optimize the inventory of learning resources. CLOs need to be selective about what learning materials to stock and how to supply them. At GE Digital, Heather Whiteman, the company’s former head of learning, used analytics with her team to study hundreds of courses taken by thousands of employees—and then systematically rooted out those found lacking, not just in terms of usage and ratings but in their effects on employee growth. “If a course didn’t move the dial for capabilities that lead to performance,” she told us, “we would drop it in favor of one that did.” Similarly, Villeneuve and her team at UBS used analytics to optimize the learning inventory. The bank had a wealth of training materials online, but analysis showed that many employees who searched for those materials gave up before finding what they needed. Armed with that knowledge, Villeneuve and her team focused on developing a core of fewer but better resources. Then, applying principles of behavioral science, they designed a user interface that put no more than six items on a page, with no more than three clicks needed to get to any item. The results have been remarkable: Ten times more employees now engage with the materials on the company’s core learning shelf. Balance face-to-face and digital learning. CLOs should experiment to get the right mix of face-to-face and digital learning. Cargill, which until recently allocated 80% of its budget to in-person training and only 20% to digital training, is in the process of flipping that ratio around. Dervin and her team have redesigned the company’s leadership-development programs to put some of the coursework online. Senior leaders initially had reservations about the effectiveness of digital instruction and worried about losing opportunities to network and build relationships. But those misgivings were short-lived. The first three cohorts who tried the online learning ended up enjoying the experience so much that they engaged in more training than was required. “What we’re seeing,” Dervin said, “is that this goes hand in glove with the pace and the rhythms of their day-to-day, and they’re loving the flexibility it provides.” Deutsche Telekom, for its part, has developed a matrix to help determine whether a given offering might be better handled with face-to-face instruction, a purely digital approach, or a blend of the two. The matrix helps leaders weigh multiple factors: the type of content, the target audience, and development and delivery considerations. Digital or Face-to-Face Training? Deutsche Telekom considers a number of factors when deciding how best to present specific learning programs. FORMAT CONTENT TARGET AUDIENCE DEVELOPMENT AND DELIVERY CONSIDERATIONS Purely digital formats Best suited for: Hard skills Mandatory training Simple topics Durable, reusable material Larger groups Geographically dispersed or mobile employees, such as those in sales and field service More time required to produce nonstandard material Higher up-front cost to produce nonstandard material Lower cost to deliver per user No need for trainers or videoconferencing facilities at the location Face-to-face or blended formats Best suited for: Soft skills Ad hoc training Complex topics Material that changes frequently Smaller groups Geographically concentrated employees Employees being onboarded Less time required to produce nonstandard material Lower up-front cost for course preparation Potential higher cost to deliver, but possibility of using existing staff as trainers Need for training rooms or videoconferencing at the location   Source: Adapted from company documents © HBR.org Rethink face-to-face learning. As engaging and effective as digital learning experiences can be, face-to-face learning is still important—although it may take new forms. Accenture employs some very sophisticated digital learning platforms and tools and has a vast library of online content, but Varma’s experience is that digital learning goes only so far. “What we’ve found,” he said, “is that there is no substitute for getting people together in cohorts that are cross-cultural and cross-functional.” To achieve that without requiring employees to be in the same physical space, Accenture has created more than 90 “connected classrooms” around the world. These enable the company to offer all employees some types of training—classes in design thinking, for example—that are taught by in-house experts in several different locations. “One facilitator could be in Bangalore, another could be in Manila, and another in Dalian, China,” Varma told us. People are still learning from people, but thanks to videoconferencing and other interactive technologies, along with more-collaborative approaches to learning, traditional geographic constraints no longer apply. Teams all over the world now coach one another and solve problems together. “That is how we do learning, every single day,” Varma said. Some companies have pursued another approach for their face-to-face learning: They’ve created hands-on simulations in which participants must solve real-life problems. At UBS, employees take part in “three-dimensional case studies” in order to develop key capabilities, such as the ability to influence stakeholders or rethink a company product. The interactive case studies test not only their knowledge and intellectual skills but also how they engage with others and react as the situation unfolds. As Villeneuve told us, “They have to do it all together, and they get feedback on everything at the same time.” Face-to-face learning is still important—although it may take new forms. Similarly, operational professionals at DBS spend three days in a simulation exercise that involves transforming a hypothetical old-school bank into a full-fledged digital bank. They work with trainers and colleagues from other parts of the business to tackle staffing and resourcing issues and handle crisis situations unique to the digital world. An element of competition heightens the intensity and engagement. Go beyond instruction. Transformer CLOs believe that instruction alone is not sufficient for meaningful learning. Accenture’s Varma anchors his approach in what he calls the three I’s: instruction, introspection, and immersion. Instruction comes first, of course. But then trainees need to engage in reflection—the introspection part of Varma’s three I’s. This might involve giving employees time to privately mull over what they’ve learned, having them talk it over with a fellow trainee on a walk, or providing a formal opportunity during class to discuss it with a whole cohort.

      This is something I've thought about before - is that often people are continually learning on the job, but there is not enough slack-time in the day to allow for people to engage with reflection

    1. If you have a vector space, any vector space, you can define linear functions on that space. The set of all those functions is the dual space of the vector space. The important point here is that it doesn't matter what this original vector space is. You have a vector space V

      One of the better "simple" discussions of dual spaces I've seen:

      If you have a vector space, any vector space, you can define linear functions on that space. The set of all those functions is the dual space of the vector space. The important point here is that it doesn't matter what this original vector space is. You have a vector space V, you have a corresponding dual V∗.

      OK, now you have linear functions. Now if you add two linear functions, you get again a linear function. Also if you multiply a linear function with a factor, you get again a linear function. Indeed, you can check that linear functions fulfill all the vector space axioms this way. Or in short, the dual space is a vector space in its own right.

      But if V∗ is a vector space, then it comes with everything a vector space comes with. But as we have seen in the beginning, one thing every vector space comes with is a dual space, the space of all linear functions on it. Therefore also the dual space V∗ has a corresponding dual space, V∗∗, which is called double dual space (because "dual space of the dual space" is a bit long).

      So we have the dual space, but we also want to know what sort of functions are in that double dual space. Well, such a function takes a vector from V∗, that is, a linear function on V, and maps that to a scalar (that is, to a member of the field the vector space is based on). Now, if you have a linear function on V, you already know a way to get a scalar from that: Just apply it to a vector from V. Indeed, it is not hard to show that if you just choose an arbitrary fixed element v∈V, then the function Fv:ϕ↦ϕ(v) indeed is a linear function on V∗, and thus a member of the double dual V∗∗. That way we have not only identified certain members of V∗∗ but in addition a natural mapping from V to V∗∗, namely F:v↦Fv. It is not hard to prove that this mapping is linear and injective, so that the functions in V∗∗ corresponding to vectors in V form a subspace of V∗∗. Indeed, if V is finite dimensional, it's even all of V∗∗. That's easy to see if you know that dim(V∗)=dimV and therefore dim(V∗∗)=dimV∗=dimV. On the other hand, since F is injective, dim(F(V))=dim(V). However for finite dimensional vector spaces, the only subspace of the same dimension as the full space is the full space itself. However if V is infinite dimensional, V∗∗ is larger than V. In other words, there are functions in V∗∗ which are not of the form Fv with v∈V.

      Note that since V∗∗again is a vector space, it also has a dual space, which again has a dual space, and so on. So in principle you have an infinite series of duals (although only for infinite vector spaces they are all different).

    1. foldb is a function which operates on a list of elements as, and applies a function f to each element the list, transforming it to another type. It then applies another function op to each successive element in the new list, with an argument z provided when it's the case that the list is empty.

      I really have a hard time reading these prose descriptions of type signatures.

      I might use foldLeft as the example? and then give several examples, some where a and b aren't the same type. For foldLeft you could just say foldLeft is a function that reduces a list to a single value, using a starting value and a 2-argument combining function.

    2. But what if we need to sum up more slices. addSlices is a function which adds two numbers together to get a total.

      It think it's actually possible to get away with not knowing much about currying to start. I might just say "To give a type signature for a function that takes multiple arguments, just put an -> between each argument, like so".

      Then, after the example, you could mention that "Technically, Unison functions are "curried" which is handy if you want to call them with less than all their arguments. You can learn more about that here" and link to a separate module just on that?

      I'm worried it's a bit too much to try to cover currying well in the middle of teaching basic stuff.

      WDYT?

    3. like at1. They currently go up to at4.

      I'd maybe just do say "like at1, at2, and so on and leave it at that, since at4 is not a fundamental limitation. We should just add up to like at20 to base and it's unlikely anyone will ever get that high anyway.

    4. You cannot change the value once it's defined, so pick your favoritePie carefully. 🥧

      I'm concerned this might raise more questions than it addresses here.

      There's a separate notion of changing a definition which Unison does support - just redefining it in the codebase. Also Unison does have mutable references as well, but those are only available in the IO or STM ability.

      Also this essay! the term 'variable' comes from mathematics (like in f(x) = sin(x) + 1, x is a variable). Variable is not a mutable reference.

      https://existentialtype.wordpress.com/2012/02/01/words-matter/

      I like the idea of meeting people where they're at but I also want to gently steer people in the right direction. Maybe we can talk about how best to do that.

    5. the UCM

      minor thing, we should decide if we're doing "the UCM", "UCM", or ucm and then use that consistently.

      I think ucm as in "the executable program called ucm"

      How about defining:

      fragments.ucm = {{ [''ucm'']({glossary.ucm}) }}
      
      glossary.ucm = {{
        "UCM" stands for "Unison Codebase Manager". It's 
        the command line program you'll use to explore and
        modify a Unison codebase and run Unison programs.
      
        Go to [the docs site](https://unison-lang.org/docs/quickstart) for installation instructions.
      }}
      

      Then you can just do {{fragments.ucm}} in any paragraph where you are referencing that and it will get nicely linked back to the glossary entry. Also if we want to change our minds on this later we can do that easily.

      I'd love it if any piece of terminology has a glossary entry like this which is linked at the point of use. Users are not necessarily going to be reading linearly through the docs and it's confusing to encounter terminology that isn't immediately explained in the vicinity of where you're reading.

      The docs should be densely interlinked like this; think of wikipedia. And the doc viewer UI will have nice support for popping open (or even tooltip previewing) links above where you're reading.

    1. Anita: So what do these tattoos mean? The money and the-Angel: The star? I got it because I wanted to know if it hurted in the face. And again, I was young and dumb. And the money sign, I got it while I was in jail because all the things that I suffered and it was all for the love of money. It's like a teardrop money, because all the things I went through, it was all for the love of money. At the end of the day, I just wanted money and it wasn't the right thing to think about.

      Tattoos, Meaning; Regret, Reflection

    1. Ana: I think it'd be really great for people to just probably do this kind of thing, and I’m grateful that someone started it, grateful that someone's doing it, and I really hope that it reaches a scope where everyone kind of becomes interested in this and not necessarily for my story or anyone's story, just because I think that sometimes humans forget we're all humans and it doesn't matter whether you're Afghani, whether you're Haitian, whether you're Dominican, Puerto Rican, et cetera, whether you're... So, it's important to know that no matter what background you come from, you're human, you just have to get to know the person. Yeah, there are assholes out there, of course. Everyone has that. Yes, there are really nice people and awesome people, but it's just the person and not their background. So that's it.

      Reflections; Empathy; Human

    2. Well, English would definitely be a skill that I would say the US gave me or the States gave me. The reality is that English is a very valued asset here. I'm not sure, I think around the world, eventually, because it has become the global language. So 10 years ago, when I first arrived and nine years ago, when I first started looking for a job and such, that's pretty much what sold me or what... I had zero prior experience minus the bakery, and I didn't even mention it because it wasn't even... Really, if I remember correctly, I don't know if it was just one or two weekends, but I didn't like it. So I was like, "I'm not doing this." And without any experience at all, it's hard to get a job. It's funny because they always tell you, "we are hiring people," but it's only people with experience. So all of that is hard, but English sold me in the first and only job I went to for that. Aside from the fact that when I first got here, my Spanish was horrible. So many of the jobs that I initially started applying to were over-the-counter jobs. So it was like Blockbuster, when it existed, or the supermarkets and such and people obviously wouldn't hire me. I couldn't even have a conversation in my interview because of my Spanish. So it was a big no. And it wasn't until funnily enough, my mom, who was the one who found out about call centers here. And she asked one of my cousins to take me to one, and that's how I got my first job.

      English, Language, Economic Opportunity

    3. Ana: Definitely. I wouldn't say that people are harsh. I think that there's a little bit of human in everyone, but it's definitely not the same when you have papers. In terms of care, it's kind of... I don't know how to explain it but just, when you're in the hospital, people will make sure that your vitals are normal, or your vitals are stable. I think that's the word. But other than that, it was hell trying to get attention. It was my mom trying to ask, “What's wrong with her? What can they do?” Doctors just going, "She just needs birth control. Put her on birth control and that's it." Me going on birth control and nothing, not helping. And my mom just kind of desperate I would say, trying to get answers, falling again in the hospital, getting more blood transfusion. It was basically just base work. It wasn't someone actually asking you or checking to see if everything was okay, it was mostly of, "What's going on with you right now?" "I'm bleeding out." And doctors going, "Are you having an abortion? Are you…"—A miscarriage, sorry, here it's abortion—and it was just hard at that time because there was a lot of negligence also. For example, at the time I was still a virgin. And despite saying that I was not pregnant at all, there was no possible way, the doctors still examined me. And you know not being able to do anything legal for it because you couldn't, you're illegal. You can't sue the doctor for malpractice because you're not even supposed to be there. So it's always a lose-lose situation. So yeah, I would not say that it's comfortable being undocumented and needing healthcare.

      Undocumented, Healthcare; Frustration, Healthcare; Discrimination, Healthcare

    4. utting it simply, when I first got here, and I considered myself a lot more American than anything, quirks about people annoyed me or not their quirks, just their ways of certain expressions or it's a way of doing something. For me it was just like, "Ugh, that's so not what I'm used to or that's so not accepted." But now it's more, I feel that I've become more flexible in that sense, with people, with culture, with everything. And yeah, I don't really think that you open your eyes to that until you have to live it. And so I definitely think it's a phenomenon to say you're too much of something, but I don't agree with it.

      Reflections, identity, American; cultural differences

    5. Do you consider yourself more Mexican or American?Ana: Oh, that's a hard, hard question. So I consider myself more Mexican or American. It's funny because just yesterday, there's a fair here. I'm not sure if you're aware of it. It's called feria de las culturas amigas. it's in Chapultepec, which is basically, it's a fair that happens every year. A lot of whole different countries come, and they expose their culture. It's beautiful. Yesterday, I was there and we stopped by US, a friend of mine and me. It was really funny because he mentioned to me, he was like, “you're more gringa, so this is where you should be.” And I was just like, "Ugh, no." Basically, I don't know. I think 10 years ago, if you would've asked me, I would have said American, definitely. I think six years of finally accepting where I am, really adapting to, trying to adapt to where I currently am, I still wouldn't say…I'm leaning more towards Mexican, but I think, I'm not sure.

      Reflections, Identity, Mexican, American, Bicultural

    6. Ana: That the States has given me, I actually do feel that it has shaped me in many ways to be where I am now more than the States itself though. It's weird because you don't really... I feel like you don't really know how much is your parent, how much is your culture, how much is your siblings? So for me, English is number one. I think I really enjoy the culture that they have work-wise. Work-wise, or at least, despite the fact never having worked there in school and such, it's a lot of no bullshit, you're here to do what you're here to do. And one of the things that for me has been really hard to adapt to here is that the culture in that sense is very different. Despite the fact that Mexicans are such hard workers and they are, sometimes they're also very lazy. And so I appreciate having grown up in a culture where you don't really beat around the bush. It's direct, it's to the point and it's not about just...Ana: For example, one of the things where I was discussing, previously or last week with a friend, is I'm the type of person that in a restaurant, if I don't get a proper service or something, I speak up. And not necessarily, not talking about rudely, just I speak up when it's normally not done here. People tend to accept or just sit back and let things slide by. And I don't think that that's something that happens a lot in the States, or didn't, not speaking about the current government, but when I grew up there, it was just flu—I remember that things were fluid. And I don't know if that's also because as a kid, you don't notice or know of all the issues that are going on around, but yeah, I would say to summarize: English, definitely; the working mentality of no beating around the bush and directness; and kind of going for what you want and not being rude about it, but just trying to get your point across without hurting others.

      Return to Mexico, cultural differences; Reflections; Values

    7. Isabel: Do you think that your time in the US has shaped or it made you different, giving you different skills or anything that you can use here?Ana: Well, English would definitely be a skill that I would say the US gave me or the States gave me. The reality is that English is a very valued asset here. I'm not sure, I think around the world, eventually, because it has become the global language. So 10 years ago, when I first arrived and nine years ago, when I first started looking for a job and such, that's pretty much what sold me or what... I had zero prior experience minus the bakery, and I didn't even mention it because it wasn't even... Really, if I remember correctly, I don't know if it was just one or two weekends, but I didn't like it. So I was like, "I'm not doing this." And without any experience at all, it's hard to get a job. It's funny because they always tell you, "we are hiring people," but it's only people with experience. So all of that is hard, but English sold me in the first and only job I went to for that. Aside from the fact that when I first got here, my Spanish was horrible. So many of the jobs that I initially started applying to were over-the-counter jobs. So it was like Blockbuster, when it existed, or the supermarkets and such and people obviously wouldn't hire me. I couldn't even have a conversation in my interview because of my Spanish. So it was a big no. And it wasn't until funnily enough, my mom, who was the one who found out about call centers here. And she asked one of my cousins to take me to one, and that's how I got my first job.

      Return to Mexico, challenges, language; Return to Mexico, challenges, employment; jobs, call centers;

    8. What do you think it was like being away from your family, being in a new place? Just all of those things?Ana: I don't know. Here, I've met people who, immigrants. It's weird because in New York, I don't remember anyone, but here I've met a whole bunch of people and I think everyone has their own experience and I would compare it to, well, maybe not compare it. It's just, I feel that the fact that I didn't want to be here at first really affected the adapting into the culture because, essentially, Mexico, long-term again, has been wonderful. It's just, there is a lot of beauty, there's a lot of kindness, if you know where to look, or even if not, but just, there is a lot of good, but it took me a really long time to see it. It took me years to acknowledge that I was in a place that I could enjoy being in. So the first year adapting was just harsh. The second year onward after knowing, "You know what, if you're going to be here, you might as well do something with your life," I said.

      Return to Mexico, feelings, sadness, hope

    9. Isabel: So then going from that, said your family moved, where did you move to?Ana: North Carolina.Isabel: North Carolina. And then how did you end up back in Mexico from there?Ana: Well, I got really sick. I got really depressed when we moved to North Carolina and to this day, I'm not a hundred percent sure if that's what triggered it, it's more than likely because it's the only thing I attribute to my sickness. I started hemorrhaging. I started to bleed out and it got to a point where it got really, really bad. I was hospitalized about four times. And yeah, it just got really, really bad to a point where I just didn't want to be hospitalized anymore. And so I told my parents that I refused to get hospitalized and my parents said, "Well, we bought you a ticket to Mexico, so."Isabel: So your parents got you a ticket to Mexico so that you could receive help here?Ana: Yes. In Mexico, I have an uncle who's a doctor. So while I was in and out of the hospital and I wasn't getting any better and I wasn't getting any treatment, except blood transfusions and such, my mom sent my medical records to my uncle. Don't really know what the discussion was there, I just knew that she sent him my papers. And from what I know, my uncle told my mom, "You're either going to let her die there or you're going to send her so that I can help her." So my parents were like, "Okay." And they just sat me down. They told me that I had to go get my passport because I was coming to Mexico.Isabel: And was it difficult receiving healthcare in the States with your undocumented status?Ana: Definitely. I wouldn't say that people are harsh. I think that there's a little bit of human in everyone, but it's definitely not the same when you have papers. In terms of care, it's kind of... I don't know how to explain it but just, when you're in the hospital, people will make sure that your vitals are normal, or your vitals are stable. I think that's the word. But other than that, it was hell trying to get attention. It was my mom trying to ask, “What's wrong with her? What can they do?” Doctors just going, "She just needs birth control. Put her on birth control and that's it." Me going on birth control and nothing, not helping. And my mom just kind of desperate I would say, trying to get answers, falling again in the hospital, getting more blood transfusion. It was basically just base work. It wasn't someone actually asking you or checking to see if everything was okay, it was mostly of, "What's going on with you right now?" "I'm bleeding out." And doctors going, "Are you having an abortion? Are you…"—A miscarriage, sorry, here it's abortion—and it was just hard at that time because there was a lot of negligence also. For example, at the time I was still a virgin. And despite saying that I was not pregnant at all, there was no possible way, the doctors still examined me. And you know not being able to do anything legal for it because you couldn't, you're illegal. You can't sue the doctor for malpractice because you're not even supposed to be there. So it's always a lose-lose situation. So yeah, I would not say that it's comfortable being undocumented and needing healthcare.

      Illness; Healthcare; Documents

    1. And I think it’s okay to kind of feel that it’s a work in progress, and I’m continuing to try to make improvements and, I guess that’s the way that it should be at the minute

      I've been working on becoming better at this. It seems true of teaching in general, not just online.

    2. That a lot of that seems to have been, I was able to do in a more time efficient manner. Now that it’s fully online that’s grown from 20% to like 60% is those things, and it’s all it’s all great. It’s just the first time I’m experiencing that, I guess is what I’m saying that facilitation is so key in this whole thing

      It's really exciting to have so much time to invest in relationships, even though it does look so much different.

    3. what is sacred about our teaching?

      Another good question - I teach because students are my mission field. It's about so much more than just the skills in my class for one day; it's about their eternal souls. I have to care, know, and love students. How do I show them that online and show them well?

    1. Same feature in TypeScript¶ It's worth mentioning that other languages have a shortcut for assignment var assignment directly from constructor parameters. So it seems especially painful that Ruby, despite being so beautifully elegant and succinct in other areas, still has no such shortcut for this. One of those other languages (CoffeeScript) is dead now, but TypeScript remains very much alive and allows you to write this (REPL): class Foo { constructor(public a:number, public b:number, private c:number) { } } instead of this boilerplate: class Foo { constructor(a, b, c) { this.a = a; this.b = b; this.c = c; } } (The public/private access modifiers actually disappear in the transpiled JavaScript code because it's only the TypeScript compiler that enforces those access modifiers, and it does so at compile time rather than at run time.) Further reading: https://www.typescriptlang.org/docs/handbook/2/classes.html#parameter-properties https://basarat.gitbook.io/typescript/future-javascript/classes#define-using-constructor https://kendaleiv.com/typescript-constructor-assignment-public-and-private-keywords/ I actually wouldn't mind being able to use public/private modifiers on instance var parameters in Ruby, too, but if we did, I would suggest making that be an additional optional shortcut (for defining accessor methods for those instance vars) that builds on top of the instance var assignment parameter syntax described here. (See more detailed proposal in #__.) Accessors are more of a secondary concern to me: we can already define accessors pretty succinctly with attr_accessor and friends. The bigger pain point that I'm much more interested in having a succinct shortcut for is instance var assignment in constructors. initialize(@a, @b, @c) syntax¶ jsc (Justin Collins) wrote in #note-12: jjyr (Jinyang Jiang) wrote: I am surprised this syntax has been repeatedly requested and rejected since 7 years ago. ... As someone who has been writing Ruby for over 10 years, this syntax is exactly that I would like. I grow really tired of writing def initialize(a, b, c) @a = a @b = b @c = c end This would be perfect: def initialize(@a, @b, @c) end I'm a little bit sad Matz is against this syntax, as it seems so natural to me. Me too!! I've been writing Ruby for over 15 years, and this syntax seems like the most obvious, simple, natural, clear, unsurprising, and Ruby-like. I believe it would be readily understood by any Rubyist without any explanation required. Even if you saw it for the first time, I can't think of any way you could miss or misinterpret its meaning: since @a is in the same position as a local variable a would normally be, it seems abundantly clear that instead of assigning to a local variable, we're just assigning to the variable @a instead and of course you can reference the @a variable in the constructor body, too, exactly the same as you could with a local variable a passed as an argument. A workaround pattern¶ In the meantime, I've taken to defining my constructor and list of public accessors (if any) like this: attr_reader \ :a, :b def new( a, b) @a, @b = a, b end ... which is still horrendously boilerplatey and ugly, and probably most of you will hate — but by lining up the duplicated symbols into a table of columns, I like that I can at least more easily see the ugly duplication and cross-check that I've spelled them all correctly and handled them all consistently. :shrug: Please??¶ Almost every time I write a new class in Ruby, I wish for this feature and wonder if we'll ever get it. Can we please?
    1. I am suggesting that we rethink the foundation of the way data are conceived as capta by shifting its terms from certainty to ambiguity and find graphical means of expressing interpretative complexity.

      Maybe it's because I don't work much with qualitative data in my own research, but I frankly do not understand the utility in this proposal. Why is visualizing subjective and interpretive factors necessary when these are already addressed in the text itself, which would already provide the context necessary for any graph or model? It just seems to be an aesthetic addition that would be more confusing than illuminating for most readers.

    1. The more pieces of information we can “access” and the faster we can extract their gist, the more productive we become as thinkers.

      But are Google's tools really making us more productive thinkers? One might argue that it's attempting to do all the work for us and take out the process of thought all together. We're just rats in a maze hitting a bar to get the food pellet.

      What if the end is a picture of us as the people on the space ship at the end of WALL-E? What if it's keeping us from thinking?

      What if it's making us more shallow thinkers rather than deep thinkers?

      Cross reference P.M. Forni.

    2. Google’s headquarters, in Mountain View, California—the Googleplex—is the Internet’s high church, and the religion practiced inside its walls is Taylorism.

      The idea of Taylorism as a religion is intriguing.

      However, underlying it is the religion of avarice and greed.

      What if we just had the Taylorism with humanity in mind and took out the root motivation of greed?

      This might be akin to trying to return Christianity to it's Jewish roots and removing the bending of the religion away from its original intention.

      It's definitely the case that the "religion" is only as useful and valuable to it's practitioners as the practitioners allow. In the terms of the McLuhan-esque quote "We shape our tools and thereafter they shape us." we could consider religion (any religion including Taylorism) as a tool. How does that tool shape us? How do we continue to reshape it?

      While I'm thinking about it, what is the root form of resilience that has allowed the Roman Catholic Church to last and have the power and influence it's had for two millennia?

    1. I see a 'virtual attribute' as something we're forced to implement when using frameworks, ORMs and the like. Something that lets us inject our code into the path of whatever metaprogramming has been put in place for us. In a simple PORO like this, I don't see how it has meaning; it's just a method. :)

      Hmm, good point. Maybe so. Though I think I'm fine with calling it a virtual property here too. :shrug:

    1. It’s a little more rustic, but still light years beyond what most people will ever get to enjoy, regardless of how hard they work.

      Is it just me or does the excerpted photo not... look... that... fancy? It's a screened porch dealio in the woods? The table looks hella expensive, sure, but relative to American standards this seems kinda doable.

    1. Critical theorists argue that the Enlightenment, including the American founding, carried the seeds of modern racism and imperialism.

      I feel like you can't put this into a piece like this without... I don't know, it's not just that the seeds are in the ideas but that all of the ideas are inextricable from the projects of justification that birthed them.

    1. I don't think this warrants adding to the Array class, since it's not generalizable to all the types that Arrays can contain.

      You could say the same thing about Array#sort. It can cause an error if elements of the array aren't all of the same type/shape. Just make sure it's safe to use first, and thenArray#sort, Array#sum, Array#average, ... are all quite handy and useful to have on Array class.

    2. I don't know, using instance_eval this way just seems weird, and it has a lot of gotchas associated with it that make this approach a bad idea, IMO. (For example, if you tried to access and instance variable or a method on self inside that block, you'd run into problems.) instance_eval is more for metaprogramming or DSL.

      But that's exactly when/why you'd use it: to make self refer to the instance! Just learn that and you'll be fine. You can still access locals from outside the block. And if you need to access instance variables/methods of a different instance, then sure, it's probably a sign you shouldn't be using instance_eval here.

    3. Or if you're looking for a core extension that adds this to the Array class, I'd recommend the facets gem (require 'facets/array/average'). Then you can just do array.average. And, from looking at the source, it turns out they do the exact same thing as the instance_eval approach above. The only difference is that it's implemented as a method—which of course already has self pointing to itself—instead of a block): def average; return nil if empty?; reduce(:+) / length.to_f; end Main advantage of this is that it's even more concise/readable and it handles the empty? case.
    1. was the algorithm itself designed to overblock third-party ads as potentially fraudulent while applying a more lax standard to the ads that Google sells – and makes more money from?

      Google is good enough at machine learning that they know that something like cross-validation for model selection is necessary to not juice the numbers. It doesn't even have to be a "more lax" standard to favor Google if it's shaped just right...

    1. Sylent:Back then hip hop was really not a thing. It was bad. If you listened to hip hop, like, "Oh, you're a drug addict. You're bad. You're a criminal." That has always been the issue. I felt discriminated because of that because I'd dress like I do now with my hats. I would go ask for a job, they say, "No. I'm sorry. We're not looking for people like you." Those were the words. I'm like, "What do you mean?" It's like, "Yes. The way you have tattoos, the way you dress. We're not looking for people like you." I said, "What does that have to do with my knowledge? I'm probably smarter than that guy right there. What does that have to do with my knowledge?" "No." Because I had piercings also. Then it's, "Because our image is not like that." I was like, "Why?"Sylent:Every job I try to go get, it was like, "No." I was shut down. I learned that here in Mexico it's all about image. I just changed a little, started wearing dress shoes, maybe tighter pants, maybe dress shirts. I would go back to the same places and they would welcome me with open arms. It's like, "Wow. So, it was just all about image." If you look nice, they're going to treat you nice. Depending on how you dress and how you speak or how you drive yourself, that's how people treat you. I took that to my advantage and said, "Okay. I need to do something." That's when I said, "Okay, maybe teaching is a good opportunity since everybody's asking." I started looking for schools.Sylent:Then there was this one school that they said, "Hey, I don't care how you look, just you do need to change some things, but I'm not asking you to completely change yourself. Just so that you can seem legit." I'm like, "Okay. I can do that, I guess." I was only 18, 19 years old so I was like, "Am I ready to change or do I want to change even?" I said, "Why not? Maybe it could be better." So, I did change for that school, but then I realized that my identity or my personality started to change as well. I started to become somewhat of a prick. Yes. Then I said, "No. I can't do that no more. I can't." Because that's how the system takes you in and eventually it's not you that changes the system but the system that eventually changes you. So, I said, "No. I have to quit. I have to quit. I am getting paid well, I have everything I have because of that, but I can't lose my identity."Sylent:I got out, and then I realized that I didn't have to be different. I could still be me, but I could act some way around certain people. Yeah, it was hard because I didn't want to, I didn't want to but I felt like I have to because if I didn't I wouldn't get what I wanted, or obtain what I would get. But I do feel bad for becoming, not a total prick, but I do remember saying, "I don't know, don't buy from him because he's from the street," or "Don't buy your groceries there because it's not a good store." Things like that.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Discrimination/stigmatization; Return to Mexico, Challenges, Cultural Differences; Return to Mexico, Jobs, Occupation

    2. Sylent:I live it. I guess this is the street slang. We always use different vocabulary than the ones they use just to be different, I guess. We have our own lingo. We definitely want to represent. It's not like we're hiding or anything, but we want to also express ourselves to our full potential. I think that's one of the best ways. I got into the hip hop culture as a very young child, so I knew that there was graffiti, there was music, there was rapping, there was break dancing. We took that, and we placed our own little bits of ourselves into it. I guess that's where it comes from. I've heard immigrant. In school, I remember in elementary school, we were, there was a class called ESL.Anita:Yeah.Sylent:They would call us migrant students. And I didn't understand what it was until I grew older and started looking at the vocabulary. I saw that it could be you know, an alien. I said, "Yes, we are aliens. We're from a different planet called Mexico." I guess that's how it started and just people picking on us that we're illegal, "Go back to your country," and things like that. We definitely wanted to make that statement. Like, "Yes, we are illegal. So what?" That's how it started.

      Reflections, The United States, Growing up undocumented

    3. Yeah. Yeah, and I didn't use it then, but I should have. But I did feel a cultural shock especially because, in Mexico City there's all kinds of people, all kinds of people. Of course, when I was in United States, I would hang out with people that listened to hip hop. That was it. I didn't really meet people that listened to metal music or reggae or things like that. I started going out with my cousin, he's a guitar player, so he started inviting me to his events. I would see different kinds of people. People with long hair, makeup on, all black. I thought it was pretty cool, like, "Okay, they have their own identity." Then I would go into the reggae events and saw people with dreadlocks, different type of black style, including people that worship other– Not just Christianity but people that practice Buddhism or practice Satanism or things like that. I said, "Wow. It's amazing."

      Return to Mexico, Cultural differences; Pastimes, Music, culture

    4. Well, graffiti. We used to love writing on the walls. Or, I don't know, smoking marijuana. Things like that. Not like damaging or killing people, nothing like that. But more like the lighter stuff. Especially my white friends, they were the ones that really had the marijuana. We didn't know where to get that. My black friends, well they were more into the hip hop and graffiti culture. So, I thought that was pretty cool, and I would go in the library and started just searching books about it. I said, "Okay, it's normal." There were like what you call crews, depending on which area that you lived. For example, this is the Centro so all the little kids from the Centro would hang out and they would go compete with the people from uptown and things like that. I guess that was just it.

      Gangs, camaraderie/family, social acceptance, diversity; Pastime, Art, Music, hanging out; Drugs, taking

    5. It was good for that part but at the same time I did feel discrimination by my own people because they were saying, "Hey, you're American. What are you doing here?" Like, "Well, I'm Mexican. I was born here," because my Spanish wasn't good. Even still today it's not the best. They're like, "You need to learn how to speak Spanish." I said, "I do speak Spanish, just not as well." It's like, "You need to learn how to speak English." My defense has always been like that, "Yeah, okay, you too."

      Identity, American; Identity; Mexican; Mexico, worst parts about being back; Challenges, discrimination/stigmatization; Challenges, language;

    6. I don't know. I don't think it was maximum security, but it was a federal prison. I think it was called ____________ or something like that. I was there for a couple more months. It was the same thing in there. If you were Mexican, you had to be with Mexicans. There were people in there from Russia. There were people from all over the world. But it was a federal prison. I remember asking, "Is this an immigration prison or is this a federal prison?" "No, it's both. We keep both immigrants and… you know" Yeah, I did get scared a lot, especially with just being 18 years old and being with people who are either double my age or older. They really had gang tattoos all over their face. They had marks. They had a lot of things going on with them. I remember hearing stories that they did. I was like, "Wow."

      Detention, reasons, traffic violation; Imprisonment, guards; Imprisonment, other inmates; Imprisonment, treatment; Discrimination/stigmatization; Prison, inmates; Prison, guards; Prison, Gang activity;

    7. Yes. I was driving. I was coming back from work. I had the truck. I had my father's truck. He had all the tools in the back, and I was just coming back from work. There was a checkpoint. I got pulled over. I had a permission that they give teenagers to drive. I remember giving that. Then they were asking me more questions and then I started getting nervous for some reason. Then they started questioning me, "Hey, why are you so nervous?" "You're here. I don't know what you're trying to do." Then they took me into the, I don't know how to call it, separos, where they separate you from– There’s a glass window and they just put you in a room. They make you take off your shoes. It's like a cell, like a big cell. I do remember looking at people and they're like, "Wow, man, these people really look bad. I'm just 18 years old. I'm just a child."

      Arrests; Arrests, Misdemeanors, Traffic Offenses; Reasons for Exit, Deportation;

    8. Then eventually it got more into music. Instead of fighting each other we would like rap and insult each other but in a more clever way. At the end of the day, "Okay, you did good. I like what you said about them," or "I like what you said about this." It's just part of the culture for me to grow like that.

      Friends, hanging out; Pastimes, music, favorite;

    9. The area where I lived there was all kinds of gangs. I did get affiliated. I didn't want to, but I guess I couldn't for some reason, or I did go out and hang out with them. I did do a lot of things that they did, but I never considered myself part of it. I thought I was just affiliated. I thought it was normal because everybody was doing it. Not only in my city but in other cities. I saw the TV, so I thought it was just something normal that teenagers went through and eventually they get back on track. I thought it was just part of being a teenager. I didn't really think I was, "Oh, I want to be the biggest gang member in the world." I just thought, "Oh, yeah, it's cool." I did want to be part of something, obviously. I didn't want to feel left out. I did have family members that did represent them more than that. I thought it was just normal.

      Gangs, affiliation; Gangs, camaraderie/family, fitting in; Gangs;

    1. I knew the basics, but sometimes I'd start a conversation with a family member or somebody and then they'd start saying a couple of words that I didn't understand, and I would actually be like, "Oh, what does that mean?" A lot of people would say, "Oh, well it means this." But a lot of others would just laugh and they'd be like, "How could you not know Spanish if you're Mexican?" And it’s like, yeah, I'm Mexican. I know the basics but—I don't know, it was very confusing. My mom used to always say that we were kind of nomads because we weren't from the States. We were raised there but we're not from the States, but we weren't from Mexico either because we may have been born here, but we didn't know anything about it.
    2. I was about two. I was about two years old, before we went to the States. That was another reason why my dad decided to go to the States, because he saw that and he said, "You can't have progress here because if they see that you have something new, if other people see that you have something that you have barely bought or something, they're going to want it and they're going to want to take it away." And to leave your family, or to have your father get killed over a car, it sounds stupid to me, but it's a reality a lot of people face. To get shot down for a car, a motorcycle, for a phone. For a phone. I mean, it's a phone. A lot of people take it for granted, but if you walk around with your phone in hand, you'll get robbed at gunpoint for it. A lot of people don't see that or don't understand that. That a lot of migrant families leave because it is very violent in their home countries. And that's something that I would like for them to try to understand, just a little bit. A lot of violence is just scary, and you wouldn't want your kids to get robbed at gunpoint outside of their middle school because, I don't know, some guys just want their phone. So, yeah [Chuckles].

      Migration from Mexico, Reasons, Violence; Feelings, Fear

    3. A lot of people are like, “Oh it's you guys don't pay taxes, you guys don't do this, you guys don't do that.” And it's like, well if you guys gave us a chance, we would definitely do all of that. And it would be a lot better for a lot of people, I guess, to be there legally and be able to work. Be able to do everything the right way. So I would honestly just think of the government, thinking up better ways for immigrant families to be able to apply for citizenship. A lot of the families that I knew and that were there, they never did anything wrong. They were never, they'd never had a record, specifically for the fear of getting deported, they did everything by the law. And a lot people that have a residency or that were born in the States—I used to think this way—they didn't really take advantage of the things that they had. A lot of the students that were in my high school, they would strive and they would fight for scholarships. They would fight to get into schools and all of that. And a lot of people that are born in the States, they just take it for granted, and they're just like, “Oh it's there, it's whatever.” And for a lot of immigrant kids it’s like, “No, that's everything to us. It's everything to us specifically, because we know what it's like to have absolutely nothing.” For us, it is a lot. It is very difficult for us to understand. Why would you not take advantage of that

      Reflections, Us government and immigrants; Feelings, growing up undocumented, Disappointment, Frustration, Dignity

    4. I would say, the fear that I have here because probably with ICE, you know that you're going to be detained and deported. Here, you don't know if you're going to go back home. You don't know if you're even going to make it back home. In the news, constantly, there are women being found dead, beaten, shot. Even when you go into the public transportation, constant fear of having someone get in and shoot a gun. It's constant where I live. Public transportation is probably the worst thing you could go on because it's constant. The people getting on there to rob other people—they just shoot without even thinking twice. They shoot you and they don't care.Laila: So, it's probably a lot scarier here [Chuckles] than in the States. In the States, you know you may get detained, you may get deported and that's that. But here you're just scared for your life, completely.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Crime; Reflections, Worst part about being back

    5. They're a lot older, I'm the youngest of five. They stayed, they were able to work and find a place to stay and be a little bit more independent than I was able to at sixteen. Once I came back it was just mostly me by myself with my parents.Lizzy: How long ago was that? How old are you now?Laila: I'm twenty-four. Actually, it was quite a while ago. It's been about nine years since I've been back.

      Arriving to the United States, family structure, family separation, Age; age difference, growing up;

    6. Lizzy: Is there anything that, so kind of switching to the Mexico side now, is there anything you wish Mexican people understood about families like yours that went to the US and came back?Laila: I would like them to understand that we don't have cash stashed somewhere. It's not like we went to the States and we came back rich. That's illogical to think. And just to have them be a little more understanding of the kids that come back from the States. Personally, I went through a lot of discrimination from my own people because I didn't perfectly know or understand the language. So, I would like them to try to ease on to those kinds of people that come back from the States. And don't think that, oh you're made of cash or you're not Mexican because you don't speak Spanish. I mean it's not that, it's that we're used to something completely different. We went to school in the States, so you couldn't speak Spanish in school because all of your teachers spoke English. Everybody communicated in English so if you know the basics, but you don't know more than that, just don't be mean to those people. It's not fair.Lizzy: Just like how we hate it when people in the States, if they hear someone speaking Spanish they tell them, "Don't speak Spanish here, speak English." It sounds like kind of that same kind of discrimination happens here if you're speaking English.Laila: Yeah. I have seen a lot of people make fun of other people for speaking English, and it gets me very angry because it's like, okay so you're on them because they speak English, what does that have to do with anything? If they had the chance to learn another language, that's cool. That's good for them, you know? But they hear other people speaking English, or I've seen British people here going on tours and all that, seeing the city, and other Mexican people see them, or hear them, they start making fun of them. And it's like, why are you making fun of them? There's no point. I have gotten into some conflicts with my cousins, specifically, because they think it’s funny for other people to speak English when for me, it's a privilege to have been able to speak another language other than Spanish. For me, it's an advantage. For my cousins, it's a laughing matter, and it does get me angry because I have told them, "I mean, you wouldn't like to be in the States and speak your native language and have someone make fun of you and tell you don't speak Spanish. No. That's your native language, that's what you know." Don't make fun of other people for that, it's pointless to just make fun of other people for situations like that.

      Reflections, Mexico, Worst parts about being back; Return to Mexico, Challenges, Discrimination/stigmatization

    7. Is there anything that you wish just average American people understood about migrant families?Laila: What I would personally like them to understand is, we're not bad people. I mean, a lot of people do bad things, yeah. But it's not because we're immigrant. Everybody chooses what to do. They choose their own path. A lot of immigrant families, like I mentioned, go for a better future for their children and for themselves. A lot of them leave their home countries not because they want to, but because they have to because of violence, because of war, because of a lot of things. A lot of people in the US think that, oh, I'm hearing you don't have the right to be here. But if they lived even a quarter of what the migrant families lived, they would think completely different. It's not nice driving around the city and getting held up at gunpoint with your family and kids in the car, getting told to get out of the car and leave. Because one of my uncles actually got killed that way. He had his five kids in his truck. It was a brand-new truck. He was very excited because he had barely been able to buy it. He was outside of the house, he loaded the kids in the truck, and he was going to go out with them, and a couple of guys came up to the window and were like, "Get out of the truck. Leave the truck. We want the truck" at gunpoint. And he was like, "Let me get my kids out at least. You can take the truck, but my kids are in the car." And they just didn't care and they shot him down in the truck. He died a couple of minutes after he got shot in the leg and I guess it went through one of his primary arteries. And he died because he didn't want to give up the truck with his kids in it.Lizzy: I'm so sorry.Laila: So yeah, my cousins had to grow up without their father. It was very difficult. And I wish a lot of families in the US would just think about it. What it would be like to go through something like that. It's not easy.

      Reflections, the United States, worst parts

    8. is there anything you feel like you want to share that you haven't gotten the chance to share? Or any other things that you just want people to understand?Laila: Just mostly to have an open mind and an open heart to people that don't have papers. Just because we don't have a paper to validate our residency in the States doesn't mean we don't like being there, doesn't mean we don't love the US. In my school we used to always pledge our allegiance to the flag, you know? And a lot of people would be like, "Well you don't have papers, you're not from here so you shouldn't be doing that." And it's like, no. I love being here, I love being in the US. I love all the opportunities I have. It's just that one paper that I don't have. So just to have them be a lot more open minded and open hearted to people like that because, honestly, all those things that are said that Mexico sends their worst, that's not true. I know a lot of people that were in my high school that were actually getting to go on a foreign exchange student to Japan and to other places because they were the top of the class or top of the state. They were going to the best universities and they were all immigrants. So just be a little more open minded to a lot of people like that. And not just Mexican immigrants. Immigrants in general. A lot of people fear immigrants from other places but it's like, no, you don't think we go to the States with fear? You don't think we're scared of being there? Honestly, we are. My parents went to the States without knowing one word of English. So it's scary. It's scary on both sides but just be a little more open to people like that. Yeah.

      Reflections, the United States, Deportation, what the US has lost; Reflections, the United States, Feelings, Frustration; Reflections, the United States, Feelings, Empathy;

    9. Laila: I don't know, it's just two different mentalities I guess, because of where we come from and because of how a lot of us are raised. When things are handed to us, we just take them for granted. So, in my point of view, if the US government would want us immigrants to do things correctly and go by their law, they should make it easier for us to do it, to do so. We're not saying we're against paying taxes or against doing this, or against doing that. Like, no. It would, a lot of families would be more than happy to go by the law, but it is just very difficult to get citizenship or something to be able to stay there legally and work.Lizzy: Nearly impossible for a lot of people.Laila: Yeah it is.

      Reflections, the United States, policy to help migrants; Reflections, the United States, policy to help those left behind

    10. Laila: If I had the means and the money to pay for it, definitely, I would. I love studying all of that. I would definitely go back to it if I had a way to pay for all of the tuition and all of what they asked for, yeah, definitely. I mean, never say never I guess. So yeah.Lizzy: It's just much harder here.Laila: It is, it is. Very much harder here. And a lot more expensive, and very difficult to find scholarships and all of that for, I guess, a college education. It is very hard.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Continuing Education

    11. Lizzy: As a child, when you were in the States, or as a teenager too, do you remember what did you want to be when you grew up?Laila: I wanted to be a marine biologist. I actually went to a high school where they had that program. They had marine biology there, so it was pretty cool. We had a lot of fish tanks and we were able to see a lot of things. Our school offered scuba diving lessons for free, they would take us to the Catalina Islands to scuba dive in California. But I wasn't able to fulfill that dream of going to the Catalina Islands because of the deportation of my dad and all of that. But yeah, I vividly remember I wanted to be a marine biologist since I was very small.Lizzy: If your dad hadn't been deported and you had stayed in the States, do you think you would have continued down that path?Laila: Completely. Yeah. I actually wanted to finish high school and go to UCLA [University of California, Los Angeles]. I think they had a marine biology program there, and I wanted to go to UCLA. I had already told my parents, and they were like, "You're crazy. You're going to go to California by yourself. Like, what are you going to do there?"Laila: And it's like, I don't know, but I want to be there. I want to do that for a living. I love the ocean, I completely love all of that.Lizzy: I do too [Laila laughs], it's one of my big passions too, I get that. Yeah.Laila: Yeah, so I had already had something planned out you could say. But life just comes at you in a different way. So I couldn't finish that. I looked for a program here in Mexico, but they were all in the Cancún area, the beach areas, and very expensive. So I had to put it, a complete stop on that dream and just, I guess, grow up [Chuckles].

      Time in the US, Higher education, dreaming about

    12. Lizzy: So it's a very different kind of fear than what you had in the States? Something about how in the States you had to be in fear of the police or ICE.Laila: [Affirmative sound]Lizzy: And now here, it's fear of violence. Which one is worse?Laila: I would say, the fear that I have here because probably with ICE, you know that you're going to be detained and deported. Here, you don't know if you're going to go back home. You don't know if you're even going to make it back home. In the news, constantly, there are women being found dead, beaten, shot. Even when you go into the public transportation, constant fear of having someone get in and shoot a gun. It's constant where I live. Public transportation is probably the worst thing you could go on because it's constant. The people getting on there to rob other people—they just shoot without even thinking twice. They shoot you and they don't care.Laila: So, it's probably a lot scarier here [Chuckles] than in the States. In the States, you know you may get detained, you may get deported and that's that. But here you're just scared for your life, completely.

      Return to Mexico, Feelings, Fear

    13. Coming to a place where [Chuckles] the third week that we came to live here, there was a car shot down, completely, and two people killed like right outside my house. That was really scary [Chuckles].Lizzy: Did you see it happen or hear it happen?Laila: I heard the gunshots, and when I looked out of my window I just saw two motorcycles leaving at a high speed. When a lot of the neighbors went to the car to see what happened and to see if they could help anybody, there was two kids dead there. They were probably between fifteen to seventeen-years-old. They were pretty young and they were shot down completely there.Lizzy: This was soon after you got back?Laila: Yeah.Lizzy: So they were about your age?Laila: Yeah, they were about my age and it was really scary seeing that, when in the States you mostly don't see the violence first-hand. You may hear about it and all that, but where I live it's constantly. A couple of months ago, somebody also got killed like a block away from my house. You just hear the gunshots and you just completely freeze. It's really hard.Lizzy: How much of the time would you say that you're in fear? Like every day? Every week?Laila: Every day, every day. Especially now with a lot of women getting targeted in where I live—around I live, there are a lot of missing people posters you could say, and they're all from ten to fifteen-years-old.Lizzy: Wow.Laila: And they're all little girls. It's really hard, and it's scary being a woman here in Mexico, it's really scary. My mom always says if you're going to go out, be back before the sun is down. If you need help, I don't know, get a taxi or get help or I don't know, just run, she says. Don't freeze because the worst thing you could do is freeze. I don't know, it's really scary when your parents have to tell you that before you go out and have them constantly calling you like, "Are you okay? Is everything okay?" It's really hard. It's really hard.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Cultural Differences; Return to Mexico, Challenges, Crime; Return to Mexico, Feelings, Fear;

    14. They received a lot of discrimination at various parts. We actually, my mom actually, got into a physical fight with a woman at a store because she called her a dirty immigrant and wetback. My mom physically got into a fight with her, and she was an employee of the store, and it wasn't even called for.Lizzy: The woman that said that to your mom was an employee?Laila: Yes. Yeah.Lizzy: Were you there when this happened?Laila: Yes, I was [Chuckles]. I remember everything she was saying, and my mom was not speaking English, she didn't know what she was saying, and she looked at me and I didn't want to tell her. I was so embarrassed for my mom, for myself, and for everybody there just staring at her and listening to all of the things that she was saying [Emotional]. I just froze, completely. This person kind of knew Spanish, so she insulted my mom in Spanish and my mom absolutely understood that at the first moment. She told her, "You don't need to treat people like this because you work here. It's your job to help people that come here. You don't have to insult them." And this person, she didn't care at all. So, she kept on insulting her and my mom just got completely mad and they went into a physical fight. Both of them. The lady didn't care, she hit my mom, and my mom hit her and it was chaos. And then we got kicked out and they told us that they were going to call the cops and that they were going to call ICE [Immigration and Custom Enforcement] or whatever.Lizzy: They threatened to call ICE on you?Laila: Yeah, so we had to leave. Later we knew that if they would have called the cops, we could have probably fought back, legally because they can't physically hit my mom if they're an employee. We were just scared, they scared us out of doing anything by telling us that they were going to call ICE.

      Time in the US, discrimination/stigmatization; time in the US, feelings, fear

    15. Laila: It would probably have to be getting to know family members that you probably never thought of meeting, or people that, I don't know, they knew you when you were a baby and you don't even remember them. So it's probably the having a lot more family, because in the States it was just me, my mom, and my two brothers and that's it. We didn't have aunts, we didn't have uncles, we didn't have cousins, we didn't have our grandmother. We didn't have anybody and here it’s like, you have your grandma, you have your uncles, they all get together and they have parties and get togethers, cookouts or whatever. It's probably being able to meet more family members. That would be the only positive thing [Chuckles] that I would personally see being here back in Mexico.

      Mexico, best parts about being back;

    16. Laila: I was living in Arizona, and at that point the Sheriff Joe Arpaio was actually the current sheriff of Arizona, and my high school was mostly Latino. Mostly immigrants. We were all mostly from fourteen to seventeen, a couple of eighteen-year-olds. And there was one day that there was somebody circling, there was a rumor circling that there was going to be a raid close to the school. We thought well, it's a school. Why are you going to come raid a school? That wasn't even a thought for us.Laila: We went to school, and at the time that we were going out, there were sheriffs surrounding the school, stopping parents, stopping students, seniors. There was a senior, a girl that we all kind of knew, she was really nice to everybody, she got stopped because the sheriff said that her back light was out or something like that and it was just an excuse to stop her. She didn't have anything. She didn't have papers, so when the sheriff told her "I need to see an ID, I need to see something. She said, "Well I don't have any papers." So, at that moment she got taken in and sent to a detention center.

      Time in the US, Arrests, Police Raids; Time in the US, Fear; Time in the US, Education, High school

    17. I was happy because I got to meet a lot of family that I had never thought I'd be able to meet, but at the same time I was very sad and very depressed because I knew that it wasn't going to be easy for me to be able to see my brothers and my sister again. They are undocumented so they can't just come whenever they want to. It's been about ten years since I've been able to see them.

      Challenges, family separation; Challenges, mental health; Family relationships, those who stayed in Mexico; Family relationships, those who remained in the US; Feelings, sadness, despair;

    18. It was very difficult. Everything's very new. There was a certain language barrier. I was—Lizzy: Yeah, I was going to ask, how was your Spanish when you got back?Laila: It was very poor [Laughs, still emotional]. I knew the basics, but sometimes I'd start a conversation with a family member or somebody and then they'd start saying a couple of words that I didn't understand, and I would actually be like, "Oh, what does that mean?" A lot of people would say, "Oh, well it means this." But a lot of others would just laugh and they'd be like, "How could you not know Spanish if you're Mexican?" And it’s like, yeah, I'm Mexican. I know the basics but—I don't know, it was very confusing

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Language

    19. I was happy because I got to meet a lot of family that I had never thought I'd be able to meet, but at the same time I was very sad and very depressed because I knew that it wasn't going to be easy for me to be able to see my brothers and my sister again. They are undocumented so they can't just come whenever they want to. It's been about ten years since I've been able to see them.Lizzy: That's a long time.Laila: It is, and it is very difficult. Very difficult on my mom especially, because she left her kids behind. She was able to stay with me, but I think if I was a little bit older, I would have also stayed and I wouldn't have come back here to Mexico. It was very difficult. Everything's very new

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Family Separation; Return to Mexico, Family Relationships, Those who stayed in Mexico; Return to Mexico, Family Relationships, Those who stayed in the US

    20. Laila: Well, mostly from my mom that she has actually told me most of what happened. She says that the first couple of times we were detained, they were just taken back and left at the border. Just go away, go home. There was one time she was actually carrying me. She actually carried me the whole time because I was three so and she says it was around rain time. The shrubs were very tall and all the spines and all that. She didn't want me to get injured, but she actually fell on a rock and got a hole in her knee and she couldn't walk. When the border patrol saw that, they aided her and they gave us water and they wanted to help her. They couldn't really give her medical treatment, but they just helped her get back across the border. She says that one of them told her to go home. Not risk her kids and there was no reason for that. [Pause] There was no reason for that [Chuckle], but I guess my mom says she's very stubborn. So she wanted to reunite her family and we were able to cross on the fifth time [Chuckles].Lizzy: Wow. Your mom sounds like a strong woman.Laila: Yeah, she is. She is. She actually helped us a lot [Emotional]. Sorry.Lizzy: It's okay.Laila: [Starts crying] To get something better. [Pause] sorry.Lizzy: You want me to pause to go get tissues?Laila: Please.

      Mexico before the US, Mexican childhood, Family

    1. Once you realize that it's not really how you were taught to believe, or not for you in that case, I feel like a lot of kids just give up and lose hope, because it's already hard as it is. Not being able to get a job and still trying to do things right without breaking the law. And then when you realize it's never going to change for you, man, you just like, "Whatever. Okay." Or, "If I can't get it like this, I'm going to get it like that."

      Reflections, Growing Up Undocumented

    2. Anne: Sometimes we ask people just to reflect on some patterns, or ideas related to deportees and I was wondering, you like many young men you came over with kids and growing up in the States for whatever reason end up getting in trouble. Why do you think that is, that it's such a prevalent pattern?Mike: I feel like it has a lot to do with you realizing that it's not like people say, because in America you're taught to believe if you really want something you could achieve it. And when you realize that that doesn't apply to you, that's what I feel like that's the big spiral down that you go to.Mike: Once you realize that it's not really how you were taught to believe, or not for you in that case, I feel like a lot of kids just give up and lose hope, because it's already hard as it is. Not being able to get a job and still trying to do things right without breaking the law. And then when you realize it's never going to change for you, man, you just like, "Whatever. Okay." Or, "If I can't get it like this, I'm going to get it like that."Mike: And a lot of thing is survival too. A lot of people have to survive. A lot of people don't have the luxury of being able to get up, go to work every day. A lot of people wish that they had a job. Would kill to just get up early and just get that paycheck. I know a lot of families that they have to go through the most, but they still do it, because they have to. They have no choice. And it's way better than here. And I didn't understand that until now.

      Reflections, The United States, Growing up undocumented, Reasons for getting in trouble

    3. Anne: And so your dreams are the same? US, Mexico, that's what you want to be?Mike: Yeah. I still don't know because I don't even know what road to take. There's so many, but I just want to help. Like I said, I want to be the person that I never had growing up. I don't know what that is though still, or whatever it is.Anne: You're very young.Mike: Yeah. I feel like I'm getting old [Laughs]. Sucks.Anne: Well, not having a childhood you must feel way older than your years.Mike: Oh yeah.Anne: You’ve got a lot of time ahead of you to really achieve those dreams.Mike: Yeah. Now I kind of believe it and it's kind of like, "Okay, yeah. You could do it."

      Reflections, Feelings, Dreams, Hope, Determination

    4. Anne: What were your dreams When you were in the US? What were your dreams?Mike: It's funny as I used to always have a dream of me actually speaking. You know how Martin Luther King did? And this is crazy because I always had this dream every night where I'd be speaking just like him and I'd have crowds just like him. I still feel like I'm going to change society in a positive way.Mike: I don't know why. I'm just the type of person that I care about everybody. I see the bigger picture, because I used to be selfish and only for myself, but I got my eyes open. I just want to be a help. I want to be the person that I wish I had growing up. That's what I want to do. Whatever it is.

      Time in the US, Feelings, Dreams

    5. Anne: What is it you miss most from the US?Mike: My kids. My kids. That's the one thing that I just—I don't even need anything. It's just my kids.

      Reflections, The United States, Favorite parts, missing

    6. Anne: And how long have you been back?Mike: Since October. So like eight, nine months, right? October, November, December.Anne: So what is it like here?Mike: I can't say it's been bad, but it's really hard to try to adjust to everything. My kids are the thing that really hits me. It’s the hardest at night—just knowing that you used to sleep everyday with them in your bed. And just when you're alone in that bed, just thinking about everything, that's when it really hits you. It just like bop right in the face.

      Return to Mexico, Challenges, Family separation

    7. Anne: So how did that lead to your final deportation or voluntary departure?Mike: Remember I told you that I had lost my papers and that's when my son was you know? I had lost my jobs and stuff. So it was really hard sometimes to provide for my kids, because sometimes there wouldn't be people that wanted tattoos, or there wouldn't be people that wanted a haircut.Anne: That’s what you did. You cut hair and—Mike: Yeah. I had to. That's the only thing that I could do. And I remembered to try to be good with the mother of my kids, I went after she invited me to go with one of her friends because they had a hotel in a resort casino. And I remember that I just wanted to please her. I wanted to make her happy.Mike: So again it's really hard to make someone happy when you can't provide for them. So every little thing, I was just trying to be kind of a kiss ass. And yeah, I went with her. I didn't like her friend. I hated her friend. It's just one of her friends that always made her do bad stuff.Mike: So I never liked hanging out with her, but I was like, "I'm going to try it, just because I'm trying to make her happy." And that's the day I got caught up with the blunt in my ear and the security caught me. From there on, I had to go to court fighting the cases and then basically I just like—Anne: So you were detained?Mike: Yeah. For like two days I believe for the blunt in my ear.Anne: What is a blunt?Mike: It's basically a wrap. A brown wrap that you put the marijuana in. It's just like a cigar. Have you seen this Cuban cigar? That's what it is. All they do is they cut it in the middle and they put weed inside. That's what a blunt is.Anne: How did they find it?Mike: I had it in my ear when I was coming out of the—there was a hotel and the casino and in the middle they joined and in that middle part there is security. So I was walking out going to the casino and they seen it in my ear and they're like, "What is that?" And I was like, "Aw damn, I'm done." I knew it so I was like, "Dude, I'm done."Mike: They took me downstairs, checked me, and then they let me go. But then they told me that I had a court date. Little did I know in the next two days somebody came to pick me up from ICE, so I had to go with them. They placed me there for a couple of days, more. Two or three days more. I stayed in the ICE facility for two or three days and then they let me out and then that's when I had to go to court. Keep going to court. Keep going to court until finally I couldn't stall it anymore.Mike: So they were like, "Dude, you got to do something. You either going to jail or to fight it, the case. But you're going to jail. You've got to be in jail and you can't be out while you're fighting this case, or you do a voluntary departure and you go." At that time I felt like I wasn't any good to anybody. I didn’t want to be a burden on my family." So I just left. This is just something that I felt like I had to do. I knew if I ran away, I was never going to be able to provide for my kids, because I was always going to have to try to find a way to provide for myself. And I didn't want that for them. So I just did a voluntary departure. I just said, "Screw it."Anne: And the case that they were... I mean the criminal act was possession of marijuana?Mike: That was it. I still got the paper. I got all my voluntary departure, everything.Anne: How long until you came—Mike: I could go apply anytime I want, but just because of that, I feel like that's going to have some issues. It's going to bring some issues up. But they didn't say, "Oh, you have to wait this long to do it." No, because I did the voluntary departure.Mike: I could've gone and fought the case and did all that stuff, but I was like, "No dude. Don't do it. Because if you lose, you're really not going to be able to come back and then that's going to be something that your kids are going to have to pay for." So I was like, "Nah, man." I just left. I'm just trying to do the right thing right now. Sometimes—

      Leaving the US, Reasons for Exit, Voluntary Departure, Detention, Reasons, Drug possession

    8. Anne: So after your son was born you did not stay with the young woman, and she kept the baby and you just visited him?Mike: No, no, no. I got us an apartment. I was working, I had gotten a car and the thing was crazy because everything started working out all by itself. I feel like it was blessing, after blessing, after blessing. And at that time, that's when I was getting my work permit. I got my social. That was all at that time. So I was able to provide for my kids. I was able to provide for the mother of my kids.Anne: You have more than one kid?Mike: Yeah. I have two kids.Mike: Same mother. Oh yeah, we had that kid because she was pregnant before, but she had a miscarriage. Or, I don't know what they call it, but the baby died in the womb.Anne: A still born baby?Mike: It was alive, but I think the [Exhale], hospitals since they didn't—you know when babies are really young, it takes money to take care of them?Anne: Premature?Mike: Well he was six months and her water broke. He was still alive and they told us that they could take him out, but he was going to have problems. So they made us feel like he wasn't going to survive, and they let him die in the womb.Mike: And then when we found out, we tried to put a lawsuit on them, but it was too late. But they felt bad. They still feel bad, because every year they send us cards, all the nurses and staff. So I know they did something wrong. I know they did.Anne: That was the second pregnancy?Mike: That was the second pregnancy, but since that went wrong, the mother of my kids just got like depressed. Have you heard of a rainbow child? It's when you have a kid after the first one passed away.Mike: So that was our rainbow child, Eli, and that's when I started going downhill, because my stuff got denied. I didn't have the privileges that every normal US citizen gets to have. So I had two kids, no way to provide for them.

      Time in the US, Relationships, Having children, Complications

    9. Anne: Yeah. You were talking about drugs.Mike: Oh yeah, drugs, man. It's just it didn't really get to me. But I could see if I didn't have that motivation in myself, I could see how it would be really easy to just go down a spiral and just drug binge. But luckily thank God that that didn't happen to me. But weed I would usually use it a lot, because it was my coping mechanism.Mike: When you smoke, it makes you feel like nothing is important. All your problems go away basically. And it was just like a coping mechanism to just go on every day with my life. I felt like if I didn't have that, there was no point. My life was whack.... There was one point in time that I had to smoke before I do something fun.Mike: It got to that point and it sucked, because I'm like, "You had so much energy. You did so many things and now it's like you got to smoke weed to have fun." You know what I mean? But that's the only thing I had a problem with. I've tried drugs, but it never really got something to where I could say like, "Dang bro, you're addicted. You need to stop."

      Time in the US, Drugs, Taking

    10. Mike: That was my mentality. When I shouldn't have thought like that, I should have been thinking like, "You're not from here. You got to watch out. You need to get something going on because, you got another life that depends on you." But it was crazy, because it's a mood swing. It's like you want to do good, not just for yourself, but for your family, but at the same time you're just like rebelling because you didn't get to live the things that you did.Mike: So it's like you know you're supposed to do this, but you're like, Ah, whatever. And then you just end up doing that. But then when you do it, you're like, "Damn, why did I do it?" You just reflect back on it. And it was always a freaking struggle in my head man. Just trying to do the right thing, because I felt like the world owed me all the time I lost. You know what I mean?

      Reflections, Feelings, Frustration, Regret

    11. Anne: So you said that you liked it, because it got your parents upset?Mike: Oh yeah.Anne: Was this your mom and stepdad?Mike: Oh yeah.Anne: Why were you so mad at your mom do you think?Mike: Because all this stuff that happened, I kind of blamed it on her. Slowly I started saying because of one decision that she had made, all our lives got messed up, even if she wanted to or not, point blank period. But then I didn't think on both sides. I was really young, so I would always be like “Me, me, me.” When I started getting older, I realized like, "Dude, she only did it to give us a better life."Anne: So you are saying the decision to come to the US was what...Mike: Not even that, it's just getting with my stepdad. I'd always had trouble listening to male authority, just because I didn't have that at all. So every time he would tell me to do something, I'd get so mad. I just want to punch him in the face. And it sucked, man, because he would always try to tell me stuff—he would do it for my own good.Mike: He would never get out of hand talk to me, but I would always explode on him. I would treat him like the parent that I never had who wanted to be back in my life. So you know you could kind of treat him like however you want? That's how I would treat him. And I just started realizing over time my dad just—this guy really cares about us. He's providing for five kids and still doesn't ask for anything.Mike: It just started growing on me and we started getting along and it started getting better. But yeah, I would not get along with my mom, or my dad at all. And my mom was—I feel like a lot of Mexican women and men, they have something against black folks even if you want to or not. I feel like that's racist too, because my mom would always be like, "Why do you hang out with them? Why do you do this? Why do you do that?"Mike: I'm like, "Because they're cool, man. They're like... I feel like these are my people. They've gone through the same struggles, a lot of the same stuff that happened to them. They would happen to me." So I would always bring them over, and I remember one time my mom got so mad she grabbed an orange and threw it at my friend, but my friend was so tall, he just caught it.

      Time in the US, Family

    12. Anne: You talked about your association with kids that weren't the best in high school. Did you get in trouble?Mike: Oh yeah.Anne: Did you actually get arrested?Mike: Oh yeah. A couple of times. But it was my high school year, so it never stayed in my record, but I was getting in trouble constantly. And I liked it, because my parents would have to suffer. That's the sucky thing about it. Looking back at it now, I put my mom through a lot of stuff, and it sucks.Anne: So what kind of crimes did you commit?Mike: Basically it was just petty things. They would always catch us for skipping school. One time I remember my friend went into a gas station and stole some cigarettes, which is—how do you grab the cigarettes in the back counter? And I was with that guy. Fights. I also loved fighting. It's just a way of me just getting my anger out.Mike: I got a lot of disorderly conducts and it was for fighting. It's just something about fighting that just releases the stress. It just releases my anger. And since I didn't want to take it on my family, I would just always, whoever wanted it, I'd be the first one to step in. And it's crazy because I was the shortest one I remember. I was the shortest one man.Mike: I used to hang out with a lot of black people, so I was always the shortest one. I was always doing the most man. And I was like, "Dude, what's wrong with you?" Then everybody would be like, "Dude, calm down." You're like one of those mad chihuahuas. And I was like, "Dude, you're so right. I got to stop, man. I got to stop." Which is crazy.

      Time in the US, Arrests

    13. Mike: No, that was actually... She was still in high school. She was in senior year I believe. I wasn't in high school anymore, I was working at that time, working for the Solar Spot. I had barely started working for the Solar Spot and she kind of gave me motivation to do better. When you have somebody, you want to take them out and do extra stuff. So you're like, "Yeah man, I got to get this money."Mike: And that was another motivation that helped me kind of get up at a higher level than I was. But it was just a lot of stuff. When you have kids young, you think you want something, but you don't know. It's just like you think you like the person but you don't like them. You just like them for their looks or their body, and that was my mistake. And yes, she actually told me if I wanted to marry her.Mike: I didn't like her and I didn't want to do that to her. But she was just wanting to help me out so I could get my papers, but I couldn't do it to her, man. I just imagine myself like, "Damn, she's going to marry me." And then like, "What if I'm not the right one, and then she's going to have to go. She's taking that sacrifice for me. I don't feel like that's fair."Mike: So we never got married. I never fixed anything. I could, I had the chance because at that time they told me, "Why don't you put your papers in?" My boss—damn, that guy has helped me a lot. His name is Richard Perkin. Man, that guy's like a second father to me. He did everything he could to try to help me out and my status, but at that point it was already too late because they had denied us for—Anne: Denied what?Mike: Remember when I told you that my mom put in the Visa U or some stuff like that? Since they denied us, they wouldn't give us another shot. I had to wait a certain amount of years.

      Time in the US, Relationships, Falling in love, Having Children, creating families

    14. Anne: So when did you stop feeling for your family, and feeling like you'd fit into Christmas and such?Mike: That was going on high school. I think it was my freshman year, because like I said man, it's just all these things that happen to you, there's just only so much you could take to where you're like, "You know what? Eff it." You're just done with everybody and you're just like, "You know what? If life paid me back like this, then why should I care?" You know what I mean? And it makes me feel like inferior at times.

      Time in the US, Family, Rejection

    15. Mike: Just going through everything, it kind of made me not have feelings for anybody, because when you have feelings for somebody that's a way that somebody could hurt you. So it's like you block all that out and you don't want nothing to do with it, because that way you can get hurt. I'm sorry, I'm going off topic.

      Reflections, Feelings, Jaded

    16. Anne: Was it a gang or just a bunch of kids?Mike: It was gang members. I used to hang out with people that they didn't care for themselves. I remember walking into my friend's house and the house was just like, "Oh my God." It was like a tornado went in and I usually don't hang out with people like this. I was so scared just being in that house and I just started getting used to it, because those are the people that I could not relate to, but I had something in common like, "Okay if you're not ish, then I'm not an ish either."Mike: So we relate and I feel like kind of adopted. They kind of adopted me. The streets adopted me kind of in a way. I didn't really have a relationship with my family. When there was a family events or anything, I felt like an outcast. I would never go to them. Christmas, I was always in my room. Every little... It's just weird man. Everything messed me up. I feel like traumatic. Just the trauma of everything.

      Time in the US, Gangs, Camaraderie/family

    17. Anne: So you were talking about in high school you found out that you would not be able to get a legal job. Started getting in trouble. What kind of trouble?Mike: I started hanging out with the wrong kind of kids. These other kids that wouldn't go to school and I noticed what type of kids I was hanging out with. I noticed the difference, because there's productive people that make you want to do better, and there's this people that just see you and they want to see you do as bad as them.Mike: So they kind of drag you down under. I felt like I just wanted to fit in kind of because all my life I felt like I wasn't equal—I don't know how to explain it. It's just I just wanted to fit in kind of, not feel like I wasn't as good as them, because I felt like I was always inferior, because I didn't have the things that they had.

      Time in the US, Gangs, Affiliation, Camaraderie/family, Fitting in

    18. Mike: And you know what's crazy? My mom actually signed us up for this program. It's called Visa U , which is a process for the immigration and it's just one route that you could go.Mike: She signed us up, but the people that were doing all the paperwork for us basically lied to us and basically committed fraud, because they told us that through this for certain we were going to be able to get papers, because we went through some kind of a violence.Anne: With your dad?Mike: Yeah. But they didn't tell us that if he wasn't from there, that it didn't apply to us. And since he's not a resident, or he's not anything, they just took it all away. But they gave me a social security card. They gave me a work permit. They gave me everything that I needed. I even got my taxes one year [Emotional]. I got $3,000 back, put my taxes on my wall, like I'm really doing it.Mike: But then out of nowhere, stripped everything from us. We didn't know what to do. There was no... Just got to go back to the old things that we were doing. But luckily, I was able to cut hair and do tattoos, and I was able to get by.Anne: So the violence that you encountered didn't qualify, because the perpetrator was not a us citizen. Is that what it is?Mike: Yes. Which was my father at the time.Mike: And then when they strip that away, that's when you kind of want to take your anger out, because you're like, "Wow. What else can I go through?" And then it starts raining just kind of like that scenario. But yeah, it's hard. It's hard.

      Time in the US, Immigration status, Broken system

    19. Anne: So I don't know if you follow what's going on in the US. There's a law, that probably won’t get passed in the Senate but just got passed in the house, that basically says that if someone like you, graduates from high school, or is on the way to graduating from high school and hasn't gotten in trouble, you can get a conditional residence—Mike: Right.Anne: And get a social security card for ten years. Ten years conditional residence. And then if you get employed in three years during that time you can get permanent legal access.Mike: Oh, okay. So that was the Trump administration when they came to an agreement, right?Anne: No, they haven't reached an agreement, but it's this new dream. If you had known that all you had to do was keep going to school and you could get a social security card and you could have a path to citizenship, would that have made a difference, do you think?Mike: Yes. I feel like yes, if I would have known earlier. But at the same time, once you start living in Arizona, or anywhere in the US, you kind of start thinking like you're from there. I was telling the nice lady from earlier, Anita, that once you get used to it, once you think that you're from there—that was my mistake, because I started not caring—you just start doing stuff that if you don't have papers you should know you're not supposed to do. I got kind of carried away and was trying to get the whole world. Because I didn't have my papers, I was trying to go after everybody. I'm like, "Okay. So if I can't work, cool, I'll just do my own thing, or I'll just do this, do that."Mike: I feel like if I was a little more informed, it would have gone a different way, or a little more help, programs or anything. I feel like I could have still had a fighting chance.Anne: Yeah. I mean the hope is that there will be policy that will give hope to people like you that as soon as you finish going to school, you can then get a social security card, you can get a job, you can make a life for yourself, but currently—

      Reflections, The United States, Policy to help migrants

    20. Mike: And it took a whole month for the cops to come to my house. So I was with my two little brothers and my little sister was born by that time. She was like three, four. We stayed a whole month with nobody just by ourselves in the house. And I remember this—Anne: How old were you?Mike: I was 11, 12.Anne: And you were the oldest?Mike: Yeah. And that's that right there... I could see why single mothers and people that just don't have any help, why they stress, or why they go through all that stuff, or why they treat their kids bad and stuff, because it’s hard taking care of kids. I remember not having anything. On the last day of the month, I opened the freezer, and there's nothing in there. Nothing at all. And I'm like, "What am I going to do? What am I going to feed my little brothers and sisters?" And then I was just like, "You know what? I'm just going to go to the store and just steal something. A bag of chips, whatever." So I go in the store and the guy was really nice. He was an Arab guy. He was always telling me, "Hey, just pay me back tomorrow."Mike: And I had remembered he had already done that. He gave me a bag of chips, and he just told me, "Pay me back whenever you come." So I was like, "Dude, I can't do that again, because I don't have no money this time" [Emotional]. So I remember I prayed to God. I prayed to God. I was like, "Please God help me. I don't want to steal from this man. He's really good guy." And, oh dude, this is crazy, because I look in my pocket—I had the chips in my hand and I was acting like I had money. Sure enough, I reached in my pocket, and I had a dollar. A freaking dollar. I was like, "God I know you're real." Because at that time I was like, "Yeah." But I got home, opened the little bag, put some lime, put some hot sauce, feed my little brothers and sisters.Mike: Then I'm telling you, we were so hungry that I had some seeds, some plants—the garden seeds and stuff. I went outside thinking that they were going to grow in a couple of days. I made myself a little garden, I was planting them, and I was like, "Please, God..." When I was praying, I was like, "Please God, let me get this food so I can feed my brothers and sisters, because I don't know when my dad is going to come.” And right when I look up, I see two officers. A lady and then a man. They said they were US Marshalls or something like that. They took us.Mike: We stayed with them for a couple of days, and then they flew us back to Arizona where my mom was staying at. So yeah, those two years being away from her, my dad had lied to us and said that she didn't want us anymore because she had another kid on the way. And yeah, my dad didn't care. He just lied to us and said that my mom didn't want us.Mike: So, I was thinking like, "Why do you want us back? You say you didn't want us.” Little did I know all that. She told me all this stuff that happened and I just started busting down and crying. And I was always mean to my little stepsister too. But once I learned about how my dad, when she was a newborn, put her in the closet with my mom—got my mom butt naked and put her in the closet—and left her there and then took us to Texas… I used to be mean to my little sister, but after I heard that, I was just like—me and her just got close and stuff. Yeah.

      Time in the US, Homelife, Siblings, Caring for them

    21. Mike: Yeah. And right there, from then on I was just like, "You know what? It's whatever. What's the point of even trying?" It kind of messed me up, got me depressed a little bit. I started hanging out with bad people, doing the wrong things, and I dropped out my senior year.Mike: I remember that day. Damn, that was crazy. I don't know why I did it. I just like... I just said, "Screw it. Nothing's ever going to happen for me, so why even try?"

      Time in the US, Feelings, Despair

    22. Mike: It's funny as I used to always have a dream of me actually speaking. You know how Martin Luther King did? And this is crazy because I always had this dream every night where I'd be speaking just like him and I'd have crowds just like him. I still feel like I'm going to change society in a positive way.Mike: I don't know why. I'm just the type of person that I care about everybody. I see the bigger picture, because I used to be selfish and only for myself, but I got my eyes open. I just want to be a help. I want to be the person that I wish I had growing up. That's what I want to do. Whatever it is.

      Reflection , The United States , Dreams

    23. Mike: My kids. My kids. That's the one thing that I just—I don't even need anything. It's just my kids.

      Reflection , The United States , Favorite Parts, missing

    24. It’s the hardest at night—just knowing that you used to sleep everyday with them in your bed. And just when you're alone in that bed, just thinking about everything, that's when it really hits you

      Return to Mexico , Feeling , Despair

    25. Mike: I can't say it's been bad, but it's really hard to try to adjust to everything. My kids are the thing that really hits me. It’s the hardest at night—just knowing that you used to sleep everyday with them in your bed. And just when you're alone in that bed, just thinking about everything, that's when it really hits you. It just like bop right in the face. But other than that, Mexico has been good to me. I’ve gotten blessed with that job.

      Return to Mexico , Fitting in

    26. Mike: I could go apply anytime I want, but just because of that, I feel like that's going to have some issues. It's going to bring some issues up. But they didn't say, "Oh, you have to wait this long to do it." No, because I did the voluntary departure.

      Leaving the US , Voluntary Departure

    27. Anne: What is a blunt?Mike: It's basically a wrap. A brown wrap that you put the marijuana in. It's just like a cigar. Have you seen this Cuban cigar? That's what it is. All they do is they cut it in the middle and they put weed inside. That's what a blunt is.

      Time in the US , Arrest , Drug Offense

    28. Mike: Oh yeah, drugs, man. It's just it didn't really get to me. But I could see if I didn't have that motivation in myself, I could see how it would be really easy to just go down a spiral and just drug binge. But luckily thank God that that didn't happen to me. But weed I would usually use it a lot, because it was my coping mechanism.Mike: When you smoke, it makes you feel like nothing is important. All your problems go away basically. And it was just like a coping mechanism to just go on every day with my life. I felt like if I didn't have that, there was no point. My life was whack.... There was one point in time that I had to smoke before I do something fun.Mike: It got to that point and it sucked, because I'm like, "You had so much energy. You did so many things and now it's like you got to smoke weed to have fun." You know what I mean? But that's the only thing I had a problem with. I've tried drugs, but it never really got something to where I could say like, "Dang bro, you're addicted. You need to stop."

      Time in the US , Drugs , Addiction

    29. Mike: So that's a lot of the reasons that I did stupid things too, because I was just trying to live that childhood—I feel like I got robbed, kind of. So sometimes when I do stupid stuff, I still have that mindset of a kid. It's weird. I don't know how to explain it. Just like I did a lot of stuff, because I felt like I got robbed of that time. So it's like, "You know what? If I go to a party and I get drunk and this and that and I get locked up—Oh well, I'm still young."

      Time in the US , memories , childhood

    30. Mike: Not even that, it's just getting with my stepdad. I'd always had trouble listening to male authority, just because I didn't have that at all. So every time he would tell me to do something, I'd get so mad. I just want to punch him in the face. And it sucked, man, because he would always try to tell me stuff—he would do it for my own good.Mike: He would never get out of hand talk to me, but I would always explode on him. I would treat him like the parent that I never had who wanted to be back in my life. So you know you could kind of treat him like however you want? That's how I would treat him. And I just started realizing over time my dad just—this guy really cares about us. He's providing for five kids and still doesn't ask for anything.Mike: It just started growing on me and we started getting along and it started getting better. But yeah, I would not get along with my mom, or my dad at all. And my mom was—I feel like a lot of Mexican women and men, they have something against black folks even if you want to or not. I feel like that's racist too, because my mom would always be like, "Why do you hang out with them? Why do you do this? Why do you do that?"Mike: I'm like, "Because they're cool, man. They're like... I feel like these are my people. They've gone through the same struggles, a lot of the same stuff that happened to them. They would happen to me." So I would always bring them over, and I remember one time my mom got so mad she grabbed an orange and threw it at my friend, but my friend was so tall, he just caught it.Mike: These were kids from Nigeria. They're African—these guys are like, "Whoa." So he caught it and then he just said hi to my mom. My mom was so mad that day, man. I didn't come home for like two or three days just because of that. I got a lot of stories. I'm sorry I get out of track.Anne: No, that's okay. That's okay [Laughs]. So when you started to work and it was working for your stepdad friend's company. When you started doing that, did you start getting along better with him and with your mom?

      Time in the United States , Family , Parents

    31. Mike: I got a lot of disorderly conducts and it was for fighting. It's just something about fighting that just releases the stress. It just releases my anger. And since I didn't want to take it on my family, I would just always, whoever wanted it, I'd be the first one to step in. And it's crazy because I was the shortest one I remember. I was the shortest one man.

      Time in the US , Fights

    32. Mike: Basically it was just petty things. They would always catch us for skipping school. One time I remember my friend went into a gas station and stole some cigarettes, which is—how do you grab the cigarettes in the back counter? And I was with that guy. Fights. I also loved fighting. It's just a way of me just getting my anger out.

      Time in the US , Arrests

    33. Mike: No, that was actually... She was still in high school. She was in senior year I believe. I wasn't in high school anymore, I was working at that time, working for the Solar Spot. I had barely started working for the Solar Spot and she kind of gave me motivation to do better. When you have somebody, you want to take them out and do extra stuff. So you're like, "Yeah man, I got to get this money."Mike: And that was another motivation that helped me kind of get up at a higher level than I was. But it was just a lot of stuff. When you have kids young, you think you want something, but you don't know. It's just like you think you like the person but you don't like them. You just like them for their looks or their body, and that was my mistake. And yes, she actually told me if I wanted to marry her.

      Time in the US , Family , Children

    34. Mike: That was going on high school. I think it was my freshman year, because like I said man, it's just all these things that happen to you, there's just only so much you could take to where you're like, "You know what? Eff it." You're just done with everybody and you're just like, "You know what? If life paid me back like this, then why should I care?" You know what I mean? And it makes me feel like inferior at times.Mike: So yeah, I feel like it was around my freshman year, everything started going downhill, because I used to be in events, classes, and all my teachers loved me. I would have conversations like this with my teachers and they'd be amazed sometimes like, "Wow, this kid has so much insight. So much to talk about." And they would always encourage me, but the thing about it is I wouldn't feel like that.Mike: I would always feel like, "I'm not shit. What are they talking about? What do they see in me that I don't see in myself?" And it sucked because other people looked at my potential and I put myself so low that I didn't even look at that. Every time they're like, "Dude, you've got so much potential." And I'm like, "Yeah, right dude, what are you talking about? You just trying to butter me up man."

      Tiem in the Us , High School

    35. Mike: Just going through everything, it kind of made me not have feelings for anybody, because when you have feelings for somebody that's a way that somebody could hurt you. So it's like you block all that out and you don't want nothing to do with it, because that way you can get hurt. I'm sorry, I'm going off topic.

      Time in the US , Feeling , Despair

    36. Mike: It was gang members. I used to hang out with people that they didn't care for themselves. I remember walking into my friend's house and the house was just like, "Oh my God." It was like a tornado went in and I usually don't hang out with people like this. I was so scared just being in that house and I just started getting used to it, because those are the people that I could not relate to, but I had something in common like, "Okay if you're not ish, then I'm not an ish either."Mike: So we relate and I feel like kind of adopted. They kind of adopted me. The streets adopted me kind of in a way. I didn't really have a relationship with my family. When there was a family events or anything, I felt like an outcast. I would never go to them. Christmas, I was always in my room. Every little... It's just weird man. Everything messed me up. I feel like traumatic. Just the trauma of everything.

      Time in the US , Gang , Comtradery Family

    37. Mike: I started hanging out with the wrong kind of kids. These other kids that wouldn't go to school and I noticed what type of kids I was hanging out with. I noticed the difference, because there's productive people that make you want to do better, and there's this people that just see you and they want to see you do as bad as them.Mike: So they kind of drag you down under. I felt like I just wanted to fit in kind of because all my life I felt like I wasn't equal—I don't know how to explain it. It's just I just wanted to fit in kind of, not feel like I wasn't as good as them, because I felt like I was always inferior, because I didn't have the things that they had.

      Time in the US , High School , Struggling Suspension Dropping Out

    38. Mike: So they kind of drag you down under. I felt like I just wanted to fit in kind of because all my life I felt like I wasn't equal—I don't know how to explain it. It's just I just wanted to fit in kind of, not feel like I wasn't as good as them, because I felt like I was always inferior, because I didn't have the things that they had.

      Time in the US , fitting in

    39. Mike: And then when they strip that away, that's when you kind of want to take your anger out, because you're like, "Wow. What else can I go through?" And then it starts raining just kind of like that scenario. But yeah, it's hard. It's hard.

      time in the US , despair

    40. Mike: And you know what's crazy? My mom actually signed us up for this program. It's called Visa U , which is a process for the immigration and it's just one route that you could go.Mike: She signed us up, but the people that were doing all the paperwork for us basically lied to us and basically committed fraud, because they told us that through this for certain we were going to be able to get papers, because we went through some kind of a violence.

      Time in the US , Documents

    41. Anne: No, they haven't reached an agreement, but it's this new dream. If you had known that all you had to do was keep going to school and you could get a social security card and you could have a path to citizenship, would that have made a difference, do you think?Mike: Yes. I feel like yes, if I would have known earlier. But at the same time, once you start living in Arizona, or anywhere in the US, you kind of start thinking like you're from there. I was telling the nice lady from earlier, Anita, that once you get used to it, once you think that you're from there—that was my mistake, because I started not caring—you just start doing stuff that if you don't have papers you should know you're not supposed to do. I got kind of carried away and was trying to get the whole world. Because I didn't have my papers, I was trying to go after everybody. I'm like, "Okay. So if I can't work, cool, I'll just do my own thing, or I'll just do this, do that."

      Daca , Eligibility

    1. Luisa: I had to go through hell in order to get my paperwork done for school—through hell, and then I still had to do two years. If that was somebody else with a little bit less drive or a little bit less enthusiasm, they would've given up and they wouldn't have continued with their studies. They would've said, "Fuck it. Why? They're putting me against the wall. How am I supposed to do anything?” Anyone else for sure would've, and I know a lot of cases where they're like, "Dude, it's just too hard. It's too hard to keep going. They're asking me to do everything that I've already done, and what they're asking me to do is subpar compared to the education that I've had." So it's extremely discouraging.

      Reflections, Feelings, Discouragement

    2. Anita: What has Mexico gained by gaining you?Luisa: I think they've gained a lot. I think Mexico has gained a lot, but they don't know how to appreciate it. They pretty much throw us aside. Unfortunately, the Mexican government does not think that people who are returning from the States have anything to offer, and they're dead wrong about that. Honestly, if you look at a lot of these people that are coming back, they have so much to offer. They have so much to give and they have so much drive and they're hungry, but they don't make it easy for us.Luisa: I had to go through hell in order to get my paperwork done for school—through hell, and then I still had to do two years. If that was somebody else with a little bit less drive or a little bit less enthusiasm, they would've given up and they wouldn't have continued with their studies. They would've said, "Fuck it. Why? They're putting me against the wall. How am I supposed to do anything?” Anyone else for sure would've, and I know a lot of cases where they're like, "Dude, it's just too hard. It's too hard to keep going. They're asking me to do everything that I've already done, and what they're asking me to do is subpar compared to the education that I've had." So it's extremely discouraging.

      Reflections, Mexico, What Mexico has gained

    3. Anita: Tell me about being undocumented. When did you know? What was it like?Luisa: Well, I think [Pause] our entire lives pretty much we were just … I was not allowed to tell anyone. I knew I was undocumented probably my entire life, but I think it never really hit home until certain things started happening. For example, my best friend, a Yugoslavian, her family is extremely very, very white [Chuckles]. Her grandparents are Yugoslavian. Fun fact, her grandfather was in the Second World War. I got a lot of good stories from him. [Laughs]Luisa: He was a prisoner of war. [Pause] Her mother asked me—and I mean this girl would spend every single day at my home, or I would spend every single day at her home or her grandparents’ home. If my mom couldn't find me, she'd call L___’s mom and if L___'s mom couldn't find me, she'd call my mom, and that's how it was. Her sister would call me like, "Hey. Could you tell L___ that she needs to come on this day because we're going to have the family barbecue? You're invited, too, obviously." All family events I was invited to. I was at her cousin's wedding. That's how involved we were. We were best friends.Luisa: Her mother, I remember one time she's driving me home, and she asks extremely aggressively if I am illegal or not. And I remember being scared like a deer in the headlights. “No, I'm not. I'm not.” I was so scared of this mostly because one of my uncles saw somebody—an ex-girlfriend, I think it was, pretty much accused him of being illegal. He was deported and we had this huge thing in our heads that if somebody knew we were illegal, we were going to be deported and ripped away from everything that we knew. So I was not allowed to tell anyone.Luisa: To this day, none of my friends know that I had no papers. None of them. That's saying a lot because [Chuckles]—Anita: What did your mother tell you? Did she tell you you're not allowed to tell this? This is a secret and—Luisa: Yes, this is a secret. My mother did not allow us to talk about it. Even when it came up, I could feel my heart shake and my palms get sweaty because I was so scared of getting deported. That was such a big thing. I remember we went to this science center. The Argonne Science Facility—research facility. It's in Illinois, and when you go in—I'm not sure what kind of testing they're doing there—[Chuckles] but they ask you if you're an American citizen or not.Luisa: J___, who was a friend of mine, was undocumented and she said, "I am undocumented. I am a Mexican citizen. I am not an American." She was put into a little room and she was not allowed to go in. She was just caged in there and that was very … that marked me like, no, I can't tell anyone. I'm seeing what's happening to these people. I can't tell anyone, so nobody ever knew.

      Time in the US, Immigration status, Being secretive

    4. Anita: Let's talk about that in a second. I want to ask you one more question and then I want to ask you about being undocumented. You said that you didn't see your dad for a long time, and then all of a sudden…Luisa: Yes, my dad hired somebody to find us. My mom really did not leave any trace at all. She just pretty much left like a thief in the night, literally [Chuckles]. They eventually tracked us down and I got a phone call. We got a phone call. I think it was one of my grandparents who answered. Very reluctantly, they handed over the phone and it was my dad and I remember crying. I remember being hysterical. I remember being like, "Oh, my God. This is my dad. He's here. This is my dad. He's not gone.” It's weird, but I thought it was two different worlds and, in this world, I no longer can have my dad. That was the way I started to cope with it. The States were not my dad and this is where my dad was, so we were on different planets now. It was not something that was possible.Luisa: Then my dad came to visit and I remember begging him to take me with him, and my mom was not having it. She was not having it at all. By this point, I think he had already remarried, but she was not having it.Anita: Your dad came when you were how old?Luisa: My dad came when I was about nine. That was the first time I saw my dad after three, four years?Anita: You asked him to take you back?Luisa: I begged him. I begged him to take me with him. [Pause] That didn't happen, my mom was not having that shit [Chuckles]. She was like, "No, that's not happening with us."Anita: But she allowed him to see you?Luisa: She allowed him. Honestly, I respect my mom a lot for never speaking badly upon my dad. To this day, she will not say bad things about my father. Whatever may have happened with them, she knows that that's on them and she knows that our relationship with my father is completely separate from their relationship, and I admire that greatly because I don't think I'd be able to separate the two that easily. No, she never spoke badly upon him, but I think ... My dad said this in the entire life that I'm his favorite child, and I think that was also the way of my mother getting back at him for everything that he did to her, which is not right, but we're human beings.Luisa: When I would read, I would make certain facial expressions or gestures that reminded my mom so much of my dad that she would make me leave the room. She was like, "I can't see you right now. Leave the room. You're so much like your dad. Leave." It really affected her. I get it.

      Time in the US, Homelife, Parents

    5. Anita: Tell me about your mom's work.Luisa: [Sniffles] Because of my mom, I got to meet extremely interesting people that opened up my worldview more so than it already was, because reading transports you to different places and different languages and cultures and you learn so much, and you feel like you have actually been there, but you've never been. It's funny, but that's how it works. My mom, she started working for this store [unclear] and she was doing her design school, and they specialized in Muslim attire and my mom was like, "You know what? I'm going to be independent," so she moves aside. She starts her own thing, and she starts making a bunch of clothes.Luisa: I remember all of these black people coming to my home and they spoke Arabic with my mother and it was extremely [Chuckles] interesting to watch. We went to their homes, I think—[Pause] I don't remember his name, but my mom was extremely close to the main, main, main Muslim figure in the United States because there are not a lot of people who specialize in their attire. It's a very limited market. I think there's only about two or three stores that actually do it in the entire United States, and my mother was independent, so she was doing well for herself in that regard, and it was great. I got to meet a lot of people.Anita: Was that strange that a Mexican woman was designing Muslim attire, either for your mother or for the people for whom she was designing the attire?Luisa: It was strange at first, and I would see their faces when they would come like, “What…?” Then it just became normal. They became normal. It was completely normal. They were friends in the end. My mom was friends with some of these people in the very end. My mom's a beautiful human being. It was strange at first, but I think it was great. Ismael [Exclamation], that’s his name. His father died. He was the biggest figure and he took over.Luisa: His wife or his ex-wife was Mexican. He spoke perfect Spanish, so he and my mother were very—they would joke around. It was extremely funny to watch because when other people were around, this big, big figure would joke around with my mom and everyone would be like, "Oh, my God. What's happening?" But my mom was just that kind of person. His sons, I actually grew up with. I know his sons, extremely handsome, very educated people, very, very, very nice. I visited their home quite a few times in Hyde Park. They were great people.

      Time in the US, Homelife, Parents, Jobs, Diversity

    6. Anita: You told me last time about your—Luisa: Eighth grade teacher.Anita: Tell me about it.Luisa: Mr. R. is the best teacher I have had and he changed my life. Mr. R is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful human being. [Pause] I had a lot of teachers that would not … They would question me and they would ... All the stuff that I would write, they would question if I was okay mentally because of all this darkness [Chuckles] that I would write about, because a lot of my stories or a lot of my poetry was extremely dark. I don't think that's a bad thing you know. I think that's just trying to get rid of the … it's a catalyst. You're trying to get rid of everything that's inside of you, and that's how I did it.Luisa: Mr. R was the first one that recognized it as something good. We still keep in touch—beautiful human being. I knew this. He would speak to me like we were adults—like I was an adult. I was a thirteen-year-old girl and we had conversations like adults.

      Time in the US, School, Middle school, Teachers, Mentors

    7. Anita: Let's talk about that in one second. If you were lying face down on the magic carpet all day, how did you learn English?Luisa: I was there for half the day, and this is something that I'm going to tell you that my teachers had told me in kindergarten. I could be sitting down underneath the table and playing around, and they would be teaching math and I could learn it. I'm an extremely fast learner—an extremely fast learner. I think I picked it up by just listening to it, and the few classes that I had, I picked it up. It was not that hard and I think at that age it's easier to absorb information, but I think it was mostly that I'm a quick learner.

      Time in the US, School, Elementary, Learning English, Teachers

    8. Luisa: I told my mom about this and I remember vividly having a conversation with her and telling her, "Hey, you know what? This is happening at school," but I think my mom was going through so much stuff that she didn't know how to deal with it or she didn't … there wasn't enough of my mom to go around back then. I know now. I forgive her, but certain things … [Pause] I forgive her a lot for it now because I get it. It was extremely traumatizing. She had a lot of health issues and then this man who was her entire world just dumped her aside and she had to leave her whole life behind and everything she knew, all the comforts and work. She had never worked in her life [Chuckles]. I respect my mother a lot. She started going to design school for designing clothes and it’s pretty great.

      Time in the US, Homelife

    9. uisa: I had to go through hell in order to get my paperwork done for school—through hell, and then I still had to do two years. If that was somebody else with a little bit less drive or a little bit less enthusiasm, they would've given up and they wouldn't have continued with their studies. They would've said, "Fuck it. Why? They're putting me against the wall. How am I supposed to do anything?” Anyone else for sure would've, and I know a lot of cases where they're like, "Dude, it's just too hard. It's too hard to keep going. They're asking me to do everything that I've already done, and what they're asking me to do is subpar compared to the education that I've had." So it's extremely discouraging.

      Return to Mexico , Returning Hard

    10. Luisa: I had to go through hell in order to get my paperwork done for school—through hell, and then I still had to do two years. If that was somebody else with a little bit less drive or a little bit less enthusiasm, they would've given up and they wouldn't have continued with their studies. They would've said, "Fuck it. Why? They're putting me against the wall. How am I supposed to do anything?” Anyone else for sure would've, and I know a lot of cases where they're like, "Dude, it's just too hard. It's too hard to keep going. They're asking me to do everything that I've already done, and what they're asking me to do is subpar compared to the education that I've had." So it's extremely discouraging.

      Return to Mexico , Jobs

    11. Luisa: Yes, my dad hired somebody to find us. My mom really did not leave any trace at all. She just pretty much left like a thief in the night, literally [Chuckles]. They eventually tracked us down and I got a phone call. We got a phone call. I think it was one of my grandparents who answered. Very reluctantly, they handed over the phone and it was my dad and I remember crying. I remember being hysterical. I remember being like, "Oh, my God. This is my dad. He's here. This is my dad. He's not gone.” It's weird, but I thought it was two different worlds and, in this world, I no longer can have my dad. That was the way I started to cope with it. The States were not my dad and this is where my dad was, so we were on different planets now. It was not something that was possible.Luisa: Then my dad came to visit and I remember begging him to take me with him, and my mom was not having it. She was not having it at all. By this point, I think he had already remarried, but she was not having it.

      Time in the US , Parents

    12. It’s tattooed back here. Realism to me was … it's real. Human beings are selfish by nature, but the beauty of it is that we have our own free will and we can go above our nature and we can do great things, so this just reminds me that I'm not just an animal that's looking for my own benefit, if that makes sense.

      Time in the Us , Tattoo , Meaning

    13. Luisa: Mr. R. is the best teacher I have had and he changed my life. Mr. R is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful human being. [Pause] I had a lot of teachers that would not … They would question me and they would ... All the stuff that I would write, they would question if I was okay mentally because of all this darkness [Chuckles] that I would write about, because a lot of my stories or a lot of my poetry was extremely dark. I don't think that's a bad thing you know. I think that's just trying to get rid of the … it's a catalyst. You're trying to get rid of everything that's inside of you, and that's how I did it.Luisa: Mr. R was the first one that recognized it as something good. We still keep in touch—beautiful human being. I knew this. He would speak to me like we were adults—like I was an adult. I was a thirteen-year-old girl and we had conversations like adults. I don't know how appropriate it was or what he saw in me, but we had conversations like adults. I would stay after class for hours just discussing books that he would give me, and he would give me books out of his collection for me to read.

      Time in the US , Teachers

    14. Luisa: I was there for half the day, and this is something that I'm going to tell you that my teachers had told me in kindergarten. I could be sitting down underneath the table and playing around, and they would be teaching math and I could learn it. I'm an extremely fast learner—an extremely fast learner. I think I picked it up by just listening to it, and the few classes that I had, I picked it up. It was not that hard and I think at that age it's easier to absorb information, but I think it was mostly that I'm a quick learner.

      Time in US , Elementary School